Frustrated with adult dd

[Frustratedwithadultdd]

Tell me if I'm interfering too much here. My adult dd has one child who's 9, so not at a difficult stage of childhood. She's a single parent with lots of support from family, and works full time 9 to 5. She doesn't gave a lot of money, but gets by.
Went round to her house today and it was untidy, grubby and needs a good clean. I'm surprised they haven't caught a bug with the disgusting tea towels she's been using.
She's away next weekend and we're looking after our dgc. Aibu to just go in and give the place a good scrub. We haven't brought her up to be this grubby.
She's a good mother, loves her child very much and they are very close. She's very slow to buy him new clothes when he's grown out of them. He does grow fast, but you can pick up items cheaply from Vinted. I know she can afford new clothes as I've helped her budget. Yet again this weekend we're going to buy him some new underwear & a few bits of new clothes. We don't mind but why do I feel more like his mum than his grandmother?
Should I have a talk with her and ask what's going on? If she's depressed she's masking it as she's doing well at her job and seems happy enough. Just lazy? I think so. I've mentioned it before but she says it's lack of time as she has to do everything. Other single mothers cope with everything, keep their house clean, take care of their children when they have 2 or 3. She only has 1! There's no excuse in my opinion.
Am I over bearing & a control freak? I feel like just leaving her to it, not buy dgc new clothes as it's her job; but I'm not taking him out looking slovenly in clothes that do not fit, I feel sorry for him.

I imagine this is a sign she isn’t coping you sound critical. She may welcome your help but I think a conversation is needed first.

That's very harsh, without walking a mile in her shoes. Or being in her head. I only have one and only work 4 days a week. The only way our home is not grubby is because I am lucky enough to have someone come and clean the house for me once a week. And because I have just the one, I prioritise spending time with him, and being there for him...over a sink full of washing. I am on the verge of separation, and instead of judging me my mums offered to come and do a load of laundry for me during the week whilst I work, and cook a few meals. But she was a single parent too, and will understand more about what I will need in terms of support.

As a parent with 2 kids (but also 2 parents) both working full time we struggled to be able to keep on top of the meals, shopping, homework and other primary schooling demands (which are frequently very time consuming) life admin and to spend time with the children. As a result the house was often not very clean and replacing clothing sometimes got delayed especially during growth spurts. I took the view that children remember when you don’t have time for them and when they aren’t fed properly but won’t remember the t-towels being spotless. We had no family local to help, but what really would have helped us was an offer of regular help- like a 3 or 4 hour stint of a grandparent spending quality time with the kids fortnightly so we could have a good clean through the house and get on top of admin. Maybe offer something like that?

What a horrible way to speak about the people that you’re supposed to love the most. I’d love to hear your daughter’s side of this.

Going into someone's house and cleaning without their permission is invasive and rude, even with the best of intentions.

Did you work full time and raise a child all by yourself whilst also doing all of the housework and life admin OP?

You are being extremely unreasonable and your attitude is beyond belief - you are not your grandchild's mum, and buying him a couple of pairs of pants doesn't make you his mother. Buying their grandkids clothes/toys/treating them to days out is what grandparents do.

Yes, you would also be extremely unreasonable to just waltz in and clean your daughter's house because it's not at the standard you deem to be correct. You have and, from the sounds of it, have always had, more spare time on your hands than your daughter. She is a full time mother, works full time and "get's by" on a low salary. She's probably exhausted 100% of the time. Instead of judging and making a rude comment to her, why don't you offer to help kindly. Say something like, 'you're doing a great job, but I know it must be hard being a single mum and I'd like to help. I could come give the house a once over while you're away, or take grandchild shopping to give you a break. What would be most helpful?'

There is no such thing as a 'not difficult' age with a child nowadays. The only thing that changes is the challenges. So much more is expected from parents now than my mother's generation. We are expected to be significantly more demonstrably supportive, present and involved in our children's lives; all while working and maintaining a Stepford-wife home. We can't just leave them to get on with it, as was very common in the 70s and 80s. 9 is also a tricky age because although they're old enough to not need watching every second, like a toddler, they're not (in the UK at least) old enough to take themselves to/from school, stay at home and keep themselves amused and out of trouble.

