To ask why people do this?

[PITCHpink]

A friend and I arranged to meet on Saturday morning and she text me last saying “You still up for Saturday?” I said yes definitely bla bla….

She then says “Great, My friend Joanne is coming along too, you’ve met her and got on with her”

I’m so annoyed as it feels like she’s waited until I’ve confirmed and committed again and then springs this upon me. Joanne is nice but it changes the dynamics completely as I’ve only met her twice and don’t feel comfortable discussing personal stuff with someone I don’t know.

I can’t say ‘no don’t bring her’ or that I’m not coming now, because I’ll be the bad guy and the unsociable one. She’s done this in the past too and I find it so annoying. I’ve got other stuff to do, but I put that on the back burner to see her at a time that suits her and not me at all. She knows I’m not keen on her randomly inviting other people as last time she done it I said I’ll meet her a different time. I don’t think she was too impressed.

Why do people do this!? I wouldn’t dream of bringing one of my friends along randomly… so annoying

It's this I think.

I don't mind in-depth therapy- style friendship support when someone has a severe illness, dying parent or other actual serious event. Those who deploy the same lengthy heart to heart to moan about their boss sending an email that sounded sharp, or their DH not putting on the laundry - nope. Dilute dilute.

It sounds like you have different views on how this friendship should be working. It can happen. All you bash realistically do though is day "I wanted a long chat instead of a general hang-out, so will leave you and Joanne to it. Let me know if you have another time you're free to meet just with me."
Be prepared she might continue to swerve it, then you'll need to take the hint unfortunately.

That’s was awful if your friend and on you Hen night as well. Utterly thoughtless on her part!

Yeah I would be cancelling and re-arranging. Message her @PITCHpink and say 'I understood that we were just meeting together, just me and you, and I was looking forward to it being just me and you.' As a pp said, just say 'I'll leave the meeting to just you and Joanne this time and we will arrange something else in a few weeks.' If she gets arsey and salty about it, then she's not a friend.

I hate it when people do this. I have had it done to me. My DD used to do this a few years back. I would travel 20 miles/40 mile round trip to meet up with her for lunch (she had an extended hour and a half one when I went,) and she would rock up with a work colleague. I hated it. There's certain things that you can't discuss/talk about with some random there, even if you have met them once or twice before. She did this several times, though she hasn't done it for 5 or 6 years now.

She also brought her new boyfriend of 2 months (who I had not met at that point,) to my house for my 50th birthday. I thought it was just going to be me, her dad, her sibling, and her, and she turned up with this bloke! I felt like I couldn't enjoy myself as I was on my best behaviour IYSWIM. And I just felt uncomfortable. Didn't help that he was super quiet and appeared to have no sense of humour. Fortunately, the relationship fizzled out after 4 or 5 months.

I've also had friends who have invited another friend when I get to the place we have arranged to meet. I really bloody hate it! A few times, they haven't even mentioned said 'other friend' will be there. They're just there, so I obviously can't back out as I'm already there!!!

😂 brilliant 🤩

Agree with others that you need to say how you feel. I’ve invited others along when one on one isn’t working for me or there’s an awkward situation with a mutual friend. So one friend talks at me about her job, it’s really dull and not really a two way conversation if we’re in a group it’s easier to handle.
The other time was in a very awkward situation when I bumped into a mutual friend and blabbered my way through and ended up inviting them too.
I’m not saying this is you OP, just my reasons for having done it in the past. If you say no thanks to your friend she may say why she’s invited her.

Id reply with

‘I was looking forward to a catch up with you and although Joanne is lovely, I don’t really know her so will give it a miss and catch up with you another time.

Life is too short to put yourself in a situation you’re not comfortable with.

“I will be honest I wanted to chat about personal things and it’s nothing against Joanne at all as she’s a lovely person but I don’t feel comfortable chatting in front of her. You 2 meet and we will rearrange - are you free next Saturday? Xx”

Was it Joanne she invited last time as well? If not, she might have misunderstood when you ducked out last time, and thought you had a problem with the specific friend rather than the concept of bringing more people to the meet-up? My guess as to what's happened is she's double booked herself (my DSis is always doing this) and is trying to fix it.

I think it depends on what she's like in general.

