DH made a show of himself at his dad’s wake

[Colpered]

Bit of a rant tbh. DH’s dad died last week. They were never close — he always said his older brother was the golden boy, favourite child, could do no wrong etc. Been a sore point for years but he usually keeps it to himself.

Anyway, the wake was yesterday and DH got absolutely off his face. Started telling anyone who’d stand still long enough that his dad never loved him, that his brother got everything growing up and he got nothing. Got louder and louder, ended up having a go at his brother — full on threatening him in front of everyone. Was properly heated, had to be pulled away.

Whole thing was just awful. His mum was trying not to cry, people were whispering, I wanted the ground to swallow me.

He’s in bed now feeling sorry for himself. I don’t even know what to say to him. I get that he’s upset, but it felt like he made it all about him — turned a wake into some drama about childhood trauma.

AIBU to be livid? I feel sorry for him in some ways but Jesus Christ, it was a funeral. Not the time. I don’t even want to show my face around his family now.

Yeah i was expecting to side with you but your man has some real heartbreak, and he hasn't let it out, so it all exploded

Why didnt he confront his dad when he was alive? Stiff upper lip?

Your poor husband - you should go and comfort him and let him know that you support him no matter what, but that its time to really deal with it all and you will be helping

My condolences to him - sounds like he's had an awful time of it x

This.

Grief does terrible things to you. He obviously feels like he wasn’t treated well enough or had the time he wanted with his Dad and now the time has passed and he never will. That’s a hard thing to deal with.

Like PP says, tell him he’s enough and that you’re there for him. He needs support now more than ever.

That's a fairly normal timeline. Sometimes it takes longer but not always.

This 100%

Pretty much anywhere outside the UK. Where I'm from funeral is within three days, where I live, within a week.

Are you Irish OP? Im getting intense shame vibes from your post. Try push through and be there for your husband. He's probably going through a lot.

My dad did this at his Dad’s wake, he was a terrible alcoholic abusive man and my dad has lots of unresolved trauma from his childhood. He’d had a few drinks and ended up fighting with a relative who was singing the man’s praises.

It was an awful and upsetting experience for us as young children but now I have empathy for him.

He needs to apologise to his mum and brother. Nobody else should be thinking anything other than sympathy and understanding.

It's really hard, sometimes impossible, to confront this stuff head-on.
There can be a lot of gaslighting with it, some families shut down all conversations that go anywhere near unappealing topics. Then there's blame - the hurt person is unreasonable, demands too much, selfish or self centred, jealous...
Finally there's the risk of making it all worse, of losing what little one has.

Not that simple.
For a start we don't know what caused him to have a go at his brother (I am not condoning his behaviour).

Emotions need time to cool down on all sides, and all parties need a few days to process it all, think through the way forward.

Completely agree, I'm estranged from my family so can empathise

I did wonder what the combination of factors was for the dh here - whatever it was, i truly sympathise 🥺

You could try supporting him.

Is your DH generally a selfish person? If he's not then the conclusion I would draw from this is that he got absolutely walloped by grief. Poor man.

Well maybe his Mum should have said something and protected him from favouritism when he was younger.

I don't know if this is common but when I lived in NZ and worked with Maori people they talked of a part of the funeral ritual where the body is taken to the sea and all the relatives can have a chance to say everything they always wanted to say TO the deceased.

This sounds emotionally healthier to me than being forced to accept condolences and be told what a wonderful person your relative was.

When your experience is different and your feelings more complex.

I hope your DH can talk with his bother and mother at some stage when things have calmed down , apologise for getting drunk and causing a scene but talk about his complex feelings and experiences.

But probably his Mum and Golden Boy will just double down in their roles.

Counselling might help him.

Everyone grieves in different ways and he sounds like he is carrying a lot of anger towards his late father.

Instead of judging him, why not support him and show him you are there for him. Life is complicated but he sounds like he is struggling in a pile of grief and anger which is not a nice place to be.

Once he clears his head you can support him in making peace with his family too.

Yabu. just yabu.

He probably shouldn't have done that and of course you would be embarrassed as his wife in that situation...but I'd cut him some slack. I'd hope the relatives and guests at the funeral would show some understanding and put it down to grief/difficult relationship and slowly forget about it.

Do you not understand how he feels?

Yes he probably shouldn't have done all of that but I imagine he's feeling pretty shit in himself with everything you've said he feels on top of his dad dying as well

I have more sympathy with how he feels inside

He must be really lonely 😞

This. Sorry op but you are so incredibly unreasonable. Your poor husband.

Another point worth making, op: when a person is the unfavoured child, or scapegoat, and family members go along with it, do not defend or stand up for them, it teaches that person that they are essentially worthless. That they were never good enough, that even if people can see they've been treated unfairly, it doesn't matter enough to do anything about it.

Don't reinforce this further.

Don’t make it about you. It’s not.

This!

I imagine everyone having nice things to say about your dad and your husband had experienced nothing but rejection, so couldn't go along with that narrative. I don't blame him, really. I would only blame him if his dad had been good to him and had clearly loved him.

YABU - he's in a mess on every level. Childhood trauma is lifetime trauma unless it's properly addressed in therapy. You are his family now... You are livid with him for making it all about him... and you are making it about you! "I wanted the ground to swallow me". "I don't want to show my face around his family". He needs to work through his issues with his family of origin, support and stop judging and making it about your personal embarrassment that your husband "made a show of himself" at his father's funeral.

Poor man, his father treated him horribly, his mum didn't intervene by the sound of it, and who knows how he was treated by Golden Boy?

I'm sure your DH realises he made a scene, but dear Lord, have some compassion. Grief is complicated when family relationships are strained. He'll be grieving the fact that he never had a loving father and other family members never supported him and it can never be put right. All that pent up anger and sorrow coming out at once. Sounds like he may be owed an apology from his mother and brother but I doubt it will be forthcoming. I imagine everyone at the funeral speaking well of his father and saying what a good man he was must have been the last straw.