DH wants horses

[Dreamingohorses]

I would like some advice. For years my DH has been dreaming of owning a house where he can have horses of his own. He used to ride as a teenager and loved cross country but never had a horse of his own. Since I have known him (20 odd years) he has only however ridden on the odd occasion and tells me it is not the same riding someone else's horse. I have occasionally booked him a riding lesson as a gift but he never wanted to keep them up and said they were a waste of money as he didn't have his own horse and would rather save his money to fund this.

Anyway 5 years ago he announced that in the next 5 years we would be moving to somewhere with land so he could have his own horses. Over the 5 years he has worked hard and saved up enough money (around £400k in ISAs) to fund the extra this would cost and now the 5 years are up he wants to move.

However my concern is that he is seeing the whole horse idea through rose tinted specticles and I will end up being the one doing the day to day grind of sorting them out. In fact when I mentioned to him what a tie they are he said not to worry as there 'are always local people in the village happy to help out for free riding'. I said to him he should try helping out at a local stables or doing a horse share to see what it is like first but he would not even contemplate the idea.

I am wondering whether I should just let him go for it or not (he clearly needs to get it out of his system) but it could potentially be a very costly mistake as we would loose all the ISA tax advantages plus we are looking at over £100k in stamp duty.

AIBU in putting my foot down and blocking this move?

Do you already live in the countryside? Do you want to? Do your children? How will you facilitate their social lives as they get older?

I loved the suggestion above that you get the horse now and use the livery option as research for how he wants to set up his own yard when you move in.

Hes bonkers to think he can launch straight into ownership with no current knowledge!

Just to give you a bit more info @Dreamingohorses I spend at least 1k a month on my horse including livery. I’ve only had him just over 6 months and nothing prepared me for the extra stress and huge money pit ( my planning sheet only had about 3/4 of the things I needed on it! ) I literally used to wake up in a cold sweat like ‘wtf have I done’ and that’s with a full livery package. …..

I can only concur with the sensible comments on here from other experienced horsey folk.

Your point A would be the biggest concern for me. Like another poster above I think he’s either being selfish in his own imaginary bubble, or he’s completely clueless and doesn’t know how much he doesn’t know (and it’ll be the horse that suffers most).

Moving from a livery yard, where you have the support and knowledge of other experienced folk, either other DIY owners or experienced staff, just to your own land with your own horse is a big deal- even when you are fully ‘in the zone’ and know your horse well.

To do it off the back of some riding experience, not even full time ownership, 20 odd years ago is fool hardy in the extreme.

A small example, I rode at a RS from 5-13, then had my own at livery (DIY but it was a mixed yard with staff to offer advice etc if you were stuck). I gave up at 18 and returned to it in my early 20s. Bugger me it was hard! I had lost the strength and balance that was previously natural. I had lost the confidence (or stupidly!) of being a teen. I was far more worried now about falling/the safety of what I was doing now. I shared for a year or two then bought our own at 27.

I knew I didn’t want to share forever- your husband is right. It isn’t the same, both in negative ways (you may not agree with the ways the owner does things/you can’t do what you want) but also there is a massive safety net there- experienced people around you who won’t let you cock up monumentally to the detriment of yourself and the horse.

When I got my own we kept him on DIY livery, and the support not just in knowledge but emotional/confidence/encouragement was priceless. Our boy is retired now and we have discussed moving from the SE to somewhere cheaper in the NW where we could have land and keep him at home (obviously with a companion). I’d still feel a bit nervous moving him to a private home now and not having someone else around to bounce ideas off- just the regular ‘hmmm… does he look off to you?’, ‘the grass is coming through/he’s getting fatter… I’m thinking it’s time to get the muzzle out, what do you reckon?’. I’ve ridden for the majority of my life and owned for 17 years. I’ve competed in a variety of disciplines, mainly local level, but in one at an affiliated national level. I am a competent rider and have some low level BHS exams (British horse society). I am not some numpty, I just know there is a lot I still don’t know!

