To think my DH’s approach to crying baby was completely wrong?

[safetyfirst1]

Looking for some perspective here as I’m doubting myself. This happened last night and I can’t shake the feeling that it was wrong, but DH says I’m being critical of his parenting.

We have a young baby. I’d put bottles in the dishwasher to clean them before going to bed and told DH where they were so he could sterilise them after.

I was trying to sleep but could hear baby crying downstairs. The crying went on a while, initially because DH keeps saying I’m bossing him about I decided to leave him to handle things and tried to sleep, but I couldn’t as it was so loud and then it started sounding different - more distressed than usual. Despite DH always telling me I’m “bossy” about baby care, I eventually couldn’t ignore my instincts and went down to check.

When I got downstairs, I found DH walking toward the dining room (a room we rarely use). Baby was in there, pitch black doors closed, with white noise on. When I asked what was happening, I went in and found baby had been sick and was absolutely beside himself crying. Baby calmed down almost immediately when I picked him up.

DH’s explanation: The steriliser takes 7 minutes, dishwasher had 10 minutes left and was just waiting for them to finish (even though anyone knows you can stop a dishwasher and my DH is a very intelligent problem solver generally). He then said because I couldn’t be bothered to wash them manually, neither could he which is why he let the dishwasher finish?! He then said he put baby in the dining room because of our cats being in the living room and it was quieter as he didn’t want it to wake me up. He also said he’d been trying to soothe baby for ages before putting him in there.

What I didn’t understand is why not stop the dishwasher and take them out rather than leave the dishwasher to completely finish? Waiting for them meant leaving the baby almost 20 minutes crying hysterically.

When I gently brought this up this morning, saying I wouldn’t have done it that way, he got defensive and said he’s “fed up” of me criticising his parenting and that “babies cry, it’s not an issue to leave them crying sometimes, some babies have colic and cry for hours”. Also that the cry didn’t sound more distressed it was the same as any other cry (which being primary caregiver on mat leave I know this is NOT the case).

AIBU to think this was wrong? Should I have just left him to handle it his way? I feel like I can’t raise concerns about baby’s care without being told I’m being critical, but something about this felt really off to me.

WWYD? Am I overreacting or were my instincts right?

Any advice for others that have had situations like this post natal?

Ok. So maybe going to get flamed....

Whilst what happened definitely isn't great I think DH is getting an awful lot of stick without maybe thinking of the other side.

You've both been through a huge life changing thing having a baby. Yes it's massive for you but will also affect him. I genuinely think DH just wasn't thinking straight (who does sleep deprived!) i feel like his trade of thought was

1. no clean bottle so need a clean bottle
2. I need to sterilise it first
3. baby is crying and will wake you up so hoping in other room won't wake you
4. in dark room baby might go back to sleep whilst I clean and sterilise bottle.

I'm not saying this is rational. It's not. Why he didn't pick baby up and comfort them
Or open dishwasher is anyone's guess. But he didn't.

I think you both need an honest conversation about how shit and hard it is right now. Lay some rules

1. he never leaves baby alone like that again - what could he have done differently
2. buy more bottles (we had about 12!!)
3. always have two fresh sterilised bottles to go. No matter how tired you are. That goes for both. We shared sleep like this and before the other went to bed me or DH we made sure the other had fresh supply of nappies wipes clothes bottles formula anything to make it easier. Drink and snacks etc.

My DH once left my 3 month old outside a public toilet block on his own whilst he went to the toilet as the pram didn't fit in the cubicle. Less than a great decision but we then talked about what he should have done in that situation and he hasn't done it again since.

It's really hard and you're both doing a an amazing job but try not to get into the blame game or who is more tired etc. accept you both feel shit and tired and scared and confused and amazed but how can you be a team. You've got this!

@Lourdes12 DFOD the least helpful comment

@oustedbymymate he told OP he refused to give the baby a bottle to spite the OP ('because I couldn’t be bothered to wash them manually, neither could he') and there were plenty of ready to feed bottles available, he just chose to leave the newborn in distress and alone.
That's not amazing.

Try getting the bottles washed before bed (even just hand wash one and put the rest in the dishwasher before going to sleep). Also use ready to feed or fridge method if it makes night time feeds easier.

But no, 100% your husband is a douchebag. You do not leave a newborn alone to cry (unless you are at snapping point and it’s for their safety). Baby was probably terrified, the poor little thing.

Miscalculations happen. We’ve all been there, thinking we had more time to make a bottle than we did, but that’s when you are desperately making a bottle one handed whilst trying to rock/soothe the baby with the other. You don’t leave them alone in the dark to cry for who knows how long.

