Frustrated with adult dd

[Frustratedwithadultdd]

Tell me if I'm interfering too much here. My adult dd has one child who's 9, so not at a difficult stage of childhood. She's a single parent with lots of support from family, and works full time 9 to 5. She doesn't gave a lot of money, but gets by.
Went round to her house today and it was untidy, grubby and needs a good clean. I'm surprised they haven't caught a bug with the disgusting tea towels she's been using.
She's away next weekend and we're looking after our dgc. Aibu to just go in and give the place a good scrub. We haven't brought her up to be this grubby.
She's a good mother, loves her child very much and they are very close. She's very slow to buy him new clothes when he's grown out of them. He does grow fast, but you can pick up items cheaply from Vinted. I know she can afford new clothes as I've helped her budget. Yet again this weekend we're going to buy him some new underwear & a few bits of new clothes. We don't mind but why do I feel more like his mum than his grandmother?
Should I have a talk with her and ask what's going on? If she's depressed she's masking it as she's doing well at her job and seems happy enough. Just lazy? I think so. I've mentioned it before but she says it's lack of time as she has to do everything. Other single mothers cope with everything, keep their house clean, take care of their children when they have 2 or 3. She only has 1! There's no excuse in my opinion.
Am I over bearing & a control freak? I feel like just leaving her to it, not buy dgc new clothes as it's her job; but I'm not taking him out looking slovenly in clothes that do not fit, I feel sorry for him.

You haven't been in her shoes at all so I think you need to wind your neck in about her being lazy, she doesn't sound lazy to me at all.
If I knew my mother was talking about me in this tone I'd tell her to fuck off frankly.

Be careful how you approach this if you actually want to help your daughter.

I think she's just got very different priorities to you. You're ma6be a neat freak, she doesn’t care. Her son probably has a great immune system as a result.
You're fussy about kids looking just so - she's more relaxed.

Just step back. You're interfering.

I think you are being a little judgemental. However, if my mum thought I had a dirty house and wasn't looking after her DGC, she would say. Just talk to your daughter- without the judgement! Help if you want to, don't help if you don't want to!

So you worked part time. Probably had no money worries, plenty of time to keep your house clean. You are overbearing and judgmental, and you wonder why she if she isn’t coping very well that she wouldn’t tell you.

Sounds like my house and my kids. We love each other very much and are very close, and I have a husband and only work part time but my tea towels get grubby and I'm slow to replace clothes that are outgrown. Part of that is that I find it hard to admit they are growing up but part of it is that it just slips down the to do list and I will always choose to spend good time with them instead if it's needed (which it usually is).

You do you, and let her do her.

DO NOT clean her house unless she asks you. Don't even offer.

It is very undermining!!! So what if her tea towels are a bit grubby. How about you spoil her with a spa weekend or something. She'll ask for help in her own sheet time if she needs it.

I think giving the house a deep clean would be great, but some might be horrified. Can you ask DD before she goes if she'd mind if you do some deep cleaning on bits around the house just to help out instead of getting bored. Keeps it light and prevents awkwardness / upset when she gets back.

Totally depends on whether your “standards” are unrealistic/ unreasonable and you are being overly judgey. My MIL thinks I’m a bit grubby/ untidy and lazy, because I don’t dust, I don’t iron, and I don’t fold alot of the children's clothes in their drawers. I don’t polish their school shoes as often as I should. Their coats are often muddy. I just don’t fucking care about folding underwear or pyjamas. Life is too short, and I don’t apologise for that. I don’t weed my driveway or remove the crumbs from my toaster. So therefore I am a lazy sloven.

oh, by the way, I work long hours as a doctor and my husband doesn’t do any domestic chores. But it’s all down to my laziness.

I wouldn't say that 9 is a particularly 'easy' age. I think all seasons of parenthood have their challenges.

You sound like my mum and I can see a lot of myself in your daughter. She is probably well aware that she's struggling so don't make her feel worse.

I work FT and have 3 children, housework is a struggle as my home and work life often collide and I feel so overwhelmed sometimes that I don't even know where to start so I have to prioritise.
I really am doing my best though and that will look different for different people. I'd be absolutely devastated if my mother turned around and called me lazy. Especially as a single mother working FT and thriving at work.

I actually suspect undiagnosed ADHD from what you've described. Please be kind to her OP. I say this as a child who was/is very heavily criticised/judged by her mother and has incredibly low self esteem as a result.

How well do you know your daughter, OP? She’s probably well aware how far below your standards she’s fallen but knows she has to suck it up because she badly needs your help. Is that the relationship you want?

My mum thinks my standards are too low. I disagree and can’t stand the judgment (I’ve had 40 years of it now) because it makes me
feel so terrible, so I only see her infrequently so I can be sure to do a proper deep clean before she arrives, and I never leave her alone in my house because she’ll reorganise all my drawers into a “better” system, or “pop a wash on” without checking labels or working out what wash cycle she’s put it on.

Maybe you are a lovely mum who just wants to help out. If so, make sure you’re actually trying to help her reach her standards, not impose yours. Would it help if she could afford a cleaner? Can you say you’d like to pay for a cleaner as you can see she just doesn’t have time?

