DH wants horses

[Dreamingohorses]

I would like some advice. For years my DH has been dreaming of owning a house where he can have horses of his own. He used to ride as a teenager and loved cross country but never had a horse of his own. Since I have known him (20 odd years) he has only however ridden on the odd occasion and tells me it is not the same riding someone else's horse. I have occasionally booked him a riding lesson as a gift but he never wanted to keep them up and said they were a waste of money as he didn't have his own horse and would rather save his money to fund this.

Anyway 5 years ago he announced that in the next 5 years we would be moving to somewhere with land so he could have his own horses. Over the 5 years he has worked hard and saved up enough money (around £400k in ISAs) to fund the extra this would cost and now the 5 years are up he wants to move.

However my concern is that he is seeing the whole horse idea through rose tinted specticles and I will end up being the one doing the day to day grind of sorting them out. In fact when I mentioned to him what a tie they are he said not to worry as there 'are always local people in the village happy to help out for free riding'. I said to him he should try helping out at a local stables or doing a horse share to see what it is like first but he would not even contemplate the idea.

I am wondering whether I should just let him go for it or not (he clearly needs to get it out of his system) but it could potentially be a very costly mistake as we would loose all the ISA tax advantages plus we are looking at over £100k in stamp duty.

AIBU in putting my foot down and blocking this move?

I had horses growing up and he's 100% right, it's not the same having lessons or borrowing a horse. He's saved 400k for his dream, he really means it.
Obviously you have to be happy with the move and the new house, if you're not though, you probably should've said before he saved all that money.
I'd suggest, if it's just the having of the horse that worries you, maybe he loans two - that way if it's not working out they can go back to their old owners stress and cost free and then rent any land or stables out to other people. In terms of holidays, we just paid an equine sitting company (same principle as dog walkera/boarders). You can also find places to take your horse with you on hols. It is tricky when you're ill or tired etc, but no harder than looking after a dog (although at least a dog is inside). Just refuse to look after them - they're his responsibility and if he isn't enjoying it, he needs to look after them until they're sold/returned.

Absolute worst case scenario - it's all a disaster, he doesn't like owning his own horses and the land/house are a pain. You sell up, yes you lose stamp duty but most mortgages are portable (make sure the new one is) and you won't lose too much. I think it's worth the risk for his lifelong dream

I've had ponies and horses all my life. They're a complete drain on finances, energy, a roller coaster of emotions when they break, have to be pts, jump out of where they're supposed to be, trample the neighbour's gardens etc etc. I'm 79, and on my last one now (in theory!). He takes up all of my considerable works pension, and sometimes quite a bit of my OAP money. However, they have all been a source of pleasure, pride in our mutual achievements over the years, and a host if happy memories.
I think that it's worth your partner giving it a go. Just try to ensure that he buys horses that aren't too much for him to handle, and that he budgets enough for their health and welfare needs. Insurance, veterinary and farrier bills, vaccinations, teeth , hay and feed, at a minimum. Him doing the basic BHS horse owners courses would also be a good idea.

Livery is definitely the way forward but I’d also suggest that there are often people with horses looking for short term support because they can’t ride due to an operation or maternity. They want their horse kept where it is and will bear the cost and health risk but need someone to do the heavy lifting and exercising. That would a) give him an idea of just how feasible that is around a FT job (without sucking you as emergency cover if offsite) and b) whether livery with his own horse is actually a better fit until he can start to reduce his workload.
lastly, cross country and all the bells and whistle is going to be much more achievable in a yard that already has a course, a ménage, etc. Is he proposing to buy a house, a horse, a horsebox and a car to pull one, build a cross country course all on day one? That’s huge money.

The trick for you is not sounding like a negative Nelly. Sounds great - shall we work out a budget? Daily timetable. - so you need to leave for work by 7, so that’s feed at 6 and turnout, shower and dress and get to the station in 60 mins. Hmm.? In the dark midwinter….

My main concern in this scenario would be does he have sufficient knowledge to be in sole charge of horses? Riding is only a small part of horse ownership. Would he recognise various ailments including lameness, colic, thrush, choke to mention a few, understand feeding requirements and diet adjustments, tack fitting, land management, routine health tasks like worming? What would happen if the horse was unwell or lame and require frequent monitoring or things like in hand walking/tubbing/cold hosing/ poulticing during the day? Farriers and vets generally only come out for routine visits during the working week so who would be available for these appointments?

Riding sporadically is really not the same as being totally responsible for a horse's exercise, schooling and fitness. What would happen if the horse developed a schooling/training issue?

