DH made a show of himself at his dad’s wake

[Colpered]

Bit of a rant tbh. DH’s dad died last week. They were never close — he always said his older brother was the golden boy, favourite child, could do no wrong etc. Been a sore point for years but he usually keeps it to himself.

Anyway, the wake was yesterday and DH got absolutely off his face. Started telling anyone who’d stand still long enough that his dad never loved him, that his brother got everything growing up and he got nothing. Got louder and louder, ended up having a go at his brother — full on threatening him in front of everyone. Was properly heated, had to be pulled away.

Whole thing was just awful. His mum was trying not to cry, people were whispering, I wanted the ground to swallow me.

He’s in bed now feeling sorry for himself. I don’t even know what to say to him. I get that he’s upset, but it felt like he made it all about him — turned a wake into some drama about childhood trauma.

AIBU to be livid? I feel sorry for him in some ways but Jesus Christ, it was a funeral. Not the time. I don’t even want to show my face around his family now.

Absolutely this.

You seem more concerned about how you look than your husband’s mental health.

It must have been embarrassing for you, but agree with everyone else saying you need to cut him some slack. He never got an apology or explanation from his dad for why he treated him poorly compared to his brother, and now he never will. He's allowed to be angry and upset about that. Counselling would definitely be a good idea so he doesn't hold onto any feelings of being 'less than' or unloved.

You don't know what to say to him? How about 'I'm here for you when you're ready to talk', 'what can I do to help you through this'? Or just a very simple 'I've got you' while you hug him. It's basic stuff OP.

No doubt on top of it all he'll also be feeling a lot of emotion following his outburst yesterday, including hurt that no one defended or supported him and that he will be seem by all as the bad guy.

Really felt this

That sounds difficult OP, I can't stand a public scene.
However, it's not your DH's fault, it's his mum and dad's for treating a small child differently and causing life long trauma.
Your DH needs counselling and support.
Hold your head high with his family, they have failed him in the past.
I would maybe suggest he messages his brother and apologises.

AIBU to be livid?

YES YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY BEING UNREASONABLE

Hope that helps.

Please go and comfort the poor man.

Instead of being embarrassed and livid at him, how about being livid FOR him?
sounds like he was treated like shite, no one gave a crap that he was, and now with the dreadful grief and loss of a father, with the confliciting emotions of him being a crap father that brings, he cracked.
God love him.
If that was my DH id be absolutely fucking livid. But not at him.
At his family, at his father, and at the fact that it took the funeral to bring him to that point.
Think you have your priorities skewed. You poor DH.

Being so embarrassed about the behaviour of another adult that you can neither face their family or support them in their grief suggests you have some pretty big codependency issues.

It will help if you focus on supporting your husband both with his grief and dealing with any family fall out. Most people are fairly forgiving about emotional outbursts when someone is grieving so don't make it into an insurmountable problem because it isn't one.

Thanks all for the replies, I do get what people are saying and I know grief can do funny things but honestly it just came across as spoilt.

His mum has always said he wasn’t treated any different and she’s already messaged him this morning saying how upset and unhappy she is with how he behaved. Can’t blame her tbh.

The worst part for me was him threatening his brother. He didn’t do anything. He was literally just sat there with his wife and kids, not bothering anyone, and DH marched over and kicked off at him like he’d been waiting years for the chance.

It was just a really horrible scene and it’s not like anyone else at the wake was causing drama, it was all him. I’m not heartless, I do feel for him in some ways but he went way too far.

I feel sorry for him. I have been the scapegoat child whose siblings got everything. I won’t be going to my parents funeral.

i think you should feel ashamed of your reaction and you should go and give him a cup of tea and tell him you love him.

Someone got up at my FIL's funeral and talked about all the things that FIL had done with them. My DH had a meltdown at home about it later, wondering why he hadn't done all those things with him. TBH, if my DH had had this meltdown at the funeral and said this, I'd have considered it something that needed to be said and hoped it helped him.

I hope your DH feels better for saying what has probably been hurting him for a very long time. Just support him.

Poor man. He had a horrible childhood. His Dad has died bringing up all sorts of difficult emotions that he has probably suppressed for years due to the pain. He probably feels absolutely awful about his behaviour at the funeral. And instead of a supportive spouse, he has one that is upset that she was a bit embarrassed by his behaviour.

You are still wrong.

Being livid just makes bad, worse. He needs empathy and support from his wife, not anger. He got little in terms of emotional support from his dad who is now dead, without fixing the mess he created.
He was bereaved and has a lot of pent up feelings + booze and unfortunately it spilled out at the funeral. Now he feels terrible and needs support.

YABU for thinking your embarrassment is in any way more significant than the parental rejection your DH has experienced for his entire life.

If he went "way too far" it's because no one realised how deep his hurt is. And now you're calling him "spoilt". Please encourage him to get some therapy.

Grief does strange things to people.

This shows the depth of what your DH has been carrying.

Of course his mother is in denial says he didn't get treated differently. Then she'd have to face up to her part in it. She clearly still has no interest in supporting him and hearing his experience, as it doesn't suit her narrative.

It's not really his brother's fault that his father treated them differently but hopefully he can see the hurt behind the action and have some compassion.

YABU.

He shouldn’t have threatened his db because it’s not his db’s fault.

However, his family will all have him down now as the db who kicks off and he’s made his position worse not better. His db will be the quiet and calm man.
Sad really.

I do understand your embarrassment OP, and if I'm right I think you might be Irish, in which case there's a cultural dimension that perhaps people aren't seeing. A wake is a much bigger event there than perhaps elsewhere.

However, I also agree with other pp who say you do need to comfort him and validate his feelings. I agree with the therapy idea too.

Sorry to hear this but that's why young children shouldn't be at funerals or wakes, but that's just my opinion.

Emotional responses like this don’t come from nowhere. It’s really disgusting that you’re choosing to believe your mil over your husband. He really deserves better.

You clearly don’t think you’re being unreasonable so why post? So that loads of mn users can berate your poor husband too?

Death, emotions and alcohol. Never a good combo.

He’ll know he made a scene and no doubt regrets it. I’d leave it. He obviously feels very strongly about the situation with his dad.