DH wants horses

[Dreamingohorses]

I would like some advice. For years my DH has been dreaming of owning a house where he can have horses of his own. He used to ride as a teenager and loved cross country but never had a horse of his own. Since I have known him (20 odd years) he has only however ridden on the odd occasion and tells me it is not the same riding someone else's horse. I have occasionally booked him a riding lesson as a gift but he never wanted to keep them up and said they were a waste of money as he didn't have his own horse and would rather save his money to fund this.

Anyway 5 years ago he announced that in the next 5 years we would be moving to somewhere with land so he could have his own horses. Over the 5 years he has worked hard and saved up enough money (around £400k in ISAs) to fund the extra this would cost and now the 5 years are up he wants to move.

However my concern is that he is seeing the whole horse idea through rose tinted specticles and I will end up being the one doing the day to day grind of sorting them out. In fact when I mentioned to him what a tie they are he said not to worry as there 'are always local people in the village happy to help out for free riding'. I said to him he should try helping out at a local stables or doing a horse share to see what it is like first but he would not even contemplate the idea.

I am wondering whether I should just let him go for it or not (he clearly needs to get it out of his system) but it could potentially be a very costly mistake as we would loose all the ISA tax advantages plus we are looking at over £100k in stamp duty.

AIBU in putting my foot down and blocking this move?

OP already said that he seems to think some handy local villagers might want to do it for free, or more likely he subconsciously has his DW earmarked for the task.

I missed that.

Oh hahaha!

We used to pay for our daughter to horse share precisely so that she wouldn't get taken advantage of by someone like Op's husband!

When I used to ride - years ago however - we sometimes would have a (pony not even a horse!) on loan. Not sure how or why - through a riding instructor prob who knew someone who needed/wanted their pony exercising & looked after while they managed another. Sometimes it was with a view to owning said pony. It would be a great way for your DH to try out his fantasy sorry new hobby & see what owning & maintaining a horse would be like. BUT I don’t know if any one would entrust their animal to a complete novice - which is really what he is if he rode as a kid & has never done so since. In fact he’s prob the last person you would entrust your animal to. The idea that there will be people locally willing to look after his horse when you go away is equally misguided. Times have changed & yes if you’re in a network of horsy people then doors get opened, but that’s brought about from years of experience & practise (at events, clubs & competing) along with a good degree of sound judgement. I think you’re right to be concerned.

Do you have dogs or any other animals & how does the upkeep towards them work out currently? I think he need to demonstrate a level of experience & knowledge of riding through individual lessons & use of a horse simulator before any purchasing of land or animals starts. He could even help out at stables/livery & get used to handling horses. They’re very different to the little ponies he may have grown up with. And he’s a real candidate for getting ripped off & sold a horse with all kind of problems or health issues which will be costly & stressful to manage.

Ok so he has 400k saved up, that is a huge amount. For that, he could buy something very nice and keep it at an equally fancy livery yard. Keep the horse on full livery and just enjoy the fun bits.

the fact that he’s never had a horse of his own speaks volumes about his plan! He’s obviously not been through the long, dark winters of horse ownership. It’s not fun! Not to mention the overall time and commitment (and cost) to keep them going. I haven’t had a horse in 10 yrs since my son was born (having had them all my life) and thank fuck for that! It’s too expensive and too time consuming.

I don’t think he quite realises how much work is involved in keeping horses at home. Great if you happen to be a horsemad teenager with wealthy parents or an adult with plenty of money and no family commitments. If he was an experienced horse owner who has been around the block and fully understands what is involved then it wouldn’t be such a bad idea, but your husband is a novice who has no idea what he’s about to get himself into! He also works long hours so how the hell is he going to provide adequate care? You can’t just chuck them out in a field and hope for the best. I’m also laughing at his suggestion that there are plenty of people willing to help out for a ride….hahah!! Good luck with that…..

His days will consist of: mucking out x 2 + horses. Poo picking, field/arena maintenance, all aspects of horse husbandry (exhaustive list!) oh and riding if he has any spare time! All whilst working and presumably being an involved parent.

he's trying to run before he can walk and has an idealistic view of what this is going to be like. He needs to do this in stages. Step one, buy a suitable horse and ideally he needs to take advice from somebody experienced otherwise he’ll likely end up over horsed. Step two, find a professional livery yard with good facilities and experienced staff. Step three, have horse on part livery so he can have a bit of help but also learn how much time and commitment he needs to put in. Step four, if all the above goes well, stay on the livery yard for two years and then look to buy somewhere if he’s still up for it.

my guess is that once he realises how much is involved he will reconsider and stay on a nice livery yard! I think you’re on the way to making a very expensive mistake if he goes through with this!

This is one occasion where showing your husband this thread would be a good idea. Great advice, pro's and con's and quite a balanced range of views.

