DH wants horses

[Dreamingohorses]

I would like some advice. For years my DH has been dreaming of owning a house where he can have horses of his own. He used to ride as a teenager and loved cross country but never had a horse of his own. Since I have known him (20 odd years) he has only however ridden on the odd occasion and tells me it is not the same riding someone else's horse. I have occasionally booked him a riding lesson as a gift but he never wanted to keep them up and said they were a waste of money as he didn't have his own horse and would rather save his money to fund this.

Anyway 5 years ago he announced that in the next 5 years we would be moving to somewhere with land so he could have his own horses. Over the 5 years he has worked hard and saved up enough money (around £400k in ISAs) to fund the extra this would cost and now the 5 years are up he wants to move.

However my concern is that he is seeing the whole horse idea through rose tinted specticles and I will end up being the one doing the day to day grind of sorting them out. In fact when I mentioned to him what a tie they are he said not to worry as there 'are always local people in the village happy to help out for free riding'. I said to him he should try helping out at a local stables or doing a horse share to see what it is like first but he would not even contemplate the idea.

I am wondering whether I should just let him go for it or not (he clearly needs to get it out of his system) but it could potentially be a very costly mistake as we would loose all the ISA tax advantages plus we are looking at over £100k in stamp duty.

AIBU in putting my foot down and blocking this move?

One horse isn't a sensible option, horses are herd creatures and need company... so you're really looking at two, possibly a ridden horse and a companion, or two horses to ride.

When you go away - you hire someone to come in and feed/water/hay/check legs - what they do depends on how your horses are kept. Some live out and you're looking at a leg check (should all have 4 each!), rug check if rugged, check they have water... the other end of the scale is horses who have to come in, be fed a meal from a bowl, haynets filled and put up, water replaced, mucked out etc etc.

He's not wrong that sometimes you can arrange for people to do yard work in exchange for riding - however the people offering that will be unlikely to be the people you would want riding your horses unsupervised (teenagers!) and you're likely to find your insurance won't cover having unsupervised teenagers handling your horses on your land when you're not there.

Competent adults you'd trust to do these things unsupervised will charge per day. (Probably a similar sort of fee to dog in kennels though).

Another option is sharers - where someone shares the horse with you, they pay a set fee toward keep, and usually have set days that they 'do' the horse and then its usually possible to arrange holidays so they get extra horse time in exchange for the yard work/looking after. But finding a good sharer who isn't a lunatic isn't always easy!

It is all possible and do-able... but I would ask him to think about what sort of horse, how he envisages them living, will they be low maintainance, living out most of the time... or higher maintenance partially stabled. I'd find out what it is he actually wants to DO with his horses -hack round the countryside several days a week or compete at something? The two are verrrrrrrry different lifestyles really!

I’ve got three horses and actively encouraged my ex to get one of his own so, obviously, I’m all in favour of your DH’s plan. I’m surprised by the dynamics of your relationship insofar as your partner has finally got the chance to realise his dreams but you seem both to passively accept the idea but are also thinking about vetoing it? I can’t figure out how such a big move/lifestyle change which has been saved up for for years could simply be dismissed at the last moment? Has your partner found a suitable property? Or horse?

re costs, hmm, tricky to say because it very much depends on the type of horse, with “finer” horses breaking more often as a rule and needing expensive veterinary care, or at least in my experience of owning them as opposed to my native ponies. I keep mine out, although they each have a stable and graze my sheep alongside which helps with worm control. I reckon mine cost about £200 a month in summer and double that in winter, unless they need a vet but that’s only a guess as I daren’t actually work it out!

