Lads night out at 3 months old

[Starvey]

My DH has decided he is going away for a night for a friend's birthday. Our DS has just turned 3 months and is either going through the 4 month sleep regression early or has suddenly turned with his sleeping patterns and is walking up every 2-3 hours at night and is being very unsettled/fussy during the day. 2 weeks ago DH's friend arranged a night away for his birthday (33rd birthday so nothing special) and my DH jumped at the chance without really consulting me.
I'm really struggling with our DS at the moment but that doesn't seem to matter to my DH who has said he still wants to be able to go out on special occasions. AIBU in thinking he should say no and stay at home? I'd get it if it was something that was pre booked before DS was born or was a stag do etc but to me a 33rd birthday isn't a special occasion. FWIW he has had a night out since DS was born.

Unlike most here, I think YANBU. At the very least, he should have discussed it with you. Unless it's a really special occaision (it doesn't sound like this is), I'd except my husband not just to piss off on a bender and leave me while I'm struggling. Surely he can resume his nights out in a few months' time when things are a bit more manageable.

So it’s the approach he’s taken to making the decision to have a night out rather than the night itself. Which is a different issue really?

if this question was the other way around and it was a mum wanting a night away from a 3 month old baby and the Dad was kicking up a fuss I think the responses would be very different!!

Gosh let him out it’s been 3 months do you not want a break from him too?
make It an event, nice takeaway, candles on pjs on or even get a friend or family member round to stay.
my DH has been working away mon-Fri since our DD was 3 weeks old. He’s doesn’t want to but the moneys good and mat leave pay isn’t great,

I agree, was going to post similar. When you're so sleep deprived it feels awful and really bloody daunting when they're so little.

Could you get your mum or dad round for the night? Or a friend or sibling. Get some tasty snacks, put a film on that you don't care about missing a few parts of if you have to settle the baby. Whatever you guys like doing to relax. Then you could have a nice breakfast together in the morning. Maybe a walk or something after.

I got the burnt out feeling too, I know it doesn't really help but I've been there too, it's shit but it really doesn't last. But I remember how out of my depth and fucking knackered I felt.

If no-one can come round, I'd do similar tbh. Loads of shite reality tv or something easy to dip in and out of, loads of nice food you like and try and enjoy some sort of peace, and the feeling you can do it alone if nothing else. Not that you should have too.
Are you cross with him for planning to going out? Have you told him how exhausted you are?

what’s Done is done this time round but I’d Just ask him to check in with you first next time. I remember how hard these days / nights are (I was on my own by the time DC 2 was born) but equally it’s really important that the drudge (for both of you) is broken from time to time.

if you aren’t in a position to physically do this just yet (make sure you do when you can) them as someone else said -can you get a friend or family member over for the night to break it up a bit.

in many ways, even though it was gruelling having a newborn and toddler on my own, the one thing I didn’t have to deal with was resentment of anyone else doing or not doing anything!

He is wrong to just agree and not check with you. That said are you both up with the baby? Assume he is working and you’re on mat leave. Its one night and wouldn’t have bothered me as I did most of the wakings anyway. A weekend is a bit different but one night will be fine i’m sure. Plan something yourself if not bf, even if its a night of sleep in a hotel.

It’s rude for him to assume and to just decide he’s going with no discussion and that would’ve pissed me off if I were yoi. I wouldn’t mind him being away for a night at all, personally, but it should’ve been a conversation before he’d agreed to it! My husband went away for 5 nights when our first was a similar age, perhaps slightly older, but it was a very close friends stag do and we’d talked about it and I’d agreed to it beforehand! It was absolutely fine, quite nice in a way as he helped me do a lot of prep work (meals, cleaning etc!) and I put no pressure on myself to do very much at all but have a nice time with baby. Past the first couple of weeks, I was the only one getting up in the night anyway as I was breastfeeding and he was back to work, so didn’t make much odds there admittedly.

I’m surprised so many posters agree with you OP. It’s one night! He should have discussed it with you though.

Are you coping ok generally? You mention going to your parents every day?

3 months isn’t a newborn. Both DH and I had been on a few nights out by that age and we had twins.

Yes it’s not the night out / away whatever. I think that’s important so both parties have a break, but checking in first just just would have been thoughtful

Think I should have worded this differently to what the actual issue is. DH has already had a night out so this isn't really the main problem, it's more around him not discussing it with me like my opinions and feelings don't matter.

Exactly this. My DP went on an overnight stag do when dd1 was 5 days old, and again when dd2 was 2 days old. Both were exclusively breastfed so he wasn’t a necessity at night, and tbh I enjoyed the time just me and the girls.

That said both were shit sleepers, dd2 still is (dd1 started sleeping through as dd2 arrived) so we’ve had 4 years of 2 hourly or more wakes mostly for me as I was the on bf. If life got put on hold until we were getting more sleep, we’d never do anything.

Having a baby can throw a bomb in your life and your relationship, it’s so important to keep a small part of yourself. DP goes on a night out maybe once a month with his friends and plays football. I can’t really be out overnight until dd2 is weaned, so my me time is during the day. It’s just life with small kids, you should have the opportunity to still do your own thing but that might have to look different for mum ha dad.

He's already been on a night out as well as a couple of meals out so I have "let him out". I get a break from him when he's at work.

Op said the night out isn’t the problem it’s the fact he’s not discussed it with her

The baby is 3 months old not 3 weeks. He should be able to have 1 night with his friends the same way you should have some time away.

If he's an otherwise helpful and good Dad i'm not sure what the problem is.

Let him have his night out and you get the afternoon off to sleep/relax and chill before he goes?
I had the same experience just after my DS was born and felt similar however looking back I feel different. Probably helps that DH is hands on and always encourages me to have time out too. He actually came home early and didn’t drink much at all, he was too tired!

Dad's are wired different to mums IMO.

Once you become a mum that DC comes first in everything. Dads don't make this change. He will have always made his own decisions based on his wants and needs, he hasn't changed.

This. Plan your own night out. You will manage fine and will surprise yourself.

He does need “permission”, just as you would need “permission”.

Discussion about these things before agreeing is common courtesy in a marriage, especially when there is a baby in the mix.

I can’t imagine you’d agree to a night away without checking with him first.

Of course he should have discussed it with you but I think we've all agreed to make plans in the heat of the moment. Life with a new baby is hard enough, i'd make a point of saying you must discuss these things first and let it go. If it happens again, different story.

In your first post you said you think he should have said no to the night out and stayed at home, which I don't think is particularly reasonable - although I completely understand and sympathise that 3 month old babies are hard work (mine is 5 months at the moment), having the odd night out or time for yourselves is good for both of you.

But if the issue is actually that he hasn't consulted with you about it, that's more reasonable. He doesn't need permission but it would go a long way for him to say 'I've been invited on a birthday night out and I'm really keen to go. I know the baby is going through a tricky phase just now so is there anything I can do to make it easier for you to manage while I'm out? And let's plan for you to get time to yourself that week as well.'

This baby is 3 months old and not a newborn ....

It’s one night. Baby is 3mths old. Yes many are doing 6hrs at this age. Many aren’t so waking every 2/3hrs is also normal

let him go out. It’s a friends birthday

would you go out if invited for a friends birthday ?

It's one night tbh I don't see how it's different to a lads night locally, because even if he came home if he'd been drinking a fair amount you wouldn't want him dealing with a small baby.

He definitely needs to give you some time off in return, you might not want a night away at this stage but whatever you do want, a night in the spare room with earplugs, a day out with a friend etc.

To add my ds didn't sleep through until he was almost 3, should neither of us have had a night out for 3 years?