To think my DH’s approach to crying baby was completely wrong?

[safetyfirst1]

Looking for some perspective here as I’m doubting myself. This happened last night and I can’t shake the feeling that it was wrong, but DH says I’m being critical of his parenting.

We have a young baby. I’d put bottles in the dishwasher to clean them before going to bed and told DH where they were so he could sterilise them after.

I was trying to sleep but could hear baby crying downstairs. The crying went on a while, initially because DH keeps saying I’m bossing him about I decided to leave him to handle things and tried to sleep, but I couldn’t as it was so loud and then it started sounding different - more distressed than usual. Despite DH always telling me I’m “bossy” about baby care, I eventually couldn’t ignore my instincts and went down to check.

When I got downstairs, I found DH walking toward the dining room (a room we rarely use). Baby was in there, pitch black doors closed, with white noise on. When I asked what was happening, I went in and found baby had been sick and was absolutely beside himself crying. Baby calmed down almost immediately when I picked him up.

DH’s explanation: The steriliser takes 7 minutes, dishwasher had 10 minutes left and was just waiting for them to finish (even though anyone knows you can stop a dishwasher and my DH is a very intelligent problem solver generally). He then said because I couldn’t be bothered to wash them manually, neither could he which is why he let the dishwasher finish?! He then said he put baby in the dining room because of our cats being in the living room and it was quieter as he didn’t want it to wake me up. He also said he’d been trying to soothe baby for ages before putting him in there.

What I didn’t understand is why not stop the dishwasher and take them out rather than leave the dishwasher to completely finish? Waiting for them meant leaving the baby almost 20 minutes crying hysterically.

When I gently brought this up this morning, saying I wouldn’t have done it that way, he got defensive and said he’s “fed up” of me criticising his parenting and that “babies cry, it’s not an issue to leave them crying sometimes, some babies have colic and cry for hours”. Also that the cry didn’t sound more distressed it was the same as any other cry (which being primary caregiver on mat leave I know this is NOT the case).

AIBU to think this was wrong? Should I have just left him to handle it his way? I feel like I can’t raise concerns about baby’s care without being told I’m being critical, but something about this felt really off to me.

WWYD? Am I overreacting or were my instincts right?

Any advice for others that have had situations like this post natal?

How old is your baby??? I'd be worried he had been shut in the dark room and vomitted if he's very young he needs to be watched - when they sleep you need to know they are asleep and not quiet from having choked in their sleep.

@Motomum238 weeks

I’m assuming you “bossing him about” is you trying to correct his terrible parenting?

Your DH is in the wrong on all counts
those first few weeks of sleep deprivation can lead to a lot of stress and arguments BUT you don’t leave an 8 week old to cry like that
you pick them up and comfort them
the bottles issue - well I would always have at least one which is sterilised and ready to use but the issue is your DH’s ignoring of your crying baby and his defensiveness

It sounds very much like he was trying to do some "I'll show you how it's done" sleep training. Completely unacceptable.

On the bottle issue, you should have washed one by hand (or left one out for him to wash by hand) so that it was washed, sterilised and ready to go. It's a rookie error to have them all in the dishwasher at the same time.

No way would I be able to tolerate my baby being left to cry like that. Of course he could have just got a bottle out and washed it.

Yes I’ve learned to never do that again re:the bottles but honestly, I’m not even convinced it was the case because I feel like a pit the dishwasher on way earlier in the night and it was express mode an hour, I also would have thought initiative to open the dishwasher would not have gone amiss?

we also have ready to feed bottles in the house, I had took some bottles upstairs so I can do night feeds easier and when I knew the issue I went to get one of those but it was the fact he was waiting for the dishwasher and saw leaving him alone in a dark room ok - I agree with poster that said I’ll show you how sleep training is done.

I feel sad honestly, and he has tried to make me out to be the problem is what has made me sad.

he said I should keep my opinions to myself and that I had packed the dishwasher up like an idiot and the small pieces hadn’t washed properly anyway but he’s not critiscising me about it.

I kindly pointed out I’m happy to learn how to pack them better and could he show me because I’m NOT defensive if there’s a better way I’m open to someone showing me!

Exactly, anyone knows you can stop a dishwasher you don’t need to wait for the cycle to finish. He just took the attitude of it doesn’t matter, babies cry.

my issue was, he was doing nothing to help the baby and instead put him the dark room and shut the door - crying baby for a few minutes fine - nearly 20 minutes and he’s just calmly waiting for the dishwasher I find upsetting.

but more upsetting he is attacking me for being upset about it and saying I need to leave him alone with my opinions and I’m causing relationship issues but constantly intervening 😪

In general I was happy to let DH find his own way with parenting - he did do things differently, like he was so chill about leaving him to feed himself and actually solved potty training by leaving DS to tell him when he needed a wee, he didn’t, wet himself and then figured it out soon after.

But I would have intervened if our babies had seemed distressed. In fact, I remember when we were in the thick of it, him leaving Ds to cry a bit and I did swoop in. Then we had a calm conversation where we agreed that we each had our way of doing things but when it came to a screaming baby, we would ALWAYS pick them up and comfort them. This was really important to me whereas I think his mum told him babies were fine to be left. Mt thought was; this is their only way to communicate, how awful I would feel if I were ignored by the person I was totally reliant on.

In conclusion, a calm conversation when you’re both relaxed is the way forward.