I know my mom sometimes has these judgements on me.
she’ll say my son needs and haircut then just takes him.
clothes, i’ll say i’m going after pay day ( because i’m at work during the week and can’t afford to get clothes straight away) and she’ll just go ahead and get him some.
I’m grateful for the help but because my timeline isn’t immediately because of work I worry she judges me.

I’m doing my best- I clean at weekends but single parenting and working full time is hard! Sometimes all i can do is crash out on the sofa because I’m so tired. It’s hard to ask for help because I should be able to do it all.

Do you project this onto your daughter?

You can come and clean my place if you’d like OP.

I dont think you’re being harsh, my DB and DSIL are like this, think they’re amazing parents but the house is bogging, the kids smell of a mixture of smoke, dog and if I’m honest poverty. DSIL never looks like a mess but DNs are often in school shoes with holes, and washed out clothes that are too small for them that have been handed down about 5 kids in the family before DB and DSIL take them.

its a low level of neglect. But fair warning, my mum will clean, remind them to make sure kids hair is washed and nails are clean, and is honest. They hate her for it. Even though she buys them clothes, brings them booked meals, has DNs overnight, they think her criticism makes them the victim and that she’s mean. They have never changed in 13 years. No one else says it to their face, but deffo says it behind their back. So be careful how you approach it, she won’t thank you for it

I work full time with kids and a husband and honestly its so hard finding time to do things. Basically have zero time from monday 7am to 8pm friday - its just an unending run of getting DC up and out to school, work, collecting kids, cooking dinner, desperately trying to cram in spellings/tables/homework/music practice, getting DC to bed, maybe a bit more work in the evening. Rinse & repeat.

It’s hard to judge if you’re being overly judgmental or if she is being neglectful without knowing the details. You might have really high standards and she is more relaxed.

Op - instead of picking out things you judge as so bad you must address them, say to your DD:

"Now you're so busy, i know you are short on time, please can I help you round the house when i come this weekend? There must some bits and bobs I can do around the house to save you a job. You deserve break. I'm happy to run errands too. Leave me a list."

She'll probably say "oh mum if you could run these loads of washing that would be AMAZING".

That way you aren't saying "Well i'll have to clean this place is a tip" and making her feel bad. Instead, you are just acknowledging how busy/stretched she is, and offering judgement free help, and leaving her control over what she most needs help with.

I'd also say leave her DSs hair alone. Its trendy for boys to have longer, slightly messy hair now, its probably his choice that its like that. My son is same age and he'd go batshit if i cut it short.

How dirty are we talking? Health hazard, hoarder type grubby, or just a bit overdue for a hoover, limescale in the shower type grubby. You can offer some cleaning, but I don't ever think you should do it without asking. If it's so bad you think it must be cleaned urgently, then a conversation is essential. Has her house always been like this, or it's a recent change?
As for the 9yo, they grow like weeds and have their own opinions on hair and clothes. I wouldn't assume she's neglecting him. Mine would gladly look homeless if I let him. We compromise with an occasional haircut and hoodies only 3 sizes too big.

you’re being awful, she can’t do everything! Offer her some help?

My mum doesn't get invited to my house anymore because every time she does, I feel judged. I'll go to hers but I don't want her in mine. love my mum but it leaves me feeling really low. My kids are well-mannered, bright, loved and have everything they need. But sometimes my son's trousers are too short because he's grown, and my kitchen floor needs a sweep. I'm doing my best. I have a lot to think about. You sound just like her. Think about that before you push her away.

Op i was a single mum of four who worked full time! My dm looked after my dc and she would often thoroughly clean my house or take the dc for hair cuts etc! I was absolutely grateful she helped me in these ways! My standards were not great because i was exhausted and stressed constantly! Just help your dd out but do it without criticising her home or parenting skills.

I'd properly hate my mum if she judged my parenting. So what if his hair needs a cut. You've had your children - this is her child!

The best way to improve people is to compliment them not criticise. Tell your daughter all the ways you think she's fab. She might have more energy to do more.

With respect @Frustratedwithadultdd , until you have walked a mile in your daughter’s shoes you have no idea of the struggles she is coping with as a lone parent working full time.
You have no right to just go into your daughter’s house and clean without her consent. Maybe ask her if she would like you to give her home a deep clean whilst she is away. If she agrees, do it with love and not use it as a stick to beat her with if she is unable to maintain it to your standard. You do not get to decide how clean her house should be. As long as she is doing her best, that is all you can ask. Being harsh and judgmental will only drive her away.

Why not contact her child's father and tell him to get his arse in gear and clean the house and care for his child?

I'm not really suggesting you do this, but remember that your DD is doing his job as well as her own before you criticise her. Most of us would let our standards drop if we were doing the work, and carrying the responsibilities of, two people.

Focus on your grandson and making sure he's happy and healthy. I'd raise anything that gives you welfare concerns but otherwise ignore.

This is the way, OP. Ask before you clean and ask in a non-judgemental way.