In all honesty, I would suggest taking some regular lessons in preparation for ownership to get his riding up to speed and then loan/buy a horse and have it on a good livery yard where there is knowledgeable support for a minimum of at least a year, ideally longer to be fair to the horse.

It's rather mad imo.

It sounds like a complete phantasy if he didn't even want to learn to ride or do a share or loan for 6 months to get a feel.

Are you sure this is what you want too? Owning a horse is a lovely dream and can an amazing reality but only if you know how to look after them.

He sounds rather single minded. I'd love to read the update after a year if he and you go for it.

I feel for you OP. Is your husband always this pigheaded?
I respect he has a dream and saved lots of money but this is daydream territory. Has he ever experienced a winter owning a horse? If not, try to get him to do this before spending money buying somewhere, as it will put even the keenest horseperson off.
Yeah riding schools are boring but he should commit to this dream not just by saving money but getting riding and stable management lessons, getting a loan horse, keeping it on full livery with experienced people until he has a clue.
The care of the horse should be paramount. If he's never loaned, or shared a horse and wants to uproot the family and have horses at home with no experience, it will be a disaster for all involved.

And don’t forget picking up poo from now until eternity. 2 horses at least 20 a day!

I’d be making it very clear that this was all his responsibility and you weren’t taking anything to do with it. Unless you want to.

Your husband needs to speak to people who keep their horses at home and work full time. Its bloody hard work, a complete money pit and a sacrifice on everh other aspect of your life. I can't imagine doing this without having had day to day care of a horse. In particular the lack of knowledge and having no-one to around to advise like on a livery yard would be major concerns.

Outside of the day to day looking after horses there is lots of extra maintenance at home, fencing, managing the land etc

You can't stop your husband but you do both need to look into what's required thoroughly.

It will only be you ending up doing the work if you do the work. If you say no, every single time, make sure he knows you will not be organising helpers, and point out that you were clear about this from the start he will have to do it. Do not enable him to drop it all on you.

Word of warning for your DH:

I was horse crazy as a child, gave up for uni and work and harboured similar dreams that once I'd settled I would have my own.

Started to get back into horses and had a massive asthma attack mid lesson. Yes, I'd become allergic. Great.

Now my horse involvement is limited to petting the occasional horse while filled up with inhaler and anti histamine.

Honestly I think he is viewing it through rose tinted glasses- he never owned a horse and it was a childhood hobby so his parents did all the work and covered the expenses. And the horse owner was poo picking and mucking out.

My horse owning friend is up rain or shine at 5am to sort her horse. And then there are the months it's lame and she can't even ride it. Honestly made me feel the allergy gave me a lucky escape.

I would suggest he tries a share while doing some stable management qualifications to see if he can even make it work.

No fucking way. I’d sit down and say from here on in he would be doing 2 hours a day of housework and parenting that he doesn’t do now to demonstrate commitment. And if he wants to cancel or not do it at any point he needs to find someone else too as his horse plan needs to be independent of your time , ajd you cannot just skip a morning or a night. I would make it very clear I will dump his lazy selfish arse if he bought a horse and landed it on me, so you know you will be much better off separating now before you’ve paid stamp, paid for a horse, used the isas and moved house, and you would prefer to separate now if he can’t deliver on this since you will definitely be separating later.

he is expecting you to bend over, and take up an extra couple hours of horse care, and I’d rather file for divorce in your circs.

I wouldn’t ever block the move. But as a fairly new horse owner, you’re not wrong when you’re thinking it will be hard work. The way I explain it, is having a horse don’t isn’t a hobby, it’s a lifestyle. I’m at the yard twice a day at least. I’m there between 20 mins and all day each visit.

Has he also taken into consideration he will have a get his horse, a horse? You shouldn’t keep them as a single, they need to be in a herd. Some horses will get so anxious alone they will become ill

not to mention having a horse at home isn’t just a case of riding and feeding them. You need to know about fencing, water, rotating paddocks, poisonous plants etc (the list goes on).

You are bringing bit unreasonable to block it completely but be very clear that all the horse-work will be 100% his responsibility

assuming you will be looking for a new house, make sure there is an aspect of it that you really want too

all the stuff you’ve listed- exactly?! Why wouldn’t you block the move if you currently do everything, do not want to do this, and don’t trust your dh to do it.
even if he did, she says he works long hours, so he’d have to get home from work earlier etc to fit it in, and I’d sit there thinking you never bothered to do that for us, your wife and children, and now you can make the effort for your horse? You can have your fucking horse, but your family can’t live with this.

I would help him achieve his dream but only on the promise he is fully responsible and you will not get involved in any mucking out. Friends who have horses are up early every day to go and muck out. the reality is quite gruelling. Be clear you don’t want to do this and stick to it.