It sounds like the ideal solution would be for your husband to buy a horse but keep it at a livery yard on full livery where they will do all of the day-to-day care, mucking out, feeding et cetera and your husband would just need to turn up and ride. Then you haven’t got the hassle of field maintenance or doing them in the pissing rain on a dark winter tonight when you’re trying to juggle kids as well.
You’re right, it’s not fair or kind to keep a horse on its own so if you were going to have them at home, you need to have at least two so that they have some company as they are a herd animal. 5 acres would be fine for 2 horses. Shetlands make great companions and don’t eat much so a good option, but they do tend to be a little shits too, speaking from personal experience!😂
The average cost to run a horse will vary massively. I keep mine at home so I don’t have to pay livery but as an example I pay for my event horse, per month £16 health plan with the vets, £50 insurance, £110 for a set of shoes, £40 on hard feed, and £60 on hay. I have 3 other horses who are slightly less as they don’t have shoes or need as much hard feed.
Over the winter there’s bedding costs to consider too. You can get the six string bales of straw and depending on the harvest these are around £60 and could last a couple of months. Of the bedding is available but much much more expensive. You may find that some liveries will include hard feed hay and bedding.
You also need to factor in a fund for vet bills that aren’t covered by insurance, saddle fittings, physio, field maintenance/repairs if they are at home.
If he wants lessons then they tend to be between £30-£50 per hour depending on the instructor.
And if he wants to start competing, the fees are eyewatering. I event and pay on average £125 per entry and then the cost of fuel to get there.
Saying all of that though I wouldn’t swap it for anything and would highly recommend horse ownership if somebody is genuinely serious about it.

We have somebody come and stay at the house and look after the horses when we're away. It adds a few hundred pounds in cost to a week's holiday.

I don't actually know what the annual cost of the horses is but it's not cheap. Off the top of my head (per horse):

Shoes every 8 weeks: £120
Hay: £50 every 2/3 weeks
Wormer: £30 twice a year
insurance: £73 per month
Hard feed and supplements: £85 per month
Competition entry fees: probably c. £50 a month if spread over the course of a year

There are other things as well - increased car insurance premium for towing, a few hundred pounds a year on equipment and gear, the initial outlay of tack and equipment, veterinary bills falling within the excess.

It amounts to thousands a year. And it's well worth it to me! But it's a serious commitment, both in terms of time and money.

Also yes, horses don't like living alone. But the second / third horse(s) don't need to be competition horses. A retired pony or donkey will also do. Of course it will be the retired pony which develops cushings but somehow still lives to be ninety, costing you £300 a month in vet fees until you're in your dotage.

Well the most important thing you have to do is tell him you’re not mucking out horses ever, and never getting up early to feed etc. Nor are you doing ANY favours ever related to the horses.
and then after you send him an email/whatsapp/text message saying exactly the same thing.

this is NOT a joint venture. It is not a kid or house stuff, he needs a stable hand/local person to do it if he has to go away with work etc

How do you get your insurance so cheap please ? I’m paying 145 a month?!

Has he been invisaging himself in the pink pony club a few too many times 🤣

I ride and used to always want a horse, but for practical reasons, it's just never been possible. However, through my business I've been able to look after them occasionally and honestly, it's put me off for life.

They are amazing animals, but they're so expensive and an absolutely massive commitment in terms of time and energy. Has your DH really thought about the day to day practicalities? Mucking out in the pissing rain and driving wind? Planning care for holidays, or weekends away, or when he's sick? Getting up at 5am to sort the horses before work and being home early to sort them again before bed? How will it all fit around work, children, and you?

We have horses and they are one of life's greatest joys . . . but also relentless hard work and the expense is eye-watering - has he actually explored the full cost? It isn't as simple as buying some land and cracking on (sadly!) By the time you've paid for the farrier, vet, insurance, feed and comp entries it can be the cost of a second mortgage. Not to mention the fact that you often have to be around during the day to be there when the farrier/saddler/equine dentist show up.

Does he have experience in equine/stable/field management? I second those who suggest a horse at a livery yard would be a sensible first step - especially as you're not horsey, it'll give him the opportunity to learn how to correctly care for a horse at home and also how it'll fit in with your lives. DH isn't and will occasionally muck out when I'm away but I wouldn't expect him to pick this up routinely.

