To think my DH’s approach to crying baby was completely wrong?

[safetyfirst1]

Looking for some perspective here as I’m doubting myself. This happened last night and I can’t shake the feeling that it was wrong, but DH says I’m being critical of his parenting.

We have a young baby. I’d put bottles in the dishwasher to clean them before going to bed and told DH where they were so he could sterilise them after.

I was trying to sleep but could hear baby crying downstairs. The crying went on a while, initially because DH keeps saying I’m bossing him about I decided to leave him to handle things and tried to sleep, but I couldn’t as it was so loud and then it started sounding different - more distressed than usual. Despite DH always telling me I’m “bossy” about baby care, I eventually couldn’t ignore my instincts and went down to check.

When I got downstairs, I found DH walking toward the dining room (a room we rarely use). Baby was in there, pitch black doors closed, with white noise on. When I asked what was happening, I went in and found baby had been sick and was absolutely beside himself crying. Baby calmed down almost immediately when I picked him up.

DH’s explanation: The steriliser takes 7 minutes, dishwasher had 10 minutes left and was just waiting for them to finish (even though anyone knows you can stop a dishwasher and my DH is a very intelligent problem solver generally). He then said because I couldn’t be bothered to wash them manually, neither could he which is why he let the dishwasher finish?! He then said he put baby in the dining room because of our cats being in the living room and it was quieter as he didn’t want it to wake me up. He also said he’d been trying to soothe baby for ages before putting him in there.

What I didn’t understand is why not stop the dishwasher and take them out rather than leave the dishwasher to completely finish? Waiting for them meant leaving the baby almost 20 minutes crying hysterically.

When I gently brought this up this morning, saying I wouldn’t have done it that way, he got defensive and said he’s “fed up” of me criticising his parenting and that “babies cry, it’s not an issue to leave them crying sometimes, some babies have colic and cry for hours”. Also that the cry didn’t sound more distressed it was the same as any other cry (which being primary caregiver on mat leave I know this is NOT the case).

AIBU to think this was wrong? Should I have just left him to handle it his way? I feel like I can’t raise concerns about baby’s care without being told I’m being critical, but something about this felt really off to me.

WWYD? Am I overreacting or were my instincts right?

Any advice for others that have had situations like this post natal?

Yes, you will struggle
But to be honest, it’s better than the alternative. I don’t want to do the whole. I had four kids on my own practically because he worked away and I was alright thing. But that is the truth
Often they’re more of a bloody hindrance than a help.

Because he is a child abuser and a wife abuser. Please report him and get him out. His behaviour is dangerous and toxic. He makes you feel in the wrong all the time because it's coercive control. Please seek support for this in real life.

You’re absolutely right, This is where it starts and their true colours come to light when they think they’ve got you where they want you under the thumb.

Baby could have died. He was neglectful and cruel and I wouldn't trust him alone with baby again while it's that small and vulnerable. He can do house work and cooking , you do baby

So it's fine for him to dole out criticism and insults but not accept any advice on keeping his child alive and well?

Op I've seen this so many times and you will probably break up so you might as well do it now

Agree

Unfortunately OP this is becoming clearer and clearer the more you post. This is not a normal healthy relationship and someone who genuinely loves his wife and child just wouldn’t act like this, it really is that simple.

Agree with other posters this will be the tip of the iceberg. Men like this can't bear not to be in control and a newborn baby means that no one's in control, that's just the nature of the beast. So rather than dealing with their own feelings of helplessness and anxiety, they process them as anger - at the baby for changing all his routines and taking your attention away from him; at you for no longer centering his needs and wants and preferences (dishwasher a prime example of this).

When you have time to think about it you will realise how much of your relationship has depended heretofore on you accommodating, scaffolding and giving way to him. Because you could, and you are kind. But a baby will utterly destroy that dynamic because YOU and your priorities have changed (baby now most important thing) and he and his haven't (he is still the most important thing).

Your relationship may survive this very difficult transition, but it will never be the same because you have seen him now and it's impossible to unsee. Speaking from experience.

Stop trying to convince him. Just stop. And accept this baby is now your 100% responsibility and parent accordingly.
Your partner is abusive. He is grinding you down by knowingly doing unreasonable, irrational and harmful things. He is in total control of you and your emotions because you are currently vulnerable with a newborn.

So gather your strength. Stop explaining. Accept the responsibility fully, and then when you're ready. Leave.

@Dunnowototim not playing dumb but why do you say he’s abusive and outside of the OP what else is unreasonable? I often feel like I’m going crazy with him when I point something out that

He is just a really shitty, emotionally immature, cruel person. I know this is a hard thing to hear but he has nothing but contempt for you (and no doubt lots of people) and this is the death knell for a marriage. Or should be. it is the quality that every marriage counselor knows to be fatal.

He threatens to abandon you. He attacks you personally (bossy etc…), he is willing to harm your child and you to make a point, he is determined to dominate and win at all costs.

Try to get out sooner rather than later.

