DH made a show of himself at his dad’s wake

[Colpered]

Bit of a rant tbh. DH’s dad died last week. They were never close — he always said his older brother was the golden boy, favourite child, could do no wrong etc. Been a sore point for years but he usually keeps it to himself.

Anyway, the wake was yesterday and DH got absolutely off his face. Started telling anyone who’d stand still long enough that his dad never loved him, that his brother got everything growing up and he got nothing. Got louder and louder, ended up having a go at his brother — full on threatening him in front of everyone. Was properly heated, had to be pulled away.

Whole thing was just awful. His mum was trying not to cry, people were whispering, I wanted the ground to swallow me.

He’s in bed now feeling sorry for himself. I don’t even know what to say to him. I get that he’s upset, but it felt like he made it all about him — turned a wake into some drama about childhood trauma.

AIBU to be livid? I feel sorry for him in some ways but Jesus Christ, it was a funeral. Not the time. I don’t even want to show my face around his family now.

Your DH has a double grief:
for the dad he wanted
for the dad he actually had

Can't help but feel if this had been posted from the brother's perspective you'd get different answers.

I'd feel like you @Colpered . Grief is one thing, drink is another and I think alcohol played a bit part here. Yes he's maybe medicating but it's not the way to go about it.

That said I think that you all probably need to write it off as emotions got the better of him in difficult circumstances and try and move on. He needs to apologise to his brother who doesn't sound like he's done anything wrong, assuming he's an otherwise good brother.

Whatever the rights and wrings he shouldn't have had to deal with that in front of his (also grieving) children.

In which case, one would have to ask, whatever did you see in him?

The worst part for me was him threatening his brother. He didn’t do anything. He was literally just sat there with his wife and kids, not bothering anyone, and DH marched over and kicked off at him like he’d been waiting years for the chance.

Of course OP would be horrified.

I had an abusive parent. When she died I felt nothing but relief. What I didn't do was cause a scene at her funeral and sound off at those people who (oblivious to what I'd been through) thought well of her.

I'm sorry, but there's no excuse. He might not be grieving but others were, and he had no right to cause a scene and make it all about him.

I think it's best just not to drink alcohol at these emotional events. It's a recipe for disaster. He must be cringing now big time at his own behaviour.

Sad but hope he will get on better with his brother. Brother can't help if his father was a twat.
Have his brother over for Sunday lunch with mother - no alcohol.

My parents would say until they are blue in the face that they never treated me and my sister differently. They did and my sister admits that they did and they favoured her.

Your DH is struggling, he is grieving and I think you should be a little less harsh on him. What he did wasn't right but grief does strange things to people.

I mean he huffed and puffed at another man's funeral and just had to drill his own experiences into people who loved the man and just wanted to pay respects to him after he'd died so I'd suspect there's an element of self-indulgence even if it is justified....

YANBU.

He didn't need to get plastered, that was his choice, and I suspect without that he'd have held it together.

Not sure what you do about it, though. Will he try to make it OK with his brother's family? I hope so.

You can apologise, feel guilty, feel ashamed etc. etc. but you can't take actual responsibility for your actions without fully understanding why you did what you did.

Why did no one get him out of there when it became clear what a state he was in? Some people do secretly love a good drama to liven things up...

Honestly. He’s grieving. Support him.

I am going to go against the grain here and say I dont see that the OP has said the late Father was evil or anything similar. Some people always have a chip on their shoulder about not being the favourite. I know within my wider family there are people like this. That doesnt mean you make a scene at a funeral and get roaring drunk shouting your mouth off.

And yes - I have been to many funerals in the last couple of years including my two parents and an Aunt literally last week. Shame on him for behaving like this. His Mother must be deversated at his behaviour and in front of the brothers children - nice work!

Where is your empathy for your DH?

@Colpered yeah not ideal for him to have gotten drunk but he did. What happened thereafter is something you just need to support him through. Please don’t give him grief over this. If I was a drinker I may well have been the same at my dad’s funeral. He very obviously favoured my sister and brother and was very aloof with me and I have several examples but my mom continuously gaslights me to this day and swears it to not be true despite all my receipts.

It’s a lot for him to process and as we’re all different in how we manage our grief, you dont want it to seem like you’re twisting the knife or anything. Probably a lot of layered issues going on within him right now. And he probably wasn’t even really angry with his brother but with his dad for creating that difference. Losing a parent is just so awful even if you’re NC, it just brings up very gut wrenching emotions. If hes feeling vulnerable right now and needs to be mollycoddled a little just do it! Anything to help get him over this amd hopefully he’ll do the same for you if need be.

No one has said his behaviour was appropriate but in the circumstances its completely forgivable, at least as far as his wife is concerned.

This is why I didn't attend my DF funeral. I didn't trust myself not to make a scene. Don't be too harsh on him.

You can have empathy for your DH and still think he shouldn't have threatened his Brother at his Dad's funeral in front of the family.

Some religions hold funerals very quickly.

I’m not heartless, I do feel for him in some ways but he went way too far.

In what ways exactly do you show you feel for him? Because they're not in evidence from your posts.

I agree with this.

Try not to take it on yourself too much, OP. This isn’t your situation to fix, just support him, but that’s it.

Shame on the family for enabling the favouritism and toxic dynamic, more like.

I don't think the victims of that need more shame being heaped on them.

Your poor DH. Only you know if this is normal behaviour or out of character for him to have such an outburst. I suspect it’s out of character and has come from years and years of emotional trauma.

I would be standing by and supporting my DH in this situation, yes it’s not ideal, but it’s better than those feelings continuing to eat away at him. I would be supportive, and suggest that talking to a therapist might help him come to terms with his childhood and adult grief.

I expect his DM is saying it didn’t happen because she would be guilty of standing by and letting it happen.

You can, but OP’s posts are very “me me me” with no apparent care or worry about her husband and how he’s feeling.

The thing is it was about him to an extent. All the stuff he held in for years could finally come bursting out. For good or for bad, he wanted to tell the truth as he saw it. And somehow release that feeling of injustice.

It was probably for the best in some ways that he managed to express it. So what if people were whispering. He felt like his dad abandoned him. I feel really sorry for him.

I know his behaviour wasn't good but it's done now so I wouldn't remain angry with him for long.

Maybe NI. Funerals here are very quick. Usually only a few days. I know funerals in England take weeks and that must be so hard for families.