To ask why people do this?

[PITCHpink]

A friend and I arranged to meet on Saturday morning and she text me last saying “You still up for Saturday?” I said yes definitely bla bla….

She then says “Great, My friend Joanne is coming along too, you’ve met her and got on with her”

I’m so annoyed as it feels like she’s waited until I’ve confirmed and committed again and then springs this upon me. Joanne is nice but it changes the dynamics completely as I’ve only met her twice and don’t feel comfortable discussing personal stuff with someone I don’t know.

I can’t say ‘no don’t bring her’ or that I’m not coming now, because I’ll be the bad guy and the unsociable one. She’s done this in the past too and I find it so annoying. I’ve got other stuff to do, but I put that on the back burner to see her at a time that suits her and not me at all. She knows I’m not keen on her randomly inviting other people as last time she done it I said I’ll meet her a different time. I don’t think she was too impressed.

Why do people do this!? I wouldn’t dream of bringing one of my friends along randomly… so annoying

I can empathise with this OP. I struggle with boundaries/saying no to friends, but as someone once told me 'We teach peolle how we want to be treated.'

It doesn't need to be a confrontation if you bring this up with her. Could you maybe say something along the lines of 'I was looking forward to catching up with you so was a little surprised when you invited XX. Is there a reason you invited her?'

Which sounds a bit pass agg, but you get the gist!

It may be she's having some money trouble and is trying to consolidate social occasions.

As someone else has said, she maybe has no idea this annoys/upsets you, so might carry on doing it until you bring it up.

Good luck.

This is awful!

I'd make an excuse on the day and not go. And if she did it again, I'd do the same again BUT not bother arranging to see her a 3rd time. I'd just let her quietly drop.

It's not too late to say you were expecting it to be the two of you and you think you'll give it a miss this time? What's the big deal - just tell her no and rearrange even if you already said yes?

JUST FUCK OFF JOANNE
😆

Seriously though I'd hate to be the Joanne in this who no doubt was assured it would be fine. That's another reason why I hate when people do this, it can create a negative view of the extra person through absolutely no fault of their own, especially when it's moving from 2 to 3. The dynamic they bring to the table is being examined without their knowledge. It's not fair.

Op already says her friend is aware of her not liking it. Money troubles does cut it either as there are plenty of things to do that cost very little or are free, like a walk etc

I just had this happen to me. Myself and a friend are going to an event and have meal booked and a hotel booked for Saturday. Tickets bought and hotel paid for.Just rang me to say she has invited the friend and her husband to the meal. I have not meet either of these people. So annoying.

Okay, calm down! Just sharing my thoughts.

Not sure why you think I'm not already calm 🤔

situation she makes me confirm I’m free then informs me someone else is coming so it’s hard for me to say oh I’m busy actually

I think you're looking at this wrong. You're not suddenly announcing you're busy. You're saying politely but honestly that you were looking forward to x event but if it's goign to be Y event then actually, you'll choose to do something else.

I think the analogy upthread is a good one - if the band you were goign to see announced they were NOT playing and some other band was playing, you'd be well within your rights to say that no, actually I don't fancy that. Another common version I thin can be costs - so a plan is made to meet up for a few drinks at the local and then someone in the group suggests converting to a three course meal at a fancy restaurant in the city. In which case it's perfectly okay to say, "sounds fab but not for me so you guys go ahead and we'll catch up another time.'

INcidentally, in the case of your friend and the person changing the arrangement Iv'e given, it's the person making the original change who is rude. Not th eperson declining.

I have a beloved friend who has form for this. I am fairly certain she has ADHD and she is terribly time blind and spreads herself insanely thin. So what starts as “yes we will meet in John Lewis and spend the day Christmas shopping and then go for dinner at The Ivy” becomes “James is coming too because he needs to pop into town and he would love to see you and also my aunt lives near the Ivy so I’ve said we can drop in there and then my Brice will come out with us for dinner.” To her they are micro changes but of course it changes all the dynamics and in a lot of cases we would need another 12 hours in the day for it to actually occur.

I have had to be very firm about boundaries and why all this pisses me off and to her credit she was horrified at how she hadn’t thought of it from my point of view. She loves meeting everyone and assumes everyone is the same. I have to remind her that I’m the introverted mate…

100% this reply xx

I would assume your friend doesn't want to meet up just the two of you. It's problematic for sure. Do you really really like and value this friend? I might be inclined to let it drift.

I would go back and say oh sorry I thought it was just the two of us, I am not comfortable discussing stuff in front of someone I hardly know, and as you know I swapped something so I could meet you. So will give it a miss this time, and hopefully see you at some point in the future let me know when you are free

then leave it in her hands

I’d sing a parody of the Holliies’ song ‘Sorry Suzanne’ but the last line would be

“im really sorry Joanne…” 🎶🎵🎶

you get the gist ..

I think this is a great example of two good friends, who have equally good intentions but very different perspectives and preferences, managing to have a grown-up, respectful discussion about a point of friction in their relationship and sorting it out without any drama or tit-for-tat behaviour.

Honestly, if two people are both basically decent people and good, considerate friends who value one another, it really shouldn't be hard to sort out. It will only cause drama if one or both of the friends is in fact not a good friend at all.

I do like her but I can’t be bothered with this shit. I get that could be a reason in some situations, but I don’t understand why you would ask to meet someone then wait until they say yes, then tell them you’ve invited someone else. Just don’t ask to meet them in the first place if you don’t want to meet them. Easier all around 😂

Do you think that perhaps she has done the same thing to Joanne? Arranged to meet up with her and got her to confirm that then said "Oh my friend PITCHpink is coming along too"?

Perhaps Joanne feels exactly the same as you do? I'd definitely leave them to it and make it clear next time that you would prefer it's just the two of you.

Gosh I think you might be spot on @WordsFailMeYetAgain both friends were due a catch up, both live nearby so she thinks why not kill two birds with one stone and meet them together.

I think perhaps Joanne has asked her what she’s up to and she’s said I’m meeting (whatever my username is 😂) and said join us if you like or Joanne has asked to come along (My friend doesn’t have much spare time so it’s killing two birds with one stone)

I just wish she’d have given me a
heads up so I could say no because I fee now I look like I’m flakey, when in fact she’s put me in this situation.

But you don't get to decide for other people

I'd text back - 'Why?'

You’re right! I’m sitting here annoyed and wish I had your mindset before I said yes because I didn’t want to be the awkward one. I am too old for this shit too

OP, you’re allowed to change your mind.