DH made a show of himself at his dad’s wake

[Colpered]

Bit of a rant tbh. DH’s dad died last week. They were never close — he always said his older brother was the golden boy, favourite child, could do no wrong etc. Been a sore point for years but he usually keeps it to himself.

Anyway, the wake was yesterday and DH got absolutely off his face. Started telling anyone who’d stand still long enough that his dad never loved him, that his brother got everything growing up and he got nothing. Got louder and louder, ended up having a go at his brother — full on threatening him in front of everyone. Was properly heated, had to be pulled away.

Whole thing was just awful. His mum was trying not to cry, people were whispering, I wanted the ground to swallow me.

He’s in bed now feeling sorry for himself. I don’t even know what to say to him. I get that he’s upset, but it felt like he made it all about him — turned a wake into some drama about childhood trauma.

AIBU to be livid? I feel sorry for him in some ways but Jesus Christ, it was a funeral. Not the time. I don’t even want to show my face around his family now.

Hi OP,

I hope you’re ok- I’ve read all your replies and in that context I think you’re getting a hard time.

Unless your DH was abused or there was massive favouritism which MIL was just oblivious to, I don’t think you’re being unreasonable.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. But I would think very carefully about this - a shouty, angry man with clearly unresolved issues who often shouts at you will NOT make a good father to a baby or a be supportive DH to you when you’re at your most vulnerable. Think long and hard. What if he revisits a lot of this behaviour and trauma on your child?

Do you have family you can go and stay with for a while to get some space?

Your dh needs professional counselling. He isn’t going to be able to do this alone. Yes it’s presenting as anger; but what has actually happened is he is deeply hurt, and in pain. He needs to heal from his childhood or he will bring all of this damage into your family unit, and project it potentially on to your joint children. Things can
improve with the right help.

If the brother's wife had posted on here about her brother in law threatening violence to her husband in front of her and her kids at her father in law's funeral, this would be a very different thread.

The suggestion that the police should be called would be constant through the thread...

It's appalling how easily people are overlooking the fact he threatened physical violence, to the point of being pulled away, and did it in front of children.

So sad he was treated that badly by his family, he will need therapy to get through it.
not shocked it came to a head, the other family members will know why rarely do others not know when parents have favourites.

So he was the black sheep, his family are in denial and his wife also seems to follow suit. I feel sorry for him. Sounds like he needs a lot of therapy and to stay away from his toxic family.

Sounds like Ireland. If you died on a Sunday you would be in the ground Tuesday or Wednesday at the latest. It's how they do it here.

I'm sure that he had an inkling that his emotions might get the better of him. He went there and got pissed increasing the chances of a row.

Whilst I feel sorry that he was hurt by his family dynamics, he isn't the type of man that I'd want my daughter to be involved with, there was children present, I have been to many wakes, if there is an undercurrent of tension, alcohol is the worst in the situation.

Imo he subconsciously knew this would be the outcome. He was NC with his DF, he should not have attended the funeral.

Sometimes the black sheep is treated differently as they're sensitive and emotional. I was the black sheep, it was me that was overly sensitive to things that my siblings could laugh at. I had mh issues and body issues, controlling the family dynamic.

I'm on your side, If he disliked him so much why go to his funeral. The poor widow had to put up this outburst. Drunks are such a pain. In the end I refused to go to social occasions with my ex if drink was involved because of embarrassment. Why shouldn't you feel embarrassed.

YABU. He's grieving. Not just the loss of his Dad, but the absence of never having HAD a proper Dad, by the sound of it. Funerals are super-heated.

He didn't 'make a show of himself'. He let out years of bottled up emotion. You should be more supportive. Your embarrassment says more about you, than his emotions do about him.

It wasn't the time or place I agree but families with golden child/scapegoat child dynamics are never healthy. I think what you witnessed was the expression of the angst your husband has been carrying around for decades. Your husband needs empathy and support rather than condemnation.

You don't think threatening violence in front of two young children is making a show of yourself or embarrassing? Really?

OP said she’s from the UK and her DH is from an Indian family.
Wakes are before the funeral in Ireland anyway, not after, so it didn’t really sound like it could be there.

yeah cos there is nothing toxic about a man who shouts at his wife and is intimidating ( but obviously only behind closed doors) and then terrifies 2 innocent children at the funeral of their grandfather by trying to.attack their father in front of them.
The poor lamb must be excused it all and his wife is a hard faced cow because she has seen a side of her husband she doesn't like!
Honestly this thread is nuts !

