DH wants horses

[Dreamingohorses]

I would like some advice. For years my DH has been dreaming of owning a house where he can have horses of his own. He used to ride as a teenager and loved cross country but never had a horse of his own. Since I have known him (20 odd years) he has only however ridden on the odd occasion and tells me it is not the same riding someone else's horse. I have occasionally booked him a riding lesson as a gift but he never wanted to keep them up and said they were a waste of money as he didn't have his own horse and would rather save his money to fund this.

Anyway 5 years ago he announced that in the next 5 years we would be moving to somewhere with land so he could have his own horses. Over the 5 years he has worked hard and saved up enough money (around £400k in ISAs) to fund the extra this would cost and now the 5 years are up he wants to move.

However my concern is that he is seeing the whole horse idea through rose tinted specticles and I will end up being the one doing the day to day grind of sorting them out. In fact when I mentioned to him what a tie they are he said not to worry as there 'are always local people in the village happy to help out for free riding'. I said to him he should try helping out at a local stables or doing a horse share to see what it is like first but he would not even contemplate the idea.

I am wondering whether I should just let him go for it or not (he clearly needs to get it out of his system) but it could potentially be a very costly mistake as we would loose all the ISA tax advantages plus we are looking at over £100k in stamp duty.

AIBU in putting my foot down and blocking this move?

I’m laughing at the “just pop up and check them twice a day” comment. If only! I’d love to do that. We have 15 acres of land for three horses. They get regularly rotated and the fields are looked after, but horses still need lots of other work. I’m constantly juggling fly bites, midges, too rich pasture, too little grass this year, sunburn, you name it. Just when you think you’ve covered everything they find another way to get sick or injure themselves! As for costs, I try not to add it up, but suffice to say we could probably have a couple of Caribbean holidays a year if we didn’t have them. I love horses, I worked with horses and am a qualified instructor, but our current horse will be our last. I’m fed up of the work and cost.

However I do agree that horses are in your blood and riding other people’s horses isn’t the same. However he needs to either do that or have his own horse on livery before he blows your entire savings on a dream.

Do you want to live in the middle of nowhere? Would be an absolute no for me, but if you’re otherwise up for it…

Surely if you were just talking about a house move nobody would agree he was reasonable for announcing it was happening without consultation and that seems to be one part of this. Do you actually want to move? Does that work for you and the kids? And then I agree it seems that he hasn't really thought through looking after the horse(s) - if I didn't mind moving I would support him (you can always rent the land) but make it clear that I would not be regularly doing anything related to looking after the horse. It's loads of work - used to have horses - maybe try to get enough space that you could have two horses, one which is his and rent space to someone else for their horse and then you could find someone who would at least be able to help out in an emergency and for holidays or who would do the morning in exchange for free stable and field

Yes, exactly.

Do you want to move house, OP?

And have you made it crystal clear that you will not be adding mucking out, poo-picking and turnout to your daily chores? Thst, should his conveniently paternalistic fantasies of ‘local people in the village’ being happy to trade livery duties for riding not turn out, he will have to pay for someone to feed, groom, exercise, turn out, muck out, fence-check etc his horses?

Kept riding and bought one? What is he trying to do if not exactly this?!

There's plenty of reason why he hasn't had one up until now, finances, time constraints etc. In fact the sensible thing to do is to get the correct set up, housing and finances in place for any animal before you buy it. He is doing exactly that.

I also hate livery yards, but that's besides the point. The fact is if time is such a big issue he would be far better off having the horse at home. He can pop out in the morning and the evening, easy. If it was at a yard somewhere he would potentially have to drive 30 mins there 30mins back so to visit twice a day could be two hours just driving around.

Half of the enjoyment of horses is being able to have a cup of coffee in the morning and watch them grazing, interacting with eachother, just enjoy life. I loved nothing more then looking out of the window and seeing them in the field.

