DH wants horses

[Dreamingohorses]

I would like some advice. For years my DH has been dreaming of owning a house where he can have horses of his own. He used to ride as a teenager and loved cross country but never had a horse of his own. Since I have known him (20 odd years) he has only however ridden on the odd occasion and tells me it is not the same riding someone else's horse. I have occasionally booked him a riding lesson as a gift but he never wanted to keep them up and said they were a waste of money as he didn't have his own horse and would rather save his money to fund this.

Anyway 5 years ago he announced that in the next 5 years we would be moving to somewhere with land so he could have his own horses. Over the 5 years he has worked hard and saved up enough money (around £400k in ISAs) to fund the extra this would cost and now the 5 years are up he wants to move.

However my concern is that he is seeing the whole horse idea through rose tinted specticles and I will end up being the one doing the day to day grind of sorting them out. In fact when I mentioned to him what a tie they are he said not to worry as there 'are always local people in the village happy to help out for free riding'. I said to him he should try helping out at a local stables or doing a horse share to see what it is like first but he would not even contemplate the idea.

I am wondering whether I should just let him go for it or not (he clearly needs to get it out of his system) but it could potentially be a very costly mistake as we would loose all the ISA tax advantages plus we are looking at over £100k in stamp duty.

AIBU in putting my foot down and blocking this move?

Just let him go for it.
Yes he may regret it, he might not, but he will definitely regret not doing it.
Besides, you sound incredibly controlling. Imagine if the shoe was on the other foot, and he wasn't letting you persue a dream of yours.

Are you horsey? Does he have lots of free time?

Admirable that he's saved that money but that often goes hand in hand with hard work and long hours.

As an adult I now understand why my parents never let me have my own horse!

Why has he done all of the saving for the move? I'm not sure you can 'block the move' if this is something he really wants to do - surely he'll just do this without you. You seem very dismissive of his dreams.

Think about it: you only regret the things you didn't do in life. Let him have his horse. A move to the countryside can also have some positive benefits for yourself.

But make it clear from the outset that the horses are HIS to look after and pay for.

PS, we have a 3rd dog because DH wanted his own as the other 2 are firmly bonded to me! It's worked out OK... but in the beginning I had to put my foot down very firmly!

I think you are being unreasonable- but only in considering taking on the day to day grind! He has a dream and he’s saved hard to fund it, I don’t see how you can reasonably block it. But the warning signs are already there that he sees this project through entirely rose tinted glasses and early cold, wet and muddy starts 365 days a year will be a shock to his system. I’d be making it very very plain at this stage that this is HIS dream and HIS responsibility and whether he fancies a lie in or fancies he has man flu the horse will still be there and still solely his responsibility which you will not be assisting with. No way no how. He is a single man for the purposes of horse ownership!

Why doesn't he just get a horse and keep it at a livery yard if he's so desperate for his own? A horse at a DIY yard would be much better than having his own place as a novice owner with all the maintenance and upkeep involved on top of the horse care. With his own place he'd need more than 1 horse as well.

He's been waiting 20 years, it's not some pipe dream he's just come up with this morning in the shower. I don't think you can stop it or try to prevent it. You have known it was coming and it's on you if you didn't listen or take it seriously, he's been saying it for years.

I'm a horsey person and your husband is right it is totally different when it's your horse.

Unlike kids and dogs etc, horses can be turned out and turned away to mature. Which means they don't need much looking after at all. You just turn them out on the land pop and check on them once a day if the grazing is good and in winter hay and feed depending on breed/age/how well they do. A bit of field maintenance occasionally.

Horses are happy just being horses and as long as they have other horses for company they really don't mind being left to do their own thing and just brought in for feet/dental stuff.

I probably worded it wrong regarding blocking the move as I don't think I could realistically do this anyway without us splitting up but I would rather he had spent a bit more time around horses and that his dream was grounded in a bit more reality. He currently works long hours and I pick up 100% of everything else to do with the children and house.

We already live quite rurally but without the adjacent land and I don't really understand why he doesn't enjoy doing riding locally without all the hassle of ownership. Maybe someone with horses can explain this to me as I am really not horsey at all.

This, this, this!

I’ve got horses, so would always advise NOT to get horses 😂, but he should he able to have one if he wants to and can afford it. No adult has the right to control another.

I will end up being the one doing the day to day grind of sorting them out.

I assume he knows you’re not experienced in horse care or riding so this just won’t be an option.

Beyond that, you sound pretty passive and disinterested in your own life and marriage. If my DH, five years ago, had brought up a five-year plan of saving his money with a goal to relocating and having a totally different lifestyle, I’d have been right in there, discussing and ironing out the logistics and planning a mutual dream which worked for both of us, and committing my own plans and savings to our shared future life, all these years.

Whereas you seem to have been completely disengaged and now seem surprised that it’s coming to fruition. That sounds like the bigger picture problem here, not horses themselves. It sounds as though you really need to get talking with each other, and about much more than horses.

