Frustrated with adult dd

[Frustratedwithadultdd]

Tell me if I'm interfering too much here. My adult dd has one child who's 9, so not at a difficult stage of childhood. She's a single parent with lots of support from family, and works full time 9 to 5. She doesn't gave a lot of money, but gets by.
Went round to her house today and it was untidy, grubby and needs a good clean. I'm surprised they haven't caught a bug with the disgusting tea towels she's been using.
She's away next weekend and we're looking after our dgc. Aibu to just go in and give the place a good scrub. We haven't brought her up to be this grubby.
She's a good mother, loves her child very much and they are very close. She's very slow to buy him new clothes when he's grown out of them. He does grow fast, but you can pick up items cheaply from Vinted. I know she can afford new clothes as I've helped her budget. Yet again this weekend we're going to buy him some new underwear & a few bits of new clothes. We don't mind but why do I feel more like his mum than his grandmother?
Should I have a talk with her and ask what's going on? If she's depressed she's masking it as she's doing well at her job and seems happy enough. Just lazy? I think so. I've mentioned it before but she says it's lack of time as she has to do everything. Other single mothers cope with everything, keep their house clean, take care of their children when they have 2 or 3. She only has 1! There's no excuse in my opinion.
Am I over bearing & a control freak? I feel like just leaving her to it, not buy dgc new clothes as it's her job; but I'm not taking him out looking slovenly in clothes that do not fit, I feel sorry for him.

Agree with most others, we don't know how busy she is etc and all of us have different levels of cleanliness and higene etc. I would be slightly concerned if the DS was dirty and smelt and clothes didnt fit especially if she's always immaculate but for those of with boys you cannot FORCE them to change their pants and socks every day - so if he's happy and well fed then offer to help but don't make a big thing out of it - unless the towels would climb across the room on their own to the machine etc!

ETA - when she's not looking/or out then check the cupboards to make sure there's plenty of food - or in the bathroom for shower gel etc - if not then maybe a fortnightly Asda/Tesco/* - other shops are available - shop may help

She's a single mum working full time who has a close, loving relationship with her son and for that alone she should be praised.

You cannot possibly compare being a mum yourself and working part time hours with your daughter who's working full time. How long is her commute to work because working 9 to 5 where I live means nose to tail traffic going to work and the same coming home?

Yes, give her house a clean if you wish to but I wouldn't do more than wipe surfaces and a bit of hoovering because any deep cleaning will be almost certainly be perceived as a criticism of her.

I'm sorry but you sound controlling and imo your priorities are askew. What's most important is that your grandson is happy, healthy, balanced and doing well at school. I suspect your daughter is doing the best she can in difficult circumstances. Perhaps she's just extremely tired?

Your poor daughter. She could be really struggling and you don't have a clue. She's unlikely to confide in you when you are so judgemental. Comparing her to other mums is awful.

I’m a single parent working more or less full time hours. I have 2 children but it’s bloody hard work doing everything. I haven’t sat down at all today. You have no idea how hard it is having to be responsible for earning the majority of the income as well as the majority day to day care of kids. In most functional two parent households these responsibilities are split between two people. With two people one can be making dinner whilst the other helps the kids with homework, then after dinner one person can clear up and run the hoover round whilst the other does bath and bedtime. My house is a complete state at the moment because I’m trying to decorate the third bedroom so my children can have their own rooms, so a lot of other cleaning tasks are deprioritised. I hate the kitchen floor being mucky but I’ll get to it when I get to it. When a couple with kids splits up there isn’t some magic fairy who comes along and does what the other parent would be doing.

My mum helps me but does it in a non judgemental way. She asks how she can help and then does what I ask. What helps me is that she brings over a home made dinner once a week and on another night she takes my children to an extra curricular so I can work.

if your dd is working 9-5 assuming she isn’t wfh would mean being out of the house from 8-6 minimum. That doesn’t leave a lot of hours for spending quality time with children and doing housework, at least not during the week.

I'd offer to do it for her as a helping hand (without saying how awful it all is) and only do it if she agrees.

My mother came into my house when I was on honeymoon as she thought it would be nice to make sure it was all spic and span for our return. I get the thought was kind but I felt really uncomfortable that she had come in and got into stuff while I was away. I don't like my personal space invaded. I had no problems keeping my home immaculate anyway.

What makes you feel more like his mother than his grandmother? Did you birth him? Do you arrange his routine dental/GP appointments? Do you attend his parent’s evening? Do you plan and cook his meals, wash his clothes etc?