If it comes from a place of support like offering help, asking if she wants you to help with your grandchild more so she has more time to herself then it’s very different to judging that her house is messy. I have a 2 year old and a very great husband and he does more than his fair share as well as working 6 days most weeks and I do 4 days. I constantly feel behind on housework and some days I think I’d be mortified if someone came to visit u expected to see the mess it can be. It’s not easy to do it all and must be harder as a single parent.

You would have had the door closed on your arse in my house!

She has lower standards because her priorities are her work and her child.

Kids grow - just ask if you can take him shopping - there nothing wrong with scruffy kids, they are usually the ones mucking in and having a great time. The pristine kids are always fearful of damaging their clothes.

child is loved and fed -

I know right!

Any difference is no longer respected as difference. There must be something wrong with you because you don’t conform to (very rigid) social expectations.

What used to be seen as countercultural, environmental and progressive (previously known as hippies) is now considered by some as an affliction.

No disrespect to those who struggle with ND and are helped by a diagnosis, treatment and specialist support.

When my children were smaller i don’t think i ever spent money on their clothes, their Grandmothers especially were always picking them up bits in the sales, or something they had seen and just couldn’t resist. They went too far really because I had loads of it, some of was never worn but I never complained just quietly passed it on to someone else so I don’t understand why you feel like his Mum by buying him things.
My own mother has quite a strong personality but does try and not overstep but if she saw one of them needed a haircut she would say it to me and ask if I wanted her to take them if I was short on time.
Now they are older their relatives don’t get to buy them stuff because they have very particular tastes and they don’t want to get it wrong and I know they miss it.
If my Mum thought my house needed a good scrub she would say so probably not that tactfully and I would feel bad.
My MIL would crack on and do little bits whilst she was here, snuggle in new tea clothes and just say that since retiring she feels bored and likes to help out.
Don’t give help if you’re going to begrudge doing it, I’m not a single parent but the daily grind does get you down and if I had a choice of doing something fun with my child or housework, I wouldn’t be doing the housework….
I think you need to count your blessings, that you obviously have a close relationship with your daughter and grandson, at his age you don’t have many years left of him wanting to hang out with you. As he gets a little older you could give him an allowance so he can get his own clothes, haircuts etc My oldest is now only a couple of years older and takes himself to the barbers when he wants his haircut and picks his own clothes.
My friends parents put £40 a month on her sons Go Henry Card, my friend is a single parent and works hard. She wouldn’t take money from her parents to help out so they have navigated it by giving it straight to him, which really helps with the things he wants to do but doesn’t step on any toes.

OP I'm a single parent working 4 days a week. Kids are a little bit older but have you considered your DD's schedule? She works 9-5. That means she needs to leave the house earlier to get your GS to school/breakfast club. When I finish work at 5 it takes me double the time to drive home than it would at, say, 12pm, because of the rush hour traffic.

Once she's home, I guess by 6, she has to feed your GS, maybe pop a wash on, run him a bath, make packed lunch, wash up from dinner, maybe get him to do some homework. These are all those basic daily things that she will have to do and that's not taken into consideration how she might want to sit down and relax for half an hour.

At weekends, maybe she gets up a little later, takes your GS to activities/parties/to see friends. Plus the dailies/basics like washing, cooking, food shop.

It's exhausting and it sounds like she's doing a great job. Approach this with compassion, not judgement.

Mind your own business, in my view.

When I worked full time and had a husband and child I had a cleaner and someone to do the ironing and my Mum was always coming round to help me with one thing or another, which I really appreciated.
Help her and stop criticising, she's a lot in her plate and it may be that her priorities just don't match yours.

Sounds like she's got her priorities right - a messy home and a happy child. My house is always messy, but on the plus side people often comment on our kids - they are happy and polite (normally!!)

It's not laziness - it's exhaustion and stress - just try to help her out where you can. My mum will often take some washing home with her, or run the hoover round if she is looking after the kids while we are ar work- just help her, she doesn't need the extra stress.

I think you are being completely unrealistic. I very much doubt she's lazy. She works full time and is a single parent!! Sounds like she's doing very well to me. Much better to spend time with her son, who by the sound of it, is well loved, than wasting a life constantly cleaning. Dusting and shoe shining just isn't really that important. I dust vv rarely and my house is not sparkling clean and if you mentioned it to me, honestly, I would not take it gladly. Why do people have such high expectations of women? I suspect if she was a single father you would not be so judgey.