Maybe try being a bit more understanding he’s obviously got some trauma which now his dad is gone- can’t be resolved he needs support not judgement

I'll tell you what. This thread has given me a new understanding of why women excuse and stay with verbally abusive and threatening men.

It is apparently a normal reaction to any bad childhood experience (including your brother being favoured to you) to get off your face drunk, upset your widowed mother, threaten violence right in front of small children, and need to be pulled off your brother - in front of the same children and get slung out.

The response to that should be support, understanding, empathy and ... a hug.

Couldn't agree more.
Women are surprised when they end up with low life, when often the signs were clearly there.

His poor mother and brother having a painful time made worse by the unfortunate OP's uncouth husband making a holy show of himself, his family and his fathers memory....a father he couldn't be arsed to visit before his death.

He had an issue with his father, fair enough.
Stay the hell away.
Don't go and make a show of yourself and your family, traumatising them all by behaving like violent scum in front of young children.

OP, I really hope this is a wake up call for you.
Get away from this waster while you can.

AIBU to be livid? I feel sorry for him in some ways but Jesus Christ, it was a funeral. Not the time. I don’t even want to show my face around his family now.

Why are you livid? I can understand embarrassed, but he did this in front his mum and brother and others, so not sure why you’re livid. If he did it at your family funeral then I would understand.

Anyway, sounds like you have much bigger issues than his behaviour at the funeral.

They, frankly, don't give a f'ing crap because piling on a newly pregnant woman is WAY TOO MUCH FUN for them!

What a bunch of tossers.

@Colpered I feel for you. There is a time and a place for outbursts, and his father's funeral was neither. Your NVDH needs to lay off the booze and lay in to some serious therapy. If he is shouty at you when frustrated, it will get worse with a child in the mix. Think seriously about the relationship and how he'll treat your child, if he is still so messed up.

And, guess what? She IS!

Too bad, too sad for ya, but she and a few sane others are right and the rest of ya'll can pound salt for your viciousness.

I don't blame you for not telling him and the poster(s) who think you should tell him now. like some kind of "treat" are, imo, batshite.
The fact that he shouts at you and takes DAYS to apologize and the fact that he was threatening a father in front of his very young children, makes me wonder what kind of father he will be. I can understand you thinking this too.
He has shown you who he is, in private and now in public. Is this what you want for the next 20+ years of your life? I think it's wonderful that you are expecting, but am not so thrilled that your NVDH is the father.

Many UNMumsnet {{HUGS}} to you.

Actually, with her NVDH's propensity for shouting and violent threats in front of youg children, I suspect that the NVDH is more like his father than he'd care to admit.

Hopefully, @Colpered will think long and hard about continuing a relationship with this man-child, OOC, adult brat. Nothing wrong at all with being a single mother and better all around than being with a man who enjoys being loud, shouts and takes days to apologize.

But, that would ruin all of their fun. There is a whole segment of MN, who do nothing but froth at the mouth, waiting to attack whichever poster they decide they want to try and destroy. NOTHING decent, good or helpful ever comes off their fingers. Just hateful, hurtful, words that try to belittle, denigrate, castigate and destroy the poster.

Sadly, they must have the most awful lives in existence, or they'd have zero need to behave as they do. It's many of the same ones, over and over, on a daily basis. They actually egg each other on and even sound the same as they give their virtual high-fives over an insult.

Luckily, there are also posters here who give very good advice, and still manage to be kind with their words, even when they do not agree with the OP. They are the reason MN still stands strong. They actually care about the topics, the OPs, the issue and can give advice or a rebuke without tossing the OPs a nuclear warhead. These posters also know who they are, and I thank them often in my thoughts. It's easier to be unkind than it is to be kind in these forums, so the kind deserve kudos.

My DH and I (47+ years) have yelled at each other during an argument, but we have never taken days to apologize. Of course, most of that was years ago. Now, when we each do something "puzzling", we have learned to let it go or just find the humor in it.

The fact that OPs NVDH takes days to apologize when just he is angry and shouty, is concerning. He doesn't sound like one who would accept therapy, but he needs it.

DH behaved like an absolute cock, and you don't get a free pass on abusing people because "grief". Don't talk to him about it now though, but if he does something similar definitely don't tolerate it and do address it when the loss is not so recent.

PS, and if he's regularly verbally abusing you, why are you putting up with it?