Saying no a playdate

[Youbutterbelieve]

DC2(6) has made a friend in her new school. Kid seems fine, she's coming over for a play tomorrow after much nagging by DD.

I think at some point we'll get an invite back but I absolutely do not want DD going over to their house. DD does have playdates with other friends at their houses and I'm not a helicopter mum but I really don't feel this home is one I'd want DD in.

How do I say no? I don't want to offend the mum or cause issues with DD friendship.

How long ago did you report to school op?

It is ALL linked
and likely much much worse behind closed door
the cannabis is the route in as I would reckon grown and sold there from what op says

Sorry but your priorities are😬
You are a social worker who is seeing a child is being neglected in her home environment and your main concern is avoiding an awkward invitation to their house. You have spoke to the school but not reported to social services when you work there. You think your own daughter is more at risk of losing a friend when this neglected baby is going to school with a bad smell, a more likely deterrent to building friendships.

No, definitely not.
I never let my DC go to homes without supervision.
I don't care about a mess as long as the parent is responsible.
If your happy to have her friend over, just say no, you prefer to host.

Thank you!!

added to which, reported to school… either very recently and not had a chance for any change in this poor child’s situation OR reported when first aware of the neglect and the school has achieved the square root of zero in improving her quality of life

Yup OP is prioritising her own daughter having someone for playdates over this other child's wellbeing, which according to her own words, is at risk

Yep.

and because she isn’t “legally required” to report the excessive cannabis smoking…. She has not intention of doing so

Dear god what a sheltered life you must lead, thank goodness you’ve got that high horse to ride around on

Think about it

it is excessive
lots of people coming and going
it is likely being dealt from the property
if not grown in the property

meanwhile the op waves off a 6 year old in to a fog of cannabis smoke

Honestly, it is usual a non issue in the scheme of things, however along with the other obvious signs of neglectful parenting it is a problem, same as day drinking alcohol and neglecting your DC.
Definitely worth reporting.
I'm surprised as a SW you haven't reported this for family intervention, support and guidance for the little girl's wellbeing and hygiene.

Could people at least RTFT? From the OP's post at 14.55
"Because the safeguarding concerns were the primary issue and I have reported those in the appropriate ways."

You don’t know anything is being dealt or grown on the property. It’s not unusual to have lots of coming and going from a house where there’s cannabis use without anything else happening.

It’s an interesting world many mumsnetters live in, where every single concern is acted upon when reported, and acted on immediately. Unless there are life threatening concerns, safeguarding processes take time. Time to engage the family, explore concerns, agree different interventions - rarely does anything change quickly, the process needs to take its course.

I don’t “know” anything

what the op has written is that this child is dropped off at a property stinking of cannabis every time she drops her off

combined with all the adults coming and going the op has observed, the absence of any kind of supervision and the very evident neglect…. I think fairly reasonable to presume that behind closed doors its even more rotten

When my 5 year old was invited over to his friends for tea I was completely honest with his friends Mum and said I’m an anxious parent and that I don’t do drop off play dates until they are older.
The other Mum probably thinks I’m a bit nuts but we arranged a picnic tea out all together instead.
Ive got older children and they’ve never gone over for a play date unless they have been long term family friends at that sort of age, In the beginning I used to feel embarrassed that I am a worrier but now I don’t care 😂
I could not think of anything worse than allowing them to go and be sat there worrying the entire time.
My 11 year old goes out to tea etc and brings friends home but at that age they can verbalise if somethings wrong and leave and walk home.
i would just say thanks for the invitation but you think your daughter is a little young for you not to there but you’re happy to have their daughter over to yours, meet out as they get on so well and play nicely together.

Of course it will be, but questioning @Youbutterbelieve‘s professional judgement on the basis of limited information and no real knowledge of social work is unfair. Particularly when she’s asked about a personal dilemma.

You don't need an excuse. Of course your dc can't go to this horrible house.

I'd go with your LO not being good at other people's houses, if you have to. but the chances seem slim.

Her professional judgement is questionable though in this case.

@Youbutterbelieve How about when the parent drops off to you/ does the handover to you, you say something like “you’re welcome to stay if you wanted to? I’m very happy to have her alone but I personally never leave mine so I won’t be offended if you wanted to stay!” You’ve then sewn the seed and either she won’t reciprocate with a play date because she won’t want you there, or it won’t look rude if you say you want to stay with your DD.

Indeed

in any event, I’m just hoping that my suspicions the Op definitely isn’t a social worker, means that there’s no “professional” about the scenario

The op does all the pick ups and drop offs

I’m question her professional judgement on the information provided

yep.

I hope your suspicions are correct. Otherwise it's pretty shocking that a social worker of 20 years' standing would be more concerned about her kid's playdate than pursuing a welfare check of a child who is showing clear signs of neglect.

So this poor child is neglected to the point of smelling and lives in a house frequently full of drug-smoking random adults.

I'm really confused about why you think it's OK for this little girl to be left living like this.

I know this is going to sound harsh, but I would not facilitate a friendship between my dd (who is the same age) and a child I thought was being neglected. I say this as someone who came from a household like you describe and had childhood friends who were similar or worse off.
If you are trying your best to provide a loving, stable home for and relationship with your own child, do not take away from that by exposing them to neglectful parents unnecessarily even just through their child. Because it does come through the child, in their behaviour, the way they talk, the way they see the world even in the way they play.
I know it’s not the child’s fault and a lot of people will say that’s unfair and that you should provide a safe space for them etc, but as a social worker, you have the ability to actually do something to change the child’s situation rather than just invite them to your house every now and then.
My daughter is friends with two very small girls (4 and 5) who are regularly in the playground with a minder. They were neglected and taken away from their parents by ss. I don’t mind them playing together because they are so small and I’m right there watching and I talk to her on the way home sometimes about it to sound her out but that’s as far as I would be happy with it going and I would not arrange play dates or anything like that. I realise this sounds harsh but here are some of the things I experienced through childhood friendships with children from neglectful/ abusive backgrounds: stories about physical and sexual abuse, both direct and witnessed by them, they then made me promise to keep this secret, seeing children act out and demonstrate abuse (like with Barbie and Ken dolls), explicit language and information about drug use/ paraphernalia that no child should know, behaviours that they had learned from parents like manipulation and aggression.
My heart goes out to any child who is neglected or abused but my own child is my priority. I would find another way to help the little girl than encouraging a friendship with my own child in this situation. The two girls my lo is friendly with are lovely kids, very cute but they have some very strange behaviour around food for example resulting from neglect which is very difficult to explain to my daughter.
As a rule of thumb, if I wouldn’t be comfortable sitting down for a cup of tea with someone, or having reciprocal play dates and if I don’t trust them generally, I would not be facilitating my child being friends with theirs ie arranging for them to come to my house.