To think this is immature ?

[HockeyMum1996]

My sister’s 17 year son has just dropped out of an A Level course and he has a full time job atm.

Both my sis and my BIL are very well educated, upper middle class professionals- both did A levels, went to uni, worked hard and have now both got senior roles.

My sister clearly isn’t happy that her son left school, and when I went round her house for Sunday Lunch she’d had a few drinks and said in an angry, drunken voice that one of the ladies at church who has a son in the same school year as my nephew, said “I’m sorry for what’s happened” - ie my nephew leaving school. She went on to criticise nephew’s character saying he “couldn’t stick at anything and is hopeless”

my nephew could hear all this and was in the next room.

truth is, my nephew hated school and is much happier in work

AIBU to that sister’s being unreasonable?

my nephew dropped out of A levels - but I feel my sister can’t just scold him because of what another woman said in church ?

my sister has form for being immature abd a bit intolerant of differences

I’d be deeply unimpressed if my child dropped out of school. Not because of what ‘some woman at church’ said, but because they would be cutting off so many career possibilities unless they returned to education later.

How is it immature to be upset that your child has dropped out of school?

Butt out

she had had a drink and was pissed off and probably very worried and anxious about her son dropping out at the very last hurdle

I’ll take a punt… you do not have children?

This full time job…. Unskilled and NMW… correct?

Some children aren't very academic. He might be better off with an apprenticeship or a trade. At least he's got a job.

Sorry, it’s unclear, did the woman at your sister’s church go on to criticise your nephew’s character or was that your sister?

Either way, you are clearly feeling protective of your nephew. That’s very reasonable and it’s lovely for him that you are supportive. But that doesn’t mean that what he’s done is right or well thought out and hasn’t hurt your sister massively and filled her with worry for his (and her) future and that she’s also going to be in mourning for a future she think her son is going to lose out on. It’s going to be an incredibly tough time for all of them and your sister will need to rant. It’s unfortunate her son was in hearing distance, but maybe too he needs to hear what affect his actions are having on others.

You are absolutely right that an academic route is not the right route for everyone and that there are alternatives out there. There’s also the possibility that he may change his mind after some time out in the wider world. But now is just about support for both him and your sister, and some of that will be understanding that this is going to be a dreadfully hard time for her and that she may want to rant. The thing to do is let her, sympathise and then remind her that this is not the end of the world and that there are a myriad of possibilities beyond the academic.

She's not being unreasonable to be upset by his choices.

She is being unreasonable to talk about her child in such a demeaning way, when he can hear every word she's saying.

Your sister is allowed to feel hurt that her son hasn't completed even a 6th Form level of education. With herself and her husband being university educated and in professions she is probably worried as to where this will leave him in life having imagined a different route for him.

By expressing the other woman's comment she is actually voicing her own concern but trying not to attribute the concern to her. I suspect that has already been said in private! I am sure nephew has heard it all and was maybe even eye rolling in the other room.

Let her have some time to get used to it. Indeed nephew may decide for himself at some stage that this may not be the right decision for him or indeed he may fly within a work situation.

Personally I would not express any personal view at this stage and see how it plays out.

I'm not sure I'd describe it as immature but slagging your kids off when they're in earshot is paving the way for problems.

Yanbu. Your sister was out of line speaking about her son like that especially when he is able to hear that and also not telling the woman at chuch to chuff off. Very much doubt he'll want a very good relationship with her in the upcoming years. If it isn't what your nephew wants to do with his life his parents are just going to have to accept that, tell him he needs to get a job if he isn't staying in education and move on.

Its mean and immature. If school wasn’t for him, it wasn’t for him. At least he got a full time job. I would give him space and hope he would return to education. I would not be drunk criticising him. I hope this boy finds his path to be amazing at something.

Yanbu

She's acting like a shite mum, sorry. Yes, be upset that your son is dropping out of school, but you dont allow anyone to speak about your son like that! Let alone be repeating it!

Poor kid. Some kids take different paths in life! What you do is support them and help them figure it out. He could go back into education at any time, especially if they have money.

The damage that her drunken rant has had on her son will last for years. Now he knows that, even when potentially lost and confused, he can't trust her.

Yes I agree it’s cutting off his career possibilities but if she continues criticising him drunkenly like this he’s less likely to go back to education I think - he’ll have low self esteem

Ah no just clarity it’s my sister who criticised my nephew’s character not the woman in church. All the woman in church allegedly said was

“I’m sorry for what happened”

I agree with all that you’re saying especially your last paragraph, but just to clarify it’s my sister alone that condemned my nephew’s character - not the woman in church who only allegedly said

“I’m sorry for what happened”

So she’s upset her ds dropped out and lent on you as a shoulder to cry on and you’ve taken to mn to bitch about her? I don’t know any parent who wouldn’t be concerned in these circumstances. Speaking where he could hear isn’t ideal but few parents are perfect. Maybe support her to help her see there’s other ways to progress for her ds.

I imagine the back story between you and your sister is pretty… tumultuous

i feel for her. It will be worrying for her

Education isn't for everyone the fact he has a full time job is great its not like he dropped out and has nothing. If this is the worse thing her 17 year old does then she is blessed. I'd give anything for that for my 17 year old dd. Instead she's living in a flat with a man who kicks the shit out of her neither of them work unless you call selling drugs work and the police are at their door everyother day. And iv lost count of how many nights have been spent in a&e after overdoses and assaults. All you should ever want for your kids is for them to be safe, healthy and happy.

As he has a full time job this wouldn't bother me at all. It doesn't matter if he doesn't want to go to university.

Blimey sorry to hear this ❤️

Yes but let’s say your 17 year was close to doing his a levels, was doing well, had a bright future ahead of him…. And then jacked it all in for an unskilled NMW job… then how would you feel? Rather than from the perspective of a parent with what sounds like a very disturbing scenario.

i suspect partly what led to my nephew dropping out is my mum’s escalating drink problem. He wanted the security of his own income because when in school he was having to deal with the rants of his drunken mother.

When my sister said this my BIL, to be fair, was defending my nephew who said he’s making the best of the opportunities he’s got now. My sis was having none of it tho

Ah that’s the thing my nephew actually wasn’t doing well in school

You really do not like your sister do you?

go on Op… what’s the backstory?!

Do you have children op?