I can see this from both sides as an ex-horse owner. I used to use liveries but my dream is to one day have horses of my own at home.

Horses are a complete lifestyle 'pet'. There's no doubt about it they are a tie. They're expensive to keep, anything horse related is expensive to buy and they also love to hurt themselves or get colic in the middle of the night.

Having said all that, if you're a horsey person they're good for the soul. I can't put it in to words but I miss being around them so much, and I'm pretty sure it's a factor in my declining mental and physical health! Once you have a bond with a horse it's pretty amazing and I can totally understand why he yearns for that again.

He's saved hard, wow!

Edited for spelling.

He has saved hard but what use is the money if you don't have the time?

Presumably it's to pay someone else to look after the horses/check fences etc so that he is mostly free to ride when not working?

I understand how your dh feels but he’s going about it in the wrong way.

Horses are complicated & expensive animals. I shared a horse for a year before buying my own to see how much money and time it took. What I learned was that you need either time or money. The amount of time I had after children dramatically reduced so my horse is on livery so more money.

I’ve spend thousands and thousands on vet bills on all 4 horses I’ve had (I’ve only got 1 but had horses for 20 years now). My last vet bill was £8,000 as he had to have an operation to repair a torn ligament which meant months of box rest and gentle walking in increments of 5 minutes every week. Even death is expensive, when my horse was pts, it cost me about £1,500 in vet bills and cremation with no insurance payout after due to the circumstances.

The cost of shoeing has increased and is now £120 every 6 weeks. He may well say to you that he just won’t shoe the horse but that depends on the horse itself, most need it. Added the cost of feed, bedding and hay (which has also dramatically increased) and it soon adds up. Then there’s the cost of tack and grooming equipment as well as the cost of a groom to come in whilst you’re away.

Whilst you won’t have the cost of livery, you’ll have to have the time. Up in the morning to feed, change rugs, turn out, muck out and then at the other end of the day, do the opposite before it’s dark.

What then happens if the horse is lonely? The horse he buys may not be happy on its own, this will bring up problems such as napping and he might not even get it out the gate. Many horses don’t like being by themselves, they’re herd animals, so another will need to be bought, unlike dogs, it really is twice the work and twice the cost.

What about transport? If he wants to go cross country, how will he get there? What about an emergency visit to the vet at 2am because the horse has colic? You’ll need a trailer at best, relying on the generosity of people is all well and good but it become tiresome having the same people asking for lifts here and there and who wants to get a call in the middle of the night to then have to hitch a trailer up?

The absolute bare minimum your husband should do is get a horse to share to learn everything and then get one on loan possibly with a view to buy. If he can’t do it all (and he should be doing it rather than you!) then he can give the horse back.

He is foolish to not get back into riding before he buys. Now I have my own horse, I don’t like riding others, but beforehand, the more different horses I rode, the better. It seems to me he’s making no effort at all to see how much work it is and learn any sort of horse management before he commits which is quite irresponsible imho. In the lead up to his move, he should share a horse a couple times a week, it’s a great way to learn the skills needed. I had no idea how to tie a haynet when I started! You get a good sharing option, you can learn an awful lot.

If I was you I would ask the following before agreeing:

1. he works out the monthly costs of feed, shoes, horse insurance, bedding etc
2. he restarts riding lessons. It’ll help him get fit enough to ride regularly.
3. he shares a horse to learn some sort of management skills.
4. he gets a horse on loan before committing to buying
5. he has a think about either getting another person to bring their horse onto your land or works out double the costs on 1) in case the horse he wants won’t be on its own. This may also work well when you go away as you can have the other person look after the horse when you’re away and vice versa.

The reality of horse owning is not the romantic galloping along a beach scenario!! It’s colic, grass management shit and dirt!!

I said this on your other thread in the Tack Room, but your husband needs to hire paid help. It's not realistic to run your own yard as a novice owner whilst working full time.

He currently works long hours and I pick up 100% of everything else to do with the children and house.

In that case, it'd be a hard no, unless you have time and would enjoy the slog of horse keeping.
I've had horses most of my life, keeping them at home is hard work and a bind (and fantastic). He's never had a horse, he has no idea what is actually involves.

If your H was committed to this dream he’d have spent the past few years studying equine management. Going for a few riding lessons then thinking you’re qualified to own your own horse on your own land is absolute madness. He knows nothing of what’s actually involved in ‘his dream’.

I'd love to have a horse, it takes more than money to have one, you need to be able to commit to it 100%, hence I don’t. Doesn’t sound like he’s got time for one TBH.

