Frustrated with adult dd

[Frustratedwithadultdd]

Tell me if I'm interfering too much here. My adult dd has one child who's 9, so not at a difficult stage of childhood. She's a single parent with lots of support from family, and works full time 9 to 5. She doesn't gave a lot of money, but gets by.
Went round to her house today and it was untidy, grubby and needs a good clean. I'm surprised they haven't caught a bug with the disgusting tea towels she's been using.
She's away next weekend and we're looking after our dgc. Aibu to just go in and give the place a good scrub. We haven't brought her up to be this grubby.
She's a good mother, loves her child very much and they are very close. She's very slow to buy him new clothes when he's grown out of them. He does grow fast, but you can pick up items cheaply from Vinted. I know she can afford new clothes as I've helped her budget. Yet again this weekend we're going to buy him some new underwear & a few bits of new clothes. We don't mind but why do I feel more like his mum than his grandmother?
Should I have a talk with her and ask what's going on? If she's depressed she's masking it as she's doing well at her job and seems happy enough. Just lazy? I think so. I've mentioned it before but she says it's lack of time as she has to do everything. Other single mothers cope with everything, keep their house clean, take care of their children when they have 2 or 3. She only has 1! There's no excuse in my opinion.
Am I over bearing & a control freak? I feel like just leaving her to it, not buy dgc new clothes as it's her job; but I'm not taking him out looking slovenly in clothes that do not fit, I feel sorry for him.

To be honest, you sound awful! She’s a single mum working full time! Presumably, you had a husband/partner when your daughter was growing up and you worked part time!
Instead of moaning about her behind her back, why don’t you offer to help her more?!

you mean well and she’s lucky to have someone who cares around. Perhaps:

• take your grandson monthly on a barbershop and coffee date
• she may have just become accustomed to the home, like the idea of offering to do a deep clean as a one off for her, more as a treat
• Offer a clothing budget for your grandson if you can afford it, and perhaps take him out for those too every season
• see where she’d love support- maybe freezer meals or just company on a cleaning morning every 2 weeks.

my mum is so loving and as much overbearing but know it comes from love, so as long as you don’t sound judgy but just stress you see it as your role to support that’s great.

SIL visited yesterday and we were discussing our Mothers standards for a house. My Mothers were the highest possible.

She was the sort that ironed tea towels and knickers.

Was the tea towel visibly dirty or are you just a bit too fussy like my Mother was.?

Are your grandsons clothes too small for him and stained badly or is it just that he is getting messed up like my DS was at that age as he was at the park a lot playing football all the time.

The clothes bit is fine but I’d ask her before doing any housework or she might well feel judged and humiliated. Just say "I know you don’t have much spare time. I’d be very happy to do some housework for you while you’re away - is that OK with you?" And if she says no (as I think my daughters would), don’t do it.

God OP I was a single working mum but I also had a really amazing cleaner and a really good income. Life was so incredibly full on even with a lot of help. So you’d really prefer she spend the small amount of time she has with her DD after work cleaning?

You presumably know your DD well enough to know if you cleaning is going to go down well or badly. My sister would go insane if I did this. My best friend who has a disabled child is happy for us to clean up.

You’ve answered your own question there tbh - she’s a single parent who works full time. I’m guessing the weekdays are just a blur of work, school and homework. Then on the weekend she wants to actually enjoy some quality time with her son rather than ticking more things off the to do list. Life is a juggle and we all have to prioritise. The thing is if you prioritise cleaning the house and neglect quality time with your kids it still looks like you’ve got your shit together because the only person that notices is your kid because they’re not getting that time spent on them. If you do it the other way round, it looks like you’re struggling because your house is messy yet your kids could be as happy as Larry.

I’d be grateful that my grandchild was loved and had a good relationship with their Mum. I’ve know people with spotless houses and no time for the kids.
Did your DD manage the housework before she had a child?

