Saying no a playdate

[Youbutterbelieve]

DC2(6) has made a friend in her new school. Kid seems fine, she's coming over for a play tomorrow after much nagging by DD.

I think at some point we'll get an invite back but I absolutely do not want DD going over to their house. DD does have playdates with other friends at their houses and I'm not a helicopter mum but I really don't feel this home is one I'd want DD in.

How do I say no? I don't want to offend the mum or cause issues with DD friendship.

Be honest. No I am not comfortable with my child being exposed to cigarette smoke indoors.

I’d be honest. Don’t agree with kids being around cigarettes/ smoke. Sometimes people need to know the truth even if it’s awkward.

I don’t send my DC to any homes who have large dogs, unless I can see they are VERY responsible owners. And I’m open about that, it is fair.

I was going to say the same! This.

If you are a sw you know there are issues about neglect and safe guarding

poor little girl.

so report to ss not just the school as adults need to be the voices for children

is the mum on her own or a partner /with dad

Mention asthma /weak lungs as an excuse so dd doesn’t go there but keep inviting the girl to yours so she had a safe place

and is it a small school /class ? To only have 5 girls out of 30 is unusual

Very peculiar to have invited the child over if you knew that in all likelihood your dd would be invited back

more peculiar you have raised your concerns about neglect with the school and yet the situation seems to have carried on unfettered

This really doesn’t sound like a parent that’s going to be offering up play dates

How is any of that peculiar? Kids with neglectful homes need community support far more than other children.
And reporting it to school helps build a picture of what's happening out of school rather than just what they're seeing in school.

When I've dropped the child home I've walked her to the door but no adult has opened the door or greeted her/ me but there's been a fog of smoke -

you are a social worker and you left a 6 year old at the door not having had no sight of an adult in the home?

I’m surprised you’re a social worker and don’t know how to navigate not sending your child to a friends house while retaining the relationship for your DD.

The neglect only cropped up in follow up post.
So relevant that I’d have thought worthy of being in the Op itself!

Exactly!

and dropping child off at home not having seen an adult in the property too

Does the mother know you’re a social worker?

if not, drop in to conversation

guaranteed there’ll be no more invites

Yes, there's only 13/14 in the class.

Unsure about a partner, separated/ divorced from dad.

I'm not going to say about the smoking/ asthma etc because that's not the main issue it's her inability to assess risk - I wouldn't trust her to take them to the local park or town centre and supervise two little girls appropriately.

Ok so she has been invited and you’ve already said no once. Was this in person at the school gate or by text?

I think you can just keep putting them off and keep the play dates spread out. So just be busy every time they invite you. They may get the message and stop inviting but be happy that their DD is going to you.

If pushed say your DD is very shy around unknown adults and prefers play dates at your house.

Tell her you’re a SW!

she’d have to be very thick to then invite your daughter in to her home

@Youbutterbelieve frankly OP play dates are for parents that care about the wellbeing and happiness of their children. That is why they organise it to encourage them to improve social skills and help them develop. I think from your description - there is zero chance this is the case here.

Perhaps stick around in future op to
same sure an adult is actually at home when you next drop her off

id have thought your SW training would have covered that

It's very different being a social worker to a family and saying "it's not appropriate for you to do x,y,z" I only have to maintain a professional relationship with them, it doesn't matter how they view me and they don't know where I live or my family situation. The power balance and relationship is very different.

I think it's veey unlikely your DD will be invited back, given what you've said, but if asked, I would just say thanks but it's better for us to host due to DDs asthma/allergies.

There was an adult at home, they just didn't come to the door/ talk to me

And prep your DD not to ask!

ok so employ parenting brain and don’t leave a 6 year old at a property where the policy evidence of an adult being present is the smell of cig smoke

How do you know?

The power balance is very different but the skills are the same - saying something they may find hard to hear without being offensive is a pretty core skill.