Exactly. He sounds really selfish and naive.

OP, do you actually love this man?

Id he inclined to let him go off alone with his horsey adventure. He sounds like an immature and one dimensional buffoon. It’s not wrong to have a dream but it’s not a partnership when it’s all about his dreams and you’re just playing a side character waiting on his every whim.

Fair bit of negativity towards you on here OP. Your concerns are VV valid. He sounds a bit silly but I'd let him crack on with the caveat that it's his responsibility to look after them. Does he want more than one horse?

I have no direct experience op , but my husband was brought up around horses. His parents always had a pony or two.

He had no interest in the animals but he's said many times that it was impossible to not get involved in their care as there was always so much to do. And he would look after them while his parents went away or had appointments. He has also said that he felt like life revolved around the animals when he was a kid as it was his dad's passion.

This aside , it sounds like your husband doesn't prioritise you and that your relationship isn't very happy. Something to consider before moving to this new property with him.

I used to have horses and it was great but I look back to see what a struggle it was for my Mum.
Having horses is a lifestyle and while it has its up it sure as hell has its downs as well and although I love horses and so does DD I would never have them again.

Yeah but what happens when the inevitable excuses start coming, ‘oh I’ve got to leave early to get to my big important job, can you sort the horses today’
‘oh sorry I’m going to be late home tonight (in the middle of winter) when it’s dark and pissing with rain, can you bring the horses in and sort them out’
‘oh sorry we can’t go on holiday this year because I can’t find anyone to look after the horses. But you can go away with the kids on your own!’

OP I don’t know if you’re horsey but if not then frankly it would be dangerous for you (and them) to be left in charge of looking after them. so many things can go wrong.

I wouldn’t like being “told” what we are doing. It’s a big decision and not his alone. It’s not exactly teamwork.

Has he laid out in clear plans what a typical day of horse ownership would look like?

I would suggest...if he can commit now to spending an hour outdoors early in a morning and after work (e.g. by just going for a walk for now) and can commit to that pattern for a month then can consider horses. Saying that, I don't know how much time in a day horse ownership takes up. But he needs to be able to prove he can fit in this around his current life and commitments.

Let him at it. There is no need for you to involve yourself.
Maybe you'll find you are allergic?

You will be burning money, you’ll end up with at least two if you keep them at home. The older you get and your back hurts poo picking in the rain is not fun. He needs to research the cost of shoeing, annual vaccinations, hay, rebuilding your fencing when the horse has broken it, the cost of a saddle, bridle , grooming kit. It just goes on and on!

This with bells on! 👆

Actually, re-reading your OP, I find it telling that your husband has the determination to save 400k for his dream but can't be arsed to go for regular lessons. If he wanted to bond with his own horse that desperately, he could have bought one long before now and kept it at livery. I started to learn to ride at 18 and had a weekly lesson, went on riding holidays and volunteered. You couldn't keep me away from horses. Is your DH's fantasy more about himself and the way he is seen rather than about a horse? Because if so, he is in for a land. The reality is not going to match up to the fantasy and his horse (s) will end up sold. It's not really fair to do that to an animal.

I have two elderly ponies here, and have kept various combinations of ridden & non-ridden ponies over the years. There are good and bad points about keeping horses at home.
It's really hard work, but it does keep you fairly fit.
Horses break things so upkeep of the land/fencing can cost a lot, but it's still cheaper than livery.
You can set your own rules, but there isn't always someone to ask for advice.

Before he gets into this for real I would ask him if he has really costed it out. Will he buy land with stables? Or will he want to build his own? Has he looked at the price of this lately? Also the cost of vet fees, farrier, insurance, feed, bedding, running a horsebox/trailer, the back lady, the horse dentist, the cost of veterinary drugs, the saddle fitter...I could go on, it's endless! Also has he looked at the horse market lately? Prices have really gone up, gone are the days when you could pick up a decent bargain. I don't think I'll be having any more after the two I've got are gone, purely because of the increased costs.

I can understand why he feels this way, once horses get into your blood it's hard to shake off that longing, and if you get the right horse, it can do wonders for your mental health. But practicality has to come into it, and it is an extremely expensive hobby. Not fair on you, your husband, or the horse, if you find that you can't afford to do it, six months down the line.

People keep raising the money issue here. And while horses are expensive, I don’t think it is going to be an issue for someone who has managed to save £400k in 5 years.

First post in and the MN overuse of the word controlling has appeared.

The OP isn't being controlling for goodness sake. She is being cautious.

I have several horse owners as friends, and know just how much of a tie owning a horse is if you don't have it in livery where someone else can help out. Although I agree about livery politics. It can get quite bitchy and people move liveries quite often as a result.

The owner has to visit the horse twice a day to feed, clean and exercise it. If you can't or won't do this every. single. day 365 days a year then you shouldn't own a horse, and you can never go on holiday either.

