To think this is immature ?

[HockeyMum1996]

My sister’s 17 year son has just dropped out of an A Level course and he has a full time job atm.

Both my sis and my BIL are very well educated, upper middle class professionals- both did A levels, went to uni, worked hard and have now both got senior roles.

My sister clearly isn’t happy that her son left school, and when I went round her house for Sunday Lunch she’d had a few drinks and said in an angry, drunken voice that one of the ladies at church who has a son in the same school year as my nephew, said “I’m sorry for what’s happened” - ie my nephew leaving school. She went on to criticise nephew’s character saying he “couldn’t stick at anything and is hopeless”

my nephew could hear all this and was in the next room.

truth is, my nephew hated school and is much happier in work

AIBU to that sister’s being unreasonable?

my nephew dropped out of A levels - but I feel my sister can’t just scold him because of what another woman said in church ?

my sister has form for being immature abd a bit intolerant of differences

But she didn't say anything of the sort?

Possibly.

But OP hasn't said.

He might be working in Sainsbury's.

It's not uncommon that 17 year olds want to leave school because they hate it and prefer a bit of minimum wage in their pocket.

It doesn't mean it's a great long-term plan.

Some kids just don’t like school. If they don’t like school and don’t perform well, it’s your job as a parent to equip them with another set of marketable skills. I worked for Wetherspoons while at uni and became a manager, hourly pay wasn’t amazing but we crushed it with our bonuses. A lot of the higher ups and other managers didn’t even have GCSEs. Area manager left school at 16 and was very well paid. At the end of the day there’s options and routes for people who didn’t take the traditional education route, and if your child doesn’t like/ isn’t capable of taking that route it’s pointless to scold them. I get being disappointed your child isn’t doing life the way you did, but at 17 he’s almost an adult and it’s his life. I feel bad for him, you should make an effort to show him some kindness and take an interest in his job.

But your child stayed in education working towards a qualification. The OP’s nephew has dropped out without a plan. They’re completely different situations.

Stop with your goady nonsense. I see you, and so does everyone else. Just stop.

My cousin was 6 months my senior. We were often in the same classes at primary.

I went down the academic route. He left school with one 'O' Grade in Woodwork. He was always a very quiet boy. (Years later, a family member was diagnosed with Asperger's - that helped make a great deal of sense of many of us in our family.)

My mum and his mum used to discuss us, but only in a positive way.

Cousin got his City and Guilds as a pattern maker. Worked in Scotland for a while and then emigrated to Australia.

Went to a particular factory for a job. Wasn't doing terribly well at the interview, but when he got to "anything to add", said "Give me a pattern and I'll copy it."

He got the job.

He finished up as manager of the factory. He's done much better for himself than I ever have. He retired from his factory job and then became the manager of a golf course - pretty much his dream job, I should imagine - he was daft on golf as a teenager.

I realise that the OP's relative is disappointed, but she's out of order. There's no shame in working for a living.

The nephew could go to college anytime in the next couple of year and continue.

And you did say it was far more complicated going to uni without A level, which is obviously not true . You never said anything about continuing in education after gcse just rambled on about A levels

I come from a very academic family, but hated school. I dropped out at 17 which my parents sort of accepted. DB & DS both went to uni, I have had a much more successful career than both, to the extent that I no longer need to work full time while they both say the have to work until they are in their 70’s. University and the academic route isn’t for everyone and the fact he got a job says a lot about his work ethic!

@mummybear35 my sil has a PhD and is a professor at Cambridge and dd2 has a Masters. I'm pretty certain that if their ds (who is only 3) didn't want to pursue A levels, university etc they would be supportive as long as he wasn't going to just sit at home all day.

My late husband left school at 15 and went straight into work. The only plan was to work for a living. (School had advised that he shouldn't stay on.) He worked on various estates with an interruption for National Service. (Yes, I know that jobs are harder to come by these days.)

He went to night school in his twenties, whilst working and earning to pay for his then wife and children. He graduated from uni in his 30s.

Sometimes things clarify as you become older.

My mum was very controlling and wouldn't let me leave sixth form for an apprenticeship (Hadn't even started sixth form at this point). So I flunked the year and got kicked out. Then she still wouldn't let me do an apprenticeship so I messed around at college and barely passed. My mum only cared about academics , not what I wanted or my own wellbeing. I now have kids and still can't empathize with why she behaved so badly towards me in my life. We don't speak and it's amazing, no pressure now. I went to uni after having my kids and got a degree.

