Saying no a playdate

[Youbutterbelieve]

DC2(6) has made a friend in her new school. Kid seems fine, she's coming over for a play tomorrow after much nagging by DD.

I think at some point we'll get an invite back but I absolutely do not want DD going over to their house. DD does have playdates with other friends at their houses and I'm not a helicopter mum but I really don't feel this home is one I'd want DD in.

How do I say no? I don't want to offend the mum or cause issues with DD friendship.

Could you not just go with her? Why don't you want her in this house specifically?

Why? What’s wrong with the home/parents?

Hard to say without knowing the reason. You might not get an invitation back. It's a bridge I'd cross when it appeared.

Of course you’re not being unreasonable per se, looking out for your child’s safety is paramount. However if I wasn’t going to encourage the friendship in that way I’d probably not invite the child over to mine to avoid the awkwardness when they invite your child back….

We have similar, the mums never invited her (the girl is at ours often). However when DD has asked if she can go to theirs I've said no because they have a dog which we don't know. Do you know if that family also does?

Or if you just need to explain it to the mum just say DD can get a bit shy at others houses alone so doesn't seem quite old enough yet but that her DD is welcome to come to yours again. You'll look a bit over protective but it hopefully won't come off as a personal judgement.

Difficult to be truthful in this situation I am guessing.

If at some stage your daughter is asked, could you say it's actually easier logistically for you to have her daughter at your house so you would prefer that. That's nice and vague 😀.

Assuming you have a very good reason for this then if you get an invite back, and you might not, then just say DD’s going through a shy phase and is funny about going to others houses unless she knows the family really well or something. Make it sound like it’s a DD issue not an issue you have with them. But really I wouldn’t have invited the girl in the first place if I wasn’t going to allow a reciprocal invite.

My children are older now but I remember this when my youngest had a friend at school. The child was a little shit boisterous and whilst I tolerated him at my house, there was no way I was letting my child go there. The mother was very outspoken, the young kids were allowed to run feral outside wherever they wanted to and she smoked around them too.
I just said we were busy/child didn’t like to be away from home etc. She stopped asking pretty quickly!
From what I can gather, he’s a nice young man now but back then, the family had different ideas to mine shall we say

Too much of a drip feed OP
There is a massive difference between you not wanting her going there as they are hoarders to take crack and the fact they have orange wallpaper and you don’t like that colour!

This is tricky. I might have decreased the chances of a return invite by only having the child round with a group of others or something.

In a similar situation we never did get a return invite. Don't worry about it now, but make your excuses if it arises. It kind of depends what's wrong with them though!

Yeah I think this is how I'll play it. We have a dog, they don't unfortunately!

I'm concerned because the child exhibits significant signs of neglect (I've mentioned to school, school are already on it)- she's dirty and smelly, when I've collected the child previously she's been playing unsupervised on the street and the mum hasn't cared that I've collected her, or even answered the door when I knocked on. When I've dropped the child home I've walked her to the door but no adult has opened the door or greeted her/ me but there's been a fog of smoke - both cigarettes and cannabis and a large number of adults in and out of the house when ever I've driven past (the house is on a main route we take out of the village).

I would think it is unlikely they would bother to offer a playdate from your description.

Fingers crossed!

You're absolutely not unreasonable to say no. I wouldn't have my dc in a house where anyone smokes inside.

I agree, this is not an issue because they won’t be offering a play date from the sound of it. If by the off chance they do, just say you have something else planned that day but they don’t seem to care about the child, I don’t see why they’ll want another

It's very unlikely they would offer you a return invite from what you said! And if they do, just say no, "DC is a bit clingy at the moment and I don't want to leave her". They won't be offended, and even if they are I think I'd be ok with that 🤷‍♀️

This. Poor kid, it sounds awful for her. It’s good that you’ve raised your concerns with school OP.

But if you possibly can, keep inviting the little girl-you may well be a lifeline for her.

This, absolutely.

Yup, chancse of a play date being reciprocated seem slim.

I very much doubt that they'll ask you. But if they do, you can just keep putting off and they'll get the message.

I’ve been in a similar situation (mum known to social services).

I just said ‘oh thank you, but we can’t do then’ and just invited them to ours every time.

she was happy to let her kids come over, she didn’t seem to notice mine never went to hers or if she did she didn’t say anything.

Really can’t see an invite back tbh. We host a lot and hardly get any return invites a lot of people are busy or just can’t be bothered

How sad for the little girl. I would also be logging this with your local child protection team - school may well not feel your report alone is sufficient to escalate so it will sit 'on file'. No harm in you reporting directly to SS and worse case they are already aware.

asthma; your DD can’t be around smoke of any sort. Will help save face and also mean that you can keep inviting the little girl to yours.