To ask why people do this?

[PITCHpink]

A friend and I arranged to meet on Saturday morning and she text me last saying “You still up for Saturday?” I said yes definitely bla bla….

She then says “Great, My friend Joanne is coming along too, you’ve met her and got on with her”

I’m so annoyed as it feels like she’s waited until I’ve confirmed and committed again and then springs this upon me. Joanne is nice but it changes the dynamics completely as I’ve only met her twice and don’t feel comfortable discussing personal stuff with someone I don’t know.

I can’t say ‘no don’t bring her’ or that I’m not coming now, because I’ll be the bad guy and the unsociable one. She’s done this in the past too and I find it so annoying. I’ve got other stuff to do, but I put that on the back burner to see her at a time that suits her and not me at all. She knows I’m not keen on her randomly inviting other people as last time she done it I said I’ll meet her a different time. I don’t think she was too impressed.

Why do people do this!? I wouldn’t dream of bringing one of my friends along randomly… so annoying

Your friend already having invited Joanne is her problem, not yours. I'd say that you had been looking forward to catching up and thought it would just be the two of you, then offer up another date.

I wouldn’t go and to be quite honest I wouldn’t ask to meet up with her again.
She knows your feelings on bringing an extra friend, and has ignored them.
Please take into account that I am in my 50’s, I am set in my ways and can’t be arsed with stuff like this.

I have a friend who does this and it actually seems completely innocent. I think she just thinks the more the merrier. I've found out a few times 5 minutes after arrival that someone else is joining us. It definitely changes the dynamic. I've not brought it up yet but I am tempted to preempt it next time, as it does put me on edge when it's sprung upon me like that.
She has also invited me to prearranged events with others and I always wonder if they are aware of my invite prior!
I would bring it up either now if you can't bear it or prior to your next meet up with her.

You can still say no though - lots of pp have given great suggestions how to word it, pleasantly but still making it clear it’s because she invited another person. I wouldn’t go to this if I were you, free time is too precious and you’ll just end up resenting it.

I have a friend whose friend does this. In fact sometimes she doesn't even ask and just 'forgets' to mention she's invited someone else!

Which is why I said OP shouldn't go if she doesn't want to, and should tell her friend why to stop it happening again. Does no one read the thread these days?

She’s moved the goal posts with regards to the meet up so it’s not flakey to say no.

I’d just message her and say ‘Hi, I’ve reflected on Saturday and I’m afraid I’m going to have to drop out. I was looking forward to a chilled catch up just the 2 of us but obviously adding Joanne, who I hardly know, will change the dynamic and I’m not feeling up for that kind of social situation right now. Hope you both have a lovely day and let me know if you’re free for a one-on-one catch up, as we originally planned, another time,’

If you just go along with this there’s no doubt she’ll just keep doing it. Make it clear that you’re cancelling because she changed the plans, not because you’re being flakey, and she can’t really complain. If she does try and turn it back on you just keep reiterating ‘We arranged to meet just the 2 of us, I’m cancelling because you changed the plans without asking me so this is on you. Next time we arrange to meet please check with me if you want to change things.’

Just don’t bother going.

Urgh that phrase 'the more the merrier' makes me cringe, and puke a little in my mouth. It's nonsense too, when it comes to arranging to meet a friend and they bring someone with them! When you're having a party it's great if there's loads of people, but not when you have arranged to meet one person alone, and they bring some fucking random with them.

As has been said, the OP's friend has moved the goalposts, and the OP has every right to cancel the meeting. The 'friend' has cancelled it after all. The meetup between the 2 of them no longer exists.

This pisses me off SO MUCH. We have good friends who are a married couple with kids roughly our age - the children get on quite well. Whenever we plan a day out with them at a park or something they also invite another family that we don't really get on with, and whose kids our kids also don't really like. This family's younger child is the best friend of their eldest and I think that's partly why they always invite them, but it then means our kids get left out. Sometimes we don't even find out they've invited them until we get to the park and there they fucking are. I find it rude and uncomfortable and I don't know why they never think to ask us if it's ok. I want to say please don't invite them but that sounds so unfriendly. It sucks!

I know right.

I hate this too. The patronising, condescending, misoginistic 'calm down' trope that gets spouted on here. It's almost always when someone has not been remotely arsey and ranty. Indeed, it's almost always when someone has just posted a perfectly rational and measured post.

She already knows you don't like it, but still does it? I'd just continue to remind her that you don't like that and would rather meet with just her. If another time is better, fine, but I wouldn't try to please her when she's running roughshod over your own preferences. If she and her other friend want to think you're unsociable, let them.

I had this done to me; first time meeting after lockdowns and my friend tried to shoehorn in another to join us. My reply was “I’d rather not”

Hi @PITCHpink I don't think you have been explicit enough in your text. You need to point out that you would prefer it to be a just you and her meet up next time.

I hate this and have had a friend do it to me in the past. I find it rude to invite someone else along especially when you’ve never met that before or only just know them.

It also feels like friend is saying something about you that they need extra company and makes you feel a bit rubbish!

I used to just go along with things like this but now I just say ‘sorry I can’t make it now (make up a reason) and we’ll catch up again soon’.

I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s extroverts that do this though!

I have a friend who does this - you think it's an intimate brunch for just 3 or 4, then half the other school mums turn up! I don't mind really, but it does change the dynamics. I think she does it to save time and see everyone in one go rather than separate 'dates'.

I suspect your friend does this because you haven't made it clear you don't want her to. If you're not a more the merrier type of person tell her straight.

Just don't go. Say why.

I know some people like this who always seem to want to meet a few people at once, even if those people don't really know eachother.

In a way it can be positive if you do end up liking their other mates and they become yours also.
But I do get wanting to spend time one to one.

I hope next time you make it clear you really love catching up just the two of you.

This - only I’m too timid to invite another friend to my one-on-one catch ups. Perhaps a sometimes it is too intense? A friendly catch up shouldn’t be negatively impacted by a third party.

This. Unless you are struggling w something you wanted to talk to your friend about would it kill you to get to know someone new? Don’t worry guys, I know the answer! The UK is very unfriendly it’s not like this in other countries.

Why are you so passive? You don't need to lie or find an excuse for not going - why would a person be so disingenuous anyway? Just tell the truth! Don't complicate it.

She asked if you're still up for meeting her - you said yes - she's told you Joanne will be coming - you're not up for meeting with Joanne - so you pull out. It's literally that simple. What's flakey about saying "oh you didn't say you were bringing Joanne. I was hoping to see just you on Saturday. Not to worry: you go ahead with Joanne and we'll find another date that works".

It's really not that deep. Are you that much of a people pleaser that you'd sacrifice your time to placate Joanne and this friend to your own detriment? No wonder it keeps happening to you.

'But it's not really friendly...'

Not the OP's problem

Be the bigger person, suck it up this time but on the next occasion that you are planning to meet up make is perfectly clear that you want it to be just the two of you and you don’t want a third person tagging along to change the dynamics. If you don’t communicate nothing will change will it?!

I have a friend that does this EVERY single time. We’ll arrange a day with just us and our kids she’ll always invite someone else along, sometimes two! It totally throws off the dynamics of the friendship as they’re people she sees probably daily where as I don’t and it usually means we then have to find somewhere to accommodate 3+ adults and 10+ kids when it’s time to eat. The last time she did it I politely declined and offered to meet her another day. I’ve told her before I don’t do well in massive social settings as they’re quite open when sharing relationships etc where as I’m not comfortable with that and prefer smaller circles. I’ve not arranged to meet her in months but to be honest she’s so naive I don’t even think she realises it’s because of what she does.