Lads night out at 3 months old

[Starvey]

My DH has decided he is going away for a night for a friend's birthday. Our DS has just turned 3 months and is either going through the 4 month sleep regression early or has suddenly turned with his sleeping patterns and is walking up every 2-3 hours at night and is being very unsettled/fussy during the day. 2 weeks ago DH's friend arranged a night away for his birthday (33rd birthday so nothing special) and my DH jumped at the chance without really consulting me.
I'm really struggling with our DS at the moment but that doesn't seem to matter to my DH who has said he still wants to be able to go out on special occasions. AIBU in thinking he should say no and stay at home? I'd get it if it was something that was pre booked before DS was born or was a stag do etc but to me a 33rd birthday isn't a special occasion. FWIW he has had a night out since DS was born.

Well neither parent should be tied to a house just because a baby has been born, it is not a competition to who stays home more but both parents should be able to go out and do normal things, not just one but I know parents think the world has to stop but that is not a healthy attitude

if he otherwise pulls his weight and parents DS then I don't see why he shouldn't go? It's 1 night and plenty of single parents and partners of people who work away get by alone for longer stretches of time than that. Maybe make a point of asking him to deal with DS' wake ups one night next weekend so you can have a rest. I know the first few months seem relentless and hard, but if he's otherwise supportive I think he should go

I would probably feel quite apprehensive in your shoes about dealing with an unsettled young baby for a night by myself, but I do agree that your DH should be able to have a night out by himself on special occasions without getting your permission - sounds like it's a one off and he's otherwise helpful with the baby?

Could you maybe take the baby and stay with your parents for that night, or invite them to stay over that night or similar? No idea if you have that kind of setup, so sorry if it's not relevant, but I went and stayed with my mum the first couple of times I spent the night without DH after I had my DC. Obviously I was still the only one up in the night, but it did really help to know there was another friendly adult around.

You go to the spare room night before hes out. He can look after babe in advance to evens the load. Job done 👍

Bang out of order to leave all the childcare duties to you when you’re still healing in all aspects of adjusting to a massive lifestyle change, the last thing on his mind should be leaving you to attend a birthday party, seems selfish if you ask me. You should both be in the newborn trenches together, you conceived this child together so you can tackle this challenge together and then you can both enjoy a lovely evening of fun later once you’ve both gotten through the difficult stages, as a way to celebrate your accomplishments as one. Otherwise, he can go but make sure you schedule a night out with your girls too, alone, and leave him for the night in the trenches and see how he copes with that. I would avoid the latter if possible though because then it just turns into a nasty game of tit for tat and that’s never good.

It’s 1 night, and the baby is 3 months old. Waking up every 2-3 hours is pretty normal and definitely doesn’t require two people as a one off.

are you feeling resentful that he gets a night off and you haven’t had one?

Let him have his night, then you book one for yourself?

Share the load

I get what others say about him not needing “permission”, and that a night alone with the baby shouldn’t be impossible … but equally I think things like this should be discussed together - it’s a bit crap that he’s decided it’s a done deal without seeming to care how you feel.

My DP and I didn’t have nights away until baby was 6 months old. She was really tough in the early months and neither of us would have left the other in the lurch, but by 6 months it was fine. We made sure we both had nights away arranged fairly close together so it felt equal.

If you’re not happy, does that mean you don’t feel he pulls his weight, or you’re looking for him to show he cares more? I actively encouraged my DP to go away next weekend for something - he’s such a great dad and partner, and does these things so infrequently, that it doesn’t bother me at all.

I think that is way too young to be leaving overnight unless it is for work and unavoidable. As long as mom and baby are still a dyad, dads should be staying as close as possible as often as possible for support. It’s not like mothers can get long breaks as easily. The best way to keep her from
burning out is to keep parenting as much of a team effort as possible.

It’s one night and wouldn’t bother me.

I know 2-3 hours is normal but it's never been our normal, DS would go longer even as a newborn so it's a personal shift. DH has had a night out and an evening out already so it's not so much that he's going out but more that fact he decided it was a done deal without even discussing it.

I think this is the issue more than the night out. He doesn't need permission and he's been on a night out before this anyway but the fact that it's away and he seemingly decided without any discussion is what I'm taking issue to. He pulls his weight to an extent but I'd say he still puts his needs first.

Totally agree that he shouldn't be looking for permission but a discussion about it would be nice. I go to my parents during the day but haven't really considered staying the night, guess I'd feel bad putting them through the crying during his wake ups

I think I misread your OP as he hasn't had a night out since the baby was born, when actually he has? If it's a pattern of going on nights out while leaving the lion's share of the baby stuff to you, I agree that's a bit different and you're probably being less unreasonable being upset that he's just decided he's going away for the night.