You can also prepare their feed the night before and just pop it over the fence in the morning if you know you're going to be really busy. If they are kept in, you can turn them out first thing and muck out the stable later when you get home.

I think everybody is making a mountain out of a mole hill, he wants a couple of horses, he's saved and planned for five years. It's not a whim. He deserves to have the things he wants.

I am really surprised by the responses on here saying "why would you stop him living his dream".

OP has said:
He currently works long hours and I pick up 100% of everything else to do with the children and house.
and
My concern is that he is seeing the whole horse idea through rose tinted spectacles and I will end up being the one doing the day to day grind of sorting them out.

It seems a crazy idea for someone who has never kept a horse and doesn't have much free time / isn't hands on at home.

There is surely a massive risk that OP will be left looking after multiple horses while doing everything else to do with the house and kids. "I'm stuck at work, can you go and sort the horses tonight." "Oh I never thought about who will look after the horses when we are away."

I think it would need to be really clear that OP's DH is responsible for sorting everything to do with the horses and OP won't be involved at all.

Assuming he had plenty of space, he could offer free stable and grazing in change for chores. Lots of people, particularly in cost of living crisis, would be more than happy to turn out his horse with theirs in the morning and poo pick in exchange for free livery.

It would also mean his horse had a companion without him needing to buy two.

When I bought, my DH told me he would never have anything to do with the horse and he kept his word, bar mucking out once when I had a horrible accident (mates pitched in and looked after the horse while I was out of action) and hauling bales of shavings. You need to tell your Dh you will have nothing to do with the horse and stick to it. When will he have family time? Who will care for the horse when you’re on holiday? Will the dc want ponies?!

Has he added up costs-purchase price, tack, farrier, feed, bedding, lessons, competitions if he wants to compete which means relevant transport (!!), vet, insurance, hat, riding gear, possibly building stables or a field shelter. Will he be happy to be up all night if the horse colicks? Keep it in if it gets an abscess? Get the emergency vet and miss work?

You will need several acres and possibly a ‘trash’ field for winter: you obviously shouldn’t keep a horse alone. I know several people with shetlands as companions, think they’re mad!

As long as his is happy left alone if the other owner goes out!

My initial response was “DO IT! Buy ponies!!” 😀

Love horses and had them when I was a teenager. Would love to have them again BUT…

What’s he planning on doing with these horses?
Is he going to be riding them and getting lessons (££), doing competitions (££), getting all the kit to do competitions (£££)?
Will he be getting a horse box or a trailer for his ponies?
Are you moving house to accommodate his new hobby? If he wants his ponies near to the house, the number of suitable houses reduces hugely. If you are moving, how much input are you going to get in your new house? If he sees somewhere with the perfect stable block, ideal fields etc but it’s too far away from DC’s school, the commute doubles or it’s only got 2 bedrooms what then?
Why on EARTH would you be doing the horses?! His dream that he’s had for 20 years that he’s saved for. They will be HIS horses, not family/communal pets. He shouldn’t be relying on anyone to take care of his ponies.
He is massively unreasonable to think there will be friendly yokels to look after his ponies for a free trot! Think that stopped around 19 years ago. Folk are fast too clued up these days. 20 years ago there weren’t really any dog walkers, now they’re everywhere.

A PP gave a very sensible list of questions for him like how much time he’ll be spending with the family. Will you all be able to share his ponies if you like it or will you be made to enjoy it even though you hate it? Yes you’ve got to follow your dreams, but when you’ve got a family you’ve surely got to consider how much your dreams impact on them? What happens if he does all this then decides it’s a bit rubbish and not how he remembered? You’ll be ££££££ down so he could follow his dream. This is how the Relationships Threads things start with ‘D’Hs who spend all their free time playing golf/cycling/football…

Ex horse person here, your original post sounds like he doesn't actively ride but wants his own horse to do it again. Can he lease a horse for 6 months to let him see how it fits for his life, and it he really loves it you can look to plan the horse farm. Theres usually a good number of people who need a share situation due to work, pregnancy etc so leases aren't too hard to find to give it a test run.

