Lads night out at 3 months old

[Starvey]

My DH has decided he is going away for a night for a friend's birthday. Our DS has just turned 3 months and is either going through the 4 month sleep regression early or has suddenly turned with his sleeping patterns and is walking up every 2-3 hours at night and is being very unsettled/fussy during the day. 2 weeks ago DH's friend arranged a night away for his birthday (33rd birthday so nothing special) and my DH jumped at the chance without really consulting me.
I'm really struggling with our DS at the moment but that doesn't seem to matter to my DH who has said he still wants to be able to go out on special occasions. AIBU in thinking he should say no and stay at home? I'd get it if it was something that was pre booked before DS was born or was a stag do etc but to me a 33rd birthday isn't a special occasion. FWIW he has had a night out since DS was born.

You go to your parents every day?
I really cannot comprehend you're thinking of staying there overnight!

Oh don’t get me wrong - my first especially was exactly the same, no naps of any significant duration, hated the pram, hated being a baby, but in hindsight still easier than wrangling a tired and unwilling toddler (in my experience anyway).

I think the point is just that if you’ve had to do it sooner than 3 months for whatever reason, your perspective is skewed by the fact it is possible, and tbh not necessarily as awful as you think it’ll be (and again, my experience, but actually made little difference to me if he was there or not given I was bf).

I think you need to have a conversation that it's the lack of discussion that seems disrespectful rather than the fact he's going out.
I think you need to also plan a night away so you can have a break and he can be in charge for a while.

It's only 1 night. You will ruin your relationship by being this petty.

You've clearly not read the post I was replying to properly, they said could you stay with your parents overnight to which I saidi go during the day but not considered staying overnight. I didn't say I go there every day, I've been to my parents once or twice in 3 months for a few hours in the day.

The lack of discussion would annoying me. If you parent equally, then it doubles the other person's workload when one parent is out. Of course no one is going to ever say no to a reasonable request. And you would be unreasonable to say he had to stay in when its a one off. But its a bit rude to effectively say 'you're doing my share as well as yours that night' rather than say 'dave has arranged this, and I really want to go, hope ok, I'll take the baby the night before so you're not too knackered'. Also men tend to do this more than women, you don't want to be in a position of default parent, would you ever do that to him without checking first?

I remember being completely knackered and the absolute panic that I would have to do extra.

Because his partner is not ready to be left overnight alone with the baby.

That’s why it “shouldn’t be”

Sorry. I thought I’d made that clear in the previous post.

Arsehole.
He has a baby. His life has changed. He doesn't get to do fun shit like that when he has a non-sleeping newborn at home.

this seems a bit extreme!

You said - I go to my parents during the day

This reads like you go daily

Yabu. It's one night. As long as he shares the load normally I don't see issue.

So what if she did?
I know lots of cultures where this would be the norm.

Of course she's ready. It just isn't what she would prefer.

The reason why so many mums are burnt out is because they refuse to give themselves a break (add to that the amount of people on this forum that make it seem like a crime to want to leave your child for an hour or two 😳) It’s ok to not be with your baby 24/7, it’s ok to want a little time to yourself to recharge. Funnily enough it does you the world of good 😊

She’s not ready.

You don’t get to decide that for her.

Also from your 1st post you’ve said “I’m really struggling at the moment” - it’s such a shame that on a website to support mums some of the responses have been

• ”he doesn’t need to ask permission” - I wouldn’t call it asking permission but there needs to be a joint decisions re who’s going on nights out and you should be able to express to your partner if you’re struggling and and need support at home even if they have plans- I don’t know why this is being framed as asking permission.
• “ 3months is not a newborn” - it’s barely not a newborn, come on- it’s not like her dc is 3 years old. And OP has made it clear her baby slept more as a newborn than they do now which is the problem.
• “my DH went on a 5 day trip my child was a day old and I was fine” that’s great for you - but can you see how this would make a new mum who has already said she’s struggling feel rubbish. She doesn’t have an issue with him going out but now is a particularly bad time with sleep and she’s feeling overwhelmed. Saying how easy you found it or that you managed to do it without any other info / advice isn’t really helpful. There will always be someone who’s gone through worse or is in a seemingly more challenging situation but that doesn’t mean OPs feelings of overwhelm are not valid.
• “ she needs a night away on her own but if she wants to martyr herself ..” wouldn't martyring herself be pretending she was happy with her DH going away when she was wasn’t and struggling in silence ? When actually OP has voiced her concerns and asked for help. She may well have multiple nights planned in the future, the problem is she is struggling NOW with sleep deprivation and exhaustion and is worried about the night in the near future ahead on her own. I do agree that finding time for yourself as individuals / a couple is vital but I don’t agree that the solution to this issue is just going out herself in a few weeks / months
• “ the posters suggesting she goes to her parents for the night are being very unreasonable” - just don’t get this one - if she has this help available to her why not accept it. Everyone has the right to raise their kids how they like - OP has support closeby in her parents why would she not utilise that

I hope you are able to have a useful discussion with your DH. And sorry you’ve had such a hard time on here

You implied that you go to your parents every single day

If you are not coping, can he afford to get you in a ' night Nanny ' and again every single time he goes out overnight on a jolly.

Obiv if you were a single parent or a widow or married to a husband in the forces etc. you would ' cope ' because you have no choice

but when he is going out overnight on a jolly, you do have a choice, as does he.

‘Possible’ doesn’t equal necessary and for the best however.

OP, I get it. We had a terrible time with DS 1 and I would have really struggled with DH going away.

I think the issue here is that he hasn't considered the impact on you, and certainly doesn't seem to have thought abouot how he could minimise that. There's no chance in hell DH would have gone away when DS was that young - I was barely functioning at that point but I accept we were an extreme case - but even if he wanted a night out etc, he would go, but the discussion would be had around how to mitigate that for me. At that point, I was still going to bed quite early and he'd be up with DS off and on until at least 1am, so if he went out for the night, he did so knowing that the'd have to get up early the next morning as I wouldn't have got any sleep.

You're understandably upset because you're already the "default parent" ie the expectation is that you will do everything, will always be available, and parenting and supporting you just fits into his schedule when he feels like.

He should ask if you are available to stay with your baby that night before booking something, I agree. If you never make plan and prefer to stay with your baby anyway (and absolutely nothing wrong with that) it seems it's not on his radar that you might not be available yourself.

Tell him!

One of you need to stay with your baby, check what the other is doing before making plans.

it's a baby, not a prison sentence 😂

Dad AND MUM are allowed to do "fun shit" even when they have a baby. They actually should, it's necessary to get away for your physical and mental health.

Seems you martyred yourself, and look how bitter that made you!

Christ Alive, its a baby not a bloody 12 year sentence to hard labour in Siberia

Lighten up

Sometimes I think that having an unsettled baby is a good reason to having a break sometimes and going out with friends for your mental health. Baby has 2 capable parents which means your DH is able to have a night out here and there and so should you.

Do I think DH should have informed you before saying yes? Yes I do! & that’s something you need to tell him in future you want that communication. Do I think he should go? Yes!

I also think you need to leave baba with dad once every fortnight to do something you want to do with friends and have a break too.

Many many things are not optimal in parenting and life in general but reality is that rarely does ONE thing absolutely have to be top of the list. Parenting / work / self care/ maintaining a social support network are all important. Most things in life are not absolutely crucial or life/ death but we find a balance. Maybe it's for the best that the OP does this and gains confidence knowing she coped.

And perhaps the 'balance' can sway to the OP during this particular pocket of hardship. Especially as the husband has frequent night's out anyway.

Absolutely.