DH made a show of himself at his dad’s wake

[Colpered]

Bit of a rant tbh. DH’s dad died last week. They were never close — he always said his older brother was the golden boy, favourite child, could do no wrong etc. Been a sore point for years but he usually keeps it to himself.

Anyway, the wake was yesterday and DH got absolutely off his face. Started telling anyone who’d stand still long enough that his dad never loved him, that his brother got everything growing up and he got nothing. Got louder and louder, ended up having a go at his brother — full on threatening him in front of everyone. Was properly heated, had to be pulled away.

Whole thing was just awful. His mum was trying not to cry, people were whispering, I wanted the ground to swallow me.

He’s in bed now feeling sorry for himself. I don’t even know what to say to him. I get that he’s upset, but it felt like he made it all about him — turned a wake into some drama about childhood trauma.

AIBU to be livid? I feel sorry for him in some ways but Jesus Christ, it was a funeral. Not the time. I don’t even want to show my face around his family now.

How awful for him to feel that way.

Yabu.
He's lost his dad with whom he had a difficult relationship, I think it's pretty understandable that he'd fall apart at some point. Shame he did it then, but not unusual I'm sure. I don't think you being livid helps anything.

Bereavements of close family members bring out a whole bunch of unresolved trauma and emotions. People act in all sorts of strange ways when they lose people, especially if the relationship had some major sticking points as it sounds. I think unless you've lost your own parents you have no idea how it feels and are perhaps completely unprepared for how it can hit someone.
The alcohol wasn't a great idea but it could have been much worse and the fact you're focusing on your DH being an embarrassment instead of on supporting him through this difficult time suggests you've got deeper issues here.

It's often harder for people who have poor relationships with their parents when they die, because it's the loss of any hope that they will ever feel cared for or valued by their parents.

No, it's not ideal that the wake got disrupted, but grief brings out strange things and it's not the first or last funeral to be disrupted in that kind of way.

Your DH is struggling. Try to have some compassion, and encourage him to see a therapist.

I'm sorry you're embarrassed your husband had an emotional breakdown following the death of his father who treated him horribly his whole life

YABU. He needs empathy and support.

People who have lovely parents will never fully understand the deep and awful feelings suffered by those who had awful ones.

Please try and support him, he's going through a terrible time

YABU. His relationship with his father wasn't good and he's not a saint just because he died. I hope it helps your DH to get it out in the open.

no you dont need to be livid
he will feel worse

It’s not really about you and your feelings at the moment. As harsh as that might feel, because it’s understandable that it wasn’t pleasant for you or anyone else to deal with, it’s part of his grieving process. Let it go and be kind to him, he might need to talk about it more before he can move on, and he might need you to help him with that.

This isnt about his behaviour it’s about you being embarrassed. Which I get but now isn’t the time to focus on you really. He’s so hurt and hes probably held it in for a long time.

“some trauma” what does that mean?

I agree with this. It is much harder to have a parent die when you have unresolved issues with them. The grief that hits you when a parent dies is like no other - my sisters and I are very close and yet, within half an hour if my mum’s death, while sitting with her, we all had a big row over something stupid! There is no rational way to grieve.

Try to support your DH today and just be a judgement free space for him. My sympathies for you both at this time.

Poor man. Lost his father and unresolved childhood trauma that now can't be resolved, and his wife is.... embarrassed? Livid?
If you love him then support him, listen to him, be there for him.

I feel for him. I said some weird and inappropriate things at my mum’s wake and we had a good relationship. Grief does funny things and he’s not himself. Mixed with presumably alcohol, and a room full of people saying lovely things about his dad, its not surprising he had a wobble tbh.

I’d feel bad for his mum, but similarly she must have known what he was like. Give him some slack.

Your take away from this is that your DH shouldn’t have embarrassed you himself at the wake?

Who needs enemies when he’s got you in his corner?! He’s already had one person he was (supposed to be) able to rely on let him down in life; why on earth would you want to be another?

I understand you feel embarrassed, no one wants a scene at a wake. However in this situation your husband needs your support and understanding, losing a parent brings up all sorts of emotions. He's angry and he has to come to terms that his relationship with his dad can never be changed now. As upset as you are, now isn't a time to show it. I'm sorry for your loss.

Grief can bring all of this to the surface.

you say he made it all about him - his grief and the emotions he's feeling are all very much about him, and are obviously genuine.

This.

Dying doesn’t absolve all sins. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to stand around family speaking about someone as if they were the best when they treated you badly, add alcohol into the mix and honestly I think this is a pretty predictable outcome.

Was it the perfect time, no, but when is it ever? I wouldn’t blame my husband at all, my own husband has a very difficult relationship with PIL and I could well imagine him feeling like this at their funerals one day, I wouldn’t be angry at him whatsoever.

I read that and just wanted to give him a hug. Tell him he’s enough. He’s going to feel bad enough as it is without you judging him. Just love and support him through this difficult time

Died last week , funeral this week . Where do you live ?

I don't think anyone is being unreasonable, except maybe his dad (while he was alive) because he obviously didn't treat him kindly. Grief is hard enough but when you had a complicated relationship with the deceased it can be a lot harder to navigate- I know firsthand. Try to be gentle with your husband. I'm sure he's not proud of his behaviour.

Well, his behaviour wasn’t ideal, but at least he was honest 🤷‍♀️

Why should family and friends of the deceased think that he’s a great man and father if he wasn’t?

Too many people have sat through funeral services of utter evil twats who have been lauded as saints, and there’s no need for it really is there?

We should be able to say “Derek died, he was a great father to DC1, but sadly bullied DC2 for most of his life, therefore his death will be difficult for both DC in different ways.” If that’s the truth.

If people want to be thought of as great parents when they’re dead, they should be great parents when they’re alive.

AIBU to be livid? I feel sorry for him in some ways but Jesus Christ, it was a funeral. Not the time. I don’t even want to show my face around his family now

I'm taking it that you haven't experienced much loss in your life because if you had you'd realise that the death of someone as important as his parent is a traumatic experience that signals the end of the line in terms of being able to reconcile, improve or get closer to. So final, especially as in his childhood mind he may have harboured hope of better times even if he denies it and won't acknowledge it.

Forget the funeral, that's nowhere near as important as your DHs well being. Be there for him, set aside your judgement and find out what he needs in terms of support. Let him cry, scream, go silent. He's the centre of this trauma so he gets to call the shots not you.

Agree with everyone else.
No doubt on top of it all he'll also be feeling a lot of emotion following his outburst yesterday, including hurt that no one defended or supported him and that he will be seem by all as the bad guy.

He didn't handle it well but who says he should have to? The sort of parental emotional neglect he experienced is incredibly damaging and does lifelong harm.
He's very vulnerable right now.

Leave him be. It's something he can work out with his DB. Many a confrontation has occurred at sad family events.