DH made a show of himself at his dad’s wake

[Colpered]

Bit of a rant tbh. DH’s dad died last week. They were never close — he always said his older brother was the golden boy, favourite child, could do no wrong etc. Been a sore point for years but he usually keeps it to himself.

Anyway, the wake was yesterday and DH got absolutely off his face. Started telling anyone who’d stand still long enough that his dad never loved him, that his brother got everything growing up and he got nothing. Got louder and louder, ended up having a go at his brother — full on threatening him in front of everyone. Was properly heated, had to be pulled away.

Whole thing was just awful. His mum was trying not to cry, people were whispering, I wanted the ground to swallow me.

He’s in bed now feeling sorry for himself. I don’t even know what to say to him. I get that he’s upset, but it felt like he made it all about him — turned a wake into some drama about childhood trauma.

AIBU to be livid? I feel sorry for him in some ways but Jesus Christ, it was a funeral. Not the time. I don’t even want to show my face around his family now.

Guess what? Dripping taps make an annoying noise. * *

'Had a full on go at his brother, threatening him, and had to be pulled away' isn't brilliant, especially in front of children, but dismissing her husband's extreme upset and anger as 'making a show' rather than worrying about what sits beneath them, and being more worried about her own embarrassment than her husband's grief... It's not how I'd approach this, put it that way.

I agree, @Bloozie. I am not saying that the OP's dh's behaviour was acceptable or right, but it didn't come out of nowhere, and they need to look at where it came from, and deal with it - probably in therapy.

I believe it is possible to criticise the behaviour, and say it was unacceptable, and still look at its root causes and seek to heal whatever damage caused the behaviour.

You should be standing by your husband during these harrowing times, not disgracing him by opening this shameful thread.
Your lack of basic human sympathy is shocking. He has clearly endured a deeply traumatic childhood that has taken a severe toll on his health.
Your actions are appalling, and you should be utterly ashamed.

I don’t agree and it seems that there other posters who also disagree. It’s possible to sympathise with her husband’s feelings about his childhood and to suggest he talks to a therapist whilst also acknowledging that his behaviour at the funeral was wrong and to feel embarrassed.

He is an adult who had years and years to:

A--Confront his Dad while his Dad was alive
B--Get therapy to learn to deal with his feelings

Instead, he picked:
C--Wait until your Dad dies, get drunk, start shouting and getting angry and then try to injure your brother in front of his small children.

The fact that so many seem to think "C" was a rational choice is astounding!

There is a time and there is a place and the drunken sod missed both.

Honestly, I don't think that threatening to inflict violence on his brother in front of his brother's children is just 'letting out years of bottled up emotion'. 'Making a show of himself' just implies embarassing behaviour. As his behaviour included violent threads, I think his behaviour was worse than making a show of himself.

Your lack of basic humanity for the OP is also shocking. Her husband is a shouty and difficult man who has threatened to smash his brother's face in, in front of his brother's children. OP has also said:

'Usually when he shouts it’s just me and him, behind closed doors. No one else ever sees it.'

He didn't visit his dying father in hospital as he said he would have been a hypocrite. Given his stance on this, I'm not sure why he then decide to go to the funeral and the wake.

Lots of people, including myself, have had difficult relationships with their fathers but don't do what he did at their funerals. He has squandered any sympathy and compassion that people might have felt for him by his drunken and violent behaviour.

What if OP's husband's behaviour came out of him being a prick who shouts at his wife, coerces her into getting pregnant and tries to start fights at funerals? Nothing the OP has said makes him sound particularly nice when he's not with his family.
I understand that sometimes there are true scapegoats and black sheep who have done nothing wrong and everyone in their family is mean to them, but sometimes a spade is a spade. A lot of black sheep are also the family gambler, liar, thief, drug addict, violent abuser and all round degenerate. When they meet people do you think they self describe this way or tell people how it's not their fault?

The op should be ashamed? As opposed to the grown man who threatened physical violence in front of grieving young children...

That's my take. Is he a shouty prick because his family don't regard him as equal or do his family not regard him as equal becaise he's a shouty prick.

I know where my money is.

This, with bells on, this whole thread is so frustrating. I commented that I would’ve left the second he started because I don’t tolerate that kind of behaviour.

I have no empathy for men like this and I would not be there to make him feel better.

It's quite something.

I see now why my father had so many women fawning over him desperate to be the one to save him.

Yet on a thread about the effects of violence in childhood I (and others with similar violent and abusive childhoods) was firmly told by multiple posters that his violence and neglect shouldn't be having any impact on my life because I'm an adult now and how I feel and live is my choice...

Agree totally. When a relationship hasn't be great there's an anger, an emotion that can never be fixed, you can't say what you need to say to that parent, it can never be discussed, put right. You therefore grieve for the loss of your parent but also for the relationship you should have had.

Yeah not great timing but he needs your support x

Also staggering how much abuse a parent can pile on a child and not even realise anything is wrong. Personally, I wouldn't have gone to the funeral. Did DH or OP ever consider that an option or did they feel there was no choice, I wonder.

Also staggering how much abuse a parent can pile on a child and not even realise anything is wrong. Personally, I wouldn't have gone to the funeral. Did DH or OP ever consider that an option or did they feel there was no choice, I wonder.

It is staggering. I was removed from my parents at 7 because of their abuse and neglect, so I'm not unaware or unsympathetic.

A shitty childhood doesn't give you the right to frighten children though, and their uncle having to be pulled off their father will undoubtedly have scared those children. There is no excuse for that.

He shouldn't have gone. At the very least he should have stayed sober.