Lads night out at 3 months old

[Starvey]

My DH has decided he is going away for a night for a friend's birthday. Our DS has just turned 3 months and is either going through the 4 month sleep regression early or has suddenly turned with his sleeping patterns and is walking up every 2-3 hours at night and is being very unsettled/fussy during the day. 2 weeks ago DH's friend arranged a night away for his birthday (33rd birthday so nothing special) and my DH jumped at the chance without really consulting me.
I'm really struggling with our DS at the moment but that doesn't seem to matter to my DH who has said he still wants to be able to go out on special occasions. AIBU in thinking he should say no and stay at home? I'd get it if it was something that was pre booked before DS was born or was a stag do etc but to me a 33rd birthday isn't a special occasion. FWIW he has had a night out since DS was born.

It’s 1 night.

as long as of you wanted to do the same he is on board then I don’t see the issue.

The problem would be if he expects to continue a life like a non parent while you do all the parenting.

Whilst on Mat leave I do think the mum picks up a greater weight of household chores but the split should be an equal 50/50 with regards to going out, free time, cooking dinners etc.

My dh had a night away when my ds was 2 months. That was fine with me, I wanted him to have a break and meet his friends. I expected the same in return though I bf so he couldnt return the favour properly for ages. It’s nice to do things for each other and allow each other to have breaks. Having a small dc can be so intense.

Everyone else has said it - he doesn't need permission and it's only done night. How would you manage if he had a job where he worked nights, or was in the army and away for weeks at a time? But, yes, start planning your own night away to make sure you also get a break.

But how would the discussion have gone that doesn't end up with him essentially asking permission? You'd have said I don't want you to, he'd have said but it's just one night and maybe "I'll do next Saturday" or whatever and you'd either be in the same place as you are now or worse with a huge row. The discussion can come when you do similar and (if) he tries to object. I completely disagree that it's normal for both parents to be welded together and to the house for X months.

As a society we have fetishised parenthood into this Herculean almost impossible task at which all our resources must be aimed. Barring really extenuating circumstances, either parent ought io be able, by three months, to do one night alone without it being daunting. I'm an SP to teens now..they've most definitely had and are having challenges from babyhood on but parenting a baby or child is a normal everyday thing, not a mission to Mars or striving for an olympic gold medal. Maybe if we just accommodated the baby into normal life rather than changing every aspect to revolve around parenting it would be easier.

I’m sorry you’re getting snotty comments from perfect women who were never overwhelmed when they had tiny babies.
In real life, most people don’t want to be parenting alone at this stage.

Ah, classic Mumsnet. Where fellow mums will make you feel stupid for struggling with your first baby and 4hrs of broken sleep each night while the father goes away for a piss up.

No, OP. I think at 3 months in with your first and struggling with it, his place is at home with the both of you until you all feel more settled, content and confident. You come first. Full stop. And yes, it certainly warrants a discussion at the very least, not simply him telling you he’s going.

Agree.

And the posters telling you to go to your parents for the night are being Very unreasonable.

Totally agree he should have discussed it with you before he confirmed he could go, but I def think he should be able to. 3 day or week old would be different, but by 3 months I think you should both be able to have a night away

He definitely should have discussed this with you, not simply decided and landed it on you.

However as you know, you will be absolutely fine.

You don’t want to take the baby overnight to your parents (which is very considerate), but could you have a night off and go and stay there on your own sometime soon?

You need to discuss with him how this makes you feel and even though he is not unreasonable for wanting a night out, he is unreasonable for simply informing you of said fact.

Good luck.

Book into a hotel the night before he goes away so he does the childcare and he'll be fresh and ready for a night out!

He doesn't need permission for an occasional night out. Running it by you in case you have other plans perhaps - but that's obviously not the issue here. Yes it's hard when they don't sleep, but don't martyr yourselves, I think it makes it harder in the long run. He can repay you in kind when you're feeling ready, or with a few extra lie ins.

It’s 1 night. Bit different if he was going on a lads holiday for a week, but I really think you should be able to cope for one night.

Arrange a night out with your friends for a few weeks time, share the load.

He should have asked if it was ok - he doesn’t need ‘permission’ as such, but he does need to check that the other member of the team is willing to pick up the slack whilst he goes off with his mates.

for what it’s worth OP, you’ll be fine. Get a takeaway, don’t do anything more than you need to around the house, just relax and chill as much as you can with your baby.

It's certainly made me feel like shit for struggling with a cmpa and silent reflux baby who has gone from sleeping 5+ hours between feeds at night and relatively well during the day to lees than 3 hours through the night, every night and awful during the day. When he didn't even sleep that badly as a newborn it's a struggle regardless of his age now.
Certainly won't be posting on here looking for any form of reassurance/validation in the middle of the night again

Ignore the posters. YANBU. Looking after a very young baby at night and early morning on your own is so difficult and tiring. Your husband will be useless even when he comes home as he’ll be hungover. Posters saying he needs a break? When do new mums get a break?

Think I went out more than my husband after I’d had our son 😂 and at 3 months old we both had a night away together! Don’t see why he shouldn’t go out as long as you have the opportunity aswell.

Who said those of us who would t object had the perfect babies and didn’t parenting alone difficult?

What people are saying is in a relationship people still need to retain autonomy over their own social lives and for it to be equal.

The problem occurs when one partner doesn’t allow things to be equal - for example OP announces she’s doing the same in 3 months time and he has an issue with it.

Because she’s struggling on her own. It’s not rocket science.

I would have been upset by this too OP. My husband had a first night away when DD was around that age and I remember feeling quite overwhelmed, he talked to me about how I felt before he committed though. I also think it's inherently unfair for him to be out and about regularly whilst you can't do the same if you're breastfeeding?

I hope DS is sleeping longer stretches for you soon, sleep deprivation is just the worst. I found it a comfort to remind myself everything is just a stage- I hope its a short one ❤️

You need to have a day or night out with your own friends or family and even things up.

Of course it's a struggle. Little babies almost always are. But it's one night, with plenty of warning. You can power through, and he can do the same when you're ready. It isn't healthy to martyr yourselves to parenting, sometimes you both feel better from pushing through and making time for other things.

in a relationship people still need to retain autonomy over their own social lives and for it to be equal.

That doesn’t need to be in the form of a night away with a poorly sleeping, difficult 3 month old and struggling mum though, does it. With his numerous nights out, doesn’t seem like her partner is having any problems at all maintaining his ‘autonomy’.

Well then she needs a break herself then doesn’t she.. but if she wants to be a martyr 🤷🏻‍♀️

Was he put on the spot where he had to say either....Yes, great, count me in! ... or... Don't know, just need to make sure MOH is ok with it....? Hmmm. I'd let it go this time and see if you can go to your parents the next day for some respite. It's not about him going, it's about him not running it past you but....did he want to avoid being teased??

So if you are not struggling you area 'perfect' parent? Or just communicate and have a mature equal relationship?