To think my DH’s approach to crying baby was completely wrong?

[safetyfirst1]

Looking for some perspective here as I’m doubting myself. This happened last night and I can’t shake the feeling that it was wrong, but DH says I’m being critical of his parenting.

We have a young baby. I’d put bottles in the dishwasher to clean them before going to bed and told DH where they were so he could sterilise them after.

I was trying to sleep but could hear baby crying downstairs. The crying went on a while, initially because DH keeps saying I’m bossing him about I decided to leave him to handle things and tried to sleep, but I couldn’t as it was so loud and then it started sounding different - more distressed than usual. Despite DH always telling me I’m “bossy” about baby care, I eventually couldn’t ignore my instincts and went down to check.

When I got downstairs, I found DH walking toward the dining room (a room we rarely use). Baby was in there, pitch black doors closed, with white noise on. When I asked what was happening, I went in and found baby had been sick and was absolutely beside himself crying. Baby calmed down almost immediately when I picked him up.

DH’s explanation: The steriliser takes 7 minutes, dishwasher had 10 minutes left and was just waiting for them to finish (even though anyone knows you can stop a dishwasher and my DH is a very intelligent problem solver generally). He then said because I couldn’t be bothered to wash them manually, neither could he which is why he let the dishwasher finish?! He then said he put baby in the dining room because of our cats being in the living room and it was quieter as he didn’t want it to wake me up. He also said he’d been trying to soothe baby for ages before putting him in there.

What I didn’t understand is why not stop the dishwasher and take them out rather than leave the dishwasher to completely finish? Waiting for them meant leaving the baby almost 20 minutes crying hysterically.

When I gently brought this up this morning, saying I wouldn’t have done it that way, he got defensive and said he’s “fed up” of me criticising his parenting and that “babies cry, it’s not an issue to leave them crying sometimes, some babies have colic and cry for hours”. Also that the cry didn’t sound more distressed it was the same as any other cry (which being primary caregiver on mat leave I know this is NOT the case).

AIBU to think this was wrong? Should I have just left him to handle it his way? I feel like I can’t raise concerns about baby’s care without being told I’m being critical, but something about this felt really off to me.

WWYD? Am I overreacting or were my instincts right?

Any advice for others that have had situations like this post natal?

Obviously leaving a small baby to cry for 20 minutes is not acceptable, but just wanted to point out that fathers can get postpartum depression also. This could be part of the problem with defensiveness etc.

Leaving an eight week old baby to cry for 20 minutes is really damaging, it will cause massive cortisol spikes which is terrible for them at such a young age, he is wrong

Your husband is wrong and his actions were dangerous. Your baby could have died. As he's still being obnoxious about it this morning and isn't sorry at all, you need to prioritise the baby's safety. Plus your husband sounds like a controlling pig anyway. Have you got somewhere safe to go with your baby?

I do not have children but when I hear one of my nephews cry I don’t ignore them for 20 minutes. I don’t leave them alone in distress in dark rooms, when they’re hungry I feed them and when they’re distressed I comfort them.

It has got nothing to do with him not carrying a baby and everything to do with him being a neglectful arsehole who was clearly trying to punish the baby for crying with some sort of war of wills.

I only read the OP and my heart broke for that tiny baby. FFS. You carry on your “bossing” OP.

No sorry OP that is awful on your husband's part. If mine had done the same to ours at 8 weeks (or at all) I would be horrified and furious. He has done some idiotic things and I certainly don't tiptoe around him asking to be shown how to do things. Stand up for yourself and your baby. You are your baby's protector, including from dad if need be. if you're scared to stand up to him then there’s a bigger problem.

Get a cold water steriliser. I know they are thought of as old fashioned but the bottles float around and and nearly always ready to use. Easy too 😊

you wouldn't do that to an animal let alone a child. and if the bottle genuinely could not be used (but I don't see why not) then you pick the baby up and soothe them. I have never had kids although used to look after my niece and nephew and even I know that..... I am thinking that this could be thought of as abusive....has he shown abusive or borderline behaviour before?

I would be absolutely furious if my DH did that!! What an absolute arsehole. Firstly for just leaving your tiny baby to cry alone and secondly for his disgusting reaction when you pointed out how wrong he was! Why on earth didn’t he at least hold and comfort the poor baby while he was waiting for the bottles? Or use one of the ready made bottles?! It’s horrific behaviour. There’s no way you should be made to feel like you’re in the wrong here!

Rubbish. Who do we set the bar so low for men? Mine shared everything equally and was just as tuned into our babies as me, often more.

OP, what he did was totally unacceptable and you know that.

You might want to tighten up your bottle admin though. We made the bottles in advance (no, it's not. What the NHS suggest, with the WHO say it safe and that's good enough for me), so there was always one ready to go at the back of the fridge. When you use your penultimate one, make up the next batch whether that be six or whatever. You're never in the position of waiting for a bottle then, ever. Saying that if he's such an incompetent idiots can even be trusted to heat it up right?

Don't take my posts as me thinking you are to blame for this, more that he's not going to accept any criticism or suggestions, so it's sadly up to you.

