To think my DH’s approach to crying baby was completely wrong?

[safetyfirst1]

Looking for some perspective here as I’m doubting myself. This happened last night and I can’t shake the feeling that it was wrong, but DH says I’m being critical of his parenting.

We have a young baby. I’d put bottles in the dishwasher to clean them before going to bed and told DH where they were so he could sterilise them after.

I was trying to sleep but could hear baby crying downstairs. The crying went on a while, initially because DH keeps saying I’m bossing him about I decided to leave him to handle things and tried to sleep, but I couldn’t as it was so loud and then it started sounding different - more distressed than usual. Despite DH always telling me I’m “bossy” about baby care, I eventually couldn’t ignore my instincts and went down to check.

When I got downstairs, I found DH walking toward the dining room (a room we rarely use). Baby was in there, pitch black doors closed, with white noise on. When I asked what was happening, I went in and found baby had been sick and was absolutely beside himself crying. Baby calmed down almost immediately when I picked him up.

DH’s explanation: The steriliser takes 7 minutes, dishwasher had 10 minutes left and was just waiting for them to finish (even though anyone knows you can stop a dishwasher and my DH is a very intelligent problem solver generally). He then said because I couldn’t be bothered to wash them manually, neither could he which is why he let the dishwasher finish?! He then said he put baby in the dining room because of our cats being in the living room and it was quieter as he didn’t want it to wake me up. He also said he’d been trying to soothe baby for ages before putting him in there.

What I didn’t understand is why not stop the dishwasher and take them out rather than leave the dishwasher to completely finish? Waiting for them meant leaving the baby almost 20 minutes crying hysterically.

When I gently brought this up this morning, saying I wouldn’t have done it that way, he got defensive and said he’s “fed up” of me criticising his parenting and that “babies cry, it’s not an issue to leave them crying sometimes, some babies have colic and cry for hours”. Also that the cry didn’t sound more distressed it was the same as any other cry (which being primary caregiver on mat leave I know this is NOT the case).

AIBU to think this was wrong? Should I have just left him to handle it his way? I feel like I can’t raise concerns about baby’s care without being told I’m being critical, but something about this felt really off to me.

WWYD? Am I overreacting or were my instincts right?

Any advice for others that have had situations like this post natal?

And if DC was had asphyxiated on said sick how long would it take DH to notice? Would he had assumed baby fell asleep from his great ways of ignoring and “sleep training” at 8 weeks old??

What was he doing whilst his baby cried for 20 minutes and the dishwasher was still running?

Just sitting ignoring it all? Watching tv? Scrolling? Xbox? I mean, he had to be doing something.

Leaving a baby to cry when you're in the middle of something is fine, shutting them away and ignoring them is something else. An 8 week old needs to be comforted. Even when I couldn't pick my baby up I was talking soothingly to them. I remember being in the middle of changing very poppy baby nappy, and my newborn losing her shit screaming. Nothing I could do, baby needed changing. So I talked and let my newborn hear my voice until I could pick her up.

I would say though, if bottles have been in a hot steamy dishwasher they probably didn't need sterilising as all a steriliser does is create steam the same way a hot dishwasher does.

I think that maternal instinct gives you an understanding of when a cry is a distressed cry and this is validated by the fact that your baby had been sick. As others have said, 8 weeks is very young and not a time for sleep-training.

@MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannelthis is exactly what I could not work out. Because what was happening while he was waiting for the dishwasher to finish - exactly.

Why in this time wouldn’t you TRY to calm the baby 😢 why was he locked in a dark room alone I have no idea.

I find faffing so fucking annoying when a baby needs feeding. Nobody needs to wait for a dishwasher or a steriliser.

wash a bottle in soapy water, sterilise it using boiling water from the kettle then put milk in it. 5 minutes absolute tops. And hold the baby over your shoulder while doing it.

there was no need for all the dramatics.

I think you need a proper sit down chat about things to be honest, with honesty on both sides and hear each other out but also actually listen to each other- it sounds like he bats you away rather than listens and that cannot continue.

There are absolutely times when you are going to disagree about things when it comes to parenting, it’s normal, there isn’t a one size fits all approach that works perfectly for every baby and every family, there is a good amount of difference and you might not start on the same page but you do have to end up on the same page and that requires communication and respect on both sides.

My husband & I have had a few instances where we have had differing opinions, for example weaning. I had done a lot of research and reading, I wanted to do BLW. My husband hadn’t really read up on it (which is fair enough, I don’t expect him to have, I had done the reading more out of curiosity & something to do during nap time on mat leave) and he didn’t want to do BLW as he was worried about choking. We sat and had a proper chat about it, I explained why I wanted to & my reasoning, after listening and looking at some of the reading himself he agreed and I booked us both onto a baby safety class so we both knew how to deal with choking, we were back on the same page- no arguments required. I was the one at home with our daughter all day on mat leave, I could have just done BLW anyway and told him to deal with it, he wasn’t home so couldn’t have stopped me, but I respect him, his opinion and his worries and I know it is important for us to be on the same page.