You sound like my mother, I was depressed at complete breaking point and having intense suicidal ideations l. Her was of helping was to judge me, telling anyone who’d listen that I wasn’t brought up with a mess like mine. We’ve never been close and it has made it much worse even now I’ve dragged myself out the hole to the most part, she worked in a caring profession but show me no care only judgement.

maybe ask your daughter if she’d like a hand to tidy up? Ask her what you can do? My mums answer was always to take dc saying “this will give you a chance to get sorted” when all I did when alone was cry and the loneliness of my life was nearly killing me.

So long story short SHOW SOME COMPASSION!!

We both work full time with a lovely child and it's a struggle!
Don't come to our house and judge us please!

I'm a grandmother. I buy clothes for the grandkids because I enjoy it, so go enjoy a shopping trip. I wouldn't touch his hair mind. The other granny did that her daughter didn't speak to her for a month.

Then ask her how she is.

Other single parent homes are not necessarily immaculate! Your DD is probably exhausted. She’s working full time so credit to her. Is 9 really an easy age? I beg to differ. 9 was one of the most difficult ages I experienced with my DS. Whether she has or hasn’t got support, working full time and single parenting is mentally exhausting. I know, I do it! I get called out of work, have school runs to do every day, household maintainance, shopping, cooking, extra curricular activities - all the same as a nuclear family but with just one of me! I’d offer to clean yes, but please show a bit more empathy to her - she’s trying really hard. Maybe she has to make sure her hair and make up is perfect for work? Women in the workplace still face so much opposition and criticism in some sectors and when your workplace know you’re a single parent you have so much more to prove, the discrimination is still alive and real.

I think you’re being incredibly harsh. Have you ever experienced being a single parent with a full time job? Her mental load alone must be exhausting. Sometimes something has to give. I’m also confused as to why you feel like his mother because you pick up clothing items for him? I’m actually quite shocked by your post, you’re just openly judging her.

Only one horrible mum here and it ain't your daughter.

I don’t see anything wrong with buying new clothes for your grandchild, but as for the rest,
you need to ask, and ask very carefully. Others have posted good suggestions, ask if she minds if you do a little cleaning so you don’t get bored etc. Maybe offer to pay for a weekly cleaner and say you can see how busy she is and you’d like to pay for a cleaner to make her life a little easier.
I think the women of your generation found it a lot easier to keep the house clean because many of you either didn’t work outside of the home or worked part time. My mother and MIL look down their noses at me (not at my husband of course!) because our house isn’t showroom quality. But as others have chosen to do so, we choose to prioritise quality time with our child. We find it hard enough to carve out time to keep the house ship shape, and there are two adults in our household. I can’t even begin to imagine how hard it is for your daughter. IMO it sounds like she’s doing an amazing job.
Growing up in my parents’ house was horrible because all my mother did was scream at us about the house not being perfect. I don’t recall any quality time with my mother. She continues to criticise us for our homes not being up to her standards. As a result, neither I or my siblings spend much time with her now. Tread carefully here, OP!

I actually suspect undiagnosed ADHD from what you've described

Why?

I've heard it all now. Untidy house, must be ADHD…really?

I cant imagine how hard it is to work full time as a single mum to a 9 year old. Please offer help and not judgement.

I'm a single mum, and I would struggle in your daughters shoes keeping up with everything. I do struggle keeping up with everything.

But I would absolutely draw a line at someone invading my space and cleaning up.

I'd have no qualms if grandparents wanted to treat my son to a haircut if that's what he wanted or treating him to some nice new clothes or picking little bits and bobs up like new tea towels or an extra bottle of bleach or some surface wipes or kitchen rolls while they were out doing their own shop, as long as it wasn't handed to me with a "your house is so filthy so I got you these".

I also have family that don't realise when their child has grown out of clothes and wish they'd put their child in bigger clothes but I just treat the children when I see them. They're not neglected, it is just hard to live right now due to the cost of living.

I also think you're being really judge basing the fact she wears make up on not budgeting appropriately.

I don't wear makeup but I know that makeup can last a really long time and people wear it like it some sort of social armour when they're not feeling very secure in themselves.

I am fortunate that I do have people in my life who would buy my son clothes if I didn't have the immediate funds, and they'd buy him little treats purely because they love him and not because they assume I don't take pride in my child, but because they are proud of us both.

