DH made a show of himself at his dad’s wake

[Colpered]

Bit of a rant tbh. DH’s dad died last week. They were never close — he always said his older brother was the golden boy, favourite child, could do no wrong etc. Been a sore point for years but he usually keeps it to himself.

Anyway, the wake was yesterday and DH got absolutely off his face. Started telling anyone who’d stand still long enough that his dad never loved him, that his brother got everything growing up and he got nothing. Got louder and louder, ended up having a go at his brother — full on threatening him in front of everyone. Was properly heated, had to be pulled away.

Whole thing was just awful. His mum was trying not to cry, people were whispering, I wanted the ground to swallow me.

He’s in bed now feeling sorry for himself. I don’t even know what to say to him. I get that he’s upset, but it felt like he made it all about him — turned a wake into some drama about childhood trauma.

AIBU to be livid? I feel sorry for him in some ways but Jesus Christ, it was a funeral. Not the time. I don’t even want to show my face around his family now.

The death of someone you had a complicated relationship with can bring all of that stuff you thought you were in control of to the surface, all at once. Especially if alcohol is involved. He'll be beating himself up enough OP. I'd just let him work through it.

I agree. OP he needs you more than ever especially as everything came pouring out at the funeral which is a highly emotive time without him feeling the way he has all these years.
perhaps you can suggest counselling to him as a way of talking things through in a non judgemental environment. Get all these years of rejection, abandonment off his chest and understand why he feels that way.

Well do you believe your DH or not? Was he treated differently/less favourably than his brother, or is it all in his head?

YABU to make this about your feelings. You should have gently encouraged him to leave if he was seeming not to cope and that's where your involvement ends.

I'm going to go against the grain though actually and say that your DH was BU. He has a responsibility for his own actions. He's extremely hurt and this is valid and can't be helped. However if you can't respect somebody at their funeral then when the hell can you respect somebody?! If this is really how he feels about the man and he can't keep a civil tongue about it then he had no business being there at all even if he's his son.

My grandad really wasn't a nice man. A couple of my dad's siblings and their kids were a lot more spoiled than him and didn't as such receive as much of his nasty behaviour (my dad is the oldest) There's plenty I (and I'm sure dad) would love to have said to the people who thought he was a great man but you just don't do that at a funeral. You air your grievances at a different time or not at all.

I'm sorry you both found this such a stressful experience. I'd say tell him that you feel that it was inappropriate but try not to focus on how it affected you. Support him emotionally then move on as a couple. It's done now and hopefully he can repair relationships with his surviving relatives so he's not doing the same at their funerals.

I think you’re more concerned with your own embarrassment than your husbands feelings.

Did his brother get the farm?

You've had some good replies.
I agree with pps, all the emotions of not feeling loved / good enough has come to the fore, regret at now not being able to express his feelings to his DF.
I'm team DH, cut him some slack, there's no need for you to feel embarrassed, it wasn't an ideal situation or even the right time for DH to let it all out but imagine his depth of emotions to behave like that.
He probably feels awful.
In your position I'd be showing him all the love and support he clearly felt he lacked.

Given the timelines and the reference to making a show of himself, I'd guess Ireland, but don't think it's relevant

You weren’t there in his childhood. Why are you believing your husband’s mum over your own husband? Your husband’s mum only has second hand experience of your husband’s relationship with his dad. Her response is very dismissive but yours more so since your loyalty should be to your spouse.

Sounds like you haven’t taken his struggles about his family relationships seriously over the years - so he’s bottled it up and kept the peace for everyone else, including you. And when he couldn’t contain his emotions any longer, rather than apologising and allowing him to grieve in his own imperfect way, you still expect him to keep the peace like a good little boy.

How do you see your role as a wife? What emotional support do you feel you should be giving him at this time? Do you feel that by judging him and siding with the family members he felt treated him badly you are giving that support?

His mum has always said he wasn’t treated any different and she’s already messaged him this morning saying how upset and unhappy she is with how he behaved

@Colpered this is the gaslighting I mentioned

It is possible for siblings to be given the same things materially while one is still obviously favoured.