Some people are genuinely warm, more the merrier kind of people and will be completely oblivious to the fact that many (most?) people do not feel the same way. If she is otherwise a lovely friend you may need to be very blunt that next time you really do not want to be in this position again. Perhaps she didn't fully take it on board the last time you said this; once she's finally got the message, a good friend should absolutely remember and respect your feelings. And probably apologise for not realising how you felt. If your friend fits this description, I'd probably cheerfully go along with it one more time but then make it absolutely clear how you feel.

The other possibility is that she knew perfectly well you wouldn't like it and has deliberately chosen to disregard your feelings because it's more convenient for her (for whatever reason). In which case, so be quite honest, I'd mirror her behaviour and do whatever is most convenient for you - and if that's cancelling, so be it. If she takes offence at that it wouldn't sound like a huge loss anyway, she's a pretty flaky friend.

Be honest and say I will give it a miss then as I would rather go just us, let me know when you're free agin and we can meet up for a proper catch up just us x

I really like that. Change the dynamic more than it's been changed already.

I hate it when people do this too.

If it’s her plan then she can invite whomever she likes. When you plan something with her then you can plan for it to be just the two of you.

Yes that’s the situation I think here. Works full time, doesn’t have lots of spare time herself, so invited others to get a catch up with everyone. She’s failing to realise that not everyone likes that and whilst she feels comfortable around everyone, they are strangers to each other or not people we’d chose to spend time our free time with

Are you going to speak up then xx

In that case why not have the decency to ask OP before inviting her along? There is a middle ground here.

I find this way of thinking a bit exhausting and suffocating. It kind of fits in with the “be kind” narrative and that isn’t a good thing.

I totally see your point, though I don’t think it is this, I think she spreads herself too thinly and tries to fit everyone in. Also our timetables do clash so it’s difficult

If anything I’m the one that stepped back from the friendship in the past, because I felt like I was there as a counsellor and I got fed up with listening to her problems. I had a lot going on in my own life and couldn’t be available in the way she wanted/needed do took a step back.

^This

Great answer 👏 I've had this problem in the past and shall use that answer if it happens again.

It's very annoying, yes. I'm a social person, but I like to know what I'm getting into before accepting.

I hate it when people say 'Are you free on Thursday night?' before telling you what the invitation involves. They tend to be manipulative types!

I'm glad to hear some sensible advice here. I posted a similar scenario a few years ago on MN and got lots of 'are you anti social', 'you probably don't have many friends' and other critical comments that made me feel guilty for being irritated by it. My one was a Christmas catch up of old friends that had been going on for years then someone added a person.

I think it depends on the circumstances. Usually I'm up for socialising and if i see someone regularly i don't mind expanding, or if there are 3 people its ok to bring a 4th maybe, but 1 extra when its a catch up chat is unfair i think. I don't see friends very often anymore and sometimes you might be hoping for a personal kind of chat rather than a bit of casual banter.

I have a friend who used to do this a lot. It often annoyed me a bit but we were young and out all the time so we managed to catch up. However I will never forget one occasion. I went to the city a few days after my Mum died to meet her on her lunch break, I was only in my 20s so my mum died young. She had sent a 'I'm here if you need to talk' message and I said yes I'd love to. This in itself is very unlike me as i keep my troubles to myself and dont regularly offload them. On the way to the restaurant she bumped into an old pal (of hers, vague acquaintance of mine) and invited her along. We spent the lunch hearing a step by step account of acquaintances car troubles, no mention of my life, and then i went home after. No follow up message apologising or explaining. That was 20 years ago, we are still friends but I found it hard to trust her for a very very long time after that and distanced myself a bit.

Be kind ( at a cost to yourself that will cause resentment to build ) not a good thing.
Be kind ( in general doing nice things for others and treating others in the way we'd like to be treated ) definitely a good thing and increasingly necessary in the world.
It's finding a balance that's tricky, of course.

That’s awful, I’m sorry she was so insensitive. It’s stuff like this that makes me wonder what goes in in peoples head!

It's a daytime meet-up.
This has happened to me but my friend explained why the third person was coming along (recent break-up and was miserable/not enjoying being alone) and asked if he could do anything to help (they were coming to mine for lunch and he offered to bring extra food etc).
This just sounds like the 'friend' wants to see Joanne and doesn't mind or care if the OP would rather have a one-to-one meet-up.