Keeping them at home, managing all the land and decisions that go with it is a completely different ball game… and that’s before you even think about the other issues you mention regarding moving/expecting help etc.

This in spades!! Horses get the most spectacular (and expensive) array of illnesses - can he spot them and know what to do and who to call?

OK I'm probably very biased here as I am very much horsey. But this does not sound like a pipe dream. This is something he has worked for and is clearly something he has his heart set on. However I do agree with you that having a horse on livery would be a good starting point. They are a lot of work and yes i agree with you, while this is something he has dreamed of there could well be some rose tinted glasses. Something that may be worth considering is offering a place for someone else to keep their horse with his in exchange for helping with the work load. It's not fair to just have 1 horse on its own, so offering livery in exchange for work could help keep your costs down as well as taking the responsibility off you if he can't do them all the time. I also agree with the comments about caring for them and spotting issues. Riding them and keeping them are very different things.

I have my horses at home. I was your husband as it was always my dream too. Slight differences in that I had my own pony as a child, then share horses and riding lessons so it has been a constant hobby.
It is hard work having them at home. I love it but it's a lifestyle not a hobby any more.
I have my horse and a companion. I ride 4-5 times a week, I have to do all the poo picking, mucking out, feeding, be there for farrier visits, vet visits, hay deliveries, move the 100 bales of hay, move fences, fix fences etc, etc etc. I work full time but I wouldn't cope if I didn't work from home. I also have very easy horses that my non horsey husband is happy to wrangle on occasion.
I have £30 million liability insurance and I won't hire a groom who isn't insured either.
I knew what I was getting into and it was still a shock to the system. I think you need a hard conversation about how these horses will actually be managed.

My dad talked our whole childhood of buying a yacht. He would hire one most summers and sail with friends, but every time I went into his study to ask for more spending money he would be looking at pictures of yachts

He bought one a decade ago and hasn't looked back. He does most of the maintenance himself, sails it whenever he can. I very much get the sense of someone who has fulfilled his life dream that he worked and saved hard for

That’s a huge amount of money to have saved which is admirable. It sounds like he has a dream and seriously wants to pursue it, you don’t get the right to “block” that if the money is his savings but you do of course have the right to an opinion to be discussed within your relationship.

I have four horses, they are haaaard bloody work but they are also flippin amazing and my sanctuary from the world. Clearly no one should buy an animal without thorough research and prep, so help him with that and find out between you what the costs and commitments are. Horses are herd animals so need company of their own kind; many breeds have inherent health considerations, winter horse care sucks ass, summer horse care can be equally problematic, horses pretty much spend most of their time finding new and interesting ways to die, but the in between times are awesome and they are the best company. You probably won’t see this comment among the hundreds of others but if you’d like some practical advice and support around the possibilities of horse ownership you’re welcome to message me.

This. He’d get support as a novice owner and could opt to pay for extra help if he needed it.

There comes a point when riding a riding school horse becomes boring. It’s natural to want to progress to ownership but as a novice, jumping straight to your first horse on your own land is a stupid idea.

You need people around you who know what they’re doing, it’s really important. There is so much to learn with just the day to day stuff but this never stops. I’ve been riding and owning horses for 30 years and I only just learned yesterday that buttercups need to be removed from the field as they burn their skin.

Having your own land is nice but it’s also lonely. We love the social side of going the yard. I suggest getting a loan or buying a suitable horse (please take advice with this too as there are so many scammers and dodgy dealers out there) and keeping it on a livery yard for a couple of years.

Nothing beats horse ownership but it is a huge commitment and a money pit too.