So she works 9-5. Add 30-60 minutes each end to travel to work. Add another 30-60 in the morning to get ready to travel and get her 9 year old up, dressed, fed and out the door and to school. Add school/childminder pick up at the end as well.

So she's now 'working' from a 6:30/700am start until 6:00/630pm finish. And that's assuming he doesn't have a club of some sort (scouts, football training, etc) she needs to get him to in the evenings, pushing her evening into later.

Presumably she also has to sort dinner and spend some time with her young son in the evenings. He'll need mum time, homework support possibly, dinner, bedtime routine, etc. By the time that's all done, she'll be looking at the messy kitchen, rooms, laundry and having to prioritise on top of her exhaustion. And then looking to do it all over again the next morning. Because it's all on her. She doesn't have anyone to share the load with. Despite your proclaimed 'she has lots of help from family'.

So fuck off with your judgment.

@Frustratedwithadultdd

You’re being so hypocritical OP, you were not a single mother and you didn’t work full time so your experience of parenting was completely to hers with hers being much harder.

and what’s her hair and make up got to do with it?? 9 year olds don’t need their makeup or hair doing (beyond hair cuts)? Should she mopping the floors rather than putting on makeup in your view?

I would clean my daughter's kitchen while I looked after the children but have never been into her bedroom. She once asked me to sort out my GD's clothes. I looked in the drawers and they were a total mess so I tipped them all out into the middle of the room. My GD's face was a picture!
She helped me to sort everything out and we put the outgrown clothes to one side.
Another time I was asked to empty the kitchen cupboards and sort them out. I put all the out of date stuff to one side but didn't throw anything away.
My daughter and I are quite outspoken but considerate of each other.

if the house was actually filthy then you might have a point.

but given with judgy pants hoisted to simon cowell levels the worst you are describing it as is 'grubby' with some used tea towels, YABU.

You couldn't manage to work full time AND keep a clean house AND bring up your DC even with a partner but you're judging your daughter for not being able to do all those things without a partner?

By all means buy your grandchild some new clothes if you want, but do it because you love him not because of whose 'job' it is.

@user1488481370

i find your statement about adhd worrying actually. It’s basically saying that women must be like superhero’s, martyrs who can be a single parent and work full time and keep an immaculate home, and if they can’t do all this then there must be something ‘wrong’ with them, some kind of disorder or condition which needs to be diagnosed and treated so they can fit into the martyr mould better and give more and more of themselves to others.

I've been a single mum to two children.

I decided not to iron anything that didn't really need ironing - my mother ironed everything and I actually like the ironing - but I didn't have time if I wanted to spend time with my dc.

I liked travelling so I would by budget items in the supermarket shop and I would make every meal and save. This meant come the summer holiday I had a job where I could get 4 weeks off - so id go to Europe with the dc

These are choices I made and nobody quibbled about them.

yes I kept my house tidy and cleanish, but these were my choices - not friends or parent, one died so only had one parent.

In the kindest way you have to stand back and allow your dd to make her own life choices - is her sons hair a problem? is she making sure his clothes get every last bit out of them before buying new or second hand? Whatever the reason, they are her choices.

If her son is clothed, feed and warm at night with a loving mum - stop

think to yourself, is she harming her child? is she taking drugs? is she drink driving to school every day? if the answers are no - stop interfering.

If you want to clean her house - then ask before you do so - say would it be helpful if I gave your house a fairy clean for your arrival back on Sunday night? As I know you're busy and it might be a helpful gesture.

Get yourself a volunteering job or a hobby 🤗 and stop worrying about dirty tea towels, it will be fine

as an aside my adult dd has less than tidy house and I don't like it but I don't have to live like it - I do understand

Being a single parent and working full time is hard work. You have all the financial load, all the mental load and nobody to help you manage it all. My house isn’t as tidy as it should be as after a full week at work you need to do some restful things as well. Cleaning is just another part of the mental load.

I was always grateful for help from my mum but she’s passed away now so I literally am stuck doing it all with no support. Offer help, not criticism and be grateful you weren’t raising her all alone when she was little.

You’re comparing apples and oranges and expecting them to taste the same.

When your daughter was 9, I imagine that her father probably worked a full time job - she is doing the same.

Now think about how much her father did at home outside of that full time job. Imagine that she did as much parenting and housework as her father did at that stage. Would things be better or worse in her house than they are now?

That’s comparing apples and apples….