Lads night out at 3 months old

[Starvey]

My DH has decided he is going away for a night for a friend's birthday. Our DS has just turned 3 months and is either going through the 4 month sleep regression early or has suddenly turned with his sleeping patterns and is walking up every 2-3 hours at night and is being very unsettled/fussy during the day. 2 weeks ago DH's friend arranged a night away for his birthday (33rd birthday so nothing special) and my DH jumped at the chance without really consulting me.
I'm really struggling with our DS at the moment but that doesn't seem to matter to my DH who has said he still wants to be able to go out on special occasions. AIBU in thinking he should say no and stay at home? I'd get it if it was something that was pre booked before DS was born or was a stag do etc but to me a 33rd birthday isn't a special occasion. FWIW he has had a night out since DS was born.

I don’t think it matters if people on here say they would be happy for him to go. People raise babies with husbands in the military who are away for ten months at a time or whose husband died before the baby was born. There’s always going to be someone on Mumsnet telling you they had it worse.

What matters is you and your relationship. If you are struggling and would rather he supported you at the moment than went out, you should be able to say that to him.

I love how ‘martyr’ on Mumsnet seems to mean ‘doing it all and not speaking up’ and now suddenly ‘doing something you don’t want to do because your husband is doing the same thing’.

She doesn’t want a night away, she wants for her husband to forego a night away during this particularly difficult period of her life.

No. The problems in relationships occur when one doesn’t recognise the other is struggling.

This!

If he was going away for a week, maybe unreasonable. A night? YABU!!!!!

Can grown men not handle being ‘put on the spot?’

‘I’ll get back to you’ – simple.

@Starvey i completely get where you’re coming from. The sudden change in sleep can get you like a kick in the teeth especially when you feel like you’re just getting into the swing of things. Sleep deprivation is the worst and if baby is fussy in the day too you’re maybe not getting much rest there too.

I completely agree that any decision about someone going out should be joint once you have a baby as someone always needs to look after the baby. What if you had plans for the evening? I think it’s thoughtless at best but trying to give him the benefit of the doubt maybe he just hasn’t got used to the new way of things - if he’s been back at work for some time now realistically his life hasn’t changed as much as yours - I know my DH did say he found it really hard in those early days working then coming home straight to a baby in their witching hour(s) that sometimes would only settle for me really.

I would say anything said and done in the newborny phase needs to be dealt with grace on both sides. Talk to him. Now is the time you both need to work as a team. Explain you’re upset and why and that in the future as a courtesy you’d need to be involved in these decisions. If parents are willing and able - just go there - yes they may be woken up a few times but it’s one night for them they will catch up and they will want to help you. I completely get this feeling of feeling like you have to / should do it all on your own but honestly you just need to do what it takes to survive. You might be able to have a relax / bath / sleep early doors at your parents and then you can take over the other part of the night.

Finally, make sure you’re getting some time for you. It can be really common for feelings of resentment to pop up. If baby takes a bottle of/ you can express make sure you’re planning even a few hours where you can feel like you and dad can have baby for an evening. I know it’s not a competition but it does make you feel better when things are fairer.

congrats on the baby - I know everyone will say it but this phase feels so long and hard but it does just fly by - the nights are long but the days are short x

In a healthy relationship, both partners needs are important. He can recognize that she is struggling and make space for himself.

You're a dick

From reading your posts, I think the main problem is he decided it without even consulting you first. It not about permission but about discussion if the situation you are in right then is right and how you will cope if he goes out. What the expectation are etc. It annoys me even now when my DH makes plans and decides it is all ok and I can do XY or Z while he goes out. (I have DS 7.5 and DD 3.5 now)

But I don't think it is unreasonable for him to go away for 1 night for an birthday.

