Lads night out at 3 months old

[Starvey]

My DH has decided he is going away for a night for a friend's birthday. Our DS has just turned 3 months and is either going through the 4 month sleep regression early or has suddenly turned with his sleeping patterns and is walking up every 2-3 hours at night and is being very unsettled/fussy during the day. 2 weeks ago DH's friend arranged a night away for his birthday (33rd birthday so nothing special) and my DH jumped at the chance without really consulting me.
I'm really struggling with our DS at the moment but that doesn't seem to matter to my DH who has said he still wants to be able to go out on special occasions. AIBU in thinking he should say no and stay at home? I'd get it if it was something that was pre booked before DS was born or was a stag do etc but to me a 33rd birthday isn't a special occasion. FWIW he has had a night out since DS was born.

In an ideal world, you'd be married to a man who was aware of the strain his night out would put you under, and would decline the invitation of his own accord because he actually wanted to support you. I mean, it's not like the worlds running out of beer and nights out will soon be a thing of the past, so its not a big deal to make some sacrifices while the demands of his child are so high. Unfortunately you are not married to such a man so are probably looking at a bit of push and pull on an ongoing basis when it comes to getting him to prioritise his family commitments. In these cases, it can be pragmatic to choose your battles, otherwise he's going to start moaning you're 'controlling' and make it a you problem.

He’s been out a few times in three months. If the poor little lamb needed a break he should have done the adult thing and sat down and talked to her about it. If his break is going to make things much harder for OP, why does his need trump hers? He’s a parent now and it isn’t just his life he needs to consider. This isn’t about him needing a break it’s about him deciding his lads night out is far more important than taking care of his baby. Sure she could talk to him about it but I’d bet my house that he gaslights her into saying she’s being controlling.

I can’t believe anyone here is defending him. If OP had posted she had agreed to go on a boozy night out without telling her husband, whilst the baby was going through a particularly difficult phase she’d be told what a terrible parent/wife she was being.

This nails it.

My husband would never want to add to my stress or struggles. Not would I to him.

Maybe that’s why I can’t comprehend the responses in OP’s partner’s favour on here.

Why would she have to tell him immediately? It doesn’t have to be at the exact same time. Maybe her friend called to arrange something that morning, or the day before and she hasn’t got round to telling him yet. Why couldn’t he say “let me check it’s ok” first? That’s common decency. Why are so many people here defending this dickhead?

I’d say this is a battle to choose. Nip this crap in the bud.

We looked after a 3 month old for a week because mum was really struggling. He was really unsettled, had tummy issues, cried a lot, was sleeping badly. It was really full on. The only way I managed it, as a fully experienced mum was because there was two of us and we tag teamed each other, sharing the load. I could have managed one night by myself, but it would have been hideous. There were times when my team mate changed her plans without telling me and I had to manage when I thought I’d have a break. That was really hard and I was really annoyed at her.

But if she had (and she hadn't so it's not actually relevant) made plans without discussing it first, they'd be just as bad as each other surely?
This is how parenting turns into competitive martyrdom. Far better to start from a place of both having a reasonable level of autonomy and independence.
It should be perfectly acceptable to tell your spouse you are going out sometimes. No chance am I asking every time - that's not healthy.

I think that assumes that the OPs husband is a compliant individual who will do as he's told if the OP tells him no. In reality, he is likely to push back strongly if she attempts to 'nip it in the bud' either with flat out refusal to stay in, or via emotional manipulation to make OP believe she's in the wrong for trying to control and restrict him. Some men are very quick to appropriate language used to describe abusive behaviour such as 'controlling' and weaponise it against women who want them to provide reasonable support. Women then often believe themselves to be at fault. I'm assuming the OP isn't at the LTB stage, so will be looking for ways to navigate her husband's behaviour to make it work.

n an ideal world, you'd be married to a man who was aware of the strain his night out would put you under, and would decline the invitation of his own accord because he actually wanted to support you.

how is your partner declining an invitation going to help you in any way?

You want to be helpfu and supportive with a baby? You take turn, you don't need 2 parents being kept awake at the same time, what's the actual point of that?

People are being ridiculous. I know misery is supposed to like company, but trying to make parents life as miserable as possible is bizarre.

You can't see how having another adult on hand to take turns getting up with a fractious baby in the night so you at least get some rest is better than having to do it alone? Someone to hold the baby for you to go to the toilet, get a drink, prepare a feed? Or why it would be better, even if it was your 'turn' to do the night shift, that your partner would be getting a sober nights rest, so he could step up next day and rather than being the worse for a big night out so youre on double duty again? If course its possible to manage all of it on your own, but if you care for someone, why would you want them to?

I then we do a disservice to mums when we lie (because often it is a lie) and say that sleep will get better as they get older.

