To ask why people do this?

[PITCHpink]

A friend and I arranged to meet on Saturday morning and she text me last saying “You still up for Saturday?” I said yes definitely bla bla….

She then says “Great, My friend Joanne is coming along too, you’ve met her and got on with her”

I’m so annoyed as it feels like she’s waited until I’ve confirmed and committed again and then springs this upon me. Joanne is nice but it changes the dynamics completely as I’ve only met her twice and don’t feel comfortable discussing personal stuff with someone I don’t know.

I can’t say ‘no don’t bring her’ or that I’m not coming now, because I’ll be the bad guy and the unsociable one. She’s done this in the past too and I find it so annoying. I’ve got other stuff to do, but I put that on the back burner to see her at a time that suits her and not me at all. She knows I’m not keen on her randomly inviting other people as last time she done it I said I’ll meet her a different time. I don’t think she was too impressed.

Why do people do this!? I wouldn’t dream of bringing one of my friends along randomly… so annoying

Most people don’t invite strangers to a pre-arranged catch up. No mix up, no misunderstanding, just rude really. End of.

I know you think it’s perfectly acceptable and that’s fair enough, but MOST people don’t see it as such and so it as surprise (not in a good way) when you find yourself in that situation. The minority would say it’s great it’s sociable etc… The majority would say it’s rude.

We’re not compatible on this situation in the same way you and I aren’t. Again, it comes down the assumption that it shouldn’t need to be explained, just don’t invite strangers to things. It’s lacking social etiquette.

Wouldn’t be meeting her again, with or without friends. I think I’d wake up with a cold too 🤧

I agree with you.

I made the mistake of going along with it when my friend did this to me...and was horrified when she started to discuss a matter which was private to me in front of her friend. I managed to change the subject, but it made me uneasy.

• *A few posters have said that the OP should be more vocal or use her words. She has at least cancelled once as per her first post:

She knows I’m not keen on her randomly inviting other people as last time she done it I said I’ll meet her a different time. I don’t think she was too impressed

Looks like I'm in the minority here but I don't see a problem with other friends coming along? This is how friends of friends get to know each other and sometimes it leads to new wonderful friendships. As much as I live my friends, I wouldn't expect to demand them all to myself unless there was a reason for it. Xxx

I think you're over-reaching the results from your poll.

The majority (including me) think you are not unreasonable to discuss with your friend and/or decline the invite because YOU don't like randoms coming. You would need a different poll to know how many people are ok with randoms being invited (including me, 99% of the time) and extend invites regularly with those who don't mind (me with some mates, but not with 2 women I know who don't like it nor with anyone with an issue to discuss). Of my friends, majority are "more the merrier" and literally only 2 never want extra people invited, so subject to sensible caveats (e.g. clearly not when discussing cancer treatment / dying mum) I'm not convinced by your "majority". I suspect it's more like 50/50, the standard extrovert/introvert split for UK.

It's not objectively rude or lacking social etiquette. It's just not your preference.

I think it is objectively rude, and bad social etiquette, to move the goalposts after people have agreed to a meet-up.
If a friend suggests that she/he and I meet up for a coffee, I'll say yes; if a friend says six of them are going out for a coffee and do I want to join them, I'll politely decline. That. IS about preference; but the point is that, if you're asked, you can choose whether you go or not.

@GRex

People voted based on what I asked, which was why do people bring random people along to a meet up without asking first.

I think if the question was “Is it quite rude to invite someone else along to a pre planned meet up, without asking the other person first (and with someone they’ve only met twice) and springing it upon them a day or two before” the split would still be vast majority it’s rude. I don’t think it would be 50:50 or anywhere near.

It is rude according to the majority

Yes, you got that answer to that particular question.

Then you said: Again, it comes down the assumption that it shouldn’t need to be explained, just don’t invite strangers to things. It’s lacking social etiquette.
That means asking extras without informing the friend in advance, so you're missing a crucial point. You've converted "rude if you don't ask" into "always rude". I don't agree at all and I do think it's usually only rude if you don't ask. Funnily enough, your friend had actually told you in advance, so while "ask" would be better, she was at least halfway to not being rude.

No, see explanation.

What a bizarre response….

I could understand the other poster coming up with this as they always stood by their notion that they didn’t think it was rude, even though we disagree.

Your post I just find utterly bizarre…. your reasoning and rationale doesn’t even make sense but hey ho….

Aye it’s totally ok to invite anyone and everyone to a get together with your friends. Put a FB post out saying the local barmaid and wizard are invited too…

I’ve got to hand it to you, you are funny regardless of what anyone else says..::

😂😂😂

😆

Just cancel. Make something up if you don’t feel able to say anything now. Then next time she does it, have what you are gong to say ready in your head then you Ronny be caught out.

I think I’d go along just this once, then say can we catch up just the two of us next time. However, I do wonder if what someone else said is true, the conversation is perhaps to intense/serious for her that you tend to have. I do have a friend like this, and I then find I don’t make those arrangements with her anymore as feels very one sided and the same conversations every time that are quite negative. May not be that at all of course and she may just be totally insensitive or double booked herself, or just not a good friend?

I hate this and nine times out of ten, its done by 'the more the merrier' brigade, in the mistaken belief that everyone just wants a superficial chin-wag, or the 'be kind' brigade who want to look virtuous.

One of my more outgoing friends bought her niece on holiday with six of us once - nobody had ever met her before. She had just broken up with her boyfriend and 'needed a break.'

The whole trip dynamic shifted, as she was a stranger and monosyllabic. If you're going to bring a friend then at least make sure they contribute something. Just no consideration for the rest of us having to cook for and feed an extra person, having the bathroom use and schedule disrupted and having to adjust conversations to 'polite & superficial' instead of familiarity and in-jokes.

I’ve had this a few times with people. I tend to say - ‘I’d rather stick to the original plan? I need a proper catch up!’ That way you’re reminding them that the other person wasn’t part of the original conversation and you want to see them alone. If they say no - I sound disappointed and say - ‘ok - let’s leave it and catch up properly next week?’. No confrontation or drama - just ‘I’m not doing that’.