I wish my DH wanted horses. I have two and he won’t have anything to do with them and makes jokey comments about them ruining his life 🤣

On a serious note, as I think others have called out, it’s hard to keep horses cheaply if you want them healthy and happy. Mine cost around 2-2.5k a month kept on rented sole use private yard. That includes all feed and forage, professional help as one is still green. The physio was out this week that was £120, one had his feet trimmed and that was £60, I had a haylage and straw delivery that was nearly £200, they get through a lot of hay that I have to buy in. They get a couple of supplements they don’t seem to be able to thrive without, shoeing is £108 every 5 weeks as if I leave it any longer he pulls a shoe or gets cracks, it’s NEVER ENDING. That’s before you’ve even got a saddle, made sure it fits and ridden anywhere.

I would also be very wary of owning them at home without decent prior experience. You can’t wing it really and knowing what to look out for, so you can decide if vets are needed or prevent issues is key. I have had horses as an adult for 10 years and I still wish there was an experienced “adultier adult” nearby sometimes. They’re overwhelming, baffling and downright dangerous in the wrong hands sometimes.

I would start keeping eyes open for the right house but follow your gut and get him around them first. I volunteered at a riding school for 9 months or so before I got mine just to get back into it. And I was still so out of my depth it’s not funny back then.

Everest Milton graced my walls as a teenager ❤️

I currently have 2 horses on 3 acres ( about to downsize to 2 acres!) and it’s worked fine. You can get a ridden horse of course, but a good shout would be to get a rescue horse from horse welfare - they’ll help you with management and their strict guidelines will help DH understand the reality of horses! Most importantly, don’t go for two ridden off the cuff - it’s a lot of work!

Wouldn't you rent first? With a horse as part of the package perhaps, you could try to loan one from somewhere? Or a local stables close by?

He's worked so hard, it would be a terrible mistake if it didn't go right.

I'd definitely rent first in the area you are looking at.

I can't see how a high demand job is compatible with having a horse... but what do I know? Has he ever actually owned a horse for any period of time? Does he really know what's involved?

Say from your side you need to ease into it gently, you can say you're sure he'll cope but it's you who aren't sure, that perhaps you'll miss living wherever you are now? Are there any benefits perhaps that you will miss that won't be there once you're in the countryside?

He's in love with his dream - but perhaps it's just a dream - not reality. I hope you can both get what you want though.

I'd also consider enrolling on a course or a degree of some sort so you'll be up to your eyeballs in your own commitments with no time to look after the horse.

What are your dreams?

Very expensive... unless he gets given one... but of course you should never look a gift horse in the mouth - which means it could end up costing you a fortune in dentist's bills.

Getting a cat would be a better choice.

This is me! I have four at home, two are my daughters. There is a lot to be done around the place and its hard when you are working full time. If I didn't work from home it would be impossible, I would never see them and get to enjoy them, only chores! I currently have one on box rest and he needs a LOT of attention at the moment. I love them but life does revolve around them and their needs. I have a wonderful farrier and vet and my DD is a vet nurse, so I have a good back up team. Finding cover is not easy - the kind of people who will do it for a free ride often people you wouldn't let within 10 feet of your horse. Professionals are not always available and prioritise clients who give them regular work, not one off jobs.

We are mortgage free and have tough native ponies, so I can keep four for less than the price of one on full livery. It's still not cheap, though, and always costs more than you expect. As much as I love them, there are times I feel overwhelmed, especially in the winter. I ugly cry about once a year over broken fencing, damaged troughs etc. And my lot live out 24/7! We have a decent bit of land so rotate and rest rather than poo pick, have three sheep as our clean up crew and pretty much let the herd go feral over winter. My non-horsey husband finds it quite hard that my moods are linked to the herd - no one around here is happy unless the herd is happy! He has nothing to do with them, he is just not interested and I think they would struggle to pick him out of a line up.

I love my life, though, and I wouldn't change it for the world but it is full on. I do understand where your husband is coming from, there is nothing like having your own horse and being able to keep them at home is the gold standard. But when we moved I had learned the ropes of horsemanship on a livery yard for years and myself and my pony had been a partnership for nine years so the transition was a lot easier. I really would recommend he try out a livery yard first, even just for a year, before you start house hunting. It also gets lonely, being on your own. I like it, but he might not.

