Frustrated with adult dd

[Frustratedwithadultdd]

Tell me if I'm interfering too much here. My adult dd has one child who's 9, so not at a difficult stage of childhood. She's a single parent with lots of support from family, and works full time 9 to 5. She doesn't gave a lot of money, but gets by.
Went round to her house today and it was untidy, grubby and needs a good clean. I'm surprised they haven't caught a bug with the disgusting tea towels she's been using.
She's away next weekend and we're looking after our dgc. Aibu to just go in and give the place a good scrub. We haven't brought her up to be this grubby.
She's a good mother, loves her child very much and they are very close. She's very slow to buy him new clothes when he's grown out of them. He does grow fast, but you can pick up items cheaply from Vinted. I know she can afford new clothes as I've helped her budget. Yet again this weekend we're going to buy him some new underwear & a few bits of new clothes. We don't mind but why do I feel more like his mum than his grandmother?
Should I have a talk with her and ask what's going on? If she's depressed she's masking it as she's doing well at her job and seems happy enough. Just lazy? I think so. I've mentioned it before but she says it's lack of time as she has to do everything. Other single mothers cope with everything, keep their house clean, take care of their children when they have 2 or 3. She only has 1! There's no excuse in my opinion.
Am I over bearing & a control freak? I feel like just leaving her to it, not buy dgc new clothes as it's her job; but I'm not taking him out looking slovenly in clothes that do not fit, I feel sorry for him.

Depends how bad it is really. Also if it’s a new thing or is it getting worse. I would absolutely something to my dd. But only because it would be unlike her.

Maybe instead of judging and findng fault. Try and be nice and supportive.

Your standards maybe not be her standards.

Your post does not include any positive or kind words about your daugther.

If your grandchild wants to it would be acceptable to take them out and buy them new clothes. However anything else is overstepping.

I used to buy clothes for my DCousin’s youngest. She was really struggling, he was the youngest boy following a couple of girls so didn’t really have any handmedowns. I knew money was tight and I was close to her DC so it was nice to buy him an outfit and see him wearing it. I also used to babysit and help with tidying up. Never once thought that my DCousin should be coping better or blamed her for not.

By all means wash up for her, wash the tea towel and buy him some new clothes. You could even do his laundry but cut out the judgemental crap. That isn’t helping anyone.

bring clean teatowels when you go round

"My house is a shit hole" said with no level of shame whatsoever is hideous too though, to be fair.

@Frustratedwithadultdd

Wow, so judgey

Our daughter keeps a spotless house, has three kids and works 3 nights a week - she is married now

She has OCD and is clinically depressed . The OCD means she cant rest if things are out of place, she's medicated to the eyeballs for the depression

Id rather the house be a bit grubby then have her be like that

As for clothes, every time the grandkids come to stay they get new shoes or coats or an outfit or something they need/want - its called treating the kids , its what grandparents do.

YABU - unless you were a single parent that worked full time. I am a single parent to a 9 year old and I don't stop between making sure homework gets done, running to clubs, cooking meals and hes not got siblings so asks me to do stuff like play board games or read to him etc. By time it gets to bed time I'm exhausted not thinking what area of the house should I start tackling.

I don't feel any love here OP, just judgment. Or you would just ask your DD if you're allowed to clean a bit while at hers. Also buying gc clothes is standard, that's what nice gp do, nothing that makes you a parent.

I think you're being very harsh towards your daughter, maybe she is feeling a bit overwhelmed with keeping the house clean as well as full time job and sole responsibility for a child.

I think you should have offered to give the house a clean while she is away but done in a nice way not a judgemental way.

I think you need to take a long hard look at yourself in the mirror.

its clear you love your daughter very much but you are also very judgey.

your daughter likely really appreciates your support with childcare.

but if she is not coping she would not tell you for fear of your reaction as you are clearly a judgy person.

being negative and judgey towards someone makes them feel bad about themselves - it contributes to low mood and poor self-confidence. did your daughter have any mental health or an eating disorder problem as a teen?

if you really move her - find it within yourself to lift her up emotionally - praise her for how well she is raising her son and ask how you can help more.

Hi @Frustratedwithadultdd

When you are a loan parent @Frustratedwithadultdd you do everything.
This means in those moments when a DP may take the bin out, or do the car MOT or pay some bills whilst the other is cooking a meal … you have to cook, clear up, help with homework and then when the DC are in bed you have to do the bills, admin, clean around AND then be ok for your job the next day. It’s EXHAUSTING. There is no easy way to save time - other than not to do certain things.
It sounds to me like your DD is working therefore she’s not relying on you for income and then she’s present with her child in the evenings because she’s working all day.