I would encourage him to go out and look at some horses sooner rather than later. Suggest he buys a horse and keeps it on a livery yard with good facilities for a year whilst you house hunt.
I think it’s a good idea to be around other horsey people at least initially. Lots has changed in the horse world in the last 20 years. And it’s often the case of you don’t know how much you don’t know till you get going.
I agree with him fully that riding at a riding school isn’t great or anything like the same as having your own. And I also would agree with him on not wanting to be on a livery yard long term. I have also repeatedly said I will only go back into horses if I can ever afford to have them on my own land. But in the short term I think it would be a good option to get him going and where he could have some help to fall back on. And also to make some good horsey friends and contacts.
As and when you do have the house and land then he could look to bringing them home . He would need a second horse however or potentially offer a livery space for someone else - which would reduce the workload for him and potentially have someone on hand who is able to help out for holidays etc.

But I would really suggest being on a well equipped yard for at least six months. But as a fact finding mission. What facilities does he regularly use there which he would want at home for example. If he’s at a yard with say a wash bay - does he use it? Is it something he would want to replicate at home etc. or would it be a waste of money putting one in. sell it to him that way.
bit like starting a business - you do your research first and some of that isn’t always the most enjoyable but it pays off in the end.

He currently works long hours and I pick up 100% of everything else to do with the children and house.

There is a conversation to be had here about who exactly is going to do the day to day care. That may well be the way in to agreeing having his own horse at a livery stable. win:win

Agree with this completely. He would be very foolish to jump straight into keeping a horse/horses of his own with no experience. He needs the community that comes with keeping a horse at a livery yard, even better at a yard that will offer lessons, guidance around farriers, hacking out with other owners etc. He’d be more likely to find an experienced rider without their own horse, if he needs to do a part share/loan too.

What kind if horse is he looking at? I’d be encouraging him to spend more on an experienced, older horse that will boost his confidence rather than something very green and young. I’ve a terrifying image of him buying a young 4 year old and trying to train it himself ….At least 13 years old or older is what he needs.

He sounds a bit delusional and perhaps arrogant but I’d say let him go for it, but really the livery yard and one older horse is the best bet.

@Dreamingohorses Yes this! It’s all very well a DP having wanted something for decades but given that OPs compromise suggestions have been rejected I think it’s a good idea to see if DP can put his money where his mouth is. MN frequently tells women to use their voice and hold partners accountable and not be CFs so yes great ideas @MauraLabingi

Sorry but I don’t agree with this at all.

You don’t just stick horses in a field and ‘ pop out to check them once a day’…

They need to be checked properly twice a day

They need the farrier every 7-8 weeks to trim their feet.

They need regular worm counts and worming if necessary

They need the vet/dentist yearly for their teeth

Your field maintenance is topping, harrowing the field and making sure the grazing is rested. Fencing needs to be checked daily and fixed as needed.

On the summer you may have to restrict the grazing to avoid laminitis or the horses being overweight.

All of the above costs £££ and while some horses can be low maintenance, they still need looking after properly.

As someone who has grown up with horses and owned them all my life, don’t do it 😂

Horses are high maintenance and take over your life. He needs to be fully committed and recognise that it’s not all riding and fun. 95% of it is hard work, battling the weather, dealing with mud/fencing/poo picking/mucking out.. the list goes on!

Depends on whether the OP’s dreams would cost >100k tax plus all the buying, selling, moving costs and involve their DP in picking up the bulk of that along with everything else because of “long hours”.

@Dreamingohorses has he calculated the running costs of a horse (plus the inevitable second horse as they are herd animals) sensibly? And worked out how much time he really has to spend on horses if he currently lacks time to be involved with the DC? I would not be impressed with a partner who could find time for a time consuming hobby but not for the DC or his share of the load around family.
Would he consider renting a horse as a compromise and see how he gets on with that for 12 months? Then the horse is “his” in terms of use but typically it will live in livery and there is backup to exercise/feed when you are on hols or similar. If he struggles to find the time to manage a rented horse with everything else, he won’t find the time for his own.

I love horses and had 2 when I was younger.
They are a lot of work to keep well and not cheap....he needs to do a bit more research and you need to be clear that you won't be helping him ( unless you want to of course)

Do you have to use the whole £400k for the move @Dreamingohorses ? Can some be saved for costs?