Get the horse and get the land there’s nothing better. It’s my dream to have some land and some animals.

i have no idea how anyone could possibly save up £400k in 5 years but hey I’m clearly living in the wrong place/world/time/dimension

I can't get past the fact that he's never owned a horse before, and last rode regularly 20 years ago. Sorry to say but most people I've ever come across like this, have no idea how to properly care for a horse. It's madness. I would definitely encourage him to keep a horse at a reputable livery yard to start with. Have lessons on his own horse. And learn.

So he won't support you in your career bur expects you to support him in a house move plus two horses!

Sounds a selfish fucker to me.

I think I'd resent every impact that the move & horses had on me.

I am lucky enough to have my own horse and have done since I was a child. I have had horses for 20 years. While I absolutely love it people that always say they want a horse and all they talk about is the riding side of owing horses usually have absolutely no idea what a commitment it is actually owing a horse!! The riding is probably only 20% of the owning. Keeping a horse these days cost a fortune (and I am lucky my horse is at home so I don’t need to pay for livery). Also good luck getting someone in the village to ride/look after a horse for free unfortunately that’s not how it works. Horses can also particularly sensitive animals in terms of care, it’s not like a cat or dog. Unless your husband has owned his own horse in the past I would definitely suggest helping out at a riding school before purchasing, a few hours mucking out stables will make him change his mind 🤣

Why not loan a horse and do all the work and see how he gets on? 😂

I’ve had horses, both in full and DIY livery and kept them at home (we have a farm).

Keeping horses at home is not all it’s cracked up to be. It’s much more land management than riding off into the sunset. The planning permission for various things, the mud (so much mud!), the fact you need horses ideally 3 so that you can ride one and still have companions for the ones at home, the fact the buck stops with you (colic, it’s all you, an abscess, no helpful hands around who are really good at poultices, what if there are metabolic issues, no options for easily rotating off grass). Did I mention the mud? Unless you can afford 20 acres, you won’t be able to rest fields and it will be soup all winter in many places in the UK.

What happens if he can’t care for them easily? I got cancer last year and I had to move my 2 out of DIY livery into nearly £400 a month mostly full livery because I physically can’t push a wheelbarrow anymore. I had to sell one, but thankfully £400 a month is manageable for me. It wouldn’t be for a lot of people.

It really is worth doing a practice run and having the work of keeping a horse to see if it’s for you. When mine were at home or on DIY, it was easily 2-2.5 hours of time every day. That doesn’t even include riding! Does Dh have an extra 2.5 hours of time every day? Morning and night. And I mean every day. Christmas Day. Boxing Day. When he’d be away on a stag do. There literally isn’t a day off, unless you have hired help. I spent Christmas 2 years ago dealing with an emergency vet call out instead of home cooking dinner for my family and spending time with everyone who came to stay.

I do love my horse, but having him is possible only because I now have the money to pay someone else to do all the graft.

He’s had a plan for years and put it into action and achieved it, I would support him personally, but I’d also like this plan so I’m a bit biased.

I think you need to ask him what type of horse he wants. I mean is he planning on buying a green thoroughbred (terrible idea) or a reliable schoolmaster type that will be a good doer? The latter might not be his dream but would be sensible to get started with. He can always 'upgrade' once he's properly confident in his riding and ability to care for a horse.

I had ponies at home with totally non-horsey parents and our first purchase was totally unsuitable as a result. No harm done to anyone but I look back now and think my parents were bonkers.

i would argue a livery yard would be a good idea not only to check it's definitely what he wants but to build a network of contacts in the horsey world. I remember being very grateful to a horsey neighbour being willing to inject our horse with antibiotics as I just couldn't bring myself to do it.