That presumably is working hard there.
OP already said that he seems to think some handy local villagers might want to do it for free, or more likely he subconsciously has his DW earmarked for the task.

I am all for people living their dreams, provided it doesn’t impact on anyone else.

Here OP needs to sit him down and say that neither she nor the DCs - as I can see them being included in the rotation and OP will either have to nag or do their daily tasks- are included in any aspect of looking after this horse.

I kept my own horses on my own land. I probably spent no more than 200 a month on 3/4 of them.

Barefoot and working/ridden so much longer between proper trims. I would rasp them myself, I would use this device as well, I forget what it's called that can roll the edges, worked really well.

Mostly fed on grass, because I had access to a lot of really nice grazing, and a bit of hay in winter, which I paid low prices for as was ordering huge quantities for the farm and had storage. My old mare had hard feed due to age/breed, also used cheap beet pulp to help her maintain condition.

Off road forest hacking, empty flat field used for schooling and lunging.

Tack mostly second hand, would often ride treeless and bitless as well.

I did rug in winter (except my native ponies) but would repair them x infinity so they lasted a good long time.

I stabled occasionally so there was a bit of straw cost as and when.

A few occasional purchases like naff off and various fly sprays hoof oils shampoos and whatnot.

When my mare was PTS I had her bolted (much faster and more humane than the vet) and they come to your yard, bolt the animal and then take the body away, presumably for glue or something, for 180 pounds.

Everybody on this thread is acting like he's bringing home a panda from the zoo. And he needs to do a training course and show his commitment to the idea by borrowing somebody else's for 6 months... It's infantilising. He's saved up nearly half a million quid FFS.

And everybody here just wants to stick the boot in and force him to jump through even more hoops before he's 'allowed' to do the things he's been planning to do for 5 years. There will be things he doesn't know, sure. But even the most experienced owners encounter something they don't expect. He has Google, he can buy books on training and feed, seek advice on forums, watch videos on YouTube, he can hire a trainer if he needs. He will have regular farrier visits. He will call a vet if the horse is unwell. Those jobs exist because no owner is expected to be able to do them. Borrowing somebody else's horses may also be utterly useless as most horses need a feed, dental and farrier plan tailored exactly to the specific horses needs. There is no one size fits all. Studying equine management?! That's like saying before you have a child you need to have done a childcare apprenticeship. Utter crap lol.

If my partner told me I couldn't do something, or that I had to meet some stupid criteria before I was ''allowed', after I'd planned for 5 years and saved up I'd literally leave them over it.

Personally if he’s never owned a horse I think it would be a huge leap to go straight to a property where you can keep horses on your own land.

its slightly strange to me that he’s so committed to this that he’s saved up 400k, but hasn’t dipped his toe into horse ownership. It’s a very big commitment and a large expense, and it doesn’t sound like he has a huge amount of experience.

My advice would be to buy a horse and put it on livery - DIY livery so that is most reflective of the amount of work and responsibility that would be involved in keeping horses at home (although nowhere near as much, as at livery you don’t need to maintain the land, fences, muck heap etc).

I wouldn’t want to block his dream, but I would want to make sure he knew exactly what he was getting himself into.

Horse ownership on DIY livery is going to cost in the region of 5k a year (give or take, depending on where you are, the type of horse you have, the facilities you want etc), excluding additional costs like competing, lessons, maintaining a horsebox, vet bills and so on.

I imagine it’s considerably more costly to maintain a horse on your own land because of all the land maintenance costs.

livery also has the benefit normally that you can pay extra for services, so that if you’re on holiday or on a day out somebody else can cover care for the horse. At home you’ll need to pay for a freelance groom to cover any occasions like this which would be more expensive. You also have other people on hand who have experience and can help advise on things like first aid care or if you’re having training problems with the horse. You also normally have access to better facilities, the likes of an arena with an all weather surface and floodlights so you can ride and school the horse even when the ground is really deep and it’s dark early in the middle of winter.

It’s not unreasonable to ask him to get a horse on livery before you completely commit to a wholesale lifestyle change.

There’s also another aspect here, which is him actually buying a horse.

You’ll always get unscrupulous owners and dealers, but most responsible people (and therefore generally the ones with the nicer, well trained horses) would be pretty reticent to sell a horse to someone who has never owned before, has only ridden sporadically in the last 20 years and is planning to keep the horse at home on their own land with no support system.

Not to mention the riding - he will have no riding fitness, confidence levels wane over time and there’s a big difference between a riding school horse and one that’s been privately owned. Can he ride well enough that someone will want to sell him their horse? Or to properly assess if the horse is suitable for his needs? For that reason alone he should have a series of lessons or look for a short term share agreement just to get himself back into it before buying.