I am sure she could do with some cleaning help as this is the least important area of her priorities - quite rightly! Money to live and her son are first.

Please don’t judge her - look to see if there’s a way you can help her. Try standing in her shoes and imagine what’s she’s juggling and try and feel proud of her.

I can see why people think you are unreasonable.

Yanbu in that he doesnt have clothes that fit and the place is dirty!
But your attitude / judgment is the unreasonable bit.
If you do need to have the conversation in a very different way if you want any positive results from it

What you're saying about your concerns is fair.
The judgement is awful and not helpful.
There are so many reasons why the house could have got to this state. Time, overwhelmed, low mood, in my case adhd only now being diagnosed at 40.
Support, but stop the judgement.

I would be ecstatic if someone cleaned my house for me but when my children were young and I was working ft I would have been mortified. I would have seem it as judgemental and felt embarrassed. Ask first. Someone's said it already "is there anything you would like me to do whilst you're away"

And what if ss gets involved? What would they say, being a single mother is no excuse of you can't parent effectively then you have problems

And no good mother let's theit child live like this

Wow you sound unpleasant. Do you have any idea what it’s like to work full time and be a single parent? In fact, have you ever even worked full time? If not, you have no right to comment.

Im a single mum and work full time. I’m definitely not lazy. I’m always shattered, stressed and constantly worried about money.

You’ve said yourself she doesn’t have much money! You need to step up here. Buy your grandchild new clothes even if they’re off Vinted. Take him for a hair cut with DD’s permission. Ask her if she’d be ok with you doing a deep clean of her house.

I always think your generation are out of touch with how much things cost these days!

Less judgement, more practical support!

It does sound a little bit neglectful OP, especially the clothes/hair thing...How much support does she honestly get? Is she struggling with her DC Does he have any additional needs?

For context, I am in a not dissimilar situation. My house is very very messy however reasonably clean underneath. Tea towels etc are always clean and fresh.

Does it matter if she’s lazy or depressed- either way she needs a helping hand because there’s a dc in the home.

Instead of shaming her for not buying new clothes, see it as a gift that you get to buy dgc a few bits a pieces. We’re talking pants, not a winter coat, so it’s not expensive for you.

With the house, please ask if she needs any help. Can you take in washing/ironing etc on a regular basis basis?. You could tie this in with checking if DGC has all the clothing items/sizing the need and can help fill in the gaps.

Do these things with kindness, not judgement and you might be better placed to find out why everything has been getting on top of her and help her get out of it.

Omg you sound horrible.

I think you're being very judgemental and are in no place to do so since you have had a partner and only worked part time. When I was a single parent and very depressed, my house got into a bit of a mess.

Luckily my mum and dad (divorced) both helped me from a non judgemental place. Yes some tough love was needed but i never felt judged. They recognised how difficult things were for me. They helped me get on top of the house and spoke to me about the fact I was very depressed. I was. I still went to work and did well and my kids were always well cared for. But I didn't have the energy to do everything alone.

Thank God I have supportive parents and not ones who will judge me. I dread to think where I would be now if I didn't have them to love, support and help me.

@Frustratedwithadultdd as a grandmother myself I can say that you and I have VERY different ideas on what supporting your adult child means. You buy your GC clothes ? Yup, me too.
You expect her house to be spotless ? Then offer to help. A genuine, no strings offer with no shaming involved.
As grandparents DH see ourselves as a backup team to make life easier. Not to criticise .

Tbh, I’d just go in and clean and tidy her house as a surprise, leave her a hamper of beauty/self care products as a welcome home gift and a message to say how proud you are of her for raising your perfect GC as a single, working parent. I.e. A gift without agenda or judgement.

And park everything else. Am sure she judges herself every day and doesn’t need it from any other sources. If she is depressed she is more likely to come to you and talk about it if she feels unconditionally accepted.

And, just to say, any age can be a difficult stage of childhood. Yes, even 9yo can be a/have challenges.

Your first mistake is assuming a 9 year old isn't messy or require any looking after.

There's an art to shopping on Vinted to actually make it cost effective, and kids that age have more say and wants than a 2/3 year old. Vinted takes me hours to get decent bundles together or good bargains. Otherwise I may as well wait and go to Primark.

By all means help because you want to, are able to etc. but not if your going to use it against her or to resent her.

Seriously? I think SS don’t care about tea towels and haircuts. This is an enormous leap….