I would suggest carrying on supporting your nephew. He's old enough to find something he enjoys and knowing at least 1 person supports you makes the world of difference

It’s never too late to go back to education though, maybe he will work for a few years and the realise what it is he wants to do and go down that educational route.

Not nice. She needs to grow up.

I’d never talk negatively about my stepsons with them in earshot

Our children aren't extensions of us as parents. They're individuals with their own needs, wants, life paths.

Unconditional love means accepting our children for who they are, not for who we might (unreasonably) hope for them to be

Both my sis and my BIL are very well educated, upper middle class professionals- both did A levels, went to uni, worked hard and have now both got senior roles.

Well I'd say your DN has dodged a bullet there seeing as the "well educated professional route" seems to have left your sister a drunken mess. I'd have a guess that she maybe annoyed that her DS might be happier in his "lesser" job than she seems to be in her more "important" one.

Did OP say her sister is an alcoholic?

Sorry but I’m with you, unlike the MN mafia on here.
He isn’t a drop out, he has a full time job, he isn’t laying around.
If he decides on a different career path in the future then he can get the qualifications he needs then.
I say this as someone who also dropped out of college and now runs a multi million £ business. as someone’s who best mate went straight into work after school and worked her way up and now earns £70k a year and as someone’s who has a son who hates college and is looking at alternative options for next year.
She needs to get over herself and support him in deciding his next steps and if that is working full time while he figures himself out then that is absolutely fine.

It's crystal clear why your DN wants to be independent of his mother. He can return to education when he is older, it might be tough but sometimes it's better to be a mature student.

But your sister needs to realise this situation is down to her and her alcohol dependence. He has come to the realisation that he cannot rely on her. She doesn't have his back. What a mess she has created.

Your sister has every right to be pissed off with her son dropping out of school. It's easy to criticise when you are an aunty. Being a mum is a whole other ball game.

It is shitty to passively aggressively slag him off loud enough for him to hear it though.

Your sister is allowed to be disappointed. But she should button it around her son. Talking about him while he is there could do irreparable damage to their relationship. My eldest got into grammar school (we’re in NI, so loads of children take the transfer test) and did so well for the first couple of years. Then he dropped off a cliff. He’s been awaiting ASD assessment for several years - from before he started to struggle with school. He just doesn’t respond well to pressure AT ALL. It has been a hard pill to swallow, but we have had to adjust our expectations. He just isn’t academically inclined, despite his intelligence. He has assured me that he will endeavour to ‘find his thing’.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.

What a bloody shame. Children mature at different rates. Some are not ready for A level exams, some can only focus on A levels if they understand the bigger picture. My DD trued A levels twice and dropped out of 6th form both times. Spent an additional year at home, depressed, and feeling a failure compared to her friends. We made sure she knew we understood and gave her opportunities to try different stuff - apprenticeships, online A Levels but nothing stuck until she discovered you could do a one year Access to HE diploma, which didn’t have exams [she suffered from severe anxiety due to ASD/ADHD so this was crippling her in class tests]. It was all research project and assignment based. She started at 19, and now at 20 she has straight distinctions and will be going to bloody good uni in Sept… because SHE wanted it. We’d have been happy if she’d taken the qualification and looked at apprenticeships or got a job. At no stage did we tell her or even hint that we were disappointed by (or even for) her.

OP’s DSis should be fucking ashamed of herself. I hope OP can communicate to DNeph that she doesn’t share those views, that taking a different path doesn’t make him ‘less than’ anyone else, and that she is always on hand if he wants to discuss training, school, his life, etc. It sounds as though he needs to know he has someone in his corner.

@feelingbleh

i get what you’re saying but it’s not a race to the bottom.

his mum is probably worried as to how he is going to ever get on the property ladder or doing life enriching stuff like travelling if he doesn’t do any further education or training.

She has every right to be upset/annoyed tgst he's dropped out of school. But... it's his life to do with what he wishes. My son dropped out of uni after 3 years (4 year course).
While I too was upset, I thought about him too and the effect going to uni was having on his mental health. He wasn't happy. He is now in a full time job having undertaken an apprenticeship at the age of 25 (he's 29).

He could if he wanted to go back to school/college in the future, this will be his choice.
The mother needs to give her head a wobble and stop being a snob.

It's interesting that your sister attends church but describes her son as hopeless in his earshot. Is she one of those performative Christians who go to church to make themselves look good while actually being selfish and unkind?