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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask why people do this?

220 replies

PITCHpink · 05/06/2025 11:51

A friend and I arranged to meet on Saturday morning and she text me last saying “You still up for Saturday?” I said yes definitely bla bla….

She then says “Great, My friend Joanne is coming along too, you’ve met her and got on with her”

I’m so annoyed as it feels like she’s waited until I’ve confirmed and committed again and then springs this upon me. Joanne is nice but it changes the dynamics completely as I’ve only met her twice and don’t feel comfortable discussing personal stuff with someone I don’t know.

I can’t say ‘no don’t bring her’ or that I’m not coming now, because I’ll be the bad guy and the unsociable one. She’s done this in the past too and I find it so annoying. I’ve got other stuff to do, but I put that on the back burner to see her at a time that suits her and not me at all. She knows I’m not keen on her randomly inviting other people as last time she done it I said I’ll meet her a different time. I don’t think she was too impressed.

Why do people do this!? I wouldn’t dream of bringing one of my friends along randomly… so annoying

OP posts:
MooreMooreMoore · 05/06/2025 11:52

I was rather hoping to catch up - just us.

Wisterical · 05/06/2025 11:53

Of course you can say 'no don't bring her'.

Original poster
PITCHpink · 05/06/2025 11:55

Wisterical · 05/06/2025 11:53

Of course you can say 'no don't bring her'.

She’s already invited her 😱

OP posts:
5128gap · 05/06/2025 11:58

If you politely answer 'of course, no problem!' everytime she does this, rather than tell the truth, how is she to know not to keep doing it? You need to speak up. Preferably in advance next time as its going to be awkward for her to be uninvited now. Just say next time there's a plan 'do you mind if it's just us? I really like Joanne but it would be nice to catch up just the two of us'.

LoveSandbanks · 05/06/2025 11:59

I’m too old for this shit. I’d just respond with “I was hoping for a catch up with just the two of us. I’ll leave you and Joanne to this one, maybe we can set a date for another time”

Original poster
PITCHpink · 05/06/2025 12:00

5128gap · 05/06/2025 11:58

If you politely answer 'of course, no problem!' everytime she does this, rather than tell the truth, how is she to know not to keep doing it? You need to speak up. Preferably in advance next time as its going to be awkward for her to be uninvited now. Just say next time there's a plan 'do you mind if it's just us? I really like Joanne but it would be nice to catch up just the two of us'.

This is good advice and I’ll have to say it next time by the looks of it. Just wish I wasn’t put in this situation

OP posts:
Spirallingdownwards · 05/06/2025 12:00

Say: in that case I will duck out this time as you have someone else to keep you company as I do have other stuff I could do with catching up with. Would love a one to one catch up with just you soon though, how about (date that suits you (OP))?

zenae · 05/06/2025 12:00

I'd be raging quite honestly. I know it's easy for me to say, but I would bring my mum/granny/kids/other friend along too. Or have D+V an hour before the time to meet up.

You seem not to be able to stand up to her, and are worried about her reaction. She's not worried one bit about YOUR reaction to Joanne tagging along is she?

I don't like her from what you say.... manipulative I'd say. Nip that one quick.

IfIDid · 05/06/2025 12:00

PITCHpink · 05/06/2025 11:55

She’s already invited her 😱

Edited
Show quote history

Then you say ‘I like Joanne, but I barely know her. I’m going to let you two have fun together without me. Next time, I’d prefer it to be just us.’

Projectme · 05/06/2025 12:01

Of course you can say something this time. 'Sorry but I thought it would be just us two so I'm bailing out for Saturday. Let me know when you're free to catch up with just me'.

If you've said this before and she wasn't 'impressed', she'll get the message that you aren't 'impressed' when she invites randoms along...

TeenLifeMum · 05/06/2025 12:02

I’d say oh, how about you two meet and we can arrange a different time?

Original poster
PITCHpink · 05/06/2025 12:02

LoveSandbanks · 05/06/2025 11:59

I’m too old for this shit. I’d just respond with “I was hoping for a catch up with just the two of us. I’ll leave you and Joanne to this one, maybe we can set a date for another time”

You’re right! I’m sitting here annoyed and wish I had your mindset before I said yes because I didn’t want to be the awkward one. I am too old for this shit too

OP posts:
Original poster
PITCHpink · 05/06/2025 12:05

zenae · 05/06/2025 12:00

I'd be raging quite honestly. I know it's easy for me to say, but I would bring my mum/granny/kids/other friend along too. Or have D+V an hour before the time to meet up.

You seem not to be able to stand up to her, and are worried about her reaction. She's not worried one bit about YOUR reaction to Joanne tagging along is she?

I don't like her from what you say.... manipulative I'd say. Nip that one quick.