Maybe focus your love and energy into your grandchild and stop assuming that your daughter has it easy.

To be fair OP you haven't walked in your daughter's shoes.

Offer your help from a place of wanting to support her and if she says no then that's her perogative as an adult

She's a good mother, loves her child very much and they are very close.

Op there was a thread here recently from a grandmother who was complaining about her daughter neglecting her child by not spending any time with the child. The op was caring for the child all the time and the child was desperately missing their mum, I think that's someone who can say they are being more of a mum then a grandmother. Your quote above clearly says shes a good mum so what is your actual issue ? Is she a good mum or not because no one is perfect. If the house needs a clean just tell her... not sure what the big issue is to gather ideas on this and if the child needs more clothes maybe she can't afford it. You say she can get some from vinted but then you say she can afford new clothes but you also say she doesn't have alot of money. Seriously I don't think you even know what the situation is.

I have a DM like you, I’m no contact with her now. I feel terribly sorry for your DD.

When my kids were younger and I only worked part time my Mum used to chuck a wash on when she came round and do the ironing, there was no big deal, she liked to feel like she was helping. And I appreciated it. I didn't feel judged by her thank goodness.

Do you do anything to help whilst there?

Now we are all older than doesn't happen and actually when I go to hers I have a discreet clean of areas her older eyes don't see.

Aibu to just go in and give the place a good scrub.

Yes, you are, without asking her. We all have different standards and what’s ‘grubby’ for some people is completely normal for someone else. There’s nothing worse than someone coming in and cleaning and tidying your house without asking. It’s really disrespectful.

Working full time as a lone parent is very hard work. There’s never enough hours in the day and it’s important to prioritise time with your child over housework. There’s no one to get you a drink when you finally sit down when the kids are in bed. Or encourage you to keep going and get stuck into jobs together.

We all parent differently. My DSs had longish hair when they were young. As long as it’s not in his eyes and annoying him, and he’s happy with it, it doesn’t matter. Kids that age are forever growing out of clothes and getting holes in them etc.

As long as she’s a good mum to him, spends time with him, shows him lots of love, feeds him well and he gets enough sleep, appearances don’t matter unless it upsets him in some way, e.g. his shoes are too tight.

It’s not your job to buy his clothes. So, if you want to treat him to some new things, better to ask her if that’s OK and what she’d prefer. My mum used to buy my kids clothes that weren’t at all to my taste (or theirs) and I felt terrible as I never dressed them in them.

If you’re worried she has depression or is struggling to cope financially, then love and support rather than judgement is the right response. Ask if she’s OK or if there’s anything you can do to help. Say you’d like to support her as you love her and know what it’s like, as you’re a mum yourself. Offer to treat your GC to some new clothes, but via a shopping trip together or looking for things together online. So, she/he can choose and you pay.

Ask if she’d like you to do any cleaning or housework while she’s away. But if she says no, then respect that.

I think you underestimating how hard being a single parent and working full time is, she might be struggling and love some help and support.
You need to come at this from a supportive and loving place and not a judgemental angle.
Ask her if she would like you to take him for a haircut, then take him shopping for new essentials. Ask her if she woukd like anything doing while shes away? If you want to clean the house then do it, explain you wanted to help as spending her weekends cleaning is rubbish and you have more time.

My mother tended to be judgemental. She was very particular about how she kept her house - but she also always had a cleaner from when we were small (my dad prioritised it to keep her happy even when he didn't earn a huge amount - or as I see it now, prevent her from getting too stressed).

She also worked part time when she eventually went back to work - sessional work of a few hours at a time. She wasn't overbearing but she found it hard not to make judgemental statements about our homes / parenting.

OP you aren't wrong to want to help but you should be asking her how you can, rather than making the decisions yourself. I don't know if you live close by, but could you offer regular cleaning, or to take your gs for a haircut or out shopping? Practical help she gladly accepts, which supports rather than tries to manage everything you think is wrong. (Do you know if he likes having his hair cut, for example - maybe he battles her over it. Or maybe she feels that a 9 year old isn't bothered by his appearance and doesn't mind what his hair looks like, in the same way a grown woman does?)