Totally agree with @Anotherparkingthread and all her comments.

Partly because this is even less like having children in that if it doesn’t work out the horse(s) can always be sold again…..

On top of the other costs, if he hasn't ridden much for 20 years he will probably need a few lessons to get back in the swing. It's easy to develop bad habits.

Has he got the income for the upkeep of the horses? It’s very expensive so I’ve heard.

Like your DH I rode as a teen and then waited and saved till I was 50 to get my own. Budgeted for full livery to allow for work kids and life as well
its been sheer joy and I always worked on the basis I could get out of horses again if it didn’t work out
but if you don’t want to move that’s a separate issue and maybe you need to have a discussion about how to meet everyone’s needs whilst still having a horse

When my dad visits on xmas day he always has to leave relatively early to feed and check on horses - there are times of the year like Christmas that it is harder to get someone to check in on them and you can’t exactly bring them with you. Summer etc he can get a friend to do it and he does it for them. Also has he ever mucked out a stable and wheeled that barrow of heavy poo to the compost heap - I get a strong reaction to the urine so used to really hate that part!

When I was a kid I did a pony summer camp most years where you learned basics like how to clean feet, wash and brush a horse, put on and off saddle and bridal, muck out etc… it would be worth him learning this stuff before getting one! It is different owning than renting but it is also a lot more work. I do really think he should learn the basics and spend some time doing the work before making large financial decisions. I would suggest getting a horse before you move and pay for boarding in a nearby stables in the meantime, it is expensive but not as expensive as a house move. If he manages to look after his horse as it’s been boarded then you will move and buy land. Make sure you board it somewhere where he is expected to do the mucking out and feeding every day so he gets a proper taste of what it entails. You could also explore if a farmer nearby would rent you a field for a few months or a year to trial it - my dads ex girlfriend used to rent her horses land as she couldn’t afford to buy outright.

Disclaimer - I know nothing about horses.
DH insisted on getting a dog. Droned on about it for years, I agreed on the condition that I was not required to be the carer and he would sort out walking, holiday cover, food etc, etc. and - here’s the important bit - I did not jump in to sort out any gaps. I would tell him to go ahead knock himself out, but you are already at capacity looking after DC and have no interest in getting a horse, therefore it’s all on him. Put it in writing - wr all signed family contracts.
Tell him you will phone RSPCA if you feel the horse is neglected, but he must never, ever expect you to do anything related to it. If you choose to, that’s different, but be very wary of going down that path.

It’s not really a case of turning them out and forgetting about them. Native breeds living wild perhaps, but if he wants a horse suitable for doing X country with a beginner, it’ll need regular riding, checking twice a day, rugs on/off, possibly feeding, hay in winter, mucking out stables, poo picking field, farrier costs, insurance, public liability insurance…
it’s not the same as getting a fish that you can just leave for a few days at a time…

Unless he's going to drastically change his long hours job he's being totally unrealistic.

I would be very suspicious that his attitude will be I want what I want and the practicalities will just have to be worked out by others when I'm busy doing my big important job. His comment about there always being people happy to help out in return for a free ride is particularly resonant.

I'd also be concerned about his commitment given that he's not sufficiently interested in horses to have one on livery now or even to have ridden much at all for years on end.

It seems unfair that posters are calling OP controlling when the husband is trying to control where the family lives and won't explain how he intends to properly care for the living creature he insists he wants.

My dad was similar but luckily only dogs and cats, nothing as onerous as horses! Guess who did all the dog walking, vet visits, insurance, grooming, feeding ... yes that was my mum. So I am very wary of this sort of vibe.

