DH made a show of himself at his dad’s wake

[Colpered]

Bit of a rant tbh. DH’s dad died last week. They were never close — he always said his older brother was the golden boy, favourite child, could do no wrong etc. Been a sore point for years but he usually keeps it to himself.

Anyway, the wake was yesterday and DH got absolutely off his face. Started telling anyone who’d stand still long enough that his dad never loved him, that his brother got everything growing up and he got nothing. Got louder and louder, ended up having a go at his brother — full on threatening him in front of everyone. Was properly heated, had to be pulled away.

Whole thing was just awful. His mum was trying not to cry, people were whispering, I wanted the ground to swallow me.

He’s in bed now feeling sorry for himself. I don’t even know what to say to him. I get that he’s upset, but it felt like he made it all about him — turned a wake into some drama about childhood trauma.

AIBU to be livid? I feel sorry for him in some ways but Jesus Christ, it was a funeral. Not the time. I don’t even want to show my face around his family now.

YABU
I feel very sorry for him. Poor man. Grief is a terrible thing and his grief is more complex due to his father treating him so badly. You should be there for him and support him through this awful time.

Is he normally like this? Is the out of character for him?
it’s really not for you to say if he is justified in thinking this - the fact is he feels deeply hurt, added to the fact he’s grieving. Perhaps when the dust has settled and everyone is sober and calm it would do his family good (without spouses etc) to talk.

This in spades. You are EMBARASSED that someone you love has lost someone they had a complex relationship with, who has impacted their relationships with other family members, couldn't keep it in any more and got it out at a moment of high stress? Can you not imagine how awful he must have been feeling in that moment to do that, after holding it in all his life? Do you not understand how important it is for some people to say these things out loud? And trust me, as someone with a complex parent relationship, there is no 'right time'.
Yes he's upset his mum, but he has also been upset about this his whole life while she was with him, and when you go about life knowing your partner is treating your kids differently... it is the price you pay for staying with someone who does shitty things, unfortunately. Yes, she could have been downtrodden etc, but that's just the reality of it. It sucks for everyone. I hope your DH gets some relief eventually.

I think you need to support your husband to do the right thing by his mother & brother.

Clearly, he’s grieving and that’s manifesting as anger. It’s unfortunate he’s reached this stage of grief in such a public way. Did he handle it the best way possible? Absolutely not. Should he be judged for that? Also no. You weren’t there during his childhood, and intention doesn’t equal impact. His mother, from her viewpoint, felt her children were treated equally. Her son, from his view point, disagrees. All you can do is support your DH to manage those feelings in a more productive way, and build on the relationships he already has if those are ones he’s looking to retain.

So true. This has happened in my own family and even minor disagreements have a way of detonating lifelong relationships during this fraught period. OP's DH may have finally voiced festering resentment but he has to face the consequences of that too. OP would do well to steer clear and maintain a distance.

https://www.cruse.org.uk/

Book him in for bereavement support

You say he kicked off at his brother 'he’d been waiting years for the chance.'

He probably has.

I feel very sorry for him. He has grown up thinking his dad didn't support him and now his mum and wife aren't supporting him.

He probably had been waiting years for the chance.

As for others not causing “drama,” the “others” you refer to (aside from the brother, who even from your post sounds as if he can do no wrong) weren’t dealing with the emotions of being at their father’s wake.

Surely your support here should be for your husband? He is clearly emotional and am sure he didn’t want to behave that way if it’s not typical behaviour for him which I’m guessing it isn’t or you would be used to it and not “livid”. If it’s out of character then he obviously needed to vent. Support him if you love him.

Yeah I get what you’re saying, but it honestly just felt like he was a spoilt child having a temper tantrum. I know he’s hurting but the way it all came out was just so aggressive and self-centred.

Just to clarify as well, I’m from the UK, but he and his family are Indian — it wasn’t technically a wake in the traditional English sense, it was more a big family gathering after the funeral at a relative’s house. Loads of people there, food, talking, etc.

I couldn’t step in sooner because I was talking to one of his cousins in another room, and he said he was just nipping to the toilet. Next thing I know there’s raised voices and someone comes to get me saying DH is kicking off.

OP:

I wanted the ground to swallow me.

AIBU to be livid?

I don’t even want to show my face around his family now.

Also OP:

he made it all about him

The concept of irony completely passed you by, didn’t it?

You must be jealous of your late FIL. All that attention on him and not you!

Poor guy

I am going to buck the trend and say threatening your brother and making your mum cry during a funeral is absolutely horrible.

He needs professional help.

I agree with this.

Is it all about you being embarrassed and not about him? Be supportive not judgemental. He's clearly in distress and you're just embarrassed for yourself.

I agree with this. You don’t resolve your trauma publicly at a funeral. And if so vulnerable that you may crack, don’t open the drink!!

Don't go to the funeral.
Don't drink.
Don't threaten anyone.

There are many choices available.

YABVU because you're making this about you.

He's clearly had a huge meltdown, is probably feeling mortified on top of all of the grief and angst, and he's going to get it in the neck from everyone. He's going to need someone in his corner through all of this, and who do you think should perform that role?

He behaved terribly. He needs to apologise to everyone.

But I wouldn’t judge him to much, we all have weird baggage from our childhoods that bursts out if we don’t deal with it.

I would show him some compassion. Give him a hug, let him cry that he never got square with his dad, and for the little boy who felt left out. Let him get it out, then he can make a sincere apology.

Literally.

The thing is OP, it’s done now.

You being embarrassed is by the by tbh.

You need to focus on what to do now.

You either let your embarrassment go, and support him, or not, and go against him.

There’s never a right time btw, his mum won’t ever listen. Fuck it.

It wasn’t ideal but he’s only human.

I can’t imagine for a second that the husband went to the funeral thinking he might kick off.

Good grief so his mother has doubled down and perpetuated the lie that he wasn't treated differently. Presumably there was a lot of poor brother crap going on that tipped him over the edge or his brother was going round presenting as the golden child - I have been in that situation too and I have every sympathy for DH that it became too much in that situation.

You sound like you are more worried about how they feel than how he is feeling/coping.

Well, I doubt he went there with a plan in his head to cause a scene - grief makes people very irrational and causes all sorts of emotions to come flying to the surface.

I'm sympathetic with your DH, it's awful growing up feeling that way.

You did not grow up in such a dysfunctional family but your H did and I am not altogether surprised to read what happened. It was going to all kick off at some point. He is the scapegoat here and as a result he and his family unit ie you people are scapegoated too.

This is no reflection on you.
Have some compassion for your h, learn about narcissistic family structures and encourage him to see a therapist.