I also had a 2 hourly waker (i think until 6-8 months maybe longer). Not breastfeed though. Its really hard when you are in the position and feel like your DH is just swanning off for a good nights sleep without consideration for what you are going through. We had alot of wedding and stag dos when my DS was under 6 months so I did a few nights without DH. We came to the compromise that he would sort meals and shopping etc for me for when he was away. He either pre cooked a meal for me to reheat or got me a nice ready meal and pudding. Get me a few treats. Make sure the washing and cleaning were up to date so I didn't have to worry about that. Washed bottles and make sure formula was ready. I didn't make the hard 2 hourly waking any easier, but it meant I didn't have to worry about anything else and made me resent the fact he got some uninterrupted sleep a little less!

Read what she bloody said. She's struggling at the moment. We are very much not our rational selves post partum FFS.

Do NOT listen to bitches on this site who's day job is making women on MN feel like shit because they are deeply unhappy in their own lives.

Talk to him, properly. Don't argue. Tell him how you are feeling generally not just about the trip. He needs to understand how you feel to understand your reaction.

You are not right or wrong and that is irrelevant. You have a new baby, your hormones are all over the fucking place and that's ok.

You’ll cope, my ex went on a business trip when dd2 was 10 days old and dd1 was 2, no help at all but it was actually easier as no other adult to deal with or disrupting routine

YANBU. In the 3 months since you have had your baby, he has had 2 nights out with this being his 3rd. He has just assumed that you will be around to look after the baby and that he doesn't even need to check that.
I think he's being rude. The baby isn't just your responsibility, it's his too and he needs to step up if the baby is being difficult. You haven't said he can't go out at all (evidenced by his nights out already), what you have asked for is some common decency of it being a discussion, not a given, that you will pick up his slack.

Make sure he knows you want your nights out / away too when you are ready.

Space for himself shouldn’t be a night away on the piss when she needs him home.
He has had nights out and meals out, she’s not ready to be left alone over night yet.

You don’t need to write like that.

im also post partum. With a newborn and 2 other preschool children. My husband is going away with work for a week next week. So I not only understand the points OP is making, I’m also living a life with a newborn!

I don’t think anyone’s trying to make her feel stupid, but it is doable, and I mean if you’re linking the ability to go out for a night to baby sleep it’s possible it’ll be years before you can do that (both mine have been atrocious sleepers, eldest started sleeping as youngest was born so has been 4 years of 2-3 hour wake ups on a good night). If anything when everyone’s tired and grumpy, that’s the exact right time to get a bit of time out to recharge, plus easier in a way with a young baby as they’ll nap the next day or you can pop them in a pram and go for a coffee etc.

A lot of young people (both men and women) these days really aren't very resilient. I agree with you. I had to cope for a 3 days trip with a very young baby, and then DH got his 'turn' a few months later when I had a 5 day work trip away and DS was in the throws of teething. Neither kicked up a fuss.

Except OP says that her baby is very difficult in the daytime too. My 3 month olds would only nap for 30 minutes at a time in the day. On top of poor night sleep, they were cranky, unsettled and discontent most of the day. No relaxing naps where ‘popping out for a coffee’ was either possible or pleasurable.

OP never said she expected for it to be years before night away could happen. It’s very reasonable to wait until both parents are feeling more confident and comfortable, and three months old with your first baby is not it.

Piss ups for ‘lad’s’ birthdays aren’t work trips.

Who says it "shouldn't be"? A single night out for a birthday is perfectly reasonable and normal. Sure OP might not be thrilled about it, but nobody will be any happier or less tired if she forces him not to go. He misses out on fun, the baby still doesn't sleep. Sometimes we need to put on our big girl pants, be brave and see the bigger picture.

Personally I think he should be able to go on a night out, it's 1 night!!! Not like a week or anything. Neither you or him should be tied down like that and be able to get out once and a while , it will become suffocating

I really have no idea how some people get through life! Its a 3 month old baby! For one night!

The issue isn’t the night out it’s the lack of discussion about his going away. Have you spoken to him about it? Some men really are selfish gits. It’s not about being given permission they aren’t children it’s having the decency and respect to speak to their partner first.

Communication is your friend.