Admitting this her son is right would mean your MIL admitting that she didn't protect him, that she was - at best - complicit. It would mean admitting she & her husband weren't great parents, and that their child suffered as a result. This is very confronting and very hard for most people to accept, especially if they feel they did their best.

It's much easier to blame the victim as a troublemaker.

Unless you're going to drip-feed that your husband is a selfish man in all things, you're really coming across as badly as his family here.

I'd be supporting my husband. Was his behaviour bad? Objectively speaking, yes. But the reasons behind it, being the lesser his entire life, I feel that and I really feel for the guy.

Take your embarrassment and shove it. You're acting like his dad.

Grief has different impacts on different people. Not ideal that it all came flooding out at the wake, but it’s happened and he’s struggling. I’m sure he will feel enough shame over it, so I think showing him support and compassion is probably the best course of action. He needs that right now

Its incredible how layered it can be.
I was NC with my parents. When my mum died, jesus it was horrific.
Someone said Jeepers i cant beleive you are upset, you didnt see her.
Its not someone i would tell f off too, so i explained it.
To just be able to grieve a loved one, its such a gift. I cldnt just grieve her passing. I had so so many other dreadful emotions and experiences and memories, it totally messes with your head.
To simply grieve would have been a blessing.

Nonsense.
Either go and behave himself.
Or don't go.
Feelings are one thing.
Behaviour is another.
He is a grown man. Should show respect for his mother and others who are grieving.
Including his nephews neices who have lost a grand dad.

I'm sure I'd also be embarrassed in the same situation, but that all clearly needed to come out for your poor DH. Can't be easy to have lived his life feeling like that. I hope he's ok once the hangover wears off, please just support him.

Honestly I’d support him, don’t be livid - it’s not your family or experience or childhood.

Having grown up in the shadow of my sister, and treated differently- my mum would always deny this to anyone that asked. However after a few wines recently she cried and said that she hoped that I knew she loved me the same as my sister, despite our childhood.

support your DH , tell him it’s okay, validate his feelings.

He's probably spent his whole life behaving in order to be respectful to his family.

I guess we can all see from this thread how people side with abusers and why victims are just never believed.
Imagine, the person who is supposed to love you most in the world being this lacking in empathy and this concerned with embarrassment and siding with your abusers.
Your poor DH I really hope he gets out of all these toxic relationships and finds himself and finds space to heal away from all of you.

In my experience, usually there is a reason someone feels like they were treated differently. Of course the mother isn’t going to agree, but unless her husband is usually a spoiled, huffy, immature “it’s not fairrrr” type, I’d be inclined to believe what he says.

It is going to be hard for you but much harder for him. You need to be his rock for a while so that he can get through it, and so your marriage comes out stronger not weaker. In sickness and in health etc. There will likely come a time when you need him to carry some of your emotional load for a while.
There will be more, a lot more processing your husband will need to do as his memory returns of hurts he has buried to survive them.
There are courses and support groups for people who need help coping with a loved one's bereavement. Some of them are online. They might help you.

Your husband certainly replicated his relationship with an uncaring parent in his marriage, huh. Poor man.

I went to my estranged father's funeral, which was a huge mistake - I wanted to stand up and scream through all the eulogies. My mother had the nerve to ask me to read one, which I still find unfathomable. I bailed on the wake completely, because this sort of thing was very much on the cards had I stayed.

His mum has always said he wasn’t treated any different

Of course she does. In a scapegoat/golden child situation, no-one is going to come straight out and admit it. Doesn't mean she's right.

How would you feel if the situation was reversed- you express all your heartfelt anguish and your husband sides with the people who hurt you? Doesn’t sound so reasonable does it?

btw mothers often rewrite the past in their own mind so that they don’t have to face up to what they did/didn’t do at the time.

YABU He has been keeping his childhood hurt inside all his life and now felt validated to let it go.
Frankly I'd be concerned about my DH, not bloody livid
He hasn't shown himself up at all imo

Jeez give the man a hug and be there for him.