I used to be an avid horse rider. Gave it up about 10 years ago because I am sick of horse owners taking the piss. I have always said I want to go back to it, but will only do it on my terms- when it’s my land and my horses.

I understand where you DH is coming from completely. When you are an adult of a certain standard, it starts to lack enjoyment when you are paying over the odds to essentially train or bring on someone else’s horses, which inevitably happens when you turn up somewhere regularly and they realise you know what you’re about.

Thank you for sharing your experience. Please can I ask what do you do with the horses when you want to go away or a few days or a longer holiday?

Also what would you say are the average annual costs of keeping a horse? I assume you need more than one for company? Say 2 on around 5 acres?

Every horse owner I know spends time poo picking. You have to be ok to do that kind of thing.

The thing is it’s never ending
he needs more than 1 horse as they don’t do well living alone. Then you end up with 2 that are so bonded they hate being separated for riding so you get a third

money wise you may as well burn £50 notes

I would ask him to write a plan of how he thinks his typical day and your typical day will look post-move.
05.30 shower
06.00 check horses
07.00 commute
08.00 work
18.00 dinner
19.00 ride horses/maintain/brush
21.00 home

They you say, when will you see the children? When will you do your fair share of the housework? When will you do life admin/maintain house/see your parents? And so on.

If you are both happy with the draft schedule, great. But I suspect it will either show you that it's doable, or show him that it isn't doable without him sacrificing family time or you bearing the whole burden of running the house and kids.

Yes I said a bit of field maintenance, if you read my post again. It also depends how many horses on how many acres. Two horses on small cramped section of paddock taped off with a bit of electric fence will need cleaning all the time. 10 acres of proper pasture will probably not. Especially if the grazing is properly managed and rotated.

Some people hate livery yards. I hate the politics that accompanies them. Even the nice ones over a few years can get someone in who changes the vibe. I’d rather not ride than deal with livery.

I saved up to get a horse but what I didn’t do is then try and do it all myself from day one! Perhaps suggest he starts with a part livery option whilst he gets into the swing of things before he’s busy buying land and building houses lol! There are lots of things I didn’t know ( despite always riding) and other people at the yard have been my saviours many a time! I’d eventually like to have him at home, but I’m not there yet!

If you're not horsey, what makes you think you would be responsible for the horse's care? Horses take a lot of specialist care, it's not like feeding a fish. You wouldn't be able to do it without a lot of supervised practice first.

Having riding lessons now and then is nothing like owning your own horse, so I wouldn't take his lack of interest in the odd lesson as indicative of much. That said, if you think he's unrealistic about the work involved, it's worth having a serious conversation about it now.

Is he acknowledging and confident about the fact that every day there may be some combination of feeding, grooming, hay, water, mucking out, riding, rugging up, bringing in and turning out, worming, farriery, etc.? Does he realistically have time for this alongside his other responsibilities? If he's relying on help from others in return for letting them ride his horse, has he thought about the insurance he will need in case there is an accident?

If he is is serious about this and has considered all of these factors then I don't think you have anything to worry about - it's a long held dream of his which he has saved to fund and is taking seriously. If he hasn't considered this properly then having the conversation may open his eyes to it so that he makes a proper plan for how it will work.

I did read it, thanks and appreciate that logistics make a difference. When horses are kept on limited grazing (for health) friend was picking up a wheelbarrow a day of poo from two horses. If your horse has five acres and no risk of laminitis, perhaps it's not the same.

He's dreamed of it ... Worked, and saved for it ... has enough now.
He sounds pretty determined to me.
I'm quite old now - and wish I'd followed my dreams.
I hope he gets the horses ... and I hope you love them too ...

It does make a big difference, yes. The small paddocks have to be picked daily; the larger ones if they're managed properly can just be dragged a few times per year, if you have the weather for it.

I agree that riding someone else's horse is not the same. Riding school horses are typically very non-responsive having been ridden by people who haven't got a clue what they are doing and it's very unrewarding riding them unless being 'out in nature' is what you enjoy rather than actual act of riding the horse.

Sometimes it's possible to find a long term sharing agreement but I suspect you have to be very lucky or wait a long time for the right thing to come up (or both).

Sounds like if you didn't want to make this move you needed to voice it a long time ago and now he thinks you are doing it so it would be very difficult to veto it.

Worst case he doesn't like having a horse, I am sure you could rent out the land so focus on finding a house you like in a location you like regardless of the land situation.

the idea that others will do the job for a free ride seems like a pipe dream. I would refuse to look after one. we live in a horsey area and the work is never ending. Not like a motorbike you can leave in the garage for a month or for winter. Someone has to look after it if the owner goes away. Cost? like owning an expensive car. From Google but owners on here may disagree
The annual cost of keeping a horse in the UK can range from approximately £5,800 to £14,820. This cost can vary significantly depending on the horse's needs, location, and the type of livery chosen. Factors like livery type, feed, insurance, vet and farrier costs, and unexpected expenses all contribute to the overall price.