You’re not always going to agree immediately but you cannot continue where one of you unilaterally decides to do something that the other disagrees with.

This …sterilisers didn’t exist when I was a baby!

He can take his 'you're being bossy' and shove it up his neglectful arse. Honestly, I'd be absolutely fucking livid if my DH had've done this.

I think we’re getting side tracked with the dishwasher here. Just pick him up and try to sooth him. Give him one of the prepared ones.
Once that’s done concentrate on the sterilising of the other bottles. How many bottles do you have? Wash them out and do them through the day? That way you won’t be caught short.
But really the issue is an eight week old baby crying and vomiting in the dark on his own. Not good parenting in my book.

I don't think this has anything to do with the dishwasher, or the steriliser, that's just a convenient excuse.

It sounds a lot more like some attempt at sleep training/punishment of the baby for crying, at 8 weeks that's really unsettling.

If he was concerned and it genuinely was the dishwasher he would have been carrying and soothing the baby while he waited.

Men are practical. Women are maternal. For most of us, it’s excruciating to hear your baby in distress. Men (generally) just aren’t bothered by it in the same way.

id have been furious too OP.

Poor baby you need to explain the severity of what he did OP, course he knew the crying was worse, the poor child is only 8 weeks and was sick after crying so much. He just needed comfort from a parent. Op tired or not, I’d be doing it myself from now on, unless you can get him to listen and acknowledge, you are trying to help him to understand how to look after baby properly, I know it’s not easy and most people don’t know what they are doing at first - but need to accept if they are approaching things incorrectly

Agree 100% - trying to punish a newborn for crying is insane toxic abusive behaviour and his doubling down on OP the way he is is red flag city.

Holy shit!

YANBU.

Let him get annoyed.
Dont pussyfoot around it by trying to speak kindly and gently.
just be straightforward.
”Look, you cannot let a baby cry this long. He could have choked on his vomit. Please go to him if he’s crying! He is very vulnerable, we need to put his needs first.’

And if he is annoyed at hearing that, so be it. But explain it and say it.

This is not about the dishwasher. Your baby could have died.

If he doesn’t realise this, I’d never leave him alone with the baby again.

You're right, the way he shut the baby away and did nothing is really concerning, and then he's being so defensive of his shitty behavior that he's now attacking you. I don't know what you can do if he is going to be so stubborn about it but I really couldn't accept this in your position. I'm sorry you are experiencing this.

I agree with what others have said - this isn't a matter of differing opinions. What your husband did was objectively wrong. 8 weeks is barely past the newborn stage - a baby that tiny has to be with a parent all the time, for safety. They cannot be left to cry in a dark room. It's dangerous. There is no justifying it, no argument about who is right or wrong. It is wrong and you have to protect your baby.

Your DH can be defensive all he likes. You need to impress upon him that this is not acceptable and he cannot do it. Ever.

Blimey, how old are you? Milton sterilisers became widespread in the 1940s.

As everyone else on this thread is saying, there is a right and a wrong on this and he is wrong. However, in the past mothers were advised to leave babies crying. He is probably subconsciously (?) aware of this and doesnt see the problem. He needs to respect you and make a proper effort to do a proper job. Or ltb

I would be bossy too if my DH was this incompetent! Who puts an 8 week old in a room on their own with the doors shut?? This goes against all medical and health advice, and I hope you've told him that.

I would be livid. What if the baby had choked. Babies that young are supposed to be in the same room as parent/carer at all times. Who on earth shuts a tiny baby in a dark room by themselves. All they want is comfort. I couldn't get over that, I'm sorry. I'd never trust him on his own with the baby again.

Your husband sounds awful, at what point would he have checked, your baby could’ve died. No way should he have shut him in a dark room, what in earth is wrong with him? Dishwasher is secondary to this. He just doesn’t want you telling him what to do. I’d show him this thread

@safetyfirst1 He is using the baby to revenge you for things he doesn't like in his life.
Maybe he had no idea how hard its like to have a young baby and how it has impacted his life. Maybe he is jealous of you and how tied you are to baby. Maybe he thinks it is your job to look after baby and cause minimal disturbance to him in the process. Maybe he gets annoyed when sex isnt on tap and he isnt getting attention from you. Maybe he thinks all house chores belong to women and they should not be bothered with that stuff. And he sees you and baby as a unit. So he uses baby to cause you distress and make sure you are not happy (or rested) either.

Many men think like this. It's awful to realise, but its so common. Men want children like kids want pets.

He's deliberately harming your baby so you learn never to ask him to do a fair share of the childcare. It's horrible.

Leaving a distressed baby for twenty minutes isn't a "parenting difference", it's clearly unsafe. What if the baby had choked? Does he understand about attachment and child development?

The real question is why he feels more comfortable letting the baby get highly distressed than having to do a little bit of washing up? That isn't the behaviour of a parent who's bonded with their child.