Lads night out at 3 months old

[Starvey]

My DH has decided he is going away for a night for a friend's birthday. Our DS has just turned 3 months and is either going through the 4 month sleep regression early or has suddenly turned with his sleeping patterns and is walking up every 2-3 hours at night and is being very unsettled/fussy during the day. 2 weeks ago DH's friend arranged a night away for his birthday (33rd birthday so nothing special) and my DH jumped at the chance without really consulting me.
I'm really struggling with our DS at the moment but that doesn't seem to matter to my DH who has said he still wants to be able to go out on special occasions. AIBU in thinking he should say no and stay at home? I'd get it if it was something that was pre booked before DS was born or was a stag do etc but to me a 33rd birthday isn't a special occasion. FWIW he has had a night out since DS was born.

YABVU. It’s one night. I hope he has a good night.

Let him go, he will resent you and the baby if he cannot go out for 1 night. It’s not the end of the world.

Did you read the post I am replying to? Completely unreasonable doesn't cover it.

the OP asked a question, people replied. What else do you want us to do?

OP I think what you may be baulking at is that you’ve realised you have become the default parent in your DH’s eyes. He can do as he pleases because you are there to look after DC and that is your role. His life changes comparatively little because he picks and chooses what’s his to do and you fill all the gaps. You, on the other hand, probably check and double check with DH if you are considering doing anything without the baby, especially anything that is just for you rather than some household thing like food shopping.

If I’m right about this, YANBU, it is a trap many (probably most) parents fall into and don’t always get out of. Sometimes women fall into it in a way that suits them well enough, but often not. And sometimes women drive the dynamic by being controlling about how their DH parents (difficult balance because some men do not do what they need to). It is the cause of a lot of marital stress and, I believe, often underpins divorce that comes years later.

I don’t know how it is best to tackle it, but I think doing so sooner rather than later makes it much easier. IMO making sure you take plenty of time out for yourself, including overnight if you aren’t breastfeeding, so that your DH builds his competence dealing with DC at the same rate you do is important. But don’t forget getting a babysitter somehow and having time together as a couple - also vital to keeping things on track in the non-parenting aspects of your relationship. And a candid chat about expectations over who des what and what will be happening as the baby gets older would probably help with setting expectations and getting you both to understand each other’s perspective.

WTF? Bitter? No, grateful that I have a good husband who wouldn't have left my side at a really really difficult time.

What exactly makes a man more deserving of a night out than a woman?

Why can't he wait to go away in 9 months time, when baby is 1, on solids, and sleeping much better? What life changing experience is he missing out on?

3 months is very much in the trenches. Lads holidays can wait. They had a baby together. That baby and mum's sanity and health take priority in these early days.

What exactly makes a man more deserving of a night out than a woman?
nothing? Who said the mum wasn't allowed to have a night out too? Just not at the same time.

Why can't he wait to go away in 9 months time
huh? because why on earth would he? or she?

That baby and mum's sanity and health take priority in these early days.
it probably wouldn't hurt mum to get out a bit, or at least to sleep.

Since when are parents supposed to wait an entire year to get out of the house? 😂

@FoodAppropriation there's a big difference between going out and an actual night away.

3 months is tiny. You can't cope without a wild weekend away for a few months?

Specifically at a time when your partner is really struggling?*

It's ONE night not a whole weekend. Ridiculous.

OP if you posted on here and said you are going away for 2 days/1 night to get fucked with your girlfriends leaving a newborn behind and your DH was outraged because you didn't even consider him, you'd be labeled a neglectful mother.

I posted under a different name about leaving my baby when he's 2 with his nanny and grandparents for a long weekend and I got 300 replies, 90% of which said it's a neglectful thing to do to a toddler and how they couldn't imagine leaving their child for the night. LOL.

Well none of those replies would have been from me or quite a few others on this thread who have said there's nothing wrong with either parent reclaiming a bit if their adult, non parenting life once in a while. MN is not a hive mind, or automatically riven with "double standards", "cool wives" or "martyrs" . Much depends on precise wording, circumstances etc. I'd say bloody good on you so long as the baby was well cared for .. possibly by a grandparent even.

I wouldn’t have an issue with this at all. It’s one night. I went away for a night for my 31st birthday when my youngest was 3 months old 🤷🏻‍♀️

As a society we have fetishised parenthood into this Herculean almost impossible task at which all our resources must be aimed.

Yep. It's tough (I found broken nights the worst) but for a while, I simply haven't been able to get my head round some of the comments on threads like this one.

The baby's three months old, not three weeks. Most couples are returning to at least a semblance of their work and social responsibilities. Both my best mum friends at that stage had DH's who were travelling abroad on business well before that point, and I had two other friends who were single parents. Yes, I felt lucky, but I certainly wasn't feeling that I needed my DH to be hand holding me constantly.