To think my DH’s approach to crying baby was completely wrong?

[safetyfirst1]

Looking for some perspective here as I’m doubting myself. This happened last night and I can’t shake the feeling that it was wrong, but DH says I’m being critical of his parenting.

We have a young baby. I’d put bottles in the dishwasher to clean them before going to bed and told DH where they were so he could sterilise them after.

I was trying to sleep but could hear baby crying downstairs. The crying went on a while, initially because DH keeps saying I’m bossing him about I decided to leave him to handle things and tried to sleep, but I couldn’t as it was so loud and then it started sounding different - more distressed than usual. Despite DH always telling me I’m “bossy” about baby care, I eventually couldn’t ignore my instincts and went down to check.

When I got downstairs, I found DH walking toward the dining room (a room we rarely use). Baby was in there, pitch black doors closed, with white noise on. When I asked what was happening, I went in and found baby had been sick and was absolutely beside himself crying. Baby calmed down almost immediately when I picked him up.

DH’s explanation: The steriliser takes 7 minutes, dishwasher had 10 minutes left and was just waiting for them to finish (even though anyone knows you can stop a dishwasher and my DH is a very intelligent problem solver generally). He then said because I couldn’t be bothered to wash them manually, neither could he which is why he let the dishwasher finish?! He then said he put baby in the dining room because of our cats being in the living room and it was quieter as he didn’t want it to wake me up. He also said he’d been trying to soothe baby for ages before putting him in there.

What I didn’t understand is why not stop the dishwasher and take them out rather than leave the dishwasher to completely finish? Waiting for them meant leaving the baby almost 20 minutes crying hysterically.

When I gently brought this up this morning, saying I wouldn’t have done it that way, he got defensive and said he’s “fed up” of me criticising his parenting and that “babies cry, it’s not an issue to leave them crying sometimes, some babies have colic and cry for hours”. Also that the cry didn’t sound more distressed it was the same as any other cry (which being primary caregiver on mat leave I know this is NOT the case).

AIBU to think this was wrong? Should I have just left him to handle it his way? I feel like I can’t raise concerns about baby’s care without being told I’m being critical, but something about this felt really off to me.

WWYD? Am I overreacting or were my instincts right?

Any advice for others that have had situations like this post natal?

8 weeks! You don’t leave an 8 week old on its own, in the dark, crying. He could have choked on his vomit. Not sure what you can do about your stupid husband, but just stick to your guns when it comes to your baby’s safety and wellbeing.

To be honest, I wouldn’t leave a baby, or indeed child of any age, on their own, in the dark, crying.

I can see why you are struggling. It isn't just postpartum hormones, it's that your DH has now been identified by your maternal brain as a potential danger to your baby and so you're being triggered by all these things he is doing. I think if you have a difference of opinion on things it is largely ok to do things differently even if his way isn't optimal eg having baby in the bouncer more than you would. But when it is a safety issue like this was it is non-negotiable. You should definitely be very clear between the two of you that if either partner is worried about a safety issue (genuinely, not just intervening to be a dick) then you need to both accept that calmly and discuss.

I wonder if he could talk to a third party about how he's feeling and coping with parenting. This could be him feeling overwhelmed and angry with the baby I which case this needs addressing. Or it could be him being neglectful or petulant - in which case that also needs addressing, but by stern action.

Sounds like he’s focusing on the practical needs of the baby but not the emotional needs.

Perhaps he didn’t think to give baby a cuddle while waiting for the steriliser, or maybe he thought that would ‘’reinforce’ the crying ‘behaviour’.

Loads of men are emotionally illiterate, mostly because they have been trained to dismiss and ignore their own emotional needs. Did he grow up in a ‘strong man’ environment where feelings are weak and not to be encouraged?

@safetyfirst1 If this seems relevant, a simple parenting course should do the trick. Do it together. don’t present it as ‘you need to learn to do better’ but ‘we see things differently, I am open to the idea that I might also get it wrong sometimes or there may be a better way. Let’s go on some training together so we follow the same principles and don’t end up telling each other what to do and falling out’

“babies cry, it’s not an issue to leave them crying sometimes, some babies have colic and cry for hours”.

Yeah and it's been shown in studies that they are less distressed being held WHILE they cry for hours with colic than if they are just left by themselves.

8 weeks is too young for this. He thinks he knows what he's doing but he doesn't.