You’ve nailed it. I think she knew I wouldn’t be happy as when she’s done this in the past, I have bowed out and said ‘I’ll leave you to it and meet you another time’. Now she does it again 😐

OP posts:
Rhaidimiddim · 05/06/2025 12:06

PITCHpink · 05/06/2025 11:55

She’s already invited her 😱

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Just say - as another OP has suggested - "oh, in.that case, let's meet up another time. Just you and me." You say you've done it before; do itboften enough and she'll either get the message or you'll never meet up again.

And next time she texts to confirm" are you still on?" respondwith "is it still just the two of us?"

Your time is important, and you have a right to spend it as (and with the people) you want and not have someone else decide for you.

As to your question, why don't you ask your friend? Just a simple " why do youbalways invite other people slong, when you know I just want one-on-one time?"

My DD had the exact same problem with a relative she was keen on establishing a relationship with. It seemed the problem there was that the relative wasn't so keen, and brought other people along so that she had a friend there she did enjoy being with to share the load.

Titasaducksarse · 05/06/2025 12:07

I started to invite other friends to things when I found the other person too 'intense ' and found a 3rd party diluted the situation....

WearyAuldWumman · 05/06/2025 12:10

I've had worse. Friend did similar to me - brought her friend to lunch with us.

Subsequently, friend invited herself on a trip up to my late husband's old stomping ground. I hadn't been widowed for long at that point and had lost all resilience - I pointed out that the hotel wasn't the 4 star experience that she was used to. That was brushed off.

Thankfully, no date had been set. Next thing, the friend told me that her friend would also be coming...

Original poster
PITCHpink · 05/06/2025 12:11

Rhaidimiddim · 05/06/2025 12:06

Just say - as another OP has suggested - "oh, in.that case, let's meet up another time. Just you and me." You say you've done it before; do itboften enough and she'll either get the message or you'll never meet up again.

And next time she texts to confirm" are you still on?" respondwith "is it still just the two of us?"

Your time is important, and you have a right to spend it as (and with the people) you want and not have someone else decide for you.

As to your question, why don't you ask your friend? Just a simple " why do youbalways invite other people slong, when you know I just want one-on-one time?"

My DD had the exact same problem with a relative she was keen on establishing a relationship with. It seemed the problem there was that the relative wasn't so keen, and brought other people along so that she had a friend there she did enjoy being with to share the load.

Show quote history

That’s how I feel, my time is important
and I have got other things I could and should be doing. And your right I’m begrudged that she’d decided who I will be spending my time with and I’m not ok with that.

You’re right in that it would be an ideal solution for someone who wasn’t keen on one on one time but in this situation she makes me confirm I’m free then informs me someone else is coming so it’s hard for me to say oh I’m busy actually 😂

OP posts:
Koalafan · 05/06/2025 12:12

LoveSandbanks · 05/06/2025 11:59

I’m too old for this shit. I’d just respond with “I was hoping for a catch up with just the two of us. I’ll leave you and Joanne to this one, maybe we can set a date for another time”

This.

spoonbillstretford · 05/06/2025 12:13

I think I'd say OK this time but have a word with my mate after and explain that it changes the dynamic and is not acceptable really.

Original poster
PITCHpink · 05/06/2025 12:14

Titasaducksarse · 05/06/2025 12:07

I started to invite other friends to things when I found the other person too 'intense ' and found a 3rd party diluted the situation....

Totally get this and it could be that I guess, but she specifically asked me to meet first and I agreed.

OP posts:
dairydebris · 05/06/2025 12:14

Poor Joanne, maybe she needs a night out or a bit of company. I'd hate to think someone didn't want to spend time with me so much they'd rather cancel on their friend.

Of course its up to you and I do think you should cancel if you really dont fancy it... but its not very friendly is it?

SuzieBishop · 05/06/2025 12:16

"I was looking forward to spending time just the 2 of us so I'll catch you next time. Hope you and Joanne enjoy your evening."

Original poster
PITCHpink · 05/06/2025 12:17

dairydebris · 05/06/2025 12:14

Poor Joanne, maybe she needs a night out or a bit of company. I'd hate to think someone didn't want to spend time with me so much they'd rather cancel on their friend.

Of course its up to you and I do think you should cancel if you really dont fancy it... but its not very friendly is it?

Joanne is nice but I’m not interested in a new group and I’m just not that sociable

OP posts:
dairydebris · 05/06/2025 12:19

PITCHpink · 05/06/2025 12:17

Joanne is nice but I’m not interested in a new group and I’m just not that sociable

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Thats absolutely fair enough too, up to you, bit then do tell your friend sounds she thinks twice about doing it again 😊

ConnieHeart · 05/06/2025 12:19

dairydebris · 05/06/2025 12:14

Poor Joanne, maybe she needs a night out or a bit of company. I'd hate to think someone didn't want to spend time with me so much they'd rather cancel on their friend.

Of course its up to you and I do think you should cancel if you really dont fancy it... but its not very friendly is it?

What her friend has done (on purpose) isn't very friendly either

OP, you already committed to meeting friend but only when it was the 2 of you. There are really good suggestions here on how you could word it if you really don't want to go (abd I wouldn't blame you at all)

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