To ask why people do this?

[PITCHpink]

A friend and I arranged to meet on Saturday morning and she text me last saying “You still up for Saturday?” I said yes definitely bla bla….

She then says “Great, My friend Joanne is coming along too, you’ve met her and got on with her”

I’m so annoyed as it feels like she’s waited until I’ve confirmed and committed again and then springs this upon me. Joanne is nice but it changes the dynamics completely as I’ve only met her twice and don’t feel comfortable discussing personal stuff with someone I don’t know.

I can’t say ‘no don’t bring her’ or that I’m not coming now, because I’ll be the bad guy and the unsociable one. She’s done this in the past too and I find it so annoying. I’ve got other stuff to do, but I put that on the back burner to see her at a time that suits her and not me at all. She knows I’m not keen on her randomly inviting other people as last time she done it I said I’ll meet her a different time. I don’t think she was too impressed.

Why do people do this!? I wouldn’t dream of bringing one of my friends along randomly… so annoying

"Joanne's lovely but I was hoping to catch up just the two of us. I'll bow out this time."

If you can't genuinely say this to her then you need to drop the friendship. It's as simple as that.

Just do this!

no more rude than her inviting someone else along.

This

100% this

The first and only time someone did this to me was when I was 20. Home from university at the end of my 2nd year, my best friend from school (who hadn't gone to uni), whom I hadn't seen for several months, arranged to meet me in our city - and turned up with a girl I'd never spoken to before (knew of her as she was in the year below us at school). They mostly chatted to each other all night.

Never saw my friend again. I don't need it in writing!

I’m also too old for this shit op. I had a friend who did this, and so I just never met up with her one on one. I also have no interest in chit chatting with acquaintances.
I would absolutely decline now because she clearly knew you didn’t like it last time and did it again.

Going against the grain here to say that unless I had something deeply personal to discuss with the friend, it wouldn't bother me

This is perfect

Thanks guys for all the advice and home truths. I’m going to message and say I’m not going.

I probably am quite anti social these days, but working with the general public for early 30 years does that to you 😆 I’ve got my friendships and I’m happy with them. I don’t mind meeting as a group with my own close friends but not strangers. Time is precious and I don’t want to spend it making small talk wondering if Joanne knows about my friends situations and what’s ok to speak about/mention or not.

This

When someone sets up a 1:1 with you, it usually means they want to spend time with you, just you. That you matter enough to hold that space on your own. So when they confirm the plan on the day and then suddenly mention they’ve invited someone else to join, it shifts the tone. What felt like a personal catch-up starts to feel more like a group hangout, and you weren’t really asked if that was okay.
It can leave you feeling like you’re not important enough to be seen on your own. Like they’re trying to tick off two social boxes at once. Like you didn’t quite make the cut as someone who gets time carved out just for them.
It’s not just about the change in plan. It’s about what the meeting meant to you versus what it clearly meant to them.

We all want to be enough without needing to be padded out with other people. Personally, I wouldn't go.

Sometimes this is just a sociable person being thoughtless or lacking social boundaries, but it can lead to excruciatingly awkward situations.

Many years ago I had a series of coffee catchups with a friend, who we will call Sally, at her home. She would invite me for what I thought was a 1:1 chat, then once I had arrived would say ‘oh, X is joining us and will be here shortly’. Three times in succession, she invited X, Y or Z as an extra person without telling me beforehand. Then I would have to quickly recalibrate possible chat, while X Y or Z would arrive and look very surprised to see me as they’d also thought they were there for a 1:1 catchup! Just so awkward. I slightly knew X, Y and Z but only very tenuously through local circles - all perfectly nice people, but I wouldn’t have prioritised spending time with them for a casual coffee when my free time was very limited.

On the first occasion, Sally cheerfully asked about X’s very personal medical issue in front of me. On the second occasion, it turned out that Y was someone I had once worked with. On the third occasion, Sally chatted brightly about what she thought was a lovely connection between me and Z (had both once been members of the same large hobby group), blithely unaware that Z no longer attended that group partly because of a family bereavement.

Eventually I realised that Sally saw herself as a social networker locally, and this was her way of trying to connect people she thought had something in common and creating what she thought was a jolly group chat. But what she didn’t have was the social awareness to let people know that there would be other people joining, and to avoid touching on personal or sensitive matters that should have been kept for a 1:1.

After this happened three times I said to Sally that I wasn’t comfortable being presented on the spot with people I hadn’t known were coming, particularly if it led to awkward chats on sensitive topics, and that another time, I wanted to know beforehand if she had invited anyone else.

I don’t think Sally ever really understood the nuances of this and eventually I just withdrew from meeting up with her! I think some people are just very lacking in social antennae.

This. Life is too short to spend your spare time doing things you don't want to do. Be an adult about it and be honest. You'll know if she's a true friend from her reaction.

Aw OP I had this with a friend’s husband. You’d think he wouldn’t want to come and be the hanger-on but he kept popping along.

Once she said he wasn’t coming because I made it clear I wanted it to be just us two, then he showed up! He’d come to all girl lunches as well, the only partner who was there, all of us with our normal self-aware husbands at home.

I ended up being a petty bitch and just chatting away to her about in jokes and other things he wasn’t a part of and I think he got fed up of being the third wheel.

Cane here to say this. Life's too short if you don't want to go then just say it. Annoying yes but she'll either get the picture or not.

It’s even worse when they bring their husbands to a catch up! My DH would hate to be involved so I can’t imagine why men would want to gatecrash a ladies meet up. Odd as anything

Your friend is rude or inconsiderate or both.

Why can’t you send the message @LoveSandbanks suggested now?

This is what I’d be saying

Agree wholeheartedly.

Why are you so bothered? It's just coffee and cake or whatever. And Joanne might turn out to be nice. And what personal stuff are you discussing? I discuss the news, holidays, philosophy, politics, fashion and food with friends and family. I save the personal for late DH - up at the graveside these days - and occasionally with DD and DD-i-L.

This. I've used this before. It's surprisingly effective.

If you are a "more the merrier" type then surely that's how your organise your own meet ups?

Not by doing that to other people's?

This requires a reply like ‘ah okay. I understand it’s effective-time wise to blend meet ups with several friends but it changes the dynamic and so I’m going to give it a swerve this time. Let me know when your free for a 1-1 and I’ll put something on the calendar’.

I would be annoyed too. A friend of mine regularly does this - sometimes I don't mind but other times I message and say It'll be nice to see so-and-so but I do love having you to myself.