I have sympathy for people who leave babies to cry when they are at the end of their tether but not for that long and it doesn't sound like he was anyway.

It's not the fucking fifties. I would be furious. And the pat on the head thing wtf.

It seems like he doesn't have the instinct that tells him a baby needs to be protected, not to work to his convenience. I'm sorry he sucks at this OP.

And yet OP has managed to figure it out. Does the knowledge leak out of our tits or something?

How long do you want her to pander to her man child before he pulls himself together and starts parenting the actual child?

My DH, though a very long way from perfect, would never have done this in a million years. Cos he gave a fuck, had empathy for his child, and didn't assume that he knew it all and that everything he did was right.

OP's DH is STILL trying to justify. Using information aimed at desperate parents who have been awake for literally days or who have other hardships going on to excuse his lazy, uninformed behaviour. Using bloody websites to mansplain to OP, the parent who does actually know how to parent, why he was right. Pathetic.

Demanding?
It's an 8 week old baby.
This is so messed up and chilling to read.

Kindly meant OP, if you keep this from your GP and health visitor, you are colluding with him and knowingly putting that baby at possible risk.

His behaviour and attitude are not normal.
He is a risk to your baby.

You are right about feeding upright but I'm sure you knew that already

Completely unacceptable to leave an 8 week old baby crying alone for so long that they got sick. I’m angry on your behalf! Poor baby. 😢 I feel that he has done something grossly wrong here. What if baby choked on the sick ?

I’d be fuming !

I’ve read through all your posts and I’m so angry on your behalf. Tapping poor baby on the head? Leaving him alone and he didn’t know he was sick? Your baby could have choked and arsehole wouldn’t have known. This is an 8 week old !!
my dh treated me with so much care when we had our babies. Even if I was this overly anxious crazy new mom, he very very gently helped me see logic but also gave me alot of grace just to be ‘mom’. It’s not only different parenting styles that he has, it’s dangerous!! I would be staying put at your parents for a while till he proves himself that he can keep your baby safe.

He also said he mentioned it to two or three people and they all agreed a baby crying isn’t a big issue - but he failed to tell them he had put the baby in a separate room in the dark and shut the doors with white noise!! He insists that the location of the baby doesn’t matter whether he cried in the same room as him or not.

I said it absolutely does as a baby crying of course is normal, my whole issue wasn’t that the baby was crying it was that he decided to shut him away to see if he could calm himself down in the dark whine he was repairing the coffee machine / said he thought he would make himself useful?!!!!!!!!!!! But he does insist baby had only been there a few minutes when I came down and he had tried to soothed him trying everything he can but baby still wouldn’t settle.

he wasn’t sure he needed food as he had been fed an hour or two before hence he was seeing if baby was truly hungry or not. I still don’t understand why when you’ve made the decision to feed you would take your time about it,

I also maybe could have understood if he done this AFTER feeding, checking nappy etc etc and all the other things you should try but leaving him to soothe should have been last resort IMO unless you were struggling to cope, which he insists he wasn’t

He is gaslighting you op. He’s left out the details, while telling friends and that is gaslighting you. You KNOW this is wrong, everyone here has told you. A baby crying for a few minutes while you are watching them on the monitor is completely different to leaving a baby crying without knowing what is going on the other side of the door. The baby is 8 WEEKS. You absolutely do not do that to a tiny baby. What if the baby choked and kept quiet, he would have left him even longer!!

I would make a list of what he has done and you speak to friends/ family and tell them. I’m sure the responses are going to be as horrified as you are.

I did leave my tiny baby to have a shower/ toilet or make a sandwich quickly BUT I had the monitor with me and would have known if my baby was distressed. Huge difference to what he has done.

The issue is not with the specifics of the poor decisions he has made, but with how he is so brittle and controlling about discussing them and making changes/improvements. He isn't being a partner to you, he wants you to shut up and do as he says. Even when he is clearly wrong and you are clearly and consistently right, and it's about safety and appropriate ways to look after a tiny baby.

8 week old babies sometimes want feeding often, even if it's only been an hour or two since the last feed. I bet even your DH sometimes wants a drink within 2 hours of having had some food! It's not a problem to offer a feed to see if that's what the issue is.

