Lads night out at 3 months old

[Starvey]

My DH has decided he is going away for a night for a friend's birthday. Our DS has just turned 3 months and is either going through the 4 month sleep regression early or has suddenly turned with his sleeping patterns and is walking up every 2-3 hours at night and is being very unsettled/fussy during the day. 2 weeks ago DH's friend arranged a night away for his birthday (33rd birthday so nothing special) and my DH jumped at the chance without really consulting me.
I'm really struggling with our DS at the moment but that doesn't seem to matter to my DH who has said he still wants to be able to go out on special occasions. AIBU in thinking he should say no and stay at home? I'd get it if it was something that was pre booked before DS was born or was a stag do etc but to me a 33rd birthday isn't a special occasion. FWIW he has had a night out since DS was born.

Adding to my comment I agree with DH he should be able to go out to celebrate his friends birthday. I’d be upset if my DH said no to me. My DS was unsettled had tension and bottle refusal but we always made it work from 10 weeks old we both went out one evening a week wether that be a night out or a walk or popping to see a friend

DH needs to be more understanding and tell you before saying yes but I feel like most mums resent the fact their partner goes out, maybe you need to start leaving baby every so often to get some you time too x

this isn’t what she’s saying though is it!

Well but this is to the point. Can the DH not care for his child for a single night?

One night away isn't the issue, but the fact he didn't discuss it beforehand. As a matter of respect and courtesy, to your partner, it should be discussed. No one says a man or woman should need 'permission' from the other, to go out or stay away from home for a night. However, a partner shouldn't have it sprung on them without it even being discussed. There are plenty of women who have to cope with their partner being away overnight for work or even longer. Ask your partner to discuss things like this with you next time, and ask him to cover a nighttime before he goes away. If you are able to ask your parents/sibling or friend to stay over, then do this or see if you can stay elsewhere overnight with your baby, so you have some support if needed. It's daunting being on your own at night with a newborn baby.

its one night and baby is three months old, I don’t see the issue if I’m honest. But, it would be fair to discuss it.

I think she said he'd had one? In 90 days.

That's a jam packed calendar for some mumsnetters.

There's always a "pocket of hardship". Teething, growth spurts, colds, tummy bugs, changes of routine as they drop a nap, potty training, weaning, night terrors, boundary pushing, school issues, sibling conflict. At any given time there's usually something that could be better. There's never an ideal time. One day there's bound to be an unavoidable issue which means dad is absent, maybe in a stressful circumstance like injury or bereaved. Imagine having to deal with a solo bit of parenting for the first time on top of that? Again, outwith v unusual circumstances, all parents, male and female ought not to feel that child wrangling alone is Impossible.

You could do what my husband and I do, any time he’s had away from the kids I then get the same amount in return. Full on 50/50 split. Stops any resentment, means everyone’s pulling their weight but also you can look forward to some child free time when he comes back - think of how many hours that Is he will owe you! we do it even down to an hour , sounds silly but works great! As we have a baby and a slighter older one

I agree ... I've been consoling a hyperventilating young colleague this morning who got a parking ticket.

He's had more from OP's updates. Regardless – first baby, young baby, struggling mum. No brainer to skip this one out.

Totally agree with you. Sure, he could say ok I won't go out now, and leave it 3 more months, and then what? Baby is teething and suddenly it's oh nooooooo I don't waaaant you to go out again. In 9 months? Baby has started nursery and has an illness. Oh nooooooo I don't waaaant you to go out. Children are unpredictable. There will ALWAYS be something to throw a curved ball. Even when they are 8, 11 or 15 years old. This is parenthood.
Both mum and dad need downtime. In OP's shoes I would be organising a day out for me, with no responsibilities in a week's time. I am not an evening person who would prefer a day.

It’s not about permission, it’s about him being a parent. If he books a night away without consultation, he’s saying OP is the default parent and he doesn’t have to consider who is looking after the baby whilst he is out. For all he knows, OP had organised something for that night.

We’ve been together/married for 25 years and neither I nor my husband would dream of just agreeing to a night out without running it past each other. We both do hybrid working and have to make sure we aren’t both working in the office on the same day. Neither of us need permission, but we are a team who work together so we check with each other that our plans work for the family.

How much of the nights does he do?

Because he either does a fair share and can take the brunt the night before and after or he doesn't do a fair share and therefore is making a decision to go without asking you first because he either doesn't know how hard it is or he thinks it's your job.

Bad advice. How can OP possibly bring up a “you need to consult me and communicate before saying yes now we have a child” if she is petty and does the same back…

What a load of nonsense. This has nothing to do with resilience it has to do with respect. If you would be happy with your child’s father just deciding they were going off for a couple, of day without consulting you, then you need to raise your bar.

Young people today are just as resilient as any other generation. This “back in my day” stuff is a load of rubbish.

It clearly is about permission because the OP obviously doesn't have plans. She only wants the discussion so he will stay at home with her. It's perfectly fine to make plans when you know your partner has an empty calendar - the discussion would come if there was clash.

Because sometimes this is the only kind of thing that makes it clear something is an issue. As we can see here, so many people are berating OP and making excuses for him. I daresay he’ll make the same excuses. Buggering off and leaving him to deal with it might just wake him up to reality. It isn’t petty at all, but even if it was, there is nothing wrong with that.

Zero issues from my perspective as long as it balances out. Then again my DH has DS for 2 or 3 nights by himself when he was less than 2 weeks old as I was back in hospital.

It isn’t about permission. He didn’t know she didn’t have plans, he made an assumption. Why wait until the clash until you have the discussion? This is about a bloke making her default parent. If that’s ok with you, raise your bar.

This has happened once in 3 months. DH clearly felt like he needed a break and said yes to a night out for his friends birthday. Whilst I agree he should of spoke to OP first I think it’s really petty and unhelpful to do the same back to try and make a “point”
why is it hard to deal with situations like adults? Just tell DH he needs to consult you in future and that you’ll be planning an evening out soon to have some me time too. Why the petty ness or the tit for tat?

I really sympathise - my son has CMPA and silent reflux and I genuinely believe that people will never understand what that is like until they have experienced it because my son has pushed my sanity at times. So I think in this scenario, I can understand why you feel the way you do. It is extremely difficult and I don’t think you are wrong for feeling how you feel given the circumstances.

He's not unreasonable to have a night out - but it was really unfair to book and confirm without checking in with you.

It's not about 'permission', it's about kindness and consideration for your life partner and mother of your child - especially when that child is very young and that life partner is struggling.

Even now my DH tends to check in when he's organising something - not in a 'can I do this please?' way but more of a 'I was going to head out with the guys on such and such a night, just wanted to check there's nothing that'll clash with it before I confirm?' way. It's just basic courtesy between partners and co-parents.

Surely if she had plans she would have told him? Unless you're saying they both happened to make plans at the exact same time, and neither of them thought to discuss it?
There's no reason to think she couldn't make plans if she wanted to. That she doesn't is not evidence that she couldn't.