Babies DO cry, but they should not cry alone (unless there are very, very good reasons).

ETA: Just seen this was deliberate and not just a miscalculation. He’s an abusive tw*t. He’d be out on his arse if he was mine.

Your “D”H sounds like a grade A bellend and I wouldn’t be explaining anything kindly but packing his bags. He’s a danger to your baby through his negligence and obviously can’t be trusted. And he probably knows this, which is why he’s so defensive.
The bottles/dishwasher thing is irrelevant, you never leave a baby this young unattended even if they’re happy, let alone if they’re crying, they can choke so easily if they vomit.

I don’t really understand the whole situation - so he’s waiting for the dishwasher to finish, why does that mean the baby has to be in another room? He could’ve still checked on him, picked him up?
At this age DD was always in a Moses basket in the same room we were in, whatever we were doing.
Also, at 8 weeks PP my DH took care of me, was always on hand to help with baby but respected my views and let me take the lead.
Your body is still recovering and your hormones are all over the place, your “D”H should be treating you with kindness and looking after you, not telling you you’ve “loaded the dishwasher like an idiot”.
I wouldn’t be surprised if this is just the tip of the iceberg, he sounds abusive.

I would seriously be thinking the relationship.

Just leave him op, you'll save yourself and your poor baby a lot of extra abuse in the long run.

Don’t let someone talk to you like this OP, just don’t, and don’t play into allowing him to show you what is ‘right’. Don’t stand for it because if you do it will only get worse.

I’m not saying LTB (yet) but I would be having a stern conversation, you are not nagging him, he doesn’t just get to do whatever he wants with an 8 week old baby and he doesn’t get to play passive aggressive games about ‘who left which bottle where’

I must say you have quite the self control because I would not let anyone talk to me like that, ever.

"Crying is the only way babies communicate" is such a dangerous myth.

Babies have dozens of cues that are universal. There are great YouTube videos showing different cries and cues such as tongue thrusting, leg kicking etc.

OK I’ve read enough. This is not about where the bottles were or types of cries and who can hear the difference. This man was incredibly cruel and neglectful and I would go so far as to say put your tiny infant son’s life at risk. And for what? Some kind of oneupmanship?

If he had blamed it on sleep deprivation and apologised profusely and promised it would never happen again then maybe, just maybe he might be forgiven sometime this century. But arguing the toss? Refusing to accept blame? Where do you possibly go from here?

Clearly he cannot be left in charge of your son at all. Neither is it reasonable for you to have to raise your son single handed because his father is a monster lacking in human empathy. To me, the wrath of hell would descend on this man until he accepted just what he had done and if he would not then I would be divorcing him. Treating his wife poorly is one thing but a defenceless newborn? Hell no.

This poor little mite is only 8 weeks old. He is completely helpless. Your excuse of an H is bullying a tiny baby. What else does he do when you are not looking? You MUST protect your baby.
He'd been sick, he was clearly terrified and a grown man did this to him.
How fo you know he won't shake him or leave him to choke on his own vomit again.
Stop being diplomatic, tell him to get the fuck out.

Yanbu 8 week old babies shouldn't be left alone to cry it out their to young the only time I would find this acceptable is when their is only one adult in the house and they need to step away to calm themselves down.

Your baby is 8 weeks old and he intentionally left him alone, in the dark, distressed - that cry is unbearable and he should have recognised it - but it sounds like he was intentionally ignoring it, to show you how it’s done.

He sounds horrible, cold and uncaring to me. I’d have got up as soon as I heard that cry.

Incredibly cruel and neglectful

Please talk to your GP or health visitor about this. You cannot ignore it @safetyfirst1 . This man is not safe to have your baby in his care.

I agree with this. What he did wasn't great, but I also think it is likely he wasn't thinking straight. Sometimes it is hard to think when a baby is screaming. It's bloody hard when they are this little.

Also to add, sometimes you do need to put the baby down and knowing when to do this is very important in some instances when people feel they might snap. It's also dramatic to say that the baby could have choked or died.... when you can hear them screaming like that their lungs are functioning just fine!

Having said all of the above, his attitude does need to change pronto.

@LowDownBoyStandUpGuy I had to stay really calm about it because we would get into a blazing row, and then what happens is he focuses on me losing my cool to detract from the issue. We’ve been there before with other issues, so I’ve had to work on my anger management for this reason.

When I brought it up the next day, he said I can’t keep criticizing how he looks after his son, otherwise I’ll end up doing it on my own. I know this is where it may lead, so I’m trying to be diplomatic, as another poster pointed out.

