DH wants horses

[Dreamingohorses]

I would like some advice. For years my DH has been dreaming of owning a house where he can have horses of his own. He used to ride as a teenager and loved cross country but never had a horse of his own. Since I have known him (20 odd years) he has only however ridden on the odd occasion and tells me it is not the same riding someone else's horse. I have occasionally booked him a riding lesson as a gift but he never wanted to keep them up and said they were a waste of money as he didn't have his own horse and would rather save his money to fund this.

Anyway 5 years ago he announced that in the next 5 years we would be moving to somewhere with land so he could have his own horses. Over the 5 years he has worked hard and saved up enough money (around £400k in ISAs) to fund the extra this would cost and now the 5 years are up he wants to move.

However my concern is that he is seeing the whole horse idea through rose tinted specticles and I will end up being the one doing the day to day grind of sorting them out. In fact when I mentioned to him what a tie they are he said not to worry as there 'are always local people in the village happy to help out for free riding'. I said to him he should try helping out at a local stables or doing a horse share to see what it is like first but he would not even contemplate the idea.

I am wondering whether I should just let him go for it or not (he clearly needs to get it out of his system) but it could potentially be a very costly mistake as we would loose all the ISA tax advantages plus we are looking at over £100k in stamp duty.

AIBU in putting my foot down and blocking this move?

Why doesn’t he look at some full time loans. That way he can have a horse, bring it to his yard and he will be responsible for everything to do with that horse. The only difference is that he can give it back to the owner if things don’t pan out (he gets bored and the op gets landed with the care). Make sure you have a contract, normally you can give a months notice to hand the horse back (and they can give you a months notice to take it back).

I did this with my dd as she wanted to buy. I said if she could prove she was prepared to do all the work, then in 6 months time we’d look. she smashed it, from October to March she went to the yard twice a day (plus is was winter), covered the costs of the livery, vets, shoes, physio, dentist etc. so when it came to buying I was happy to support her. She’s 17 and an equine student so at least I know she’s got a great support network and it’s fairly knowledgeable.

I am the person you quoted.

I owned a couple of farms and had multiple horses on them. I only returned to the city when my old mare was put down and I decided I was done with the countryside for a while. I honestly didn't find anything to stress about, I enjoyed all of it. They fit in with my lifestyle, they were honestly not as expensive or inconvenient as people claim, I suppose them being a few metres from my house helped. I am not minimising I simply don't think it's that big of a deal. He can also clearly afford to outsource if needs be, hired help, pay people for repairs to fencing etc, holiday cover.

I'm the sort of person who is used to doing a lot though and not really phased by the outdoors. I also have multiple boats and and tend to do a most of the work myself, and don't find that particularly taxing either, but the way people talk you wonder why anybody owns one.

I think a lot of these type of posts become a race to the bottom, for who can suck the most joy out of the situation or think of the most outrageous hoop that DH must first be jumped through before he has earned a pony. It's insulting and infantilising. He's not a 15 year old expecting mum to pay for it. He's a grown man with 400k saved up who can make his own decisions.

If op posted that she wanted the horse, had told her husband, had waited 5 years while she saved that mount of money, but then her husband was acting as a roadblock, didn't want to move, didn't want to accommodate her dream. She would rightfully be told to leave him and pursue what she wants from life. She would be told he was massively unreasonable and controlling towards her. That life is too short not to do the things you want.

Do you have your own job? your own money saved?

Because if your husband is the only bread winner I can understand that he wants to do something for himself after decades of hard work.

As long as you make it clear that he will be responsible for caring for his horse, I don't think he is unreasonable for wanting to realise his life long dream.

I'd definitely suggest he gets a horse and keeps it at a yard now while he house hunts - that way he can really test out if he want to get a couple more and keep them all at the new house?

And make sure you are absolutely clear that it's his hobby and you're not getting involved at all - if he is ill or breaks his leg or has to go away on business he needs to find a horsey person to cover him.

The emotional cost of horses is huge. My friend had to have her horse PTS for intractable lameness and was completely devastated. It isn't like losing any other pet.

I'm not a horsey person at all, but I am inclined to say YABU, for a couple of reasons.

Your husband rode as a teenager, so understands that work involved in looking after a horse (albeit maybe not having done it every day), and you have the money. My answer would be very different if the thought had just popped into his head, and you would need to take out a loan to cover the move.

However (again as a non-horsey person) I wouldn't be doing any of the care/work for the horse- that would be for him to do himself or organise others to do it.

Haha. Maybe!

Best to get one on loan first.

Just to answer your previous question. When I go away I have a number of free lance grooms I can call on to look after them. That is not so much of an issue.
What is harder having them at home is the day to day stuff and dealing with things when they go wrong. Mine has had various accidents and illness where I've had to rehab him after. I've also probably had more lessons since I got my own horse than I ever had before as I've still needed the help with training a young horse.
I really love my horse and I also love having him at home. But even with 30 years experience I found it hard when I had sole responsibility.

I think for me the thing is OP has known of this plan for a long time. She has always known he has a love of horses and wants to go back to it. For the last five years she has seen him saving hard to make it happen- in the way he wants to do it. If he wanted a loan he could’ve done that 5 years ago. If he wanted livery he could’ve done it three years ago.

He wanted to do it in his own way, on his own land. To start saying no after 5 years of him working towards this is pretty disingenuous.

many of us give up riding, not because we lose interest in horses. But because we hate horse politics. I’m afraid I’d never loan a horse again. I hate working with a horse, forming a bond or working towards a goal, only to have that ruined by an owners plans.

