To think my DH’s approach to crying baby was completely wrong?

[safetyfirst1]

Looking for some perspective here as I’m doubting myself. This happened last night and I can’t shake the feeling that it was wrong, but DH says I’m being critical of his parenting.

We have a young baby. I’d put bottles in the dishwasher to clean them before going to bed and told DH where they were so he could sterilise them after.

I was trying to sleep but could hear baby crying downstairs. The crying went on a while, initially because DH keeps saying I’m bossing him about I decided to leave him to handle things and tried to sleep, but I couldn’t as it was so loud and then it started sounding different - more distressed than usual. Despite DH always telling me I’m “bossy” about baby care, I eventually couldn’t ignore my instincts and went down to check.

When I got downstairs, I found DH walking toward the dining room (a room we rarely use). Baby was in there, pitch black doors closed, with white noise on. When I asked what was happening, I went in and found baby had been sick and was absolutely beside himself crying. Baby calmed down almost immediately when I picked him up.

DH’s explanation: The steriliser takes 7 minutes, dishwasher had 10 minutes left and was just waiting for them to finish (even though anyone knows you can stop a dishwasher and my DH is a very intelligent problem solver generally). He then said because I couldn’t be bothered to wash them manually, neither could he which is why he let the dishwasher finish?! He then said he put baby in the dining room because of our cats being in the living room and it was quieter as he didn’t want it to wake me up. He also said he’d been trying to soothe baby for ages before putting him in there.

What I didn’t understand is why not stop the dishwasher and take them out rather than leave the dishwasher to completely finish? Waiting for them meant leaving the baby almost 20 minutes crying hysterically.

When I gently brought this up this morning, saying I wouldn’t have done it that way, he got defensive and said he’s “fed up” of me criticising his parenting and that “babies cry, it’s not an issue to leave them crying sometimes, some babies have colic and cry for hours”. Also that the cry didn’t sound more distressed it was the same as any other cry (which being primary caregiver on mat leave I know this is NOT the case).

AIBU to think this was wrong? Should I have just left him to handle it his way? I feel like I can’t raise concerns about baby’s care without being told I’m being critical, but something about this felt really off to me.

WWYD? Am I overreacting or were my instincts right?

Any advice for others that have had situations like this post natal?

Controlled crying is very good for the baby and helps them self soothe. I did it with all four of my children and I genuinely don't understand why people are so against it.

BUT...what I am against is doing it when you know your child is poorly. Sounds like DH didnt want to deal with the sick.
Thank god your lad didnt choke on his own vomit

Controlled crying is absolutely not okay for an 8 week old, that is universally accepted. The baby was likely not ‘poorly’ but vomited from crying so hard and for so long. It’s cruel, through and through.

I must have misread this i thought it said 8 months at first
But god no, i didnt start controlled crying with mine until the 6 month mark

At that point that wasnt controlled crying from dh and just straightup neglect

The reason to log it with your GP and Health Visitor is to log the abuse of an 8 week old baby, not for him to be persuaded.

They undoubtedly would contact SS so you could be supported.

Unfortunately you are very vulnerable and are determined to bend yourself out of shape to excuse his abuse of the baby.

Poor mite.
At least tell you parents and close friends so yoi can be supported.

Not with an 8 week old baby ffs!

Neglect rather than abuse, I suppose. Either puts the baby’s life in danger though.

I will add DH made it clear he was not sleep training he purely was trying to not wake me up with the crying and didn’t see the point in the crying being in the same room as him as the baby would have cried either way until he made the bottle and there is nothing wrong with babies crying for 15-20 minutes.

he said he didn’t do it because he was tired he genuinely didn’t think it was an issue

he didn’t realise the baby had been sick until I went in and picked the baby up.

he genuinely doesn’t see the issue in a baby crying for tins duration of time. He said with hindsight he would have got a ready to feed bottle and that as the baby had been fed only 1-2 hours prior was unsure if baby was even hungry. To which my argument is I do see where he is coming from work that BUT surely leaving baby alone would have come AFTER giving him some food and seeing if he wanted it, as he’d made the decision to feed the baby so surely you would soothe the baby until bottle is ready unless bottles was taking three or four minutes which it wasn’t it was taking closer to 20 minutes!!

he started fixing one of our appliances as said he may aswell make himself useful at the same time.

i just have no idea where to go with all this my brain is fried

Also add in baby is nine weeks not that it makes a big difference but when I pointed he’s newborn his response was not really.

@SupposesRoseswhen I said baby could have cooked he said babies choke on objects not spot when lying down. To which of course I had to google and I found risks are opening they are in their back but still there

@safetyfirst1 Love, you're trying to explain your valid reasoning to him. And then you try to explain his 'point of view' or different way of thinking to us.

He KNOWS what he did,and why he did it. He KNOWS he shouldn't have, but he enjoys winding you up. That's the whole point. To wind you up.

My exh was exactly the same. I had to Google, explain and rationalise why a newborn needed a car seat! He said holding him was fine. Its fine. You're being a know-it-all..

It is so hard to believe they know what they're saying and doing, but its not innocent. Every other grown up understands these basic things. They do too. They just pretend not to.

OP, he knows exactly what he is doing.
You feel like you are going mad from the stress of not wanting to upset him, be super sensitive to his needs, not be bossy, constantly explaining again and again stuff that he pretends not to know.

He knows well.
You are in a highly abusive relationship with a man that is tormenting and terrorising you.

You are so confused because you cannot understand why he would do this.

Laughing at you being upset at him potentially hurting his baby?

You are refusing to accept just how nasty, abusive and deliberate this all is.

Laughing at potentially hurting a new born is so fxcked up and psycho behaviour.

You are deliberately keeping this from family, and professionals because deep down you know that this isn't right.

He is a really bad man.
He is deliberately upsetting you, winding you up, upsetting you, at your most vulnerable.
You poor woman.

When you are finally prepared to accept this, call Women's aid for a chat and then go from there.

Tell your best friends and family.
Do not give up work.
Do not get pregnant again.
Protect yourself.
Read about Narcissistic behaviour.
Read about DARVO.
Read about The boiled frog.

Educate yourself.
Then protect yourself by seeking support.
I'm so sorry you are being put through this.

This is so fucked up. It’s honestly really distressing to read.

What is wrong with him?! Does he have no empathy? Does he have some sort of personality disorder? Has he not bonded with the baby at ALL? How could you possibly think leaving a tiny baby alone to cry for twenty bloody minutes is ok?! While the poor little thing is getting more and more upset to the point of vomiting? Just awful. To think he was just calmly ignoring that and fixing a coffee machine is chilling, honestly.

Not to mention the head “patting”, which would have absolutely been the last straw for me.

If you won’t leave him and report him, can you at least both attend some parenting classes together? To learn about why it’s so important to respond to your baby, about developing a secure attachment etc?

@safetyfirst1Only just seeing your reply to me now. He sounds exactly like one of my exes…contrary for the sake of it. It will drive you mad trying to reason with someone like that, because they don’t care about logic or what’s best, or your wellbeing, only about their ego. Was he like this before your baby was born?
If it’s a new thing brought on by the stresses of parenthood it might be fixable but if it’s just who he is generally then it will only get worse as baby grows, the demands get more and you have to make more decisions. I can’t imagine trying to co parent with someone like this, it is as you say exhausting.

PROTECT YOUR BABY