Frustrated with adult dd

[Frustratedwithadultdd]

Tell me if I'm interfering too much here. My adult dd has one child who's 9, so not at a difficult stage of childhood. She's a single parent with lots of support from family, and works full time 9 to 5. She doesn't gave a lot of money, but gets by.
Went round to her house today and it was untidy, grubby and needs a good clean. I'm surprised they haven't caught a bug with the disgusting tea towels she's been using.
She's away next weekend and we're looking after our dgc. Aibu to just go in and give the place a good scrub. We haven't brought her up to be this grubby.
She's a good mother, loves her child very much and they are very close. She's very slow to buy him new clothes when he's grown out of them. He does grow fast, but you can pick up items cheaply from Vinted. I know she can afford new clothes as I've helped her budget. Yet again this weekend we're going to buy him some new underwear & a few bits of new clothes. We don't mind but why do I feel more like his mum than his grandmother?
Should I have a talk with her and ask what's going on? If she's depressed she's masking it as she's doing well at her job and seems happy enough. Just lazy? I think so. I've mentioned it before but she says it's lack of time as she has to do everything. Other single mothers cope with everything, keep their house clean, take care of their children when they have 2 or 3. She only has 1! There's no excuse in my opinion.
Am I over bearing & a control freak? I feel like just leaving her to it, not buy dgc new clothes as it's her job; but I'm not taking him out looking slovenly in clothes that do not fit, I feel sorry for him.

Are you a single Mum that works part time, with a mother that insults you. This doesn't come from no where, and there's usually a pattern of not living up to expectations.

It doesn't sound like the son isn't, it is just that he wears clothes until he fully grows out of them, and she isn't deep cleaning, rather than spending quality time with him. New clothes, a clean immaculate house, working full time and ignoring a child does not make you a good mother.

Can you offer to pay for her to have a cleaner for a couple of hours a week op?
that would be supportive and kind and probably help lift her.
it’s hard working full time & being a single parent. If you love her then help her. Don’t judge her.

@Macklemup

exactly. It’s not neglectful

I agree with this.
One of my parents did this to me when I was recovering from an operation.

I had had a bit of a bad year with my mental health and my house had become cluttered and untidy. I’d started hoarding things a bit and was finding it difficult to let go of things.

They used the time when I was at my most vulnerable to sneak in to my house and start bagging things up, throwing things away, putting things where I didn’t want them to go, etc..
There was no conversation about it beforehand. They didn’t ask my permission. And to make matters worse, the attitude that came with their “help” made the help completely pointless. All it did was stress me out when I really didn’t need it. I was told immediately after coming home that I need to get sorting through all the bags they had put together for me. Not only did I not have the headspace to go through them, I was in horrific pain! My parent said it would be unforgivable if I don’t do anything about it after all the work they had done (that I didn’t ask them to do).

I was resentful of their impatience and frustration towards me. My parent is not living my life as a single mum of 4 and had not just had a painful operation to have an aggressive tumour removed.

I remember while I was still recovering, my parent came to see me and snapped at me because my son had forgot to make his bed before going to school. It was such a batshit overreaction! My parent went up and did it very aggressively and angrily. I couldn’t deal with this level of control they were having over me. It was like a visit from the angry house inspector every time they came round and I couldn’t stand it. I really began to keep them arms length for quite a while. My other parent gave me the love and help I needed and I’m doing really well now.

Someone else on this thread described the situation very well. OP, you didn’t work full
time but your husband did. I bet that is all he did, I doubt he did anything around the house. Imagine he had to get up early to get a child ready, get himself ready, drop the child off before he went to work, and did the reverse at the end of the day. Imagine he then had to do shopping, cooking, cleaning, spending time with his child etc. Do you imagine he’d have been able to do all of that? I doubt it.

Absolutely no need for a filthy house if she has as much support as you say she does. Untidy is fine. Dirty and filth isn't. It's dangerous, can give off germs and attract vermin. Rather than you go in and do it, I would offer to take your dgc somewhere for the afternoon whilst she gives the house a clean.

To be fair, the OP only described it as grubby which doesn’t tell us if it was particularly filthy or not.

Do not clean someone else's house without their permission! It's interfering and a very good reason for her to never speak to you again. It's her house - she can have it however she likes, OP, and you need to take a massive step back.

Exactly! nowhere does she say it’s filthy and that she is a neglectful parent. She describes her as a good mother so people comparing her to those whose children are being neglected by smelling filthy etc probably are wide of the mark because if the child was being neglected she would hardly describe her daughter as a good mother.
My house is a little grubby and tired around the edges, but not enough to attract vermin and my children don’t smell of anything except laundry powder.
Having slightly grotty tea towels and someone’s version of grubby does not make a filthy house, when people’s opinion of grubby would differ widely

Absolutely do not do this unless you ok it with DD first. It could well come across as overbearing and interfering. Please don't . No one likes to be judged.

Maybe your daughter prefers to spend quality time with her child when she finishes work instead of worrying about what other people think of her messy house.As long as her dc is loved,happy and cared for who are you to judge her standards .

I'm a single parent with 1 DC age 8. I also work full time, and I think you sound pretty harsh tbh. It is tough doing it all on your own, and even if family 'help out' it's not the same as having all the responsibility on your shoulders all the time (im assuming her job is also exhausting/pressured). I think in that situation I would appreciate my parents asking if there is anything they could do to support, as oppose to just taking it upon themselves to come in and clean. Or you could offer to pay for a cleaner- this would be a lovely gift

My mother bought clothes for my DS all the time, she sent him an outfit when he was at uni. Grandmothers do this, it's normal.
It's normal to lend a hand not to be judgemental and denigrate you daughter as a single mum.