Does he know enough about their care to look after them at home?

It’s not clear from your post exactly how experienced he was when he was younger, did he have his own and do all the care or just ride? Even if he owned, if it was on part or full livery?

I’ve ridden and owned horses the vast majority of my life and since I moved to a property where I have them at home, I’ve still had wobbles on decisions because of not having anyone around to bounce ideas off.

This would be my biggest concern. He’d be better off stabling a horse on a livery yard for a couple of years at least until he gets used to everything.

Keeping horses at home is not for the faint hearted - all my spare time is chores and maintenance.

Well, he’s right that riding someone else’s horse is not the same- like taking someone else’s dog for walk. But doing so would at least have given him some up to date knowledge about horses and the specific sort of fitness you need to ride well. The fact that he’s so all or nothing about it does make it sound like he has an idealised vision of what it’s going to be like, and perhaps is trying to live out a teenage dream rather than approaching it practically.

That said, he has saved impressively and this is clearly a genuine long term dream. I say go for it but have a serious discussion first about how it will work- what you’re willing to do (maybe nothing), who will step in when you’re away, how he’s going to fit everything in, actual costs including costs of something going wrong.

I know a few people that bought horses to ride.
They rode their horses a couple of times & their horses got illnesses.
Then a year of box rest
Still paying for the daily up keep of their horses.

Some horses have years of illness

However, if you are a Horsey person, there are other ways to enjoy a horse without riding.

There are risks

There are expenses

Having had horses, I can really see both sides.

I would let him do it, and the only way to get it out of the system is by doing it. It might be the best thing for him. Horses are so calming, and it’s lovely looking out at them.

As a first step, I would be very careful about the type of horse you get and to make sure that it’s genuine and ‘sound’.’ There are a lot of dodgy horsey people out there that try to shift dodgy horses. Always have been. The horse world is well known for it.

When I bought my last horse I had it thoroughly vet checked and I would highly recommend that you do that to save a lot of heart ache and money in the long run.

You are in a no win situation. If you don’t let him do it, he will resent you.

Good luck 💐

If he hasn't had a horse before or even shared before then I think he will be in for a shock as to how much work they are, especially if stabled. Summer is lovely, but winter can be a long slog especially if we get really bad weather.

You don't tend to just go out a get a horse like rabbit or goldfish, there is alot more to it, which requires knowledge.

Personally think would be best off sharing first or if he won't do that, get a loan or loan with view to buy so that if it turns out it's not for him or too much work, it's easier to hand the horse back to the owners and reassess what is possible in your situations.

@Dreamingohorses any update? Have you managed to have any further discussions?

I don't think you're being unreasonable, purely because this involves living animals. So it's not a matter of you just deciding not to do anything or leaving him to it. If your partner gets a pet and neglects it you're obviously going to look after it yourself because it's not about principles anymore it's about animal welfare. He needs more exposure to the care and husbandry before he gets his own horse.

Even a rabbit is way more work than people realise. They need to live in pairs or groups of they get extremely depressed and they need way more space than any hutch or cage provides. Hell, even the goldfish requires more care than a lot of people think. Sorry, I went off on a bit of a tangent and I'm not disagreeing with the main point of your comment 😁

Absolutely, every animal requires knowledge and commitment no matter how small. What I mean was a horse even more so, at the end of the day these animals weigh over half a tonne and can easily seriously injure you or even kill you if they put their mind to it, it isn't something someone should do as a whim without the proper experience and knowledge first. This is why being on a communal yard for a first horse is better, as more people around to help and share knowledge and experience. I was lucky, my mum had had horses for years when I got mine so I got it from her as well as others as we know alot in that circle, but what you see some naive people doing is shocking.

You are both correct. Having horses is a lifestyle choice not a hobby. A lot of work but , if you have space for more than one you could charge someone DIY livery , which would be company for the horse and you can help each other out , or do a part loan where someone else rides and a few times a week in exchange for looking after

I asked Chat GPT to produce an overview of a typical day of a horse owner including all the land management tasks and costs involved. I think the time involved did come as a bit of a shock to him, he does seem OK on the horse care aspects as did quite a bit of this when younger but did not have a clue about the associated land management. He has decided to focus on his business for a while longer.

The idea is not entirely off the table but he has realised at least for now he doesn't have the time. I did have a look at livery options for him but unfortately they are all 20 min drive and he is not keen.

I’m relieved for the horse he was planning to get. It’s really not something you can just take up as a hobby: you need to have a lot of knowledge and time to look after a horse properly.

If he won't drive 20 mins to a livery yard (which is a pretty good time, tbh) then I really am not sure the reality of horse ownership is for him as pretty much everything about horses is time consuming, expensive, mucky and heavy ... just as well I love them! 😄 BTW is he having regular lessons now? If he isn't then maybe he could find a really good school and start having them again? Riding is one of those things where you have to constantly strive to improve as unfortunately you don't stay at the level you were when you stopped trying; you go backwards 😕Maybe that would help him get his horsey fix and he would be making forward steps towards his dream of having his own horse (though not having it at home still stands!) one day.

I feel desperately sorry for this man. He obviously works hard to support his family and achieve a dream he has held for years. Life can’t be all work. I hope in a few years time he doesn’t look back on this decision and regret it.

I agree it's a odd he wouldn't drive 20mins to a livery yard. Ours is 20mins and we think that's super close, as had to drive way further previously.