To ask why people do this?

[PITCHpink]

A friend and I arranged to meet on Saturday morning and she text me last saying “You still up for Saturday?” I said yes definitely bla bla….

She then says “Great, My friend Joanne is coming along too, you’ve met her and got on with her”

I’m so annoyed as it feels like she’s waited until I’ve confirmed and committed again and then springs this upon me. Joanne is nice but it changes the dynamics completely as I’ve only met her twice and don’t feel comfortable discussing personal stuff with someone I don’t know.

I can’t say ‘no don’t bring her’ or that I’m not coming now, because I’ll be the bad guy and the unsociable one. She’s done this in the past too and I find it so annoying. I’ve got other stuff to do, but I put that on the back burner to see her at a time that suits her and not me at all. She knows I’m not keen on her randomly inviting other people as last time she done it I said I’ll meet her a different time. I don’t think she was too impressed.

Why do people do this!? I wouldn’t dream of bringing one of my friends along randomly… so annoying

You sound quite insular and negative, OP.

"I'm too old for this shit" - what "shit"? Meeting up with people you got on well with? 😕Your friend probably had no idea you'd feel this way.

I can't honestly see that she has done anything wrong. If you want to meet just the two of you, then just say so. This is situation where you need to use your words and actually tell her what you need.

It just seems really limiting and insular to refuse to even spend a few hours with someone who you've already said you like and get on with.

Do you actually have private, "personal stuff" to talk about or are you just making drama? If you need to have a private conversation then surely just arrange something and tell her explicitly that it's just for you two. Or even talk to her on the phone?

Sorry, I just think you're making a mountain out of a molehill.

I can't honestly see that she has done anything wrong.

Do you not think it was rude of her to invite someone else to a meet up that Op has arranged?

No, not really. I think it's simply a case of crossed wires with someone who is obviously a lot more sociable than OP, and OP not actually voicing what she wants.

Too right! Don't put up with this thoughtless nonsense.

What message did you send?

Judging by the majority of comments I think your view is the exception rather than the norm.

Most people seem to also think it’s quite rude to invite someone else, without asking you and whom you don’t know, other than you’ve met twice - to something that has been planned for a few weeks. It’s not considerate and I don’t think you should put people in that situation in the first place.

oh dear, I always do this. I just think the more the merrier and if I bump into someone or I’m messaging someone, I’ll often say “me and x are going for a drink later why don’t you join?”

Op, are you able to tag along someone else with you??your DH, sister, mum other friend??

OP I feel your pain, people who do this are rude and entitled honestly boils my blood. If she wants to meet Joanne she should meet her on her own time not the time you have designated to seeing your friend. Rude beyond belief. I also would not go, my spare time is too precious to spend with other peoples pals.

Oh dear, I fear I am this friend. My theory is always “the more the merrier” I love meeting my friends friends as I think they must be nice if my friend likes them. And I would only bring friends that I thought my friend would also like/get on with

Yep. It's just crossed wires between someone who is more sociable and someone who is less so. Not really something to start a bitchy mumsnet thread about... OP could just say she wanted to meet 1 on 1.

Half of the issues I see in people's friendships stem from the fact that someone wasn't just more vocal about what they need. I doubt the friend even realised or gave it a second thought.

I get it op. I agree it's rude and fine to want to invite others but ask in a way that gives an outstanding eg 'looking forward to tonight. Are you after a heart to heart or big social night?' then if the answer is big social night go on to suggest others but don't invite them first and if the answer is heart to heart don't even suggest it.

Oh shh ffs

I am exactly the same. I do not pussyfoot nor hold back. At the same time I am not rude and don't swear, but people need telling directly because they have such thick skin they steamroller all over you and your boundaries!
The early menopause is a strange time
😁

Perhaps the OP can put you in touch with Joanne and you can go out with her

I think the problem is that sadly the friend doesn't value the one on one time that OP wants. If she did it would happen. She's avoiding it by inviting another along.

I had a friend do this all the time. Took me years to work it out. I'm sorry OP, she doesn't want it to be just the two of you or it would be.

That’s certainly one possible interpretation, but others are equally possible.

Yes, I agree (as it's not the first time she's done it). She (Joanne's friend) knows what she's doing.

You’re missing the point by saying it’s crossed wires. It’s nothing to do with crossed wires. When someone asks you if you’re free next Saturday for a catch up, the onus isn’t on you (me) to ask if she’s planning on bringing a stranger to meet up too.

It’s generally assumed she won’t be, because it’s rude if she does, without first saying “so and so would like to come, would that be ok? Now worries if not” Not just say “oh so and so is coming”.

Many years ago I used to regularly take my MIL to a matinee at local theatres. We'd have lunch at the theatre & see things such as a G&S operetta, an Oscar Wilde play that kind of thing. We both enjoyed it & it was a time spent just the two of us when we could chat & generally spend time together. I would pay for the tickets & we would 'go Dutch' on the meal. As I was driving I would have soft drinks, but she would have an alcoholic drink with lunch & one in the interval so only fair. I was never offered, or asked for, petrol money, the money for parking etc, as I enjoyed treating my MIL.

So, one day, I had arranged with MIL to see a show which was about an hour's drive away. About a week before we were due to go, she introduced me to her friend (I didn't know this lady) who was intending to come with us & had bought a ticket a few rows away from us. I was rather upset that I hadn't been consulted about this. I said that I was expecting it to be just MIL & me & how I valued spending the time with her. I was so upset that I hadn't been consulted & that I was expected to drive both MIL & then collect her friend (who lived out of our way & would have added 30 minutes onto the journey) I felt that it would also upset the dynamic in that it would be MIL, friend & Me as the 'also ran/chauffeur'. I got the tickets out of my handbag, passed them to MIL & said that I hoped that she & her friend had a good time - my treat.

I never took MIL to another play/show or anywhere again.

Its not you being flakey, she has backed out of your arrangement and changed it without your knowledge or consent.

Sometimes people do it to encourage a wider social circle and help people get to know one another. I think the intention is good. Just make it clear you’d prefer a quieter meet up. She maybe feels you’d make good friends.

Id say 'ah, well threes a crowd, so lets rearrange then'

I think you are overthinking it. If you want to go, go, if you don’t then don’t. If you think about it another way, it could be a great way of getting to know Joanne more and an opportunity to deepen a new friendship. Its always nice connecting with new people if you like them. You can see your friend one on one another time, or ring her after about personal stuff

Yeah, in your circumstances I'd just wait right until the day and suddenly have my car break down or train cancelled or something so I have to cancel.