8 weeks!! Any kind of "sleep training" is inappropriate. You also don't leave a tiny baby to cry on their own in the dark so hard they are sick. It's a big error of judgement on his part, and the fact that he is defensive and trying to blame you is not good.

He could have used the ready to feed bottles, or interrupted the dishwasher. It is hard to think when you have a crying baby, but it doesn't sound like he was trying any strategies other than ignoring the baby.

Does he have very different ideas about parenting and caring for babies to you?

8 Weeks😳 You H is mistreating your baby, you cant shut them away & ignore because you are too lazy to wash a bottle.
That said, I would always make sure there were some clean bottles prepped for the night.
Why wouldn't you? It just means you/He are faffing around in the night sterilizing bottles …

He could’ve just picked the baby up and done things with one hand?

DD saw a consultant for her reflux/colic - the five hours of screaming sessions she would have. We were told get ear plugs and comfort her, cuddle her. (DH has tinnitus so it was really painful) but you just pull yourself together and get on with it. You do not leave your child crying and screaming in pain, covered in vomit or vomiting (unless you have to use the loo for a few mins obvs). You do your level best to turn up and be there for the baby. He’s in the wrong.

The fact he's not ashamed of leaving a newborn alone to potentially choke on vomit so he could prove some kind of dominance point to his wife? Horrifying. No idea how you can even navigate a divorce as he's quite openly a risk to the infant.

No not at all acceptable to leave an 8 week old screaming in a dark room.
Your dh sounds like he is trying to sleep train but frankly all an 8 week old needs is comfort and food. Keep ready made emergency bottles in for dishwasher issues (I think you said you did) but also you need a calm discussion on how you both intend to raise the baby - if he thinks his way is acceptable you need him to justify why, what he was hoping to achieve etc.

I was potentially on team DH- until you mentioned the fact it was 20 minutes.

There are times when you just have no choice but to let your baby cry for a bit when something else needs to be done and requires two hands, but 20 minutes? Nope.

Also, putting the baby in another room is a big no no. I know others will have their own opinions on that but 8 weeks is very very little still, I didn’t leave my daughter in a room alone at that age, definitely not for 20 minutes

@Mix56we do, every night we have had some which is why the dishwasher was on about 8pm and I told him they were in there and when it’s finished sterilise them. I purposefully put the dishwater in express mode so they wouldn’t take too long and then sterilising them after would have set us up for the night.

my error was not washing one manually and leaving it but honestly I wouldn’t have minded he took the bottle out of dishwasher and sterilised immediately but it’s annoying he was waiting another ten minutes for the dishwasher to finish and doing nothing to calm baby. Everyone knows you can stop a dishwasher run if necessary.

it still wouldn’t have been ideal but meant a baby crying in distress went from 20 minutes to 7 as that’s how long steriliser takes

Even proponents of sleep training don't suggest you leave a baby this young, that's incredibly cruel of him. Also (when the baby is older) any strategies to manage sleep need to be agreed together.

He was wrong. Leaving a baby to cry for so long is cruel and leaving them to potentially choke on their vomit was dangerous.

Stop speaking “gently” and “kindly pointing out”. You are within your rights to get angry and force change! Stand up for your child.
Do not back down, no matter what he says.

@Mrsttcno1rhere are absolutely times when I leave him to cry but it is because there’s no other option, for example I’m in the middle of making the bottle and nothing can be done to speed it up in which case fine.

Also, the distress of the crying was different but DH would not accept it and insisted it sounded like every other cry he makes.

It’s the fact he was in a dark room alone - I am so upset about this.

Me and DH are not getting on at all and this is one of the reasons. We just can’t see eye to eye.

the biggest issue for me isn’t that we have different parenting ways it’s the defensiveness when I point things out. And then things I point are are never unreasonable, it’s like there’s no respect for the fact I have hormones made to protect my baby. DH seems to have little or no respect for that at all.

Every time I’ve been “bossy@ it’s purely in the best interest of DC and I have no idea why DH can’t see this?

Your baby could have choked on their vomit and died and he’s more upset about being “corrected” for his quite blatently neglectful parenting. His defensiveness is not good parenting or husbanding. He is wrong. Packing a dishwasher in a less efficient way is not the same as risking your newborns life and if he can’t see that he needs to step away and educate himself throughly before coming back with a serious apology.

@EdgarAllenRavenits impossible, I’ve never know anyone be so defensive like DH is.

this morning I tried so hard to ignore it but DH said what’s wrong as he can tell I’m annoyed about something and was it last night. Even then I didn’t tell him what to do I simply said I wouldn’t have done that and instead would have done it differently - this got him annoyed

He didn't even need to stop the dishwasher early and sterilise, he just needed to pick up his crying child and comfort them.

Because he doesn’t respect you. There, I said it. If he respected you he could take your lead or guidance but as it is if you tell him something he has to firmly already know it or have his own, equally good way of doing things. He has to be right because god forbid you (a woman??) be able to teach him anything or know things he doesn’t already.

To add, I only noticed he had been sick when I went to pick him up. DH wouldn’t have seen the sick

If he was waiting for the dishwasher to finish he had time on his hands to soothe the baby. Or if it was too much for him he could have tapped out and asked you to take baby. Leaving them to cry in the dark is completely unacceptable. Sleep training is barbaric at this age if that was his intention and 'self soothing' is not a thing. It's learned helplessness like children in orphanages that don't cry anymore.