To think my DH’s approach to crying baby was completely wrong?

[safetyfirst1]

Looking for some perspective here as I’m doubting myself. This happened last night and I can’t shake the feeling that it was wrong, but DH says I’m being critical of his parenting.

We have a young baby. I’d put bottles in the dishwasher to clean them before going to bed and told DH where they were so he could sterilise them after.

I was trying to sleep but could hear baby crying downstairs. The crying went on a while, initially because DH keeps saying I’m bossing him about I decided to leave him to handle things and tried to sleep, but I couldn’t as it was so loud and then it started sounding different - more distressed than usual. Despite DH always telling me I’m “bossy” about baby care, I eventually couldn’t ignore my instincts and went down to check.

When I got downstairs, I found DH walking toward the dining room (a room we rarely use). Baby was in there, pitch black doors closed, with white noise on. When I asked what was happening, I went in and found baby had been sick and was absolutely beside himself crying. Baby calmed down almost immediately when I picked him up.

DH’s explanation: The steriliser takes 7 minutes, dishwasher had 10 minutes left and was just waiting for them to finish (even though anyone knows you can stop a dishwasher and my DH is a very intelligent problem solver generally). He then said because I couldn’t be bothered to wash them manually, neither could he which is why he let the dishwasher finish?! He then said he put baby in the dining room because of our cats being in the living room and it was quieter as he didn’t want it to wake me up. He also said he’d been trying to soothe baby for ages before putting him in there.

What I didn’t understand is why not stop the dishwasher and take them out rather than leave the dishwasher to completely finish? Waiting for them meant leaving the baby almost 20 minutes crying hysterically.

When I gently brought this up this morning, saying I wouldn’t have done it that way, he got defensive and said he’s “fed up” of me criticising his parenting and that “babies cry, it’s not an issue to leave them crying sometimes, some babies have colic and cry for hours”. Also that the cry didn’t sound more distressed it was the same as any other cry (which being primary caregiver on mat leave I know this is NOT the case).

AIBU to think this was wrong? Should I have just left him to handle it his way? I feel like I can’t raise concerns about baby’s care without being told I’m being critical, but something about this felt really off to me.

WWYD? Am I overreacting or were my instincts right?

Any advice for others that have had situations like this post natal?

In this situation it’s fine to just make up the bottle without sterilising it, he should prioritise that. Sounds like he wasn’t coping. It’s weird and dangerous to shut baby in a dark room like that.

I could not trust him with the baby after that, he needs to see a therapist about his defensive nature to any discussion you have, it's toxic and very disrespectful to you.
What your husband did last night was cruel and not ok from any pov, please don't leave the baby with him again.

Never ignore your instincts when it comes to your child, especially one as defenceless as an 8 week old baby. Your husband sounds like a cruel arsehole. There’s doing things differently and then there’s neglect of an infant’s needs. I wouldn’t be trusting him alone with my baby until he acknowledges that what he did was unacceptable.

Shutting the baby in another room in the dark is really weird. You just don’t do that with an 8 week old, when you need to watch them. So on this front he is very unreasonable. I know sleep deprivation and a crying baby can be difficult but he needs to find ways of soothing the baby.

if your baby is quite demanding for a bottle and doesn’t like to wait then then be more organised with the bottles. My baby was like this and we hand washed the bottles and put them in Milton throughout the day and always had two ready to go. Because at 8 weeks they go through a lot of bottles! Can’t see the point of putting them through the dishwasher when hand washing is a 5 minute job. Maybe he felt you set him up to fail on that front, then the defensiveness comes on how he dealt with it? Maybe sit down and agree ways you can make things easier like always having nappies stocked, bottles ready, spare clothing and both take responsibility for helping each other

I might have misunderstood but is baby sleeping downstairs whilst you and DH sleep upstairs?

Your poor baby op. At 8 weeks, your DH should never have left the baby to cry like that. He did it because he couldn't be bothered to try to soothe the baby, whether through frustration/tiredness or just plain indifference. If he can't see that what he did was wrong, I'd be concerned about leaving him alone with the baby.

Men don’t have the maternal instinct that women have because they didn’t carry the baby. This is why i exclusively breastfed, no expressing or faffing around with bottles. I appreciate not everyone is able to breastfeed so baby needs to be held why you sort out bottles and milk. It sounds like things need to be better organised. When babies are hungry, they need to eat straight away not hang around and wait for milk and bottles

Your instincts were 100% correct - your baby was in need & your partner shut it in the dining room because he probably knew it had been sick & didn't want to hand wash the bottles

Pure laziness & I would rethink leaving my child alone with him

I can't see where it says that? OP was upstairs and the man dangerously neglected the infant.
@Lourdes12 presumably the OP cannot or doesn't want to feed her baby that way.

Breastfeeding as a way to prevent the husband from leaving to baby to vomit alone in distress isn't a great solution.

This is why exclusive breastfeeding is so good. We had no crying from the baby in the night As soon as they woke up, they were put on the breast while I remained in a semi sleep state, purped them and put them back down. Everyone went back to sleep straight away. This happened around 3-4 times at night, so easy

It sounds like he’s not got a very strong emotional attachment to your baby

I'd have been bloody livid and he'd never be looking after my baby again. He sounds like he really resents the baby and can't be trusted at all.

I would very much be contemplating a ltb here.
he’s a shit dad and his defensive behaviour will only get worse, you won’t be able to trust him when you go out etc which would be a deal breaker for me, what’s the point of a partner you can’t trust with his own baby.
use your mat leave to set yourself up without him

That was my reaction too!
You've just carried that baby for 9 months OP. He needs you more than his detached, bullying father for reasons that are pretty obvious from your post.
Never ignore a crying baby.

And the award for most unhelpful comment goes to.........

As someone who exclusively breastfed both my children for years, kindly STFU. What a sanctimonious, unhelpful and irrelevant comment.

One of the most worrying parts of this is that you clearly knew something wasn't ok with your baby and we're stopped from going downstairs by your worry about your dh's reaction.

That isn't normal, it isn't how people in supportive relationships feel. I hope you're ok.

You don’t need a maternal instinct, you just need some human empathy and some common sense. Both of which the DH seems to have missed out on.

Saying men cannot be expected to not leave infants to choke on vomit alone because they didn't gestate the infant is a diabolical take on bare minimum parenting.

He left your 8 week old baby in dark room crying to the point of being sick. The baby could have choked to death.

I'm sorry but that is an absolute disgrace and your DH is actually super cruel and neglectful!

If I came downstairs to see my husband had done that he'd wish he hadn't been born. You need to find some gumption.

I’m genuinely not trying to be dramatic here but all I could think of after reading your OP (& continually with your updates) was “this man is abusive” “this man is abusive”
I’ve been through similar with my DC’s father and it does not get better I’m afraid. Some men just aren’t good fathers and whilst many will happily learn as they go and eventually become decent fathers, some don’t. In my case I highly regret not seeing the warning signs earlier.
My advice is to write down every little niggle at the back of your mind, along with this incident and how he gets defensive at criticism etc - everything. Then after a while, go back and read it as though it was written by someone else to describe their own DH. I’m pretty confident it will hit home.

@MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannelAbsolute nonsense!
Also do you have any self awareness whatsoever?! Even if that were true (EBF babies are generally hungrier and grumpier babies!), in what world was your comment helpful to OP? Shameless bragging that any time your baby wanted attention you shoved your breast on him/her to shut them up?! Not helpful. At all.

I didn't make the comment about breastfeeding 🤔

DH was always an attentive father but he could never hear the different notes in dc’s crying.

Oh my good god. Your husband is a fucking moron.