I think the best thing is to have a horse on loan before he buys one. Loaning horses happens a lot round here.

@Dreamingohorses you need to be very clear with your husband that if he gets a horse he looks after it. You will have nothing to do with it.

He should spend that money on a lovely horse and keep it on a luxury yard. I grew up with horses on our own land, stables, school, the whole shebang. It was great as a kid but the amount of maintenance it took in time and money for my parents/hired help was insane. Even if I was a millionaire I would keep a horse at livery over being at home. He can go to his luxurious stables, have a lovely time with his horse then come home to his nice house where everything doesn't stink of horse shit and the fences remain intact.
£400k is a lot of months of full livery!

As a horse owner over 35 years this really isn't my experience what it's like. It's 365 days a year.

It's getting the vet out on Xmas day and sitting with your horse to make sure its OK and missing Xmas dinner.

It's mucking out at 6 am before work and having to have a shower before going into work because you stink of horse piss.

It's trudging through the field to bring them in while is raining and blowing a hooley after a hard days work and getting soaked through.

It's sorting out the farrier because they have an abscess.

It's not going on holiday because . . . you have a horse.

it's not riding because the paddock has to be sprayed, or topped.

It really is a way of life not a hobby.

You make it sound miserable. My experience with my horses was a joyful one, and not at all the same.

Perhaps it's not for you? I wouldn't continue something if I found it as unrelaxing as you describe.

Also the 365 days a year thing us simply not true. Plenty of horse owners go on holiday, they just arrange appropriate care for the animals first.

Of course there's joy, but the reality of having your own yard, is it takes work. It isn't throwing the horse out and checking it once a day as the person I quoted said it is. They were minimising the graft of not just looking after the horses but of maintenance of the paddocks, stables, hedges etc.

Yes you can get someone in to do your horses whilst you're away - it adds another level of cost to your holiday.

If you also compete, it can be all consuming.

I've had horses for nearly 4 decades so please don't patronise me.

The red flags started when he refused riding lessons saying 'its not the same if your not riding your own horse'. Says the man who's never owned a horse!

It's a full time commitment and if you don't spend hours on it a day you'll need to employ someone to muck out, feed the horse, exercise it. Then there's farriers, vets, medicine, tack, insurance and just the physical presence of a horse and it's needs.

My cousin has one and it's kept in a field but the upkeep is over £1000 a month. And she's a vet, so that's minus a lot of that side of things cost wise.

Another friend of mine dragooned her poor mum to buy her one about 25 years ago and remortgaged the house. The horse is now elderly and lame and unusable but still costs them fortunes in livery and upkeep. While the woman and her mum struggle to pay their bills.

You're definitely not wrong he seems to be vastly underestimating the level of responsibility. Cost, time, emotionally.

At the very least he should at least start getting confident riding other people's horses or maybe a share/loan of one. Make friends with horsey people who can give him advice.

My experience with our lovely pony has been one of great great joy, the feeling when it’s all going well is… indescribable really. There were multiple times at a competition when we were cantering along, as a team, and my heart could have burst with pride at our teamwork. If I could have bottled the feeling and sold it I’d be a millionaire.

For me, those (comparatively short!) moment made it worth the hard work, often drudgery in winter, soaked to the skin, chilblains etc etc. It’s not even the winters and never ending work that was (really) an issue.

It was the absolute depths of despair when things go wrong - which being horses they do regularly. Field injury with 6 months boxrest, meaning the costs went up, needed attending to 3 times a day every day (huge impact on the rest of the family), months and months of inhand walking. My whole life revolved around it. We got 4.5 months in to the program and he redid it. The toll it took on my mental health was awful, and of course that spilled over into other areas of my life. He did come right in the end.

But the thought of all of that falling on a novice (which I’m afraid he is), with no experienced horsey support, either practically or emotionally, when you’re alone on your own yard with a wife who (understandably!) doesn’t want to be involved and holding down a high powered job… Yes yes, he could be lucky and never have a days problem… but he might not, and if he’s unlucky then the reality is going to hit like a ton of bricks.

If this is a lifelong dream, I get it. Once it’s under your skin, that’s it. But there are more responsible ways of making that dream happen, with a view to the end game of having a horse at home once you’re knowledgeable enough.

Take lessons now

Get a share horse so you gain more hands on experience both ridden and care, and live with the reality of the commitment 3 days a week.

Buy a safe, sensible school master and keep it on full livery for a while, moving to DIY in a year. At that point you might find that he’s happy as he is- he gets his own horse to enjoy but company and support when needed. He can then think about moving horses home if he still wants to.

@BobbyBiscuits or perhaps the op should get him a gerbil to check that he can look after a small , cheap , low maintenance pet solo before he even considers a larger animal like a horse.

Imo he'd struggle with the rodent without help.