I would be encouraging him to go away for a night. Then he owes you a night for when you want to do the same with your friends!

It’s just one night. A baby shouldn’t stop you both doing things!

Talk to him about it. But first of all figure out what it is you want.

Do you want him to discuss it with you first before accepting an invitation? That's reasonable and a good rule to have, especially when life gets busy in later years.

Do you want him to put in some effort to put things in place so you have an easier time while he is away? Also reasonable.

Do you want him to also step up before he goes away so you have the opportunity to get some extra rest and be in a better frame of mind to solo parent? Extremely reasonable.

Do you want to put in place some time for yourself? Also reasonable. And essential. You need to do this. It will make you a better parent. DH needs to solo parent so he can appreciate how hard it can be and because your child deserves to have 2 parents who can handle his needs without assistance.

If your DH baulks at any of that, then that will tell you a lot.

3 months is way too early. Whoever says you can cope, well yes, but it will be utterly shit and lonely. I had a difficult baby, whose sleep went to shit around 2 months and by 3 months I was broken. If DH had tried to go away, I would have packed his bags and changed the locks.

Arsehole.

He has a baby. His life has changed. He doesn't get to do fun shit like that when he has a non-sleeping newborn at home.

What a dismissive pile of shit. A mother of a 3 month old is not going to be able to sleep while her child screams inconsolably next door all night.

@89Pandora Do you expect both parents to routinely stay up during the night to keep each other company? That may have worked for you but not many people! Usually one person is off work and one person is at work, so the person off work sucks it up and is ‘lonely’ of a night weeknights and then the person working gives them a break and is ‘lonely’ during weekend nights. Personally, I just stuck on some riveting documentaries when I was up and that was back in the day before smart phones, and pre pay tv/channels on demand when tv shut at a certain time and we had to stick on a VHS/Beta tape if you wanted to watch something. That was all normal, no two person team required.

But why would a baby scream inconsolably when being looked after by a loving father for the night?

My partner and I did one night one, one night off for the first few months so one of us always got a rest. I never once was unable to fall asleep because our baby adores her dad. Even now he can get her to sleep much better than I can and she stops crying as soon as he sings to her.

It the dad is leaving the baby screaming alone all night, that’s another issue entirely.

OP - understood the main issue is him not asking. I don’t think policing what’s ‘worthy’ to attend is going to end well in the long run, but he should definitely have cleared it with you first. Do you have any anxieties about being left alone with baby at night?

I get that it's annoying he just assumed. DH and I would always ask each other. Although I think one evening should be manageable.

Extended sleep depravation can make you a bit desperate. Is there a way he can do a bit more generally in settling baby so that you feel less tired? Don't fall into the trap of doing it all and then feeling resentful.

He is a married man with responsibilities to his life partner and his new child.

But he thinks it's ok to act like a single guy and unilaterally decide he's going with his pals for a " lads" night away and leave his wife to look after his child.

He isn't a " lad" for heavens sake. He is a grown man. And he should act like one now he has a family.

Yes of course he deserves time to relax with his friends, as does OP. But from what she says he has had the opportunity to go out and enjoy himself.

I would certainly think.less off a man who still thinks of himself as a " lad" and who thinks the woman's place is at home looking after his child while he goes off drinking and whatever else he and his pals are planning.

I have a 3 month old. Why is the child screaming all night?!

Even if she’s exclusively breastfeeding he can wake up, deliver them for OP to do a side sleeping feed and then take babe back for winding and settling. For how ever many wakes required.

Sounds a pretty good deal to me

@HoppingPavlova Look, I also had a baby whose sleep went to shit early on. By 3 months, being woken every 2 hours was absolute torture. My DH taking the baby for a few hours early evening so I could get an extra hour or two of sleep, cooking some food, and changing a few nappies was EVERYTHING.

The job of the father in those early months is so, so important. He doesn't get to just go on a night out. His wife is doing the hard work, the least he could do is skip a lame night away. He's not a single 20 year old.

And how is he going to do that if he's out with his lads?

And my 3 month old (breastfed) would have cried inconsolably until I went to him. My DH is a caring, involved father. But around 8-9 weeks a switch happened in my baby and all he wanted was me. Every 2 hours. Nothing could change that. The least he can do is stay home, cook some food, and take the baby for a couple of hours. And he doesn't get a night off. She doesn't, and neither does he.