Completely fair enough to veto if DH is planning on you doing the work! Make it clear that you will not be. Husbands are all too willing to take advantage of free labour from their wives.

I think if he has always dreamt of doing this it would be a shame if he didnt, especially has he has the money.

But..... does he work still? What is the set up? What kind of horse? I know someone who has a sensible nice cob type who lives out all year on sandy soil, she rotates paddocks and rakes at weekends with a ride on mower. Other owners graze their horses so if she is away there is always someone to check/feed etc.

If he gets a horse that needs stabling in winter and its clay soil it will be very hard work, cold early mornings , washing legs, changing rugs etc.

Most horses don't like living on their own, so he will need 3 so when he rides there are two left behind.

What about livery?

I used to have two large farms in Wales so I know plenty about field management.

My horses were barefoot, dragging them in for the farrier was easy.

They were honestly not much work at all, everything they needed was on my doorstep so, full tack room and hay on tap as we had it delivered by the lorry load for the cows. I had stables but I mostly kept them out unless they were in for training or being brought into work.

I've never found any of it particularly difficult, expensive or even impractical. People talk about horses as if they're akin to raising dragons. The man has saved up 400k in the last 5 years for his dream, he can afford a horse. Particularly as he won't have livery costs and the horse will be on site so I won't have to drive out to somewhere else daily.

He could probably get some local teenager to come and do chores for not much money (and no, not all teenagers are immature, I used to have a farm hand who was absolutely brilliant).

For holidays he could get in house sitters. I've actually done this myself, it's a free holiday for me and I get to play with somebody else's horses, usually at a fairly nice large house in the country. Text the owners some pictures of their pets. Everybody is happy.

Op did you your husband insist you take a job at a nursery and then at a school before you embarked on a child of your own? Perhaps made sure that you had babysat for somebody else for several hours every week, to be sure you liked children enough to want one of your own? Not just doing the fun bits of course but full night feeds and poo. And of course you saved up all the money to pay for their future university costs and the like in advance?

I have owned horses for the best part of 50 years. They are a herd animal, so you can’t just have one. You have to check on them regularly - you can’t just chuck them in a field and ignore.
Your DH would be better to buy a horse and put it on DIY livery so he can learn how much work is involved.

An adult absolutely has the right not to want to move house solely because someone else has an obsession with buying land so he can own horses, when he hasn’t ridden in years and has no experience of ownership whatsoever.

Op did you your husband insist you take a job at a nursery and then at a school before you embarked on a child of your own? Perhaps made sure that you had babysat for somebody else for several hours every week, to be sure you liked children enough to want one of your own?

Presumably the DC were something they planned and wanted together, warts and all and it sounds as if the OP does facilitate his life being unimpeded in the workplace by carrying all the home load.

If you want to compare with DC the comparison would be only one partner wanting children to which the stock response is “both of you need to want it” considering the impact on both lives.

He isn’t talking about buying an overpriced bike and lycra which in a year will sit forgotten in the garage. He is assuming, despite evidence to the contrary, that he has the time needed to own and manage living horses when currently he doesn’t have time at home due to “long hours” and hasn’t tested out the commitment for himself by one of the half way options.

My sister has had horses all her life. They aren't necessarily expensive to buy but they are hugely expensive in time and money to keep.
She's a proper horsey expert and it's an absolute minefield buying the right horse, seriously unscrupulous people who won't disclose problems with health or temperament.
Then there's vet bills and blacksmiths, not to mention kit. You can't just chuck a horse in a field, they need regular care and contact (also company) so every day more than once. When you go away you need a trusted person to look after them.
When they get old what do you do? My sister has never got rid of a retired horse so always has an elderly one around, plus the odd pony companion.

But OPs husband had just ‘ ridden a bit ‘ as a teenager and not been interested for 20 odd years?!

If he was really in to horses then surely he would have kept riding or bought one? If he loves them so much he would have kept up no?

He already works long hours and doesn’t help OP either the house or spend time with THEIR
children so I think he needs to address that first really doesn’t he?

Also your last paragraph is just ridiculous - having children is completely different and presumably they both wanted them?