Clearly OP you need to make it clear to him that the horse is 100% his responsibility. He also needs to ensure family time is not sacrificed. Surely as the children get older he can involve them in this - if they are interested. I wouldn't stop him, but I also wouldn't step in if he doesn't look after the horse properly. I'd simply insist at that point that he sells the horse. If you even try to help out early on it'll become your responsibility so make sure you keep your distance from all things horse related!

If he wants a horse then he'd be best off looking at livery yards. Having one on your own land sounds all very lovely but they are herd animals and aren't happy being kept on their own. So you need a companion (who hopefully will be OK being left on their own when he takes the other for a ride) for starters. You can keep them out all the time but horses aren't easy on the land (they are quite selective grazers) and if your soil is clay then it can turn into a mud bath quite quickly in the winter, plus you are unlikely to have enough grass that they won't need extra hay in the field. You need to poo pick the land each day (unless you have enough acres that you can rotate and harrow). If you stable for part of the day (in during the night at winter and in during the day in summer) then obviously that's two lots of stables to muck out.

If he keeps it on his own land then there is nobody to ride with, nor will he have access to a school to ride/have lessons in. A livery yard will have someone else doing the pasture maintenance (harrowing, topping, rotation), disposing of the muck heap, have other horses around as companions and will (hopefully) have at least a few experienced and knowledgable people around to help or advise if he has any issues.

Please don't take this the wrong way but horses are only second to sheep for developing ailments and so an inexperienced owner taking a horse onto their own land to keep without much knowledge can be a recipe for disaster. Plus non riding school horses are really pretty different beasties from riding school ones so he may find himself out of his depth reasonably quickly.

Personally I would look into livery yards. Find one he likes, that has a good school and lots of good riding nearby (Bing maps has an ordinance survey section), and then visit it to see if he likes the owner/yard manager. Do they have a farrier who visits regularly that he could slot his horse into? Do they have any instructors who come out that he could have lessons with?

By all means look for houses with land if that's what he really wants and wants to move his horse/s there at some stage in the future but for now I'd be looking for that in an area with a few nice yards and good riding.

Good advice.

Also work out actual costs of owning a horse.

Thanks all, it has given me a lot of think about.

I think there are 2 main issues for me
A) the fact that he is unwilling to try the livery option first so is totally unprepared for horse ownership
B) the fact that he will need to maintain relatively long hours/high pay to afford the horses upkeep (yes he has saved a lot but that will be used for the property/land). I am not in a position to become the higher wage earner (without years of investment in my career which he is not willing to support) so will inevitably be the one left at home to deal with everything.

Essentially though it does put both of us in a stuck position as if we did split up he would not be able to afford the horses after assets are split.

I think trying to convince him to try livery would be the best option but I suspect he will refuse and just become resentful.

@Dreamingohorses
I think trying to convince him to try livery would be the best option but I suspect he will refuse and just become resentful.

Then he's not thinking of the horse/s but of his own little daydream and that's not what owning horses is like. This is an animal that needs quite specific care. Can he spot it getting a touch of laminitis before it's at the stage it's hobbling around? Can he spot colic? Does he know they need an equine dentist at least annually. Can he see that the horse has changed shape and the saddle no longer fits. Can he spot a hind leg lameness? Or rainscald? Or mud fever? You don't have to be an expert to own a horse (we all started off clueless! :) ) but if you are a novice then you do need to be in the vicinity of someone who is or it's just not fair on the horse.

I don't really understand why he doesn't enjoy doing riding locally without all the hassle of ownership.
I agree riding a school horse or someone else is a totally different experience to having your own horse. You are being told what to do, where you can ride. Horse riding is about being out in the countryside going for an explore...Looking after them is also part of the experience and can be rewarding.

Horse can be low maintenance or very high, really depends on the horse you get. BUT they must live in a herd. Keeping one by itself is cruel.

What is he wanting to do? Just go out hacking and some light school work (easy low maintenance horse) or full on competition (bit more commitment).

I would say you are supportive but encourage him to go to a livery yard to discuss and get costs and see what they say.