There were ready to feed bottles available, as per the OPs post at 10:13 so that option was easily available to the DH, that's what they are there for.

Oh bless him, he's still tiny. Your husband was in the wrong and very stupid, especially as your baby had vomited, poor little chap.

He needs to learn to parent adequately so he can be trusted. You were quite right to point out how wrong he was but he obviously doesn't like that, hence his defensiveness. Tell him to grow up!

That is putting it politely.

Agree DH is wrong in this instance. I will just add that the early days of parenthood are awful and it’s into uncommon for new fathers to feel pushed out and not good enough when seeing the bond between their newborn and mother- when we have an innate ability to know what our babies need and hot to do it best- no excuse but it’s common. Perhaps he’s feeling like this and inadequate and the defensiveness is trying to assert him self.

I would prob come at it from this angle about how difficult parenting can be and you know it must be hard for him perhaps not yet having such a strong bond? Reassure him it will come but you have to work together to find parenting methods that work for you both, and leaving them to cry (until much older) isn’t recommended- you’re both still learning so being supportive will reduce his need for defensiveness.

yeah.....I am kind of not convinced by the innate ability thing.

seems to me that maybe your DH is bored by the 'chore' of having to comfort a small baby and just decided to ignore it. At 8 weeks your poor little thing is still in the 'fourth trimester', barely out of the womb. My DH (no saint, just a normal human parent) would never, ever, have left either of our kids alone crying for a second longer than the time it took to rush to them. and 8 weeks is plenty time enough to have mastered the knack of doing everything one handed. Sure, sometimes you can't stop a baby from crying but you HOLD THEM WHILE THEY DO IT so that you are at least trying your best to figure out the problem (are they hungry? windy? tired? etc).

If he genuinely believes (and I suspect he doesn't) that this is somehow 'better' parenting, get him some literature on the damage that not comforting newborn babies can do. there are plenty of studies.

Crying so long they were sick??

No reason. No excuse

Really terrible parenting.

Your baby is still very small

Yes, he was out of line for leaving the baby to cry for so long.

but… you have an 8 week old, youre both knackered and finding your feet. If I was you I would have a calm chat that you don’t want the baby left to cry, explain where the ready to feed bottles are to avoid it in future, and move on. Your relationship is going to be tested during this first year of having a baby, like never before. You need to navigate stuff like this. I very much doubt he’s a monster who wants to leave a baby in a dangerous situation in distress. I expect he’s a sleep deprived new dad who is learning how to parent, and he’s made a mistake.

Lucky you

We paced the floor for hours

Breastfeeding doesn't cure everything

Who watches their baby sleep? That’s why they are placed on their back in an empty cot, so they can’t choke on vomit.

That’s very sad. It’s possible baby was so distressed from crying that he vomited.

If a baby won’t stop crying it’s ok to put them down in a safe place and step out of the room for a few minutes to calm down but if there was another parent in the house I think the first port of call should be to let the other parent know that the baby won’t settle, he needed a break, and swap.

I think it sounds a bit suspicious and callous to put the baby in a separate room and ‘drown them out’ with white noise.

If the dishwasher wouldn’t have finished for another 10 mins what was he doing that prevented him from sitting in the dark room with his baby?! You can’t sleep train an 8week old, they are barely out of the fourth trimester! (Sleep training isn’t great anyway because the baby still has the same level of cortisol from distress but just learns that no one will respond to their cries)

Id be keeping a vigilant eye on if this was a one off selfish spur of the moment event or an indication of potential future neglect.

Could you speak to your health visitor about the 'differences' in parenting styles so that she can educate your husband that he is a neglectful twat who would have ignored a choking baby, because he thought he knew better! It's quite shocking to read this, OP, and I think you could do with some support, and at least get this incident on record somewhere, just incase his shitty behaviour escalates. Having a baby can sometimes be an event where men start become abusive towards their partner and sometimes the baby. I think his attitude towards you since giving birth and the awful treatment towards your child needs to be monitored. Perhaps have a think about what support you have or might need if his behaviour worsens.

Right. All this talk of bottles is absurd—there were other bottles available the dh hust chise not to look for them or use them. In addition, somewhat obviously, babies cry for lots of reasons: hungry, tired, anxious, wet, gassy—only one of these requires a bottle at all. The rest require ricking and soothing. The DH acted out angrily and spitefully towards a helpless 8 week old.

Of course there are times you have to leave a baby to cry - when you're making a bottle/ having a shower/ eating food / changing them but they want held / when they've been crying for hours and nothing you do helps them and you just really really need a break

But its not clear why he left the baby alone to cry. Your baby was distressed and your husband doesn't seem to care, and would rather be in a different room to the baby? Just doesn't add up or sound like it's anything similar to any other scenario where people usually leave their babies to cry. Yes picking the baby up wouldn't get food any faster but it would have made the baby a lot calmer. He is really not acting in a way that most people would in this scenario. If he won't listen to you then I'd ask if you want to approach the health visitor together for some advice to get an outside perspective on whether you're too interfering or whether he is making some decisions that aren't in the baby's best interests

Yes, difficult not to respond to this. It’s great that breastfeeding was easy for you, however every mum
and baby are different and are doing what is right for them.