Often regressions etc means their sleep deteriorates, as you are now finding. I think it would be kinder it we warned women this might happen.

However, 2-3 hours during a regression seems terrible to you because it's less than it was, but objectively, it's still pretty good. It took till 18m for my second to be that good a sleeper!

Things like nights out need to be discussed, and I think he needs to shift his mentality from being in charge of only himself, to being part of a team.

That said, you're on maternity, not working, have no older children to juggle, and baby is still sleeping reasonably well. I'd be happy for him to go. There's no point waiting a few months because whilst sleep might be better, it might not.

Sorry you are struggling OP. Parents should discuss their plans with each other because obviously it makes a big difference if the other person is there or not, however, I don't think a couple of nights away and a couple of evenings out in 3 months sounds unreasonable. You should also have a break too though so definitely plan something in.

I agree with others he should have asked but it is only one and it’s important for both parents to maintain friendships.

I don't think we agree on what "taking turn" means.

Having broken sleep for both parents at the same time is not useful, and refusing or resenting the other one for having a one night off is unhealthy.

If you can't be on " double duty" (meaning normal duty) for a couple of days, you really shouldn't have a baby.

In normal couples, instead of refusing for the other to have a life, partners give the other nights off, sometimes to sleep through, sometimes to get away. Much nicer

I agree - I'd rather have a full night off every other night than endless 'shared' nights where I only get woken up frequently for half the night (if that's even a thing).

You are confusing your own preferences with what is 'normal' and 'healthy'. A situation can only ever be healthy if both parties agree and are happy. Which is not the case here.
You are also confusing 'CAN'T manage for a couple of days' with 'why should you have to manage for a couple of days' which is exactly the technique I was describing that is used to manipulate women into doing without as much support as they would like.
You're basically saying If you're not happy to get up several times a night and do all the childcare the next day so your partner can go out drinking, you're a rubbish mum who shouldn't have had a baby. Which is just trying to shame women into not objecting to men leaving them to it.

“If you can't be on " double duty" (meaning normal duty) for a couple of days, you really shouldn't have a baby.”

What a helpful comment!

There go OP! Your problems have been solved. You just need to either find a Time Machine and not get pregnant or give the baby up for adoption ☺️

He is aloud to celebrate a birthday without your permission and he is aloud to leave the house with out your permission time to be an adult and step into reality stop playing at mummies and daddies

Allowed*

Pretty sure being sleep deprived doesn't qualify as "healthy" and 2 sleep deprived parents are not in the best interest of anyone.

You are the one turning into a "shaming women" argument. I am defending the right for BOTH parents to have a full night sleep and/or (not at the same time) a night or evening out with friends.

It's sad that it's usually women who martyr themselves and pretend the baby could not possibly cope without them, and because they don't WANT to get out, neither should their partner.

You're basically saying If you're not happy to get up several times a night and do all the childcare the next day so your partner can go out drinking
I am not saying that, you are, but a PARENT (male or female) should be able to handle a baby alone to give a rest to the other, yes. (breastfeeding issues aside, obviously).

I know on MN posters do need 2 parents to do bath time for a toddler, it's not something I've ever seen in real life though.

Which is just trying to shame women into not objecting to men leaving them to it. I am shaming any parent objecting to the other leaving them to it. Dads should be as involved and able as mums, even if the full-time worker obviously has a different schedule than the one on maternity leave.

There is no need for you to defend the rights of both parents to go out, because this isn't a thread about both parents going out with the other happily covering for them. Its a thread about a woman who is already doing more than her fair share, going through a particularly difficult stage, and a man who has announced he's going out and leaving her to it. It's that that needs defending, not a theoretical scenario where both are perfectly happy taking turns.

Its a thread about a woman who is already doing more than her fair share says who? You?

The OP is asking if it's unreasonable to expect her DH to say no and stay home. The answer is yes, it is unreasonable. The man has been out once since the birth if I read that correctly.

Is the OP unreasonable to dismiss the birthday because for her it doesn't matter? Yes.

She asked, we replied.

And the reason why she is unreasonable is because they should take turn. I did say that the DH should not assume the mum would be available to look after the baby, when you have a child, you ASK if the other is there that night before planning something - meaning mum or dad can equally make plans.

I went out for my 28th bday when my daughter was 3 months. She was exclusively breast fed and I eagerly built up a bank of breast milk for the occasion for my mum to give her. I see this is for a friend’s bday, I wouldn’t mind only if I also could go out and he’d be happy to take the reins.

She has had a really hard time and you're calling her a martyr...wow solidarity....

Why don't posters realise that THEIR anecdotes are completely unhelpful to this woman? She doesn't give a shit what YOU did with your first DS 🙄. Everyone experiences the post partum period differently.