Honestly if your daughter was struggling she wouldn’t tell you would she? You’re incredibly judgemental and critical of her. We get it, you don’t think she’s a good enough mother/breadwinner/cleaner. She’s trying to do it all and not living up to your high standards in all areas.

Unfortunately for you both, I’m sure she knows exactly how you feel about her.

OP you seem completely legitimate in your concerns. Basic hygiene is exactly that, basic. If you see someone perfectly made etc but home is not then that's a worry especially if a child is involved. Stick to your instincts, good luck xx

This post is hideous and I'm so glad you're not my mum!
You say other single mothers manage to cope - how many single mothers homes do you go in? Stop being so judgemental it's gross.

Thank god I never had a judgy mum or MIL!

Just quietly help, don’t pass comment. That’s the best thing you can do.

This. My own mother was judgy like you - eventually I avoided seeing her except duty visits. Don’t do the same to your daughter.

Mumsnetters judge each other for far less on this forum. Other posters housekeeping or self care is regularly called 'rank' or worse, because they wear shoes in the house, or only shower every two days, or some other MN housekeeping sin.

But heaven forbid that a mother notices that her DD's house is dirty and unhygienic. Note that she hasn't said anything to her DD. But she wants to help, and worries that DD's not coping. But everyone closes ranks and apparently she's the mother from hell?

Lots of grandparents buy clothes for their grandchildren without that making them another parent

Yet again this weekend we're going to buy him some new underwear & a few bits of new clothes. We don't mind but why do I feel more like his mum than his grandmother? @Frustratedwithadultdd

Such a martyr, aren't you 😂
You think buying a few bits of clothes every now and then makes you his mum, that's hilarious.
And if you don't mind, why are you making such a big deal about it?

She's a good mother, loves her child very much and they are very close. @Frustratedwithadultdd
She seems to have her values the right way round despite having you as a mother. Good for her!

Who needs enemies when you could have a mum that slags you off on MN

Omg leave the poor woman alone.

Step down from your high horse!!
Judgemental and nasty.

OP you are welcome any time to clean my house .. it’s in New Zealand so it’s a bit distance though.. I am sure there are loads of people on mumsnet closer to you who could do with a bit help too…

Well, OP, I have one child and a husband.

My house is a shit hole. I'm lazy.

My mum makes disparaging remarks about it all the time. If she wants to come and clean it, great.

My son goes for too long between haircuts. So what?

His clothes fit, but they've probably got a fair few stains on them that won't come out in the wash.

But again, so what? He's happy. He's loved. His basic needs are met. A ton of his bloody wants are also met.

Who cares if our house is a bit grubby and he goes too long between haircuts?

Tbh, I think you sound awful. Much like my mother who believes we should all present a perfect image to the world and if we don't we've somehow failed. I really feel for your daughter and grandson.

Some of your comments are hideous.

You sound like my Aunt. Judgemental as hell and determined to find fault with your adult child and micromanaging things so she lives life in a way that is acceptable to you.
She is not you.

Ask her if she wants any help, but don’t point out the things you have decided are faults and don’t override her decisions.

Nothing op has mentioned sounds like neglect.

you are projecting.

Yeah not buying the feigned concern in this update. Your critical and judgemental just own it.

I moved in with my BF and his DM ( years ago), thier house was not very clean and the kitchen was filthy. She went away for a month and I cleaned the place, when she came back she was furious with me and our relationship was never good after that.
I can see this is coming from love for your GS but I would ask your DD first before interfering.

To answer your question, yes, you’re being interfering, overbearing and a control freak. I would be absolutely apoplectic if my mother let herself in and ‘cleaned up’. Likewise taking it upon yourself to clothe her child without asking. You’re judging her by your standards and she’s a grown woman who doesn’t have to be like you (and clearly doesn’t want to be either- ask yourself why…).

Not read the full thread, assumptions I've made about op, was always a shame, never had a job outside the home, has always been controlling and overbearing.

There we are, only worked part time and I bet not whole kids were small. How grubby is grubby? Our house can get out of control in a week with 2 parents and 2 kids, all it takes is 1 kid to be ill the other to have a run of nightmares the dryer to break or one of us have a lot of overtime, a birthday party to go to not quite locally both days at the weekend .. bam dishwasher gets loaded but that's it for the kitchen, miss a couple days laundry, skip doing the floors and bam, house is minging. Then you've got to all the usual everyday chores PLUS catch up while extra exhausted and it just takes a while to get back on it and that's with 2 of us.