Because of the “bossy” label he keeps giving me, I didn’t even say “don’t do that again.” I said, “When you left him crying, I would have done it another way—that’s all I’m saying.” This made him come out with the above, and he said we can parent differently and shouldn’t be telling each other what to do when looking after the baby.

It’s virtually impossible, so he’s basically saying we should leave each other to do things our own way and not intervene.

This is creating a divide between us, and I am just finding it really hard.

As others pointed out it is less about what happened to an extent the bigger issue now is that after me pointing it out he has become so defensive and basically no apology no justification and it sounds like this will happen again, he certainly hasn’t said it won’t and stuck by the fact that babies cry and that’s that.

Could you maybe send him a link to an article about the dangers of leaving young babies to cry? Or leave a book lying around? Or get a health visitor to explain it to him?
He needs to learn how to look after a baby, he can’t just assume he knows best.

We are at a point where everything to do with parenting has to be googled, and unless scientists can show evidence for things, we can’t agree.

Even sometimes when I can find evidence supporting something, he still won’t always agree, and it leaves me thinking, “How did we get to this place?”

I even explained to him that I’m newly postpartum and hormones literally make me protective. Anything I suggest is only ever in the best interest of our son, so what’s the issue?

When he suggests things to me, I often go along with it. For example, in the dishwasher scenario in this situation, he said I’d packed the dishes like an idiot into the dishwasher so the small bottle teats had gone everywhere. My response was, “Show me how to do it differently then.” Why can’t he be as willing to learn and open?

The bottom line is I also think part of it is that he gets really annoyed that I use the dishwasher at all. He thinks it’s for lazy people, and I insisted we buy one before the baby was born as ours had been broken for years.

He hates that I use it because dishes stay in there for the day until it’s emptied, and sometimes I forget to empty it—not out of laziness, just genuinely forget they’re there.

He continues to wash by hand, and I honestly believe this was part of it. He’s always angry that I put bottles in the dishwasher, but this is only my suspicion—he didn’t say this.

@EdgarAllenRavenhonestly, I’m not sure it would prove anything but if anyone has any links I can try. I will also google later today when I’m less tired

@Talkwhilstyouwalkand @oustedbymymatein with you both to an extent. I looked up spit up and it does say it doesn’t cause death and is the reason babies are placed on their back but it doesn’t excuse this.

also, as you both point out it was his attitude after this was highlighted. There was no remote or explanation he whole heartedly stuck but his decision to do this and got angry I suggested I would have done the contrary. To me this is the issue. There’s no getting through.

also some posters asked what he was doing I believe he was fixing something in the kitchen or at least that’s how it looked when I came down - it was almost as though he’d given up as he tried soothing and that hadn’t worked.

If you’re on maternity leave and the babies eight weeks honest to goodness just do it all yourself and keep him out of it.
I used to allocate mine jobs away from the children that made my life easier but meant that it didn’t have any negative impact on them whatsoever
And then he would do things like Pat them to sleep
Which I doubt yours could be bothered to do but
You get the gist along those lines
The reason why you have maternity leave in the first six months is yours is because the reality of it is the babies do not want the big human that’s missing tits
They just don’t and it’s for their own safety

@ProfpuddingI do see your point - although I do most of it myself overnight he just does the 10pm feed and takes baby from 8pm to 1am for me to sleep and get ahead.

if I did all night wakings myself I really struggle.

Exactly this. But I think if I raised that he wasn’t acting the way most people would, he would probably say he isn’t most people 🤷‍♀️

The part you referenced here is what’s killing me about being postpartum and him treating me with kindness. Letting me take the lead is something he absolutely will not allow me to do. Sometimes he backs down, but not easily, and it’s led to him giving me this “bossy” title and saying I need to stop bossing him as it’s affecting our relationship.

It makes me sad that clearly he doesn’t care that being postpartum, I’m obviously going to be very protective, etc.

It’s like anything I do, he thinks is overreacting or silly. I even got the baby some wrist and ankle rattles, and he said, “Why did you do that? And he said Even the health visitor apparently said there’s no need to buy toys—they’re more interested in faces”—but this comment was approximately six weeks ago by the HV! He’s developed a lot since then, and I use the mat with him multiple times daily and feel he gets a little bored, so I wanted to make it more exciting.

DH has never once used the play mat, and I suggest it, but he doesn’t. This was another argument—he says the bouncers/chairs are fine for his development as he is still kicking, etc. I had to find articles and send them to him showing play mats are better as they move more freely. It’s exhausting.

Why would someone go against this though? I’m only clearly trying to do what’s best. What I’m suggesting is in no way harmful, so why the resistance?