I couldn't be doing with his whole attitude to you, the baby, the relationship. And I wouldn't trust him to make appropriate decisions with the baby from now on, regardless of what your relationship status is. I would talk to your HV about all of this.

So first you talked and ‘he’s promised he will never do it again’.
Then ‘he started showing me articles of websites saying it’s ok to walk away from a crying baby’.
Also ‘he still sticks by he wouldn’t have stopped the dishwasher early but he should have got travel bottles’.
and the last ‘He also said he mentioned it to two or three people and they all agreed a baby crying isn’t a big issue’
And now you are never to mention it again!
With every update he just doubles down that he did nothing wrong. This is ridiculous. Why is he promising not to do it again if he did nothing wrong? That makes no sense. Why can the dishwasher not be stopped? Come on, what’s the answer? He has none that’s the problem. It was to punish you for not washing the bottles through making your son pay the price.
It all reads to me that the only important thing for your husband is that he is never questioned and always proved to be in the right. No matter what.
I stick by my previous statement that I am convinced he is unfit to take care of your son alone safely. I believe based on what you have said that he would mistreat or put you son in danger if it were required in order to be proved right or to punish you for a perceived slight.
If you have somewhere to go I would leave for a few weeks with baby to gain some much needed perspective. He is being absolutely unreasonable and currently you are too close to it to see it fully. Is being proved right and being in control more important to him than his son’s needs and his relationship with the mother of his child? I suspect it is unfortunately.

He promised he won’t do it again because I asked him not to but he said he isn’t promising because he agrees with me and we are allowed to have differing opinions but he will not do it again as I’ve asked and we will revisit the issue when baby is older and more emotionally developed

It's not a difference of opinion when one person is making dangerous and inappropriate decisions around a small baby. So no, he isn't allowed to believe it's ok to leave a crying distressed 8 week old baby alone in the dark, in an attempt to make the baby "self-soothe" which is not possible or appropriate at this age.

Honestly OP I am outraged reading this. This is not a parenting style clash.
I honestly have no advice but unfortunately this is all too common. If he truly thought he did nothing wrong he wouldn’t have left out any details when speaking to others.

Honestly I think this is your maternal instincts kicking in here. With my first I was also ‘bossy ‘ and ‘controlling’ according to my ex. I never regained trust in ex. I can’t say anything to ex about parenting as it triggers a rage and makes him double down and repeat the behaviour to show me he is right.

Give you baby extra hugs today xx

If he has spoken to people then he shouldn't have any difficulty with you checking out with the GP and Health Visitor what he did?

If he does he knows its wrong.
If you don't, its because you know too and you know well how it will be viewed.

Ask yourself why you would protect him ahead of an 8 week old baby that he has abused?

I wouldn't trust him as far as I would throw him.
He is determined to defend and argue the point of abusing an 8 week old child.

That screams narcissistic disorder to me.

@Macklemuphe will not listen to the HV only on issues he wants to, he will just say they’re being over cautious or still think he know best.

I am not going to speak to the HV as it’s pointless, I’ve promised him I will not rate this issue again as we have spoken about it now for three hours plus and keep going round in circles so speaking to HV is to no avail as I won’t be able to raise it again with him now I’ve said what I’ve said,

even I agree with him discussing it further is more harm then good at this point

I also am not in any way playing down what he did but I do think abuse is a strong word. I wouldn’t describe it as abuse and I’m not doubling down at all, I find it was a completely inappropriate parenting decision due to lack of understanding and empathy but abuse? Unless I’m now missing something

I'm really not defending him or excusing him at all 😀. Men like him give the rest of us a bad name.

As what I can see the onto dad on the thread may I have your opinion on from a man’s perspective what you would have done? Im in no way invalidating the women on this thread at all but im trying to understand if this is a gender difference in part

@safetyfirst1 You are tying youeself into knots trying to rationalise his behaviour to yourself and others, and trying to make him,Dh, see sense.

This is gaslighting. And gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse.
I see you are not going to walk out on him. You have given birth 8 weeks ago and you and your baby are both vulnerable. You are not emotionally or physically ready to consider leaving. And that's ok.

Just remember this thread and the advice given here, so that when these issues arise again, you understand what you're dealing with.
Having to explain and explain basic safety issues is not a parenting or gender difference. Having to censor topics of discussion or edit your feelings for the fear of escalation is not normal. Needing to prove your points by Googling them is not normal.