Saying no a playdate

[Youbutterbelieve]

DC2(6) has made a friend in her new school. Kid seems fine, she's coming over for a play tomorrow after much nagging by DD.

I think at some point we'll get an invite back but I absolutely do not want DD going over to their house. DD does have playdates with other friends at their houses and I'm not a helicopter mum but I really don't feel this home is one I'd want DD in.

How do I say no? I don't want to offend the mum or cause issues with DD friendship.

You are a social worker yet very recently posted that you work in “development” in a male dominated industry.

interesting

@Youbutterbelieve Just be careful OP. I'm a former social worker and my son had a friend who was neglected. I invited him over/took them out a lot because he was an adorable boy, my son liked playing with him and I wanted to be a "safe" adult for the child. The problem is that with a certain kind of people things can get hostile very easily. One day out of nowhere at the school run she started screaming at my son and at me for my son having told her son to not copy him during a test. The teacher had heard it and had moved their seats. A minor issue really but with this unhinged person it became very volatile. Her son wasn't allowed to play with mine anymore. So just tread carefully and don't get too entangled.

You work from home “99% of the time”, in development in male donate industry and this is… social worker? 🤔

Sorry that people are telling you how to do your job! Back in the real world, of course the police or social services aren't going to care about a bit of cannabis in the home, if they did, they'd never get any serious work done.

I'm surprised she's already been invited over, and I wonder if the mum is trying to make a connection with you and give her daughter the opportunity to see a more "stable" way of life. I'd maybe invite the mother to stay for a coffee when the kids are playing at yours, try and make a connection that way. You may be doing her and her daughter a really good turn, as well as your daughter having a friend.

Oh for goodness sake!! Are you just looking for an argument?

I think even with out the safeguarding concerns I wouldn't (and didnt) allow my child to go to another child's house at such a young age. I would just say to the other mother that you don't allow your child playmates with out you being there. You think she's too young atm. Just be upfront.

I work with families in a safeguarding role within a substance misuse team. Over the last 2 days I've attended 5 properties where the parents are known to smoke cannabis. You cannot report every occurrence to the police, it's a waste of resources. Social care are aware of all the families but even then it does not always meet threshold for involvement.

This is a social worker who knows that something illegal is happening that impacts very heavily on a young child and she’s not reporting to police because she is not legally required to.

You think that’s ok.

in any event, I don’t think the OP is a sw unless suddenly sw describe it as “development” “male dominated industry” and “works 99% from home”

You do realise people can have 2 jobs right?

I'm a qualified and registered social worker who has 20 years local authority experience and currently works as a guest lecturer and long arm practice educator whilst maintaining a 4 day a week job in tech!

Which is what op posted a few days ago

Sure you do op
sure you do

So what was the other thread talking about clients being pissed off with male carers in the care home that you work for?

Yeah I'm trying to keep a cordial relationship and maintain a friendship between my daughter and her friend whilst not massively encouraging.

Sorry you are being challenged over your job, I too am a CP social worker and everything you have said is proportionate, we could not possibly respond to every family where cannibis is present. If the support around the family suspect this is a contributing factor to the neglect then it will be addressed.
You have been given some good advice about your OP.

Have you ever actually done this in the UK though. Not a chance anything would be done.

If it was excessive
If the report came from a SW
If it involved a young child
If said young child had already been referred to the school for neglect

then yes… something would be done

I reported my neighbour
the smell coming through the wall
there was no child in their home but there was in mine
but still the police attended and the smoking eased up MASSIVELY thank goodness

Oh bore off and stop trying to derail the thread.

Do you really think, with a child that's being neglected by their parents, left alone outside, unsupervised constantly, living in dirty clothes/bedding, that people smoking weed is the thing to focus on here??

Neglect is a safeguarding red flag though. My OH is a primary school teacher and is trained to look out for signs of a child coming to school unwashed etc. You said this kid is that child. So, combined with the lack of adult supervision and being exposed to drug taking, that's surely enough to raise at work? if you really are a social worker

I was ‘that child’ and it is so important to still invite them over and if you can to help in any way. I would have been embarrassed inviting anyone over to my house and I recognised this from very young. I remember one time spending so much time preparing my bedroom for a sleepover I had planned with two girls from my class for a birthday. Their parents allowed them to stay. I tidied and tidied my room. My mum stayed up drinking all night with her ‘mates’. I couldn’t take my friends downstairs the next morning for breakfast as there wasn’t any and I spent all night listening out for the signs of drunken adults rambling around my home. I was I say around 8.
I am very protective of my children. I have escaped the abuse and neglect and my children will never experience it so I wouldn’t think twice about saying no, but, please try to make the friend continue to feel welcome.

Yes I agree but none of those criteria are part of this thread.

Well yes, drug taking in the home of children is wrong, regardless of which drug is being consumed.

Added to which, it will likely be the tip of the iceberg

probably being frowned upon and sold there if lots of adults in and out as the op describes

But that poster has a point. So many kids fall down the cracks because of bureaucracy. OP is saying the child is showing clear signs of neglect, is apparently exposed to drug taking in the home and appears to have no adult supervision but as a social worker it's not in her job description to raise a red flag.