He is abusive

He's controlling

It has to be his way or you're punished in one form or another

And it's absolutely going to get worse as he won't listen and he won't back down

I'm really sorry but there is no question your marriage won't last unless he totally strips you of yourself

Dumb. Many of those are literally involuntary and stop at specific developmental stages.

He sounds like a nasty piece of work who is shutting you down.

I suggest you talk to your GP, health visitor and women's aid.

I know it is hard, but do not trust him with the care of that baby.
I would fear for its care.
Leaving it alone roaring crying in a dark room until it vomited is shocking.

Talk to your mother.
Do not trust him.

He has you anxious, walking on eggshells and he shuts you down.

Absolutely abusive.
Ask to stay with family.

@Macklemupcueeently at my moms as we speak,

I just needed a break and evidently he does too.

i haven’t mentioned anything to family it’s something that could create real issues I think so best kept to myself.

Don't keep an abuser's secrets. My friend had her baby removed from her, that way. And rightly so. She couldn't see the abuse for the shit in her eyes, thinking she was in love.

Small point abut the dishwasher and small things.....you can buy a little plastic basket that snaps closed for small things for top shelf dishwasher.

And also, there is a "correct" way to load based on how the water sprays out, but he's the idiot for criticizing you about it. Easily googleable, probably addressed in your dishwasher instruction manual.

Also, you mention play mat vs bouncy chair. I think it's fine for him to use chair and you do play mat time, I'd let that one go. Maybe get a play pen? Or do they not make those anymore? I used a fairly large play pen, then put an activity thing inside it; they could swat at and kick at various toys while laying on their back, roll over in there, and when they start crawling, be contained when you have to do things like go to the bathroom or move the laundry along, etc.

I'm gonna admit having stuck baby on bouncy chair in front of TV and turning on musical baby videos "Baby Bach" "Baby Beethoven", "Baby Mozart" as I recall, which daughter absolutely loved, and then I could nap on couch or make lunch or do laundry.

Ironically, I just had a dream about ex wherein we had been on vacation and I asked if he had gathered all the children's clothes from hotel room and he swung around with such an angry look on his face as how dare I ask such a question. Woke up so relieved I don't have to deal with that anger anymore.

I’d be heartbroken if my daughter was going through this and I didn’t know about it and I thought everything was okay. Please share it with your mum

Exactly

@safetyfirst1 Because i was married to a man like that too. Once you see it, you cant unsee it. He is using your current vulnerability against you.

-You feel like youre going crazy = gaslighting by questioning your reality and instincts
-You dont feel comfortable to speak tour mind = Using anger and imitation to control you
-Mistreats baby and then minimizes it= cruelty, revenge and gaslighting
-Criticising you about trivial things like a dishwashwer load = causing you to bend over backwards to justify yourself and change, mold and submit

These are typical manipulation and emotional abuse techniques. The problem is that men like this don't come with a warning. They all seem so normal until you are either pregnant or with a newborn and really vulnerable.

@safetyfirst1 And forgot to say..once you find yourself having to Google answers to prove your reality, there is no way back to healthy/normal. The same goes for having to record your conversations so that you can prove what was said/agreed. Been there myself ❤️

The wisest parenting advice I’ve ever received is
‘don’t become expert of the baby’. I would say in this instance, your DH is definitely in the wrong for leaving the baby like that, but if he’s already feeling got at it’s really a catalyst. It’s worth allowing him to find his way on all the none critical things so that he takes you seriously at times like these when it really matters. He is right in that babies do have to get left to cry sometimes, for instance my DD2 sometimes has to wait if I am with DD1 and vice versa, but there is a big difference between needing to leave them for a minute and choosing to. I don’t get why he didn’t just hold the baby while he waited for the bottles…

Abuse is a strong and serious word. It's difficult for posters to be 100% sure just based on a few posts.

I will say that there are a lot of serious red flags in your relationship. It's not right that you feel hesitant talking about certain topics. It's not right that you're worried about your husband reactions. It's not right that you have to tread on eggshells in your own home. It's not right that you have to resort to Google instead of your husband listening to you and respecting you. It's not right that he attacks you over raising your voice instead of responding to your actual concerns. It's not right that he labels you as bossy instead of discussing things rationally.

The bit where he tried to justify leaving the baby to cry because you hadn't bothered to hand wash the bottles so why should he is, frankly, unhinged. He is too busy trying to win this power struggle (that he has created!) with you to bother actually caring for his own child.

So yes, I would say that based on what you've shared, your husband is definitely showing abusive tendencies. If you can, try talking things over with friends or family who can give you advice.

Have you and him talked already before having your baby about parenting and the different ways of raising a child?

It seems like you are both not aligning in that way.

There’s not a chance on earth I would leave my child to cry (or cry it out) and I never did… my husband was on the same wavelength as me or I couldn’t have had a child with him.

It’s awful that your 8 week old was sick from crying so much and nobody was there.

If I was in your position I would sit down with him when it’s calm/he’s in an okay/good mood and talk about what you’re comfortable with in regards to parenting. I wouldn’t tiptoe around and walk on eggshells because this is your child and not some work deal.
If you’re not happy